We all know the concept. 25 guys are lined up to win the heart of a one woman, and over the weeks she narrows down the field to find the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Despite the fact that it's a "reality" TV show in a completely fabricated scenario, it's still an incredibly interesting social scenario to study. I'd like to share some of my observations.

halfhearted spoiler alert for those of you living under rocks

This season recently ended and we learned that the winner was Jef, an entrepreneur from Utah. With that hindsight, watching his game in the first two episodes is very interesting.

In episode one, he makes a flashy entrance, riding in tow behind the limo on a skateboard rather than riding inside with the other guys. This separates him in a very positive way. He demonstrated (showed, not told), Emily something about him - that he's a fun, chill guy who probably has hobbies and adventures outside of his "entrepreneur" label. He's not a bad skateboarder either, so it wasn't just some prop. There were someother flashy entrances too, from the guy who danced in with a boombox blaring club music to the rich kid who drops in from a helicopter. Jef's was just unique enough without seeming ridiculous, over-the-top, or try-hard.

Next, as he walks in, he picks up his skateboard and chucks it in the bushes. That takes the focus off of his prop, and brings it back to him as he introduces himself for the first time. Emily comments that he shouldn't have done that, that she wants to try it out later. Just like that, he's gotten himself an "in" for spending time with her later, whereas everyone else has to awkwardly interrupt a conversation and pull her away to get their 5 minutes of alone time with her.

Later that first night, we see Emily walking outside to meet Jef, who's been sitting in the gazebo he arranged, complete with some champagne. He stands up and walks to her as she comes in, but very importantly, he has not come hunting for her. His first impression was good enough that she would come to him, and all he had to do was be ready when the opportunity came. He was confident, collected, and patient, whereas many of the other guys were literally sweating about getting time with Emily as the night wound down. His reward for his patience? This line from Emily:

I really like Jef. He made a great first impression. He's super cool, and I hope he thinks I'm cool, too.

In episode 2, this dynamic continues. After the group date ends, the group is back with Emily in the mansion that evening. When she finally finds Jef, she confides to the cameras:

Either Jef's playing hard to get or he's just not into me.

Face-to-face with Jef, she elaborates:

When I came in here tonight I said 'Where the hell is Jef? Like where has he been all day? Why hasn't he come talk to me? ... When I hang out with you I feel very awkward, like I feel like I'm in middle school like I'm the annoying younger sister like 'hey, look at me, look at me!'

At that point, he realizes that he's pushed her far enough, and that the time is right to pull her back in. As Emily tells him about how she's been wanting a sign of interest from him, like a returned glance for example, he tells that he honestly has not noticed her checking him out, and that he feels the same insecurity and awkwardness around her. He validates her feeling of vulnerability and builds rapport by matching her sentiment. Yet the underlying message is still clear - this will be an even exchange between them. It won't be him hot in pursuit and her drinking it up. If she wants the reward of his attention, she needs to be prepared to work and give him something as well.

After writing this, I looked for some post-finale thoughts from Jef and found this:

Many have questioned whether Jef’s reticence around Emily was the result of shyness, or if he was playing hard to get as a strategy. He suggested that it was a little of both. “I wanted her to know that there was a guy who wasn’t trying to chase her like crazy,” he said. But he also implied that he thought his approach intrigued the Bachelorette. “I think it was kind of cool to make her wait … I was the one guy who was like, 'You’re going to have to fight for me too. I don’t want to be the only guy who is pursuing you here. I want you to pursue me.’" Needless to say, this is not a strategy that comes up much on The Bachelorette, or in life for that matter.

To be honest, I haven't watched any further episodes, but I think that this is plenty to digest for now. First impressions matter, and this is how a winner made his and outshone 24 other very eligible bachelors. As always, the moral of the story is the same principles that have brought you success here before.

1) Don't be needy.

2) You are the prize.

3) Everything in moderation. Know when to tone it back and be vulnerable.

Episode 2: http://www.hulu.com/watch/363096#s-p3-so-i0

Post-finale interview: http://www.realitynation.com/tv-shows/the-bachelorette/jef-holm-call-season-9-15142/

Edit: formatting