I’m writing this post as an attempt to correct something which I see as a pretty egregious error that some guys–especially guys who are new to game–fall into when they first start learning about teasing, negging, value hierarchies, and that sort of stuff.

Negging/teasing, properly applied, is an invaluable asset to your game. It’s fun, it’s friendly, it raises your perceived value, and it creates an enjoyable experience for both you and the girl.

The Wrong Way

The problem comes when guys misunderstand it as a tactic to lower the girl’s self-esteem, that is, the perceived value she has of herself, so that your value is comparatively higher. Since women are hypergamous–they desire men of higher status than themselves–lowering their perception of their own status should increase your chances of being relatively higher status, and thus attractive, to her. So the thinking goes.

I want to make the case that not only is explicitly insulting a woman’s sexual self worth to ruin her self esteem a nasty thing to do (I assume this is self-evident), but it’s also bad game. It will make life more difficult for you both in the short term and in the long term.

When you’re just meeting a girl for the first time, be it in a bar or in a coffee shop or on the internet, she doesn’t know who you are or what you have to offer. If she’s going to stick around and talk to you instead of blowing you off, it’s going to be for one reason and one reason only: because you make her feel good. If you try to hurt her self-esteem, and succeed, you’re doing exactly the opposite. You’re giving her bad feelings. And you’re associating yourself with those bad feelings. Naturally, the girl is not going to want to continue to interact with someone who is giving her bad feelings.

Hurting a girl’s self-esteem is not a particularly difficult thing to do. Women are fragile. If you try, you will probably succeed. But she will want to get away from you and never see you again. Actually that hypergamy theory is correct, in a way. If you hurt a girl’s self-esteem, she may be more likely to go home with someone–just not with you. I’ve actually been the unwitting beneficiary of guys attempting that strategy before. It works…if your goal is to drive the girl into the arms of some other guy.

It reminds me of a story I heard recently. A plastic surgeon was running ads telling women that they no man would ever love them if they had small tits, so they should come to him for a breast augmentation. The ads did in fact convince a lot of women to get boob jobs…with any plastic surgeon other than him. He created the desire, but he also associated himself with very negative emotions. So all he did was drive business to his competitors, and ruined his own reputation in the process.

If you do the same sort of thing as a long-term strategy–that is, to try to keep a girl whom you’re already dating–the effect is even worse. Not only are you associating yourself with negative emotions, but you’re also shooting your own value in the foot. If a girl has low value, what does that say about the guy dating her? Obviously that he is low value as well. So not only are you making her want to avoid you due to the negative emotions you create in her, you’re also lowering BOTH her value and your own. So you’re not lowering her value relative to yours, you’re only lowering her value relative to all the other guys around who would be more than happy to take your girl from you.

And, to make matters worse, if the girl can see through this little game (and girls are generally pretty smart when it comes to anything to do with relationships), she’s going to see it as a desperate ploy by a guy who is so insecure about his own value that he thinks he has to artificially lower her value just to pretend to be worthy. What do you think that does to her perception of your status, and thus her attraction to you?

The Right Way

Ok, now I’m done ranting. So let me tell you how to do it right. A neg or tease, done properly, is playful, fun, friendly, and raises YOUR value without lowering the girl’s. A point of reference I find helpful is the idea of treating the girl like she’s your little sister. Do you want to insult your little sister? Lower her self-esteem? Tell her that she’s ugly and unattractive? Of course not.

No, you want to play. You want to flirt. Tell her that she reminds you of a cute little animal. Tell her the way she walks is kind of funny. Poke fun at her if she laughs so hard she snorts. Tell her “I can’t take you anywhere” with an impish smile.

You’re pointing out silly little things that are insignificant to her sexual self-worth. You are raising YOUR value by demonstrating that you are playful and funny, and are not intimidated by a beautiful woman. That’s the point. If you’re doing it right, it should be enjoyable for both you and the girl.

I hope this was helpful for some of you. Always remember that game is a good thing. It is a win-win for all parties involved. If it’s not, you’re doing something wrong.