Communication and trust are supposed to be foundational to healthy relationships. LVM/NVM know this, and they will attempt to weaponize these concepts to browbeat you into shouldering all the effort in a relationship. They will act as if cOmMuNiCaTiOn means you talk while they ignore you, and they talk while doing absolutely nothing constructive. They will act as if trust is just blindly believing someone who is acting like an ass, all because of magical Disney lOvE.

This is a psychological torture method I've observed in my own past relationships and in the relationships of close friends with shitty boyfriends.

Your trust is viewed as an entitlement, not something that must be earned. And any criticism or concern, no matter how gently worded, is viewed as an expression of distrust/lack of faith/personal attack.

So if you have an issue with them, your options are (1) start a fight/provoke accusations and anger, (2), shut up and live with whatever consequences arise from your partner's action/inaction, or (3) deal with the problem yourself.

Notice how this is designed to ensure that you cannot peacefully negotiate less work for yourself or more work for your partner. You can't even peacefully discuss things your partner doesn't want to discuss. The individual who has weaponized trust in the relationship is in complete control. If they don't want to do something, all they have to do is throw a tantrum that's disguised as hurt feelings over your lack of trust in them. They will claim that if you trusted and respected them, you wouldn't be worried about any of their behavior. You would just wait for them to do the things they need to do.

If you bring up the fact that they never do anything without being asked, they will come up with stupid examples about that one time they cleaned a dish, changed a diaper, or filled out a job application without your direction. This argument will never go anywhere, regardless of how calm and rational you are in the face of their bullshit. They will get increasingly more angry and emotional, and they will eventually provoke you into being emotional as well, at which point they will ramp up their complaints that you're being hurtful and irrational.

This is especially effective if you've been shouldering more than your fair share for a long time. Your partner has a lot more free time and energy to dedicate to circular, emotional arguments. If they have to stay up all night fighting with you, no big deal. They can just sleep in the next morning while you're losing your mind with fatigue at work, caring for your child, etc. So you will be even more motivated to avoid option (1) in the future, and your partner gets to enjoy the fruits of your labor without hearing criticisms of their own slacking...at least for awhile.

This cycle repeats indefinitely, until you either succumb entirely to the realization that you are just going to have to do everything or you leave the relationship, at which point your partner will act as if the deterioration of the relationship is your fault. "Why didn't you CoMmUnIcAtE?," conveniently glossing over the fact that you were righteously punished every time you tried to do that.

For example, my ex-husband would not get a job. He would constantly talk about getting a job, he would promise to get a job after x weeks/months of trying some get-rich-quick scheme, but he would never actually sit down and look for one. Every time I brought it up, he would act hurt and offended that I didn't trust his judgement, I didn't respect him as a man, blah blah. "Of course I'll get a job eventually, I just need to [insert word salad excuse here] first."

Eventually, when this insane, infuriating behavior did not cause me to shut up about it, he started doing little token gestures shortly after I asked. Filling out an application. Taking some odd job that would never lead to anything permanent. Talking to some rando about "opportunities."

Then when I brought up that, well look at that, it had been six months and he still didn't have a fucking job, he would whine about how he was working on it, why was I being so impatient? Why should he even try when I'm so unappreciative of his efforts? Blah blah.

This is why you do. not. listen to this shit. You don't negotiate or discuss. You have to be ruthless in noting when he's not following through and cutting him off. I was obviously foolish to stay with him, but at the time I honestly did not even realize the crazy-making manipulation he was subjecting me to. I was too deep in fatigue and anxiety from the constant gaslighting.

You cannot make a man be a good partner, no matter how much you sacrifice your own happiness and well being at the altar of trust and communication. Dealing with this shit is exhausting and confusing. The only way to win is not to play.