I'll start by giving this some relative context. I'm 21, an arts student at a good college who dedicates too much time to his work and suffers loneliness, I've contemplated suicide in the past and I've hated the world and thought myself ugly. I lost my virginity 6 months ago to a prostitute, I was so deep down I even got a oneitis for her. All my life I'd been bullied kicked about and rejected I thought I didn't deserve affection or intimacy, a basic human need. Now with the knowledge I've learned after being here a total 8 months, having slept with 3 women, dated numerous, rejected numerous, and made a few new good friends, I reflect on the knowledge I've read here and the experience I've had with my new awareness of how women work, of myself and of the social order in general. I don't know who this is going to help, but I reflect so much that I may as well put some of it somewhere and maybe one person can relate, Its helping me develop a strong healthier mindset. I usually associate intimate emotions with pain, fear, guilt, anxiety, jealousy. This is the realisation I based this writing upon, that I had unhealthy emotions relating with intimate relationships.

You want a girl to fool around with, you want someone else to be silly with and let go. You want someone to contribute to your overall happiness. You want to feel wanted by one more person. You can't dedicate all this to one person. You can allow one person a slice of your cake but not the whole thing. Express this, in your free hour, your free evening, the weekend, because you like most need the affection and intimacy. There's nothing to be ashamed or repulsed about that.

But you have a general mission, not all your time can be placed on the social order. When you do give time to it, give it your all, spontaneity, freedom, uninhibited fun and sexiness. Because that time is short, it must be appreciated and shared. Fulfil the need to fun and sex then get back to work. The person will wait all week for you to come back. When you work, you work.

Who else is there to share this sort of time with? I can name a few but they aren't physically attractive enough. I want my raging boner! I want my super hard on and not everyone can fulfil that, the media has me chasing the most attractive. Should I just crave any cunt? Well this is not necessarily true. I like sexual beings dammit! Not too sexual so as to be a slut and not too asexual so as to reject her womanly truths. I like a woman to dangle herself and know it and know that I know it. I dont like a girl to sleep with every guy. I dont like a girl to hide herself physically. So I am being sexual too, I dress nice but I should exercise too, we are working on that. People express their sexuality physically. Your expressing your desire to find a mate, simply. And those with similar desires are reacting to this, the unnesexual ones have stopped. Your also expressing a demand to be taken seriously which shows dedication drive and confidence which is what all women want and what a man should be.

Energy/fitness/muscle is an expression of sexual ability and this availability. Rough, fast, long.

When you have fun with someone your really having fun with yourself. You cant love your old oneitis, look how the infatuation has changed, look how it disapeared over time, how it changes target. Its not the person it is only your lack, your rejection of your human needs. They must be fulfilled you ignore your feelings, you bottle them up and don't express them with anybody. physically or verbally. But these needs should be fulfilled by yourself first, there is no way you could put the burden on one person. Yourself first, then onto others. Family, friends.

How are you feeling? Great, simply. I'm reading a book by zoologist Desmond Morris, I did well in my class today and sparked controversial debate, I have food in the fridge, my relationship with my parents is rebonding, I pleased my mum, my dad gave me new clothes, I like my wardrobe now. My work is going as I like it. I should start painting again soon, I'm going to Paris soon, I should be doing a european study transfer, an attractive girl really likes me, I feel good in my body, my housemates are golden, my best friend is doing fine, I got a free coffee the other day from a friend at a bar. Its going so great the list is becoming mundane! The small things are enough.

Do you feel wanted? Important? Yes, somewhat, but not on an intimate level yet, you should let them please you, girls are waiting to fulfil this need for you, it is only by your permission that it can happen, allow yourself to have it. Seek it, other people do this to and will be happy to share it with you. Don't tolerate bullshit, step away from it you don't need it, your happiness is impossible to knock over. This goes for amusement and intimacy alike. But remember there is a time for this. Its called the weekend or the evening. appreciate this moment, people who dish this time out to frequently barely appreciate it, why does our generation give away so much spare time?