Hi FDS,

I’ve been sexually active for a long time and I viewed porn at a young age. It led me down a rabbit hole of abuse kinks, degradation, excessive focus on porn. I even went to sex parties and BDSM clubs, and engaged in polyamory. So much of my life has centered around being not only the “cool” girl, but also the “sexy” girl and the “adventurous” girl. My advertisement to men has always been “my boundary is that I have no boundaries.”

However, this attitude has completely destroyed my self-esteem. I’ve been assaulted many times and have gone along with so many things I absolutely did not want to do. Everything has come to a head over the past few years. I started experiencing painful sex as a result of a hormonal imbalance and recurring yeast and bv. Medical treatments have helped a bit, but I don’t think I’ll ever get to a place where I have carefree sex in the same way. Penetration has to be done extremely slowly and carefully, with lots of lubrication. Even then, I have to stop sometimes. In some ways it feels like my body betrayed me. In other ways, it saved me. Now, because of this medical issue, I have started to rethink my past sexual relationships and investigate the damage that they have done.

I do wish a lot of times that I could be that “ideal” sex object. I have a friend who is attractive and has a libido so high that her boyfriend struggles to satisfy it, and I feel jealous of her. I mourn the days where I could have sex many times per day, where I was very sexually motivated, where I could please men and they wouldn’t have to worry about hurting me. I know that missing all of this sounds really sad. I think it’s sad, too. That’s why I want advice on how to reduce this need for sick sexual validation.

The thing is, I know I am a beautiful person inside and out. I have so many good qualities: I’m intelligent, funny, analytical, creative, observant, understanding, and considerate. But validation I receive from those things pales in comparison to sexual validation, and that hurts me. It hurts me because, in order to get that sexual validation I have traumatized myself and trampled over my wants and needs. I have put myself in dangerous situations and even physically damaged myself (not being able to walk without pain for a week) so that a man could derive pleasure from me. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I deserve so much better.

Despite knowing I deserve better, I still feel jealous of women who are better “objects” than I am. Women who are sexually available, horny, sexy, pleasing. Women who are able to do so much sexually and don’t have limits. I know that this isn’t realistic, especially for someone like me who experiences sexual pain. But it still weighs on me, not only personally, but societally as well. I know that I need to fix this problem and be very very strong within myself first, because I WILL be up against the pressures of porn, men who will question me and test my boundaries, people who will be mad that I am no longer their sex toy and will no longer be speaking to them.

My question is: for those of you here who were in my situation, how did you change your mindset? How did you stop feeling like sexual desirability was the be all end all of your worth?