I've seen quite a few posts around the dating & seduction Reddits from guys who believe that since they are introverts they can't be sociable. These lonely, socially isolated guys seek out PUA advice thinking that it's the path to meeting girls, not realising that they need social friendships & social skills to find sustainable relationships with attractive women.

I'm an introvert - meaning I find being around lots of people draining. I "recharge my batteries" by doing things alone. However I realised that women weren't knocking on my door trying to meet me in the comfort of my own home. I want to share some strategies that really worked for me to become sociable. I call it Developing Social Competence. I'm still an introvert, but you wouldn't know this from meeting me since I'm now a sociable introvert who happily speaks to strangers and doesn't fear social events where I don't know many people.

It’s impossible to build connections with people without being sociable, and being sociable is very difficult to fake effectively! One of the reasons that less competent PUAs come across as being a bit creepy is that they are not authentically sociable. They will act out a routine to interact with a woman they find attractive while ignoring the other people around them. This stands in stark contrast to the truly sociable person who naturally acknowledges and engages others around him without any apparent agenda. Anyone who notices that the PUA only engages “targets” usually senses something awkward or even predatory about his behaviour due to its incongruence.

There are numerous strategies to help men who dread finding themselves in a social situation with people they don’t know, let alone striking up a conversation with an attractive stranger! The key to building authentic social competence is to practise in small increments. This will allow you to calibrate your behaviour without much discomfort, until “being sociable” becomes a habit.

Think about the people you briefly interact with on a regular basis; the barista who brews your morning coffee, security guards and receptionists who control access to your office, the barber who cuts your hair. Do you know their name? What colour are their eyes? Do you know anything about them at all? Next time you interact with them make it a more personal experience. For example:

  • Make eye contact  - if this feels weird, just try to notice and remember the colour of their eyes.
  • Take a moment to enquire about them - e.g. on a Monday you could ask them what the highlight of their weekend was, you could also enquire about their plans and career aspirations, or ask their opinion on topical events.
  • Ask their name (and introduce yourself too): “I realised that you’ve been making my coffee every day for the last 12 months, and I don’t even know your name - I’m Fred…”
  • Try to notice something about them which you can compliment - e.g. the way they make your coffee, a cool item of clothing or jewellery they wear, etc. (avoid commenting on their physical appearance if doing so might be construed as creepy!)
  • Take a genuine interest in getting to know them. Remember little facts about them - e.g. if they have a pet or kids, or they’re planning a holiday, and ask them about it next time you see them.

Congratulations! You’ve just learned to connect with someone without expectation of anything in return. Now practise this with other people you encounter until it becomes an easy habit.

Now you can try stepping up to the next level - making conversation with people you don’t otherwise have a need to interact with. Fellow travellers in a lift, at a bus stop and the person sitting at the next table in a cafe are all potential new connections. All you need to do is break the ice by speaking to them: you could acknowledge something positive about them with a compliment (e.g. if they have a particularly cool item of clothing or jewellery), ask if they can recommend something from the menu, ask if they know when the bus is due or if they know where the stop is closest to your destination. It doesn’t really matter what the topic is, just break the ice and pay attention to whether they appear uncomfortable to continue or open to further dialogue. You can either continue chatting, or graciously thank them and leave them in peace.

Connecting with other people becomes much less intimidating when you apply this method. The secret is to practise frequently when you have no vested interest in the outcome of the interaction until you notice yourself automatically connecting authentically with the people around you without conscious effort. You might also notice a shift in the way other people behave towards you - they’re likely to become more open and engaging, essentially mirroring your new behaviour. And since you have now formed the habit of engaging with the people around you, opening a conversation with someone you find attractive comes across as natural rather than incongruous or predatory.

If you're still struggling with finding the confidence to get started, or on how to have conversation that holds a woman's interest, I've published more free "how to" articles about building authentic attractive qualities like this here.

I really encourage you to try this for yourselves and share your experiences.

Stay authentic, Redditors.