Inspired by Archwinger’s post (http://redditlog.com/snapshots/253433) I want to talk about the differences in what men and women value in a relationship.

There are essentially two parts to a relationship, the physical and the emotional. Archwinger mentions how women are unable to understand how withholding sex is destructive to a relationship. Essentially in a relationship, the female values emotional investment over sex and the reverse is true for males.

Looking from an evolutionary standpoint, women are the child bearers; they know that any child they birth is theirs so there is no risk of cuckoldry. However, to bear a child represents significant risk to the mother both physically and in terms of time and energy required to raise the child. This risk explains why women value emotional investment in a relationship. If a man is having sex with other women, the only risk to the woman is that there is a chance the man will not direct his resources (protection, food etc) towards her. If he is emotionally invested in her, she will continue to have access to his resources, regardless of his other sexual ventures.

From a male standpoint the opposite is true. A man has significant risk of cuckoldry and has until recently in history, been unable to be 100% certain of his own parenthood, however, they typically do not require resources from the woman beyond the ability to bear the child safely. Incidentally this is why men value physical indicators of fertility while women value status but that’s another topic.

The result of this discrepancy is that when a woman sleeps with another man, this represents a huge betrayal, considerably worse than simply an emotional attachment to another man. The emotional attachment is only a problem because it carries with it a risk that another man is sleeping with your woman.

In a modern context this is coupled with ‘female solipsism’ or as Rollo Tomassi might say ‘the inability of women to understand the male experience’. This is why women offer emotional attachment to the man while simultaneously not offering sex and then do not understand what it represents to a man. They think that the emotional attachment which they value is most important to the man; likewise this is why they can rationalise cheating if they don’t feel an emotional attachment to the man they sleep with.

To summarise – women value emotional attachment in a relationship since this means access to a man’s resources, ensuring safety for her and her children. Conversely, men value sex and exclusivity because it ensures he can pass on his genes successfully. If a woman has an emotional affair, men are less worried if sex is not involved. If a man has a sexual affair, women are less worried if he is not emotionally invested in the other woman. When women offer emotional investment without sex, they do not understand that this only serves the female mating strategy and does not align at all with the male experience.

On a basal level, this is why women are more attracted to men who push for sex sooner and do not offer emotional attachment so easily because these are attributes of a man who has many options and therefore must be high value.

TL;DR Women want emotional investment for resources, men want sex and fidelity to pass on genes, women don’t understand this differing standpoint so when they find a high value man they offer their emotional investment over sex because that’s what they want from the man.