I've been living at home due to the pandemic and a breakup, at the moment with my brother and father. My mother is abroad looking after her parents.

I don't have much of a relationship with my brother, he is a deeply difficult person and though he has never been diagnosed, we suspect he has aspergers or something along those lines. He should be moving out soon, but it's been 'soon' for a long time - he bought a house and my dad is desperately pushing my brother to get it all finished and renovated so he can move out, but progress is slow.

My brother does essentially fuck all in the way of cleaning or chores or cooking. Prior to my mom going abroad several months ago, it was mostly her and me, and my dad occasionally helping. I have always cleaned the bathroom as one of my duties.

A few days ago, after a shower, I noticed my brother didn't rinse the bath tub down and left some hairs (inc pubes) in there and some dirt or something on the side. I asked him politely to rinse it down. He didn't do it all day. The next day I asked him again. Nothing. In the evening, I asked for a third time, saying out of consideration can he please rinse down the tub. He snapped, immediately responded with "I've been asking you for years to not slam my car's door when you get out", because that's the only thing he ever does for me, give me occasional lifts. I do sometimes slam the door but it's accidental and I try not to. It is also clearly entirely irrelevant to the conversation. I tried reasoning again and saying that is irrelevant and also that when he asks I try not to, bu he argued back and I lost it and told him fine, then I won't clean the bathroom at all and it can be his problem. I left the room and he laughed. There's literally some synapses missing in his brain, I absolutely do not comprehend this behaviour. My dad is useless, he was there the whole time and didn't say anything. Basically no one in my family ever really wants to go had to head with my brother because there is no winning or reasoning.

My brother basically has a deathgrip on this family with his horrendous and bizarre behaviour. I don't think it is narcissism, but he is bizarrely stubborn and resistant to everything. My mom said that years ago she raised her voice at him because he refused to do something she asked him to do and he didn't speak to her for literally half a year. I really think he would have changed his tune if they kicked him out but they never did and let him live there all the while pretending my mother didn't exist but still eating the dinner she cooked at night.

I resent my parents somewhat because they enable this behaviour - the latter story happened when he was in his early 20s, post university graduation, living at home.

My mom justifies his behaviour because he is very 'dutiful' in regards to money - he is very generous with his money to my parents (he has a very well-paying career, I do not, but I do also contribute the same rent while living at home). While I was at university and he had a job he would send me money each month to support me (my parents asked him to), he never uses money as something to 'hold' above me or my parents, it's never been mentioned and I've never been asked to pay it back, but I haven't asked or gotten any money from him since graduating. He will also give me lifts when its late out or meet me at the station so I don'y have to walk home alone when it's dark but that's where it ends. I think he is deeply patriarchal and basically sees me, a woman and his younger sister, asking him to do something as an insult. I should just silently clean everything like the docile woman that I am, despite the fact that we pay equal amounts of rent and both work. I will also add that he is in his 30s. This is not a teenager. I think he has a deeply black and white view of the world, where he performs the 'male' tasks without complaint, adheres to a hierarchy, but he will rage if anything goes outside that.

He has never ever been violent (again I think it is that 'dutifulness') but he will raise his voice and yell and I don't think he has ever apologised to anyone. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am not speaking to him but I don't think that matters to him or frankly, but we also didn't speak all that much prior to this anyway. Earlier this year he had awful, hour-long panic attacks and I was the only one there consistently comforting him through them, spending hours talking him down and distracting him, going on walks and holding his arm because he felt too weak. But he has gotten better since, thanks to my help. During the anxious periods he would be easier to get on with because he 'needed' me, but clearly now he feels he doesn't owe me anything and is no longer experiencing panic attacks so doesn't care. My mom agrees I am in the right but tbh she doesn't have any 'authority' over him either and I don't want her to waste her energy talking to him while she herself is going through a difficult period because it won't change anything. She herself has a difficult narcissistic brother and is in pain because her mother is such an enabler, it is ironic she doesn't see the same pattern of behaviour because she initially tried to make out that we are both in the wrong and I should have just silently cleaned the bath myself when he didn't do it. She thinks he will change once he moves out and learns to look after his own home, but even if it changes his cleanliness habits it won't suddenly make him respect me or women generally. He's not even especially messy, the problem is his complete contempt towards me, he also lived away from home for university and several years post-graduation, though he may have had a cleaner at that time and def roommates.

What the hell do I do? I think not cleaning the bathroom like I threatened will ultimately only hurt me, as I will most likely crack first and have to clean an especially dirty bathroom. Silently just cleaning it feels like a massive admission but I also don't think there is any way of winning. He might be moving out in August but frankly I don't think he is in a rush and even if he does move out I'm sure he will be back regularly. I'm not scared of him but I am truly shocked at the utter contempt. He's not violent and it's easy to ignore him entirely and live like two ships in the night in the same house, quite frankly. I don't think he is a narc but I think there are some screws loose. I am also just so sad at how broken all the men are around me. My dad is definitely deeply avoidant however I never felt neglected or unloved by him. My mom is warm and kind and consequently I myself am very emotionally stable and secure, however the experience of living with only the male members of my family coupled with my narc ex, I have realised that I don't really know what emotionally healthy men are like at all.

Anyway, this has turned into a weird rant, but if anyone has any insight on the best way to go about this, please let me know.