So I finally got on board with Tinder. Had my roommate snap some pics of me, put some stupid filters on it. Paid for the unlimited swipes.

Let's get the first thing off the bat: just swipe right. Just do it infinitely. You're wasting your time going through each profile. Who cares if you match with a 55 year old cow? Just unmatch if she shows up. The power will be in YOUR hands.

Once you have your list of matches, ask yourself, "Would I wake up next to this in the morning?", and unmatch if the answer is no. From then on, I usually say normal intro stuff, or if I see she read a book I'll ask about the author (I'm well-read). Then I jump straight to coffee in the afternoon. During the week. It is the most non-threatening offer you can make. I even offer her to pick the place and time and I'll be there (in case she wants an escape plan or a friend to look after her...there are creeps out there).

Do not message any girl this shit: Yo maa. Heyy sexy. Sup babe. Hey hun. Hi beautiful. Wow you're gorgeous. Let's get a drink. Let's meet up at the bar this weekend (so I can shove alcohol down your throat and fuck you).

Trust me, one week of Tinder and I now have a date with a different woman of my choice every day by just asking for fucking coffee. Just ask for coffee.

Now onto my first date:

Super picky girl, allergic to everything under the sun. Soy, lactose, gluten. Not like that's a problem. I have a friend with dairy, shellfish, and peanut allegries. I'm not going to judge you because you can't eat something that will kill you. Has to pee every 10 minutes. Maybe overactive bladder and hopefully not a UTI, I'm thinking. The check rolls in, and normally on the first date the girl will at least fumble through her purse pretending to fish out her wallet. Not a muscle moved. But, it's customary for the man to pay anyway.

I remember one funny line that I had prepped for. She asked "Is this your first Tinder date?" My answer was "First Tinder date? This is the first time I've ever talked to a girl!" Which made her laugh. It's HOW you say things, gentlemen, not what you say. I projected confidence when I said it.

We go walk in the park and she says her beta-orbiter friend is coming over later to help her move. I said she can tell him to fuck off since I can box shit for her if she needs a hand. She needed to be moved out by Tuesday (this date was Sat 5/9). She started stalling, saying he's already on the way I've known him forever blah blah.

We get to a bakery store and after 20 minutes of figuring out what she CAN eat, she got a $3 muffin. The register rings, and she turns to me. Really? You don't have $3 for a muffin? I didn't even get one myself. Whatever, it's dinner and a muffin for some lay, right?

We head to her place after another bathroom pit stop. I'm upstairs maybe 5 minutes and grab her hips and kiss her as soon as she steps out of the bathroom. She reciprocates, but says her friend is coming up. She and I were alone for maybe 7 minutes before beta-orbiter showed up.

Then the story unravels. I won't go into details, but somehow she is left in an empty apartment with a $15k bill hanging over her head. Everybody cleared out. How she is the last man standing, in this empty apartment, when the writing was on the wall? No details were given about the situation. But I pieced it together. She's facing homelessness and eviction. Whatever the situation with her roommates, they dumped their garbage on her because she's unstable and easy to take advantage of. She didn't tell me straight up, but it wouldn't take a detective to figure it out. She might go to her mom's place she said.

Then she talks to her beta friend about what her therapist is telling her, and then I notice the shelf of prescription medications. She was always complaining about motion sickness in the car. Now things are becoming crystal clear.

I jokingly remarked that if it gets really bad, she can live at my place and reduce my rent. I was expecting a laugh or chuckle. Instead, she looks at me with the eyes that said "Those are the exact words I've been waiting to hear" and her friend across the room gives me a silent nod. I shrugged off the comment and changed the topic. Then, we all stepped out to "find boxes" and I just went home, saying I was tired.

She owns not one cent. I was used for a free dinner basically. She was hoping I could be prince charming and wave my magic wand and bail her out of her situation. Smh. Well, you live and learn and move on.

I'll give you one thing, though. Nobody will ever share this experience. It was a thrill. Life was exciting for a day. It's a funny tale to tell to friends. Nobody owns this story but me. Definitely not something to tell on future Tinder dates lol but, still, I can laugh about it. I got a date every day for the next 5 days anyway.

Anyway that's my [FR]. I'm getting a haircut now and then I'm out to meet date #2 tonight at 7:30. On to the next adventure!

If you guys want more Tinder advice, I can write another post specifically about it. Or I'll just answer questions you have in the comments.

EDIT Can someone make this green since it's FR? I dunno how to do it.