Chapter 6: Make Him Number One

Welcome RPW. We are continuing on our journey reading Fascinating Womanhood. We will review one chapter a week. If you missed last weeks post you can find it here Feel free to comment about your assignments from last week if you have anything to add.

This chapter discusses a simple concept. Make it known that your Captain is the number one priority in your life. If you already feel like you've done this, make sure that this can be seen in your conscious and unconscious actions. After all, his desire to be number one in your life is not a conscious one.

He doesn't want to be less important, regarded as a convenience, an escort, a ticket to security, or even a sex partner. He would like to feel that she married him for him, and not as a means of fulfilling her needs or reaching her objectives.

Maybe this started long ago, in your childhood fantasies. When you dream of your home, and your children, and your beautiful future, the husband figure is blurry and ill-defined. Later the husband role is a vision of a prince, whom you fall madly for, who promises to care for you always. This can extend to fantasies about the wedding. You can envision the dress, your hair, your bouquet, the beautiful cake, but you just fill in the groom part later. When you win your Captain, you need to focus on making him number one. Let the picket fence, and the cake, and the lace, let it fall away, and make him the prize. Once you've found your captain, don't revert to your childhood dreams. Keep him your focus.

Things we place ahead of our Captain:

1. Children: Of course we feel a strong obligation to children. You are their mother, protector, you must help them to grow. The book tells an example of Clara, a picture of perfect motherhood: “All kindness, patience, and love...She kept extensive scrap-books for each child and gave them the most lavish birthday parties...” But her husband was a background character.

”This situation brought out an ugliness to his personality, a surprise to those who had known him before. Not only did he resent his wife, but he also resented his children, and found it difficult to be a good father.”

Placing your captain in an inferior position to his children will make him resistant to having more.

Making your captain number one does not diminish your sacred duty to your children, nor does it indicate less love for them. You can serve both captain and children without conflict...Children miss nothing when their father comes first, but rather feel more secure and happy.

Ways we put children first:

A place of residence: What would happen if your captain wanted to move for a new opportunity? Would you resist him because of the children? What if the home you would move to would be smaller? What if your children would now have to share a room? These all sound like decisions that are not easy, but this is where it counts. Don't focus on sparing your children an uncomfortable adjustment, support your Captain! If it constitutes a serious injustice you may speak up, otherwise it is suggested,

”Let your children have a little adversity. It will be good for them. And help your husband reduce his adversity. This will be good for him.”

Furthermore, when purchasing a home, pay attention to your captains needs and requests. Has he dreamed of a pool, a big fireplace, or a walk-in pantry? Make sure you hear his needs. If your children also have requests, such as separate rooms, separate bathrooms, room for a game room, make sure that your captain’s needs come first. We all hope to have a happy medium and check every box on the list but if you need to compromise, have your children compromise first.

Time and Attention: Does your captain have to compete for your attention? Do you give him cues verbally or with your body language or tone of voice that says: “I'm too busy?” It's a lot to juggle the needs of a family, but don't always cast your Captain to the side, hoping that he will understand. Making this a pattern speaks to him about his place in the household. The book references a man who is at work for long hours, maybe even traveling, and that this is nice for a woman who wants to devote everything to her children.

”But when he return's home, he'll somehow sense this unwelcome attitude, that beyond his paycheck he is not wanted.”

Money and Things: How much do you spoil your children? Even if you think that you don't, because many people may defensively deny this, really give it some thought. Do you have debt? Do you buy things you can't afford? Are you adding financial stress to his life for the sake of the whims of your children? Don't make the mistake of putting their wants in front of his needs.

Interest and Thought: What preoccupies you?

”Do you spend time thinking of your husband and his problems, how you may comfort and encourage him? Do you have your ear open for his small requests, what he likes for dinner, how he would like to spend the evening, or what is important to him.”

Things we place ahead of our Captain, continued:

2. Homemaking: Hopefully everyone can appreciate a neat, clean, attractive and orderly home. Hopefully there is room to enjoy it as well. Make sure your efforts are aimed towards giving to others, and not your own vanity.

An anecdote is given about a movie called Craig's Wife from 1936! It was remade in 1950 “Harriet Craig” if you like Joan Crawford. The movie is about a domineering woman who marries her husband for money and status. She loves her home more than she loves her husband. When he moves out, as he takes his furniture, it leaves a deep scratch in her perfect floor. She cries about her floor instead of her husband’s departure.

As I type this I'm thinking about American Beauty. I love that movie, I can't believe it's 20 years old! Such a great example of everything that could go wrong in a marriage. I found a scene that perfectly encompasses this point. The scene where Lester is seducing his wife and she is worried about her couch. If you have the time, this clip is three minutes long. But if you are impatient start at 1:42. I love how you can see her instant regret, not at what she said, because it's truly how she feels, but that she said it out loud. Perfect demonstration of how this whole chapter needs to look not just at how we act on the surface, but the whole subconscious.

In conclusion

”Create a home, not a showplace...The castle is not more important than the King that dwells therein.”

Appearance: The efforts in your appearance are important. However they should be aimed at pleasing your Captain. Do not overspend on your wardrobe. Do not make him late to dinner. Do not give your captain the impression that your grooming habits are for the general public. I'll add to this topic that it is just as important for you to look beautiful for him in simple day to day life, and not just for special occasions or leaving the house. Remember, we are making him our number one.

Parents: Does your attachment to your parents or other family members make your Captain feel like he is less important. This is another delicate topic, but I expected nothing less. We are confronting many things throughout this book to challenge our beliefs. I think this is an important consideration for your Captain, or the man you truly think will propose. Placing others ahead of your family is a dangerous game, but it's also an unfortunate way to make your Captain feel like he is an outsider, or not important. The book suggests

After marriage cut the apron strings and transfer your major attachment to your husband...if you don't he may end up resenting (your family)

Money and Success: I know that all of us fancy a successful man. I know that we all want him to be the best that we can be, and some of the reasons we come to RPW is to find the best way to support him, but we need to be supporting him, not our needs. Two examples are given in this chapter. One is of a woman who pushed her husband into a prestigious graduate degree. He tried to appease her, but was ultimately miserable. She was disappointed. The other example is of a man who wanted to take a risk, but he would be risking a lot. The short-term sacrifice was to move to another city and downsize from a home to an apartment. She put her foot down and said no. Both were devastating to the relationship.

”Remember: It's better to let a man have his way and fail, than to stand in his way and make him feel thwarted.”

Careers, Talents, and Activities: This is another section that brought up a lot of mixed feelings. I feel like a bad book club host! I hope you know that I am learning along the way, I am being humbled, and I am trying to keep an open mind. So here's the premise: One of the greatest threats to your Captain's position would be to earnestly pursue a career. So RPW readers, please do me and everyone else a favor, if you are a SAHM, or SAHW, or a career woman please chime in. Your perspective is really valuable. I think this is such an interesting discussion point as we can all use RPW and FW as a resource while also having a variety of life experiences.

”This is a challenging problem, but not without a solution. If you are a successful career woman, keep your priorities straight and let your husband know by words and actions that he is in the number one position. Always be willing to sacrifice something in your career for his sake, if necessary. But, even if you are not pursuing a career, if you just work outside your home, the demands on your time and energy to hold your job can cause your husband to feel less important.”

This can also be important in developing other talents. Your captain may encourage you, but if your dedication to your talent begins to overshadow your family or your captain then you must take a step back and reevaluate your motivation.

Social Media: This is not in the book! I think this is an important addition to this topic. I must confess, literally right now I'm talking to all you fine people on social media. My Captain and I notice Instagram boyfriends and we also tease people who have joint social media accounts. I don't know what the right answer is. I'm 32 years old, so I feel like I'm in it, while also being slightly behind the times. Social media can be an entirely different post topic, but please, don't make your Captain feel like your social media presence is more important than him. If he wants you to delete it, I encourage you to do so.

When A Man Comes Home

A special time to prove to a man that he is number one in your life is when he comes home from work...Such a greeting will make an amazing difference in his life, in reducing strain and bringing peace and rest. Your thoughtful consideration for his welfare will give him the impression that he is number one in his life.

Make it a pleasant time for him. Make things quiet and peaceful. If you have any problems, wait at least an hour before bringing it up. My Captain has complimented me to his friends about me being cute and comforting, and having his warm meal ready when he gets home. It's the horror of feminists but it's the easiest way to open his heart. I make sure that something needs to come to his attention that my Captain has had dinner and a pleasant conversation before I break it to him. He's more relaxed and able to handle after he has settled in.

Should he make you #1?

Short answer: No

His number one responsibility is to provide. That task may be so demanding, that it must be on the forefront of his attention.

In reality, he is putting you first. He is working for you and your children. Try to interpret his dedication to his work in this way.”

Final Thoughts

”Men are seldom driven to a mistress because of sex passions. It is usually her ability to fill an emotional need, to make him feel appreciated and important.”

Assignment:

Tell your Captain that he is the most important person in your life and then prove by your actions that this is true.

Read Chapter 7: Masculine and Feminine Roles

Discussion:

What is your biggest weakness. If your Captain thought he was number 2 to any other aspect of your life what would it be and how can your improve this?