I feel pretty confortable around girls and m'y game isn't great but not Bad. I kissed at a party , approched an older girl and we got we're both without shirt dancing , got and relation during 1 week last week (she lives far away but we stay un touch).

But each time ,those expériences brought me so much anxiety. Like really painfull anxiety I fear to be left alone, to have to stay forever alone, i feel like they see me as a pièce of dirt .i feel like i don't love them for who they are but because i'm just sexualy atracted to an image of them. It get easly trigered ,one time when i was 16yo i think i got the number of a girl and i woke up in the Middle of the night with an panic attack.

M'y parents had the worst relationship i've seen. Always fighting day and night , living 1h appart and not stoping arguing not even to fuck during months ,like 8/12 month during a years and since i'm 10yo (i'm 19yo now). M'y mother suffered so much while i was trying to tell her that she does'nt need him and that her's both son's love her but she never loved me and m'y brother and we had to endure they bullshit alone.

If you read all of this thank you and if you don't feel like you can help me that alright. I needed to write this down.