Wingmanship

This is part 4 of my followup to my introductory newbie guide.

This section will cover Wingmanship.

• Full course syllabus

A lot has been written over the years about how to approach women and how to get their contact info or hook up with them, but surprisingly little has been written about how to properly wing. This is really a shame because winging is a crucial skill you’ll need to know if you’re going out with other people with the intended goal of meeting and building a connection with members of the opposite sex. Put simply, a good wing can be the difference between a sure thing and complete failure. The following is a primer on the fundamentals of being a good wing so that everyone makes it home safely and successfully.

The basics….

Rule #1 A WING’S PRIMARY JOB…

This has been said many times in the past, but it’s worth repeating. Your job as a wing is to make sure your buddy is successful in whatever his or her goal is for that interaction. For example, if he or she is only out to improve skills isolating the person they’re interested in then so be it. If his or her goal is to bring home someone for sex, more power to them. It’s your job to assist them in their stated goal. Nothing more, nothing less.

Rule #2 WHOEVER APPROACHES…

In the pickup community they have a saying, “whoever approaches the set, owns the set”. The overall idea is sound because the person doing the approaching is doing the heavy lifting, so to speak, and likely did so because he was interested in one of the people in the group. Nobody likes to approach and win over the group and have things going well to have someone else come along and “steal” the person they were interested in. It’s selfish and immensely disrespectful to do that, so we operate under the assumption that the person who did the approach is in the driver’s seat with regard to who the wing will focus their attention on.

• As the wing your job is to back up your buddy—do not steal the spotlight

• Don’t be afraid to play things more casually than you normally would

Note: Sometimes the group will decide how things go. Be mindful if the guy/girl you’re interested in is more interested in your wing and vice versa. Sometimes that’s just the way things go. Personally I’d rather this occur and you adjust accordingly then everyone lose out on a good thing completely.

Rule #3 OCCUPYING THE OBSTACLES

Once upon a time in 1999 I was out with my natural friend who was a champ at approaching. After losing a potential sure thing I had the following realization, which is as much of a truism in the community as there is:

“You can’t get the hottie until you appease the nottie.”

In other words…

• You have to win over the obstacle(s) first and foremost or they’ll likely shut you down

• If you can find someone for yourself that’s great, but if you can’t then that doesn’t mean bail. You stay in there and occupy the obstacle(s) for your buddy!

PROTIP: Be sure to have a signal established ahead of time to coordinate a tandem bailout. Otherwise you risk winging each other for a group neither of you have further interest in. Note: Men can be obstacles too. Again, occupy the obstacles first and foremost. Obviously the wing doesn’t have to “go for the close” in this instance, but do keep his attention off what’s going on with the girl and your wing! Hell, you could even have the guy wing you elsewhere!

Rule #4 NEVER TOOL YOUR BUDDY

It’s understandable when you and your wing mix up your signals or maybe you remember a story incorrectly inadvertently casting your wing in a negative light, but doing so on purpose is unforgivable.

• Don’t be afraid to cut a conversational thread if it’s going in a direction that casts your buddy in a negative light

• Only bust on your wing as much as you are both comfortable with, and not until you’ve formed a bond so you know where your respective boundaries are

• Do not escalate touching with the person your wing is interested in

  • A brief handshake is where things should stop, generally speaking

PROTIP: Be sure to have a signal established ahead of time to indicate to your wing which person is the one you’re most interested in when you approach a group.

Rule #5 BEING NORMAL

Some things people just do when they’ve been friends for a while. Like the above point, you don’t want to tool your wing, but some slight busting on each other once in a while is to be expected. It’s part of being friends. There is such a thing as being too nice that will ring false. Furthermore, ignoring your good friend and focusing on the women is just another version of telegraphing your interest.

• Your buddy is more important than the group of strangers you just met

• When telling a story, even if you’ve both heard it a million times, you both should act like it’s familiar but fresh

• Don’t just tell the story to the group seeking a reaction and ignoring the wing—it smacks of telegraphing interest and is a bit of “dancing monkey”

• Make your wing look good when he enters the group—it’ll reflect positively onto yourself

  • Stop the conversation and acknowledge his presence
  • Give an accomplishment introduction

• A good deal of the conversation in general should be directed towards the wing, not the stranger you just met. This is just part of being normal, well grounded, and helps limit telegraphing interest.

• This is also a great way to show off a little bit about yourselves—simply reminisce with your wing and letting the others observe the history and accomplishments and fun you had as you tell each other old stories

Note: Exceptions exist for the above points. For example, if the person who approached the group is “having a moment” with his or her person of interest. In such a case the wing should not interrupt him or her and instead should immediately occupy the obstacle(s) by introducing himself, and immediately grounding his presence by explaining his connection to his wing they’ve already met.

Rule #6 PACING

If you and your wing escalate at a different paces, chances are someone is getting cock-blocked. Try and be mindful of where your wings are at with the others in the group. Ideally though everyone should have broken off into their own little groups. This leads me to Rule #7….

Rule #7 ISOLATE

One of the things that is almost required in order to build a solid connection with someone is to have some good quality alone time. As a wing, you can do this by pulling the group away, thus leaving your friend with the person he or she is talking to. Look for ways of giving each other mini isolation or even full isolation. You do this by being mindful of the venue, logistics, and generally being socially aware.

Shortly after a wing enters the group and you’ve done introductions, don't keep trying to hold court. Isolate/mini-isolate and let your wing occupy the rest of the group.

Rule #8 AVOID WING DEPENDENCY

You can isolate from different groups. If you approached and one the people in that group is a go, never mind your wing. Do your thing and let your wing settle into another group. You don’t always need a wing, and if you can get away without one then don’t worry about the group. Something you can do is make the person you’re with shoo away the group they were with, assuming this person is really into you. In effect you’re recruiting him or her as an impromptu wing.

Rule #9 HAVE A SYSTEM

This is something I learn from watching women eye code. They have an eye-contact system to indicate all kinds of things with their friends. As such, you and your wings should have a stystem, whatever that might be, for indicating things such as:

• Who in the group you’re interested in

• How to cue your friend you forgot someone’s name

• Know when you want your wing to give you isolation

• A cue to indicate you need help with the group, want him or her to leave, or not even approach in the first place

And that's about all there is to it. The more you go out with friends, the more this will actually happen on it's own. You'll develop signals, be able to read each others cues, and so on. This guide is principally for those just starting out who need to quickly get on the same page with their wings so they don't undercut each other and step on each others toes.