Guys who actually improved themselves, how did it affect your social life outside of dating? (no high school and college kids allowed in this thread)

greenpoe · 2018-10-07T04:47:37+00:00

First I'm listing my methods for background, but you can skip to the end if you prefer.

Preparation. First, I quit playing videogames altogether (my whole life I was a hardcore gamer, but I realized I can play videogames when I'm older, right now, I need to focus on this). I started spending more time outdoors (walking, running, working out) and focused on being healthy (learning to cook, cutting out candy, soda and fast food, eating fruits & veggies on a daily basis).

2.Books. Read Models by Mark Manson, take copious notes, read it again, and start focusing on each thing until you master it. Mastery means unconscious competence, so you can focus on something else instead. Get it on Audible, it's free (with trial) and listen to it while driving or just while walking/running in your neighborhood.

3.Dating. Started with online dating, going below my standards because I saw it all as practice. Downloaded Tinder, used it for a few weeks, then added Bumble, and then Okcupid, spent about 2 months doing this, using all the apps and swiping on them all literally daily. The way I stayed sane was if I was just chilling with friends and we were relaxing, instead of JUST talking about whatever, I'd swipe while I was at it, tried to use minimum brain power to swipe and focus mainly on the conversation, but then deal with matches as they came in. The point here was to get as many first-dates with at least slightly attractive women as possible. The idea was to get in practice, try different stuff.

4."Real life" and cold approaches. There's two parts, yourself and your "audience." Think about how you are (your body language, voice, eyes, etc.) and your audience. Every single action they take is a sign, pick up on it, address it if needed. Remember that what you're working on, whether it's a frame, confidence, kino, anything - can be worked on in ANY situation where there are people - with close friends, at work, at the store, anywhere, just have to be creative and figure out HOW to work on it in those situations.

So with THAT background out of the way....everything has been different.

In public - Regular everyday life can be really fun. I try to talk to every single cashier every time I checkout. I try to think from their perspective - what are THEY thinking about? Store's busy? They're probably stressed out, address the emotion. It's getting late? Maybe they want to get out soon. People are really receptive, and at the moment, my goal is for me to get them to make eye contact with me, so I can hold it until they break it.

Meeting new people - So much easier. I feel more connected with the society I'm in. Even friends that used to really bother me, I now see as allies that I'm trying to understand, and I realize that my perspective of them was only because I didn't understand their own emotional needs, and since I was so passive before, I lacked the social competence to guide the conversation to something that is mutually interesting. I realized body language is almost like sign language. As your audience gives more and more standoffish body language, it approaches the point of talking to a wall, though.

Making new friends - Became easier, but with a caveat. It's much easier to be friendly with people, make them feel comfortable with me, picking up on their interests and what they want to talk about, and being genuinely curious. Before I was so focused on myself, my mind, and everything I wanted to say that I felt like everyone else was just being a dick, but in reality I was the selfish one.

Family - My family is ridiculously proud of me. They're saying "finally" and really willing to help me out, and I connect with them so much more than I ever did before. I'm also realizing I'm been kind of a dick my whole life and I never realized it, because I'd always get bored, zone out or even just flat out leave if things weren't interesting to me specifically.

Overall, social situations are so much more interesting now, I have much more access to what's unsaid now. I feel it's like going from black & white TV to color TV. Furthermore I loved creative writing in high school and college, but I didn't like forcing people to read my crappy work. But now I've learned that I can apply that same creative spark to conversation - thinking of witty things to say, being observant to the imagery and signals around me (just like details of characters in a book). I'm sure whatever you're interested in, you can apply it to improving yourself too. Even if it's just something like videogames - imagine you're body is a character in a game, do you want that character to sit idly by at level 1, or do you want to try hard and improve? For me I can connect with this because in a videogame, I'll pick the ridiculous speech or offensive dialogue options because I love seeing the reactions. In real life....I can do this myself (toned down a bit) and shape them to the situation.

DevilTheGod · 2018-10-07T14:31:56+00:00

Haters make you smile.
You can have conversations with just about anyone, in any situation for any damn reason you please.
Men that don't hate on you will look up to you and be drawn to you just as females are.
You truly do love yourself and start loving the process because when you reach milestone after milestone and realize it'll never be enough, it's simply for the sake of growth. This new level or avenue of fulfillment is beautiful.
You feel the fiery passion of youth in your late 20's it's unreal.
Did I mention haters make you smile? They'll soon be seduced by your unwavering decision to be yourself through and through.
Don't be discouraged! Great men always start off as lone wolves.

_Paps · 2018-10-07T04:02:42+00:00

It sucks honestly. People I have met try to look down on me because I’m always looking to improve, I work my ass off and enjoy what I’ve have earned.

I’m in a heavily liberal area and have actually been told I don’t deserve what I’ve earned And that I am selfish for improving myself.

Its a fucked up world.

I’m not yet 30, high school degree, 6 year Air Force with the Air Force 2-year degree. I own a house, a brand new truck, 2 project vehicles and 2 motorcycles. Outside of the house I have zero debt. (Not trying to put my self on a pedestal just for perspective)

TemporaryPhilosopher · 2018-10-07T11:00:54+00:00

Was depressed and slightly overweight in university. Barely got through that tbh, and only managed it through coping mechanisms like games and weed.

Pretty much a week after graduation, I quit both. Sold my gaming pc, and threw my bong in the bin. I spent weeks thinking of my goals, reading, and refactoring them. Found it difficult to go to gym, at all, even though I had been paying for a membership for two years.

So I told myself “all you gotta do is go once a week”. And I held my chin up if I event went to the gym once in a week. It did wonders. I’m now going three times a week, but sometimes I have a bad week. But that’s okay because I went once. It’s important because the encouragement keeps me motivated.

I also quit ordering Uber eats. I was lazy and would literally order it every day. Now I go out for food once a week with my girlfriend, and mealprep for the rest of my meals.

Oh and I’ve quit milk and sugar in coffee and started intermittent fasting, it’s really cool. Lost a heap of weight and feel pretty great.

I’ve been reading books and listening to podcasts- although not as many as I’d like. I did pick up runescape a few weeks ago out of nostalgia, but I stopped that this week. Waste of fucking time (albeit I love it).

I also cleared up my finances. I was spending $30 on lunch and coffee each workday. Plus a whole bunch of dumb subscriptions. I brew my own black coffee at work and bring in a large meal prepped curry— I’ve even gotten better at cooking. I feel like I eat the best food in the office haha, because I’m vegetarian during the week it’s super cheap to make.

Saving money is better than getting a payrise because you aren’t taxed on it. A penny saved is far better than a penny earned.

And now I got a cute little emergency fund haha. But of fuck you money if my job goes sideways.

I’ve got a long way to go, but you just gotta understand it’s a process. You have to break it down into what you can do today, and try and do it. You also have to realise that your tastes change. You can change who you are through your habits, and what you enjoy. I got used to black coffee, for example.

This week I’ve started going tot he sauna after gym. I feel like I used to when I got stoned— nice and relaxed, only a lot more clear headed.

Up next for me is trying to build a habit to study a bit each day, and actually get off my ass and try Brazilian Jiu Jitsu like I’ve been procrastinating for ages.

Then I gotta really curb my alcohol consumption and kick the sugar habit once and for all.

Peace dude, let me know if you’ve got questions.

dimitrimarylucy · 2018-10-07T21:12:56+00:00

I spent my 20s investing heavily in myself. Like, 100s of books, courses, seminars, mentors, starting businesses, learning to invest, networking, challenging myself constantly etc.

My confidence grew in proportion to my skills.

I went from hanging out with alcoholic, negative LOSERS to hanging out with healthy, happy, wealthy people who INSPIRE, MOTIVATE and ENCOURAGE.

Then opportunities flooded in. I've spoken at events on everything from goal setting to wealth creation. I've been on national television. I've been interviewed dozens of times. I have a large circle of friends who love me, as I love them. If I ever need to raise $20mil for a new venture, it will just be a matter of making some phone calls. If ever a friend has a great opportunity, I am the first to know.

The quality of people in my life has grown as I have grown. And it's never ending.

Oh yeah, I also retired in my early 30s. So improving myself helped a lot.

FYI, I didn't focus on game until I was financially free.

nickcorn16 · 2018-10-08T05:53:10+00:00

Outside of dating... Wow.

A little background:

Lost about 12kgs since around late may/early June this year, I look trim, clothes fit way better, my jawline has come out (all things that people have complimented me on). Along with that of course came me learning how to cook, cutting out almost all added sugar, exercising regularly and getting back into muay thai with the goal of doing competition. I've also significantly cut down on porn use in the past year or so with the aim of going completely clean. There's more, but these I think have had the most impact on the underlying issues preventing me from being as social as I ever believed I could, or ever thought I wanted to be.

So: I feel far better in most social situations

My inner critic/dialogue has far less of a grip on me in social situations

My social anxiety is significantly more manageable

I've been working where I'm working for around 4 years with a pissy 9.5 hours a week until about August this year. I used to barely make an effort to be social, let alone wished to. I was miserable and desperately wanted to find another job.

Now, I talk to most people, I get along better with my manager, and I look forward to having banter with the people I work with. As a result, I feel better going to work, and I'm now on around 20 - 29 hours a week.

When I used to do Muay Thai I'd get a little anxious before training (that's gone!), and my inner critic would scare me away from being social. Now, I'm making the effort and its soooo much better!

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