Let me tell you a story about the other night:

I was out with some friends, and one of my very good friends in particular just seemed really nervous and insecure. Not only was he tearing up coasters and other antsy behavior (this was nervousness, not ADD... which I actually have)... anytime someone tried talking to him outside our immediate group, he insecurely brushed them off.

I noticed myself getting a strange feeling of anxiety and nervousness... but couldn't pinpoint why. Sound familiar?

Empathy

I am reading a book on evolution right now, and in it they talk about how people who are empathetic pick up other's emotions and often experience it themselves and the reasonings for the evolution. One reason empathy evolved was for survival. It's found in most primates, and if one primate displayed fear, the others would and go into survival mode thinking that they were too in danger (which often times they are).

Imagine you see a group of people terrified running in a certain direction. Chances are, you're going to join them. Obviously there is something dangerous going on that they are fleeing from, and you'd be an idiot to wait around to figure out what it was.

Empathy is both a blessing and a curse. It allows you to connect to people (and did a bunch for our survival), but it can lead you in situations where you start emulating the behavior of those around you. This is bad if they are insecure.

How To Control Your Emotions

Now I haven't unlocked the secret to control it if I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable in a situation, and a friend is obviously more so... It automatically increases my anxiety.

However, the other night in the story I referred to, I was COMPLETELY comfortable in my environment before my friend got all nervous, and me starting to empathetically feel the same emotion. I caught myself though. Once the feelings of anxiety came up, I asked myself the following question.

You were completely comfortable before... Why are you suddenly anxious?

The reason was obviously my friend's anxiety. I tend to be a naturally empathetic person so I had to remind myself "his emotions are his, and if he is uncomfortable, it should have no affect on my own comfort. I realize my picking up his feelings of anxiousness are a survival mechanism handed down to me by evolution, but I am in no danger here. This is a false alarm."

I wish I could say that after that I was at a complete calm zen, but truth be told, my hyperactive empathetic brain still felt the anxiety... but I was able to IGNORE it. Ok, so my emotions are going haywire due to a false alarm, I recognize this, however someone else's anxiety won't control my actions after I've deemed a situation safe.

Further Applications

Something that often happens to me when I'm hanging out with other friends is that they go into complete AFC mode, and unfortunately I will often subconsciously emulate. I am going to try to work on this, and notice when this happens (it's extra tough when you're also feeling nervous.

I also believe this is key to overcoming AA. Recognizing the pit in your stomach is caused by a hypersensitive knack for survival which says "hey, you might get KILLED for talking to these women, or shunned, or etc." Recognizing the cause, and LETTING YOURSELF FEEL NERVOUS BUT NOT ACTING ON IT is key to overcoming AA.

Obviously, this is easier said than done, but recognizing should be a step in the right direction for everyone with AA.