Wife Is Having An Affair-We Are Divorcing

Confused...Going Through Divorce

This story might be a little long...

The wife, two (step) kids and I moved from 1200 miles to Dallas, TX for my new position which was offered by my company as a promotion. I was going to turn the offer down because truly I had no desire to move to Texas (I love this place now!). She talked sense into me and I took the offer and we moved Jan 2020.

Not long after that COVID19 started and we were left to navigate a new family (oh yea we also got married a week before our big move) dynamic, a new city, covid, working from home, and online learning for a 6 and 10 year old. Life got hectic quick!

Fast forward to after summer vacation and we got our two boys back to get ready for the new school year. That’s when things fell apart. We stopped dating each other and we got tied down with everything that had to do with the kids...football, Taekwondo, school work, parent meetings, and she was out of work because her office shut down. Anyway we didn’t have a great start to our Marraige and we got stale pretty quick. I had issues with the kids as far as their behavior goes. They insisted that they couldn’t go to sleep without the tv on(they went to bed at 11PM), they ate dinner in front of the tv while playing video games, the older brother picked on the youngest, they couldn’t say “please” or “thank you” if they’re life depended on it, and they treated their mother like she was their slave. I obviously would correct the kids but then my soon to be ex wife would always come in and save their butts. That eventually made me feel like an outsider in my own home. I knew that blended families would be tough but when you add covid, a new job, new city, and take the kids away from everything they have ever known (even if it was for a better life) blended family life gets SUPER HARD. I started noticing that the kids were doing what they wanted because their mother allowed it. That made me start to get annoyed with her and she would never listen to me about it. She thought I was being unfair to them.

That same year I started medication for my PTSD and they had me on a strong dose which basically took any emotion I had and suppressed them. I would be super happy but wasn’t able to show that I was just blah all the time to the outside world. The meds and not feeling like the man in my house made me stop showing affection to my wife. I would always cook, clean, do laundry, let her sleep in, make coffee for her every morning and bring it to her bedside, get the kids up for school, etc. so to me I thought my actions said I love you. But I was wrong since she didn’t think I did because her love language was words of affirmation.

Anyway fast forward...she brings up divorce a bunch and moving out a bunch to the point where I started to also think that maybe divorce was the best option. She moves out in December. Two weeks go by and my head is clear, and I got the right dosage on my medication now. For two weeks I been coming up with excuses to come over her apartment to see her and the kids. Well one day I decided to surprise her with flowers. I go over while she’s at work (she never locks the door smh) and drop the flowers off only to see a strange book bag in her room. I asked her son (he was home sick) if another man has been sleeping here and his exact words were “please don’t tell mom but Luis has been staying over here for a couple of nights.” I was heart broken.

I called her and asked her and she said she would never do anything until the divorce was over. Mind you only two weeks has gone by and she already had another man sleeping over and he had been around the kids. I knew she was lying but I didn’t want to believe it. So naturally I went into desperation mode. I started talking to her everyday trying to convince her to come back. I started doing all the small things I did for her like bring her the same coffee I first got her the day we met, I sent flowers to her office, etc. it was all met with anger and her telling me we will never be together again.

My best friend told me not to stay him alone for the holidays. So I purchased a ticket to go visit him in Florida. I been talking to my soon to be ex wife and I asked if could spend Christmas with her and the boys and she said no that I needed to go to Florida and have a good time. So I fly out to Florida for a few days and missed Christmas. During that time the ex wife is communicating with every day and we will laugh and talk about the good times.

I come home and asked her if I could do New Years with her and you guessed it she said no! One day she asked me to go check on the kids and she was really stressed. Well she calls me back and tells me to forget it because she’s in her way. Something told me to still go over to her place and check. When I get there she’s not there. I took this opportunity to snoop around the house and to my surprise her closet was filled with men clothes and sneakers, and her bathroom had all his shower stuff and shaving stuff. I called her to tell her I checked on the boys and that I know she is having an affair. She apologized and said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to hurt me. I decided to get back on the plane to Florida and I stayed out there for another week. During that time she’s still texting me and I’m trying hard to get my wife back.

New Year’s Eve we text all day, and I tell her I will call her to wish her a happy new year. I call and she sends me straight to voicemail. I call again and she does it one more time. Finally I text her “you’re not picking up because he’s sitting right next to you isn’t he?” Her only response was “I don’t know what to say. I already told you that I was seeing him.”

My heart of course shattered and like a dummy I kept telling her we can fix this and I forgive you and just taking all the blame. Well for two more weeks we would keep talking and me constantly trying and setting up meetings with a therapist. She wasn’t having it any of it. She would blame shift, and gas light me so bad. She said she cheated because she was mad and that it was my fault. I even believed her that it was my fault. But she kept having the affair with him and kept him around.

Slowly I started to cut her off of everything financial wise. Eventually I started to come to my senses that it’s not going to work. The final straw was when she was crying that she got rid of her affair partner so she can work on herself. She was more upset about ending it with him and blaming me for her financial problems but wouldn’t work with me. I tried to help her find insurance and she hung the phone up on me. I was done.

So I missed Christmas, New Years, our anniversary (Jan 23, 2020), our sons birthday, the anniversary of us moving to Dallas and having all our grand plans and ideas...all of that was gone in a blink of an eye.

I’ve acknowledged my faults and what I contributed to the fall of the marriage, I’ve apologized numerous times, took the blame, and even came up with a solid game plan (see a therapist together and individually, go on a date once a month, do something with the boys once a month to build a bond, etc) for us to restart our Marraige. She didn’t care for any of that.

My question is what do I do? I try to stay busy with work, the gym, church, go out and try new restaurants, etc. But somehow with all of the stuff she’s done I still feel bad for her, I want to help her, I still love her, and I still think about all the plans we had. Deep down I know the marriage was toxic. I didn’t have the affair so why is it that I’m the one who feels like I did the crime??? Is this normal to feel this way?

Side note: she was talking to the guy three weeks before she moved out. I actually know him and so does the whole football team. Now the head coach is asking if I’m comfortable coaching this year with all this mess.

UPDATE 02/28/20: As soon I get along with my life and forget about my STBX guess who comes calling out of nowhere. As some of you know us here in Texas was hit hard with the snow storm. Anyway she texts me early morning on Sunday and asked if I had water. Mind you earlier I told y’all that we still live in the same apartment complex. Anyway, she knew my water was off because we both got the same email from management. So then she proceeds with her small talk and I already figured out what she was doing. I tell her I need to get ready for Mass. 45 mins later she texts me saying that she can think clearly now and is sorry (half hearted attempt where she still felt justified for her on going affair) for her part but we both failed each other. I asked her why she didn’t want to work on it back when we had a chance and she said she was mad. She proceeds to start her long ass rant about how terrible her life is. How terrible the kids are acting, how she feels like she failed at everything in life, and she’s so lost and so hurt and etc. etc. etc!!!! Just giving me the sob story of her life. Sending me photos of her in her new outfits and asking me if I liked how they looked on her smh (insert eye roll).

Ladies and Gents she was texting me all of this (wait for it) with her AP in the living room!!! Lol is this a joke or what? She is literally all over his Facebook page, and is still actively dating this man, and he still spends more than half of the week over at her house yet she’s texting me and complaining about her problems.

She also tells me that she wants someone who can’t keep their hands off of her, and hugs her as she walks through the door, and someone who thinks that she is his whole world and will die without her. I am not a dog who stays home all day waiting for his owner to come home so that was the text that did it for me. I told her that’s not Love nor is that realistic but good luck! I could never provide that for her and no man can.

Divorce will be final in 3 more weeks and I cannot wait.

Update 03/24/2020:

Welp divorce has been finalized!

The last two and half weeks she played around with me and told me she wanted to work things out but she needed time to think. Avoided seeing me in person, avoided questions, blamed everything on her depression medication, etc. She kept giving me hope and then back tracking. She “kicked” the AP out so she could think. Well yes he was gone for a week. But Monday she calls me and tells me that she’s made a decision lol. I’m like a decision between him and I or a decision in general??? She was quiet and I already knew what it was. Long story short I got no explanation from her. The very next day I took the final divorce decree to the court house. Later in the day she seemed so excited to know if I got the papers signed or not. This broad tells me that she wanted to remain friends because I’m a good guy and she does love me lol. Two hours later her boy friend’s vehicle was back at her place lol. Gotta love it