This topic comes up so endlessly in PUA / dating advice it's unreal. Dispute there being so much information not many people have a lot of it. What is confidence and how do you develop it?

My basic idea is that confidence comes from the fulfillment of your self determined criteria for what a cool person is. If you sit around at home eating doritos and playing video games all the time but in your head a cool person is someone who socializes a lot and is successful at sports, you will not have high confidence. Almost unbelievably however, if you GENUINELY believe that sitting at home eating doritos and playing videos is what a cool person does, then you will have high confidence.

There is an enormous discrepancy between those two perceptions of what cool is. The first person is a rational sane person who has a solid intellectual grasp on social hierarchy, while the second person is completely delusional. This is why a lot of the guys who are naturals with women are also narcissistic psychopaths. They are so obsessed with themselves that they fail to see the reality of their true social status.

So for the average sane guy this unfortunately (in a good way!) means that he needs to actually take concrete steps to fulfill his concept of what a cool person lives like. Examples could be dressing in a presentable manner, staying in shape, dealing with past emotional trauma, having a wide range of social connections, healthy relationships with family members, being able to let loose and have fun, being able to be serious and see a task through to completion, positive mental narrative, getting enough sleep, not overthinking, organizing social events, performing meaningful tasks throughout the day, having a way to vent emotions that build up through the day, being well read, having cool stories to tell, being a good listener, not being needy, giving gifts without any expectation of reciprocation, etc.

This is an extensive list and not all of these may be required depending on your own specific concept of what a cool person it.

This topic is further complicated by the effect of situational confidence. This type of confidence is manifested when a person is engaged with a social environment that he is already established in a positive manner. An example would be the CEO of a company in his workplace or a regular guy hanging out with his high school friends. They are very confident in these situations but will be less so if they were placed into a nightclub they've never been to before and have never met any of the people there previously.

Situational confidence should be viewed as a nice to have and a natural side effect of building up a cool lifestyle. It should not be a crutch. If you need the situation to be in your favor at all times it will just be a mask for your low self esteem.

What are some of the effects of developing confidence?

  1. Positive frame of mind. When you aren't worrying about what other people think of you there are less negative thoughts bogging you down. Since you are meeting the criteria of what you deem a cool person the negative thoughts are replaced with positive ones like "I'm awesome!".

  2. People enjoy your company. When you behave in a confident way people will want to be around you. You are funny because you aren't afraid of offending people, you have interesting stories because you socialize regularly and have a wide range of experiences as a result, you are able to pick up on social cues because you pay attention to how people behave, you aren't attached to other people's lives because you are living your own awesome one.

  3. Women are naturally attracted to you. When I say this I don't mean they're all over you as soon as you walk into a club for the first time. I mean that the women who are a part of your social circles will inevitably want you over time. A guy who carries himself well, speaks his mind, doesn't let others push him around and is sure of his actions is truly rare. As they spend more time around you they will see that these traits are core to your being, not just a show and become attracted as a result.

In my experience undoubtedly the best way to develop confidence is by learning to pick up girls IN PERSON (not online). I believe this is true because having success with women is a part of EVERY person's concept of what a cool guy is, and is a substantial part of it's entirety to be honest. It doesn't matter if you run a successful company, play guitar really well, or have a lot of friends. You simply cannot be a cool guy if you don't have success with women.

I would also like to mention that I view confidence, entitlement and self esteem as essentially the same topic.