I (37F) have been with my boyfriend (34M) for going on 7 years. He has struggled with alcoholism and porn addiction. His determination and Gods grace got him through alcoholism and he has been sober 3 years!

The porn, however, has been a longer struggle. He has hidden the extent of the addiction, and has held on to it until recently I told him I was leaving. We have had sex 20 times or less in 6 years, and despite me asking why, asking how I can improve, and what I need to change— there was no improvement. It made sense when the extent of his porn use came to light.

He had made a new promise to change, with scheduled intimacy twice a week (though it has been once a week and none last week). Other than that, I don’t have any boundaries in place. I feel very exposed, weak, and vulnerable… at the mercy of his choices. I understand it isn’t a “me” problem, rather a him problem.

However, I’m really struggling instituting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and coward, as my spouse has described me. I feel the need to put boundaries in place so that another 7 years doesn’t lapse with the same problem.

So, planned intimacy is one. I’m flexible with the number of times a week as long as I see an honest effort. He struggles with ED due to the porn use.

I refuse to have another child until we get married and the porn use has been eliminated (I understand a relapse here or there, but definitely not weekly or even monthly usage).

I guess I still feel exposed and completely vulnerable. I’d like him to meet biweekly with a counselor, but he says he can do it on his own. I disagree, but am not his mother.

Do you all have any suggestions? I do not want to be his accountability partner, I do not go through his phone or want to, I’m hands off and trusting him— but I also trusted him 4 years ago to get rid of it and there was little forward progress.