To better understand the dating advice industry as a whole, I’ve subscribed to the email lists of ‘gurus’ offering products (supposedly) designed to help men get the dating life of their dreams.

 

These products’ advertising videos use a lot of scientifically sound marketing tactics like scarcity, social-proof, and authority. Interestingly, one of the most common themes of these videos is that they promise you will never have to get rejected again (because of some ‘secret’ the product will unveil).

 

This marketing tactic works because most people who read dating advice content (I was no exception) are doing so partly to avoid their fear of rejection.

 

We know we need to ask women on dates and take risks in real life to get the success with women we want. But many of us focus on learning more content instead of taking action so we can feel like we’re making progress without actually taking any risks.

 

Dating advice marketing videos promise you can avoid ever being rejected again because fear of rejection is universal and all men want to avoid facing it. But the truth is, you can’t avoid it without also avoiding success.

 

Don’t believe the marketing hype. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with your fear of rejection. And there is no ultimate cure for it. But you can make progress despite your fears, and learn to leverage them so they serve you.

 

Look, I spent a year trying to learn success with women entirely through online content. Frankly, that was equivalent to trying to get ripped entirely through reading Arnold Schwarzenegger’s book.

 

Content is supplemental, your best instructor is the exact thing dating products promise to help you avoid: rejection.

 

The Pattern Is Clear

 

I’ve met a lot of guys in the PUA community trying to improve their dating lives, and I’ve noticed which mistakes and bad habits are most common. One is more important and pervasive than any of the others, very few guys have an effective mindset towards failure and rejection.

 

The few guys who get the results they really want are those who lean into failure consistently. It’s the guys who’ve been rejected the most who’ve also had the most successes. This is partly because the numbers play out in their favor, and partly because they’ve developed their skillset through facing rejection again and again.

 

When going out, the most effective goal you can have isn’t getting X number of girls’ numbers or makeouts or whatever, the most effective goal is to get rejected. Any day or night you go out to meet women you should be getting rejected.

 

It’s easy to feel like you’re making progress if you go out and approach a few women, make nice conversation, and get a couple phone numbers. But it shouldn’t be surprising that this rarely leads to anything. You’re not really making progress unless you’re risking rejection. Real rejection.

 

There’s an important caveat to mention. Getting rejected on purpose by being an idiot or acting totally uncalibrated isn’t what I’m talking about here. Although it can feel like a good strategy to make progress, it’s really an elaborate form of self-sabotage.

 

With that said, if you go out and you don’t get rejected, you’re probably not playing to win. You’re playing not to lose. This is, by default, what guys who go out tend to do. Unfortunately, it leads to so much wasted time.

 

I know guys who’ve consistently played it safe for years on end, they went out regularly, but never took the risks that could lead to rejection (or success). These guys never make substantial progress or hook up with women they consider high-quality.

 

Your Attitude Towards Failure is Everything

 

The gym serves as a great metaphor for this aspect of your dating life. How does muscle building work? While lifting weights, you put your muscles through painful physical stress to tear your muscle fibers. Over the next several days of rest, your muscles are repaired, and in this process, become stronger.

 

Improving your dating skillset works very similarly. You must break yourself down to come back stronger. Each time you go through a rejection you tear at your ego, and through this process become a bit stronger, a bit more grounded, a bit less afraid.

 

The fear of rejection can be exceptionally uncomfortable, but the only way out of this pain is through. Every time you get rejected you numb yourself a bit more to your fear of rejection. You will need to face rejection again and again, and as you do so, rejection will become less frightening to you.

 

This may seem inherently unenjoyable, but the same could be said for exercise. Building muscle is a process of intentionally putting yourself through physical pain, yet, over time this pain becomes enjoyable because it’s the pain of growth, and it’s a pain you’re choosing. The same is true with meeting women. You can learn to enjoy the stress inherent to the process if you make a habit of leaning into that pain intentionally.

 

Furthermore, as you go through this process, women will start to be more interested in you because you will be able to take risks with a smile on your face. Facing rejection will make you more confident, which will itself make you more attractive.

 

Additionally, facing rejection also equates with facing a chance of getting your desired result. Every time you make a move with a girl that could lead to rejection, you also risk getting a yes. The more chances you take, the more successes you’ll get.

 

Define Rejection

 

How you define rejection matters. If you consider walking up to a girl and chatting her up for a couple minutes before leaving the interaction risking rejection, then you could go out every night of the week for a year and never get any results.

 

I know a guy, David, who goes out consistently. Each night he goes out he approaches five girls or so, talks to them for a couple minutes, then walks away and approaches the next girl. He never so much as asks for their number and he goes home having had a few pleasant conversations. But does he get results? No. He’s not taking risks that could lead to success.

 

Going out and talking to women isn’t enough to get the results you want. I’ve met dozens of guys who don’t get results because they set their bar for making progress on a night out too low. Truthfully, if you don’t face real rejections when you go out, you’re not making much progress, and you’re not going to get the results you want.

 

There are two particularly useful metrics to judge whether you’re facing rejection (and therefore making real progress when you go out):

 

If you ask a girl for her number you’re risking a real rejection that you can learn from. You’re putting your personality on the line, and, in general, making your intentions clear, when asking a girl for her number.

 

If every night you go out you make a point to ask a few girls for their numbers, you will learn from your failures. Some girls will give you their number, some won’t. The result of each individual interaction isn’t important, what matters is that you’re risking real rejections (and successes).

 

Whenever you invite a girl to your place (for an ‘afterparty’/a drink/ or to ‘watch’ a movie) you’re facing a real rejection. If you asked a girl over every night you went out, you would learn a lot about what you’re doing well and what you need to improve on. Each rejection will be full of lessons to learn. You will also find yourself getting much more consistent results through doing this.

 

Ultimately, you can use whatever metric for facing rejection you want. But it must be something that forces you to risk real rejections. It’s easy to go out and talk to a few girls every weekend, it’s a lot harder to actively seek out opportunities to get rejected. However, if you want results, this is the only path to getting them.

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