When I told my husband that I was feeling insecure about all the weight I've gained since we started dating, he said, "I understand that it bothers you. I know you want to be healthier, and I need to do that too. We can help each other with that. But you should know that the weight hasn't affected how I feel about you. You're beautiful, and I love you." I was really skeptical of this at first. I just kept thinking, "there's no way he hasn't noticed all the weight gain. There's no way that hasn't affected how physically attractive I am." It took me a long time to realize that I was projecting. I kept assuming that if he noticed the weight gain and if he noticed the difference in my appearance, that would change how he felt about me. And therefore he must have been lying about not noticing. 

I finally understood that he wasn't saying it wasn't noticeable. He was saying it didn't matter to him how noticeable it was. He loves me and believes I'm beautiful because of who I am to him, not because of my looks. I'm sure he would find me more attractive if I were...more attractive. That's just how that works. And I know it's important for me to lose the weight for my own health, happiness, and confidence. But what he's been trying to tell me is that whatever my physical state---overweight, tired, no make-up, breakouts, whatever---I am me and therefore beautiful and precious to him. And it isn't just in words or just when I'm seeking reassurance; he makes me feel beautiful and cherished all the time in the way he treats me. 

There is no reason---absolutely no reason---any one of us should tolerate close relationships with people who are more concerned about our physical appearance than who we are to them. We don't need men, friends, or family members who draw attention to our imperfections or make us feel insecure about our appearance, and we should be ruthless in excising this attitude from our own minds as well. We will all (if we are fortunate) be old and wrinkly one day. We are all vulnerable to illnesses and stresses that erode our appearance, and none of us get to choose our "attractiveness starting point" in terms of facial structure, genetics, etc.

There's nothing wrong with having physical standards for ourselves or for romantic partners, but it is so easy for people to become excessively concerned with appearances, especially when we're constantly bombarded with "perfect" airbrushed people in the media. The second you get even a whiff that someone in your life (including yourself) is fixating on your appearance and getting critical, it's time to have a come to Jesus moment. And anyone who is auditioning to be in your life (e.g., dating prospects) who starts down that road doesn't deserve any more of your time or attention.