Hi, I'll try and keep this short and sweet.
I broke up with my oneitis in August last year. Standard story - I moved across the world to be with her, she fed me loads of lies about marriage and how I was her soulmate and it turned out she was fucking other people the whole time. I was left with no self esteem whatsoever and about £20k of debt.
I moved to Australia and discovered TRP. Everything clicked and I hit the anger phase. Started smashing the gym in, with the anger as fuel.
At this point something weird happened - the anger was motivating me and I stopped giving a fuck for a short time. At this point I had girls being overtly sexual with me all over the place, sending me absolute filth but I alienated pretty much every one of my friends - there was this true hatred inside for the world and what it had done.
Fast forward to today - a year on. I'm pretty much debt free now but I'm really really unhappy, and still there's this burning rage inside. Now though I'm having no luck with women - they actually scare me. Even when they come on to me I back away - I don't want them to do what the last one did so I don't let them anywhere near. I want to get over this.
I think my internal conflict is this: 1) I'm working a job I hate to pay off the debt, I want to travel but can't. Should I follow my own mission or get this debt paid even though it's making me suicidal? 2) I absolutely hate my ex for what she did but I still love her in a weird way. Do I hate her or love her? 3) I hate women for what they are all like, but I also want to fuck them. 4) I hate myself for putting up with all the humiliation that I have in my life, but I also believe bad things will happen if I stand up for myself.
I think these questions are mulling round my subconscious every day from when I wake up to when I go to sleep, I'm constantly angry / depressed and I can't seem to shake it, no matter what external changes I do. I lift 3x a week and do BJJ twice - 90kg 15% BF.
Reading this back it looks a bit like I've just splurged the words out on the page. Hope someone has been in a similar state and can point me in the right direction.
Cheers
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