So, yesterday I went to this party of a friend of mine where I only knew one or two other guys besides him. I didn't really go out for months. I felt a bit weird all day, it was a bit of a luck game wheather I presented myself confident or not in the different situations through the day. But I guess at the core I wasn't confident. I dunno, I feel like it's already determined in the morning wheather I'm gonna have a confident day or not. And I can try to fight it, listen to motivational stuff and what not, but nothing can really convince me at that day. I'm a really really moody person, in the sense of having a different mood every day. But on the way to the party I actually felt really good, but I don't know what happened when I got there, but somehow I just forgot all basic shit I actually know when it comes to socializing. I forgot to introduce myself to the people I didn't know and instead just went with the guys I knew. Also I have the experience that if you hold eye contact a bit longer at the beginning of conversations, everything gets way easier from then on. But what is genious me gonna do? I hold eye contact for as long as if you would look at someone in the train and then I look away.. Lots of similar things like that happened later, but probably nothing interesting for you.

The problem with that was just, that eventhough everyone was friendly and I never felt excluded, I never felt like I had truely connected to anyone, the assurance of accepting the conversation partner never was there. I just wasn't in the moment and I was stuck in my head. And the weed didn't help with that..

Why do I fall into that pattern over and over again? I know all the stuff, but the moment it gets real, I just throw all the knowledge I have in the trash and lock it away. But it's also that when I'm in public I don't screen myself for my behaviour, I'm not aware, whereas when I'm alone it's the opposite.

Is it just that I don't socialize often, lack of practice or is there also something different I can do to work on that sudden knowledge loss and lack of selfawareness. Maybe I should take a look in the mirror for a minute or so and reassure myself like that. Do some of you fight with the same problem?