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SpacemanLost Archive

View 0 posts and 772 comments by SpacemanLost on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Off topic I know, but your post really sounds like you ran it through ChatGTP or something. (It has that cadence) I'm curious if you did, or maybe being subconsciously influenced by others who do.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 03:59 AM
1

She will argue for everything - her attorney will almost certainly push her to go for the maximum possible in claims, even if she isn't wanting to at first - for a leverage and power position if nothing else. Prepare for that, and make sure your attorney is prepared for it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 06:28 AM
3

Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence She could be hoping to catch something to bolster getting a restraining order against you, or even a fake DV charge. Fake charges can be used to get the upper hand in a divorce and remove you from your home. If I would have you do one thing it would be to secure all critical documents and financial records ASAP and without tipping her off, and either have copies or keep them off-site in case you suddenly find yourself barred from your o…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 06:26 AM
3

my ex believed she had claim to assets I purchased after we had divorced (and she had remarried). I have no idea where these delusional ideas about property rights come from but they seem rather common.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 03:06 AM
22

Its pretty normal for an ex wife to smear her ex as the spawn of satan to her family. It works to reinforce the perception of her as the 200% innocent victim.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 03:17 AM
2

You do need to secure any and ALL important documents - tax returns, account information, passports, car titles, medical records, kids birth certificates, and so on. You need to do this silently, and move them off-site if possible - your workplace, a friend, a storage unit. Also consider getting a po box. You would think there is no sane reason she would removed such items and deny you access, but the majority of guys that I know that have been through a divorce have been caught off guard their …
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/25 01:30 AM
2

You are wrong. Her side of the story will be at least -100% flattering towards OP, and dynamically shifting based on whatever sounds best for her situation and portrayal as the innocent victim at the moment. OP can expect to learn that their people in their/her circle of friends and even family members have heard implications or outright accusations (not substantiated or proven, and never reported to authorities) that OP has done everything from cheat on her to OP having done unspeakable bad thi…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/25 01:15 AM
2

I think he meant that she is not dumb, and unless her new guy is able to fund her the lifestyle that she believes she is deserving of .. AND she is sure he isn't going anywhere anytime soon, she is going to be super careful not to trigger the conditions that would end the sweet flow of 'money for nothing' coming in. Pretty much every divorced guy who paid alimony that I have ever known has experienced this (ex not giving it up), even if their ex has all but signed the marriage license with the n…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 05:53 PM
8

You need to go deep under cover. Do NOT tip your hand. It may be hard to act normal, but do it. Hopefully she is caught up in the affair fog and won't notice you as carefully. also: read the relevant sections to you of this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ and especially: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence Don't move cash or something she would notice until you are ready to put everything in action at once, and have an attorney advising you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/25 10:23 PM
8

From my own experience, and that of others I've seen personally, it can be mind blowing for a man after divorce to discover that his ex believes she has a right to things he creates, builds and acquires AFTER they are no longer married. That unfortunately often extends into their ex's thinking they have a right to interfere with and even dictate how they run their post-divorce lives. I would advise all men who can't get a 100% clean separation (no kids or alimony) to keep their ex's on an "infor…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 01:50 PM
9

laws governing amounts, caps and modifications vary from state to state. your attorney should be able to educate and advise you. The reality that a lot of people don't like or want to acknowledge is that it sadly is not uncommon to have a delusional and/or angry ex when it comes to money, particularly if she was relying on you to make most of the income and deal with finances paying the the bills while she did most of the spending. When that happens they will often seek modifications because the…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 01:20 PM
3

storage locker AND get a PO box. change the address on every possible piece of mail with your name on it that you might get - financial stuff like bank and credit card statements, state DOL / car tabs, mailings from your employer, etc. Once stuff gets nasty, expect any mail with your name on that she gets to first to be opened and / or never make it to you. you need an insurance policy against a bogus restraining order that would keep you away from your house
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 05:30 AM
4

hopefully that was in TX. What amazed me was her complete dismissal of the facts, such as the law or how much my salary was --- despite repeated attempts to tell her. It was "nope. I don't like how that sounds as much, so I am going to ignore reality and either the laws of physics will bend to my will, or the judge will agree 200% with me and make it so because that's what I and I always should get what I want, without pesky facts getting in the way" A couple specific example from my divorce was…
/r/MensRights16/06/25 06:58 AM
129

Sadly Typical. My ex believes to this day she is entitled to my ongoing income, and things like the house I bought a decade after our divorce, and that I've somehow screwed her out of what she believes she is rightly is owed by doing things like avoiding lifetime alimony by moving 2000 miles away from her to another state after the divorce (ignoring the fact our state didn't have lifetime or that she remarried 13 years ago), or that I used fancy lawyers to trick the courts to end child support b…
/r/MensRights14/06/25 02:37 PM
6

A quick lesson. OP. It's actually a good thing you have not been on a single date. Because I guarantee that if your STBX found out you were doing what she has been doing all along, she would attempt to weaponize it against you any way possible, and a few ways that aren't possible. Especially regarding custody of your young daughter. You can count on it somehow being twisted in court to reduce your parenting time, and despite any mandatory classes where both of you are instructed to leave your ki…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 07:41 AM
5

wait.. she is being served by email?? I thought the only way that can be done - in certain states only - is with the consent of both parties. and if she doesn't know it's coming... Taking everything you said at face value. OP, you are an idiot, and are about to lose most of the advantage you might have had in the divorce. I say that having been in your shoes years ago with a SAHM. I call you an idiot because you have not indicated that you have done ANY preparations, and I can't believe you fell…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 09:33 PM
4

It was only 3 years max in Texas back when I got divorced. I moved to WA state right after the divorce because the ''08 crash left me jobless. My ex somehow has convinced herself that she should have gotten lifetime alimony (of ~80% of my gross salary at the time divorce was initiated) because of my relocation and that I somehow cheated her out of it via dishonesty with the courts. She also is convinced that she would receive that lifetime alimony despite having remarried. The level of her greed…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 02:53 AM
3

I'm with you. And I really, REALLY hope it goes off without a hitch. In order to get my Ex to sign the termination of support papers (she had moved to a different state than where the order was and was threatening to try and get an order through that state) and avoid another trip to court (which I was ready to fight and grind her down), she insisted on meeting with me face to face one last time. I flew in for visitation with my kids, and stayed in a nearby AirBnB as I usually do, as I just pick …
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 08:09 PM
15

Does a restraining order despite living a thousand miles away and blocked on all devices now that child support has ended count as hell no?
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 02:41 PM
3

She wanted to pursue polyamory, Very much the same as my ex. Started out with "poly for me (but not for thee)" and went to lining up getting remarried about 2 weeks after the alimony ended (but not ending her poly ways). To give you some ideas how deep her delusion runs: She somehow convinced herself that I cheated her out of $7K lifetime alimony by moving to a different state AFTER the divorce (Texas was limited to 3 years at the time) and that she would continue to get that lifetime alimony ev…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 06:58 AM
13

My experiences with my ex is basically an amalgamation of all the other replies already here. I've heard it said that some women think that if they are feeling a certain way in the moment, they think to themselves "it must have actually always been this way" and rewrite their version of history to match the moment. Some would say that the AP gave them a huge dopamine rush of NRE (New Relationship Energy) which is a biological phenomenon that helps with bonding. Combine the two and they conclude …
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 04:02 AM
24

He probably still has no clue who she Really is, but I have no doubt in the future he'll find out. Who knows the stories he's been told. The narrative she set in place. This is something I've seen so, so many times - just how hard some woman will work to control the narrative about their marital relationship. The twisting of words, combining of issues, making you question your own memory, etc. And the deny, deny, deny when you question it. For much of the time it happens it's subtle, and almost …
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 03:34 AM
2

Glad to hear things are happier for you. I saw a bunch about the tour the other day , but didn't have an opportunity to get tix - too much other chaos at the moment. Will try get some when the time gets closer. Did manage to see Cigarettes after Sex with my son and his GF and 21 Pilots with my (2nd) wife - heck of a show.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:01 AM
5

Btw I suspect she got advice to move back in to bait you into an argument etc. OP - you must read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 05:59 AM
3

same happened to me. Its something I feel all young men should be educated about, as it often winds up working against them in a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 10:25 PM
2

Excellent List. I have just a couple small additions you may want to massage into your list. In living the US, read realworlddivorce.com for your state, and especially the section on the domestic violence parallel track. It'll help you know the laws in your state as they very between states. The more you know how things actually work, the better you can filter out people telling you differently. If discussing moving ahead with a divorce, she may suggest you use one (her) attorney to save on cost…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:46 AM
1

Read these: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Utah http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence Like everyone else is saying, your marriage is already over. The question is when will you realize it. If she hasn't filed and is just waiting to drop the bomb on you and get you kicked out of the house, you need to file first. either way, you need to secure access to your accounts and other important things literally as fast as possible. Stop worrying about how much you are going to have pay, becau…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 07:18 AM
17

Reminds me of my first marriage. I think my ex believed the universe would explode if she failed to criticize me at once on everything she saw me do. Thankfully, my second marriage is about as opposite to my first as possibly could be. It's not in her nature to do so. She trusts that I know what I doing and does not feel that stuff like that has to be perfect anyway. AND she knows I would shut that down so hard the moment I felt she was behaving like that ( established that from day one )
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 04:34 AM
11

I have a son. I think one of the best things we can do is educate our young men about the risks and the probabilities of the downsides of getting married. Almost NOTHING in our culture - from media such as movies, TV shows, books, even advertising to things like our institutions and what is/was traditionally told to children as they grow up... mentions the pitfalls, traps, downsides or risks that a man takes on in marriage. And especially that a shift in married behavior and held values is under…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 06:55 AM
14

Once married, people (especially women) will show their 'true colors' as they no longer have to play a role to 'land' their spouse Your spouses Happiness is NOT your responsibility. Do NOT accept any blame or other from them that implies it is. If you are no longer being respected in your relationship (for more than some minor thing) it's next to impossible recover it. Accept that this isn't the situation you want to grow old in. Once it's gone bad.. honestly bad, it's never going to get back to…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:11 AM
9

Congrats! That has to feel good. Like REAL GOOD. My ex went out and got remarried just 13 days after that last alimony check cleared to the sucke guy she had lined up months earlier. But the timing wasn't because of that at all.. oh no no no she loudly says. She also remains convinced to this day (she's told me so) however that I "cheated her out of $7000 a month a lifetime alimony" (her words, verbatim) by moving to a state that technically has it (our marriage wasn't long enough) AFTER our div…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 04:59 AM
3

Understood. Laws vary widely by location and results can vary even more by judges sometimes. I'm just saying that even after you leave her very generously set up, if she had not previously developed a good understanding of money, then there's a very good chance at some point she will decide you robbed her blind and she got shafted.. and then proceed to tell anyone she can.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:41 AM
7

Very well said. It's like there is a post-divorce playbook that gets handed out.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:34 AM
3

If she never really had to work for the money she was used to spending, expect her to have completely delusional ideas about how much alimony she will be getting, and prepare to fight hard if that (she expects the moon) is a sticking point for her. My ex was a very similar story to yours, though not as much money at stake (thanks to her out of control spending in the years prior to the divorce, we were trending down hard). She blew though the assets awarded her, including most of my retirement a…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 02:33 AM
2

Not true. Both parties can agree to a lower than guideline amount or even zero CS in Texas and if they convince the judge their alternate agreement keeps the kids ok. Saw this happen first hand in Texas in 2010. I will say that it is very very uncommon to deviate from the guidelines / formula though.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 02:31 PM
2

Absolutely wait until after she has gone back to work. And if anything I would subtly encourage it by making it seem a necessity. My experience with a SAHM, as well as others, is that being a SHAM is WAY easier that working for a living (despite all the rhetoric they will tell you that it is the hardest job in the universe), so if they see (or feel) that they have the option of quitting or not working, they very often will. If you know in your heart that the marriage is over, then you need to sp…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 01:36 AM
1

Judges also have wide latitude. There have been studies that have shown different judges having their own biases one way or the other. Any family law attorney who has been practicing for a while will get to know not the only the judges, but most of the other local family law attorneys. The knowledge of what to expect is something you need. Also, have you checked out: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ and specifically: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence You need to know not only the …
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 01:29 AM
2

You need to find a local family law attorney, preferably one with a good reputation for representing me, and find out what to expect from the courts where you live, as it can and does vary by location and even judge. You need good data on what to expect for the different options you might take. DO all this without letting your wife know, as at this point all are getting is information, but if she finds out the situation could explode.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 10:07 PM
4

Seriously. It is better for the kids to have divorced but separately involved and loving parents than to grow up watching you and your wife with this level of dysfunction, disdain and lack of respect and have them thinking the way she treats you is how marriage is supposed to be. If your wife just now spoke this out loud to you, unless she is always making noises like that, she has been thinking about this for a while and possible well into the planning phase. If so, you run a very high risk of …
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 02:17 AM
14

I still love her so much and I just want to gouge my eyes out because I just can't anymore. Keep reminding yourself that you loved (past tense) who she used to be, not the woman she is now. You may not feel that you can appreciate it today, but in time you will be glad that this ended so soon and before you had any children with her. You still have time to rebuild a new life for yourself that can include all that. Give yourself time to mourn what was lost and what will not be, but don't let it g…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 06:57 AM
19

while not always the case, it is often enough. With my first wife, after kids we had multiple dead spells that lasted over a year, with all the predictable discussions, etc. During one such I brought up that it had been 14 months without sex. Her response was almost violent that it had not been that long. Turns out we were both right - 14 months for me, much much less for her. Been divorced from her approaching 20 years now and she still will wax poetically from time to time about me, not self-a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 09:04 PM
1

I can see that different environments are more or less conducive to happiness in marriage. But it doesn't absolve either husband or wife from being responsible if they decide to cheat. My response was because it kinda felt that you were implying the cheating wife was 100% hapless victim. (My ex tried to convince me she was... multiple times)
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 03:51 PM
8

It's horrifying the stories of their past they'll tell you once they feel comfortable around you and don't have to pretend. And the thing is, all of these women seem perfectly normal. You wouldn't know about it based on how they act, but literally every women I've been in that position with, has a history like that. It makes me think it has to be the same for the ones I don't have that knowledge of as well You are SO right. Let me share a my story - grew up in a small town in the midwest, which …
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 03:40 PM
2

It was not the other man who was destroying the marriage. If the woman was not interested in getting d**ked by 'the other man' (and perhaps many more) she would have not continued to engage his verbal (or text) banter and flirting, she would not have responded positively to his flirting, she would not have sent out the signals that she was DTF, and so on. She could have shut it down any time and called the other man out as a creeper. It only happened because she was thinking it would be good (fo…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 03:14 PM
21

One thing to realize is that she doesn't think "oh, I'm going to screw him over now" but rather that she honestly believes that "I am SUPPOSED TO GET (some number larger than $2,100)" and will always believe that you are being unfair and that she is the getting screwed over by that amount" The cognitive disconnect I have seen by otherwise very smart ex wives is beyond by ability to explain.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 07:17 AM
3

There three things most men learn as boys, especially from playing sports, that run counter to the way many (most?) woman are: 1) Play Fair, and by the rules 2) Accept Losing, you can't win every game 3) There will be consequences for you actions. These 'truths of life' become ingrained into many men as part of 'growing up'. I was shocked to learn as an adult just how many "normal" women lack an understanding of those, and don't believe that any of them apply to them. Girls are raised differentl…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 03:24 PM
15

Fast forward, you’ll work like an ox, you bring home bread and money for everyone, you buy the groceries, you cook the meals, you clean the house, mow the lawn, take care of the kids, wash the car, manage finances, do the tax returns, book the next holidays and so on. I am convinced that in many relationships this is the wrong thing to do. By taking on the majority of burdens and making your wife's life "easy", (something many men feel they should do so she can focus on the kids/home) she gets u…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 02:57 PM
5

You need to surreptitiously talk to one (more) of the best (a 'shark') divorce attorneys in your area about the laws where you live (they vary a LOT - see www.realworlddivorce.com ) about options and strategies, and do it such that she does not get wind of it. The best lawyers in your jurisdiction will have better answers for you than we do here.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 05:16 PM
1

You are not the only one I am sure. It's an opportunity for second chances, freedom and to try and see all that's out there and things you may have missed.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 06:14 AM
25

You need to realize that she doesn't see things the way you do, and almost certainly doesn't think about the consequences of her actions beyond how it serves her in the moment. There are many people out there who are pointing out that in general (statistically speaking) we often shield girls from the consequences of their actions and absolve them of responsibility as they grow up while doing the opposite for boys (we train them to think about the impact of their actions, be responsible, etc). I.…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 06:09 AM
8

They all pretty much do it to make sure they are 100% the victim of a horrible person, but they tried so hard to make to work because they are such good a person who would never do anything bad. They will contact your family, your friends, and anyone they can think of. Especially if they have so many boyfriends they can't remember which one they had in your marital bed on which day.... Men are sometimes reluctant to put their side of the story out there, for rational reasons. Their STBX's are no…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/24 06:16 AM
8

You can't help someone who won't help themselves. As others here with BPD ex's, including myself, this is all too familiar. I would playing the odds to assume that she upped the crazy during the divorce process and believes she deserves a million dollars a year in alimony for life and -10% visitation for you. Keep holding true, be the best dad possible, and shut her out of your life as much as possible. Ignore the blame - they all do that, and most actually believe the untruths that come out of …
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/24 05:50 AM
5

I did remarry, but everything about it was vastly different than the stupid decision I made partially out of desperation at 23. It turned out that my ex had been cheating throughout and even before we married. I had some issues, but nothing rose to the level of hers, and I wasn't the one insisting on a one-sided open marriage "or you will never see your kids again". Marriage as institution has a number of problems in today's society - you could say it was designed for a different era doesn't fit…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 02:29 AM
5

Well written, OP. 15 years out after 18 years with her here - I wish I had the time to give you a huge brain dump about what lies ahead... the tl;dr is that you're going to be ok in the long run, but it's a crushing time you are going through right now. Lots of good advice and perspective here. Keep connected to your support network and constantly remind yourself that it's ok to focus entirely on improving yourself and your situation going forward. When she decided to throw it all away, she thre…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 02:07 AM
30

We have had several sessions with therapists and pastors. It doesn't really go anywhere. It's just talk. Two things: 1) You really, really need to read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence - your wife revealed the fact that she has nukes and is willing to use them. As a man you are at tremendous risk - I say that as someone who had a recording of his STBX attempting to extort money from me with direct threats of the same false charges. My attorney advised me that having her adm…
/r/MensRights12/03/24 02:28 PM
21

Take it from someone who was forced into opening his marriage with a metaphorical shotgun to his head - it's almost certainly going to be a disaster for the man every time.
/r/MensRights12/03/24 02:14 PM
0

Not to mention, anything she sees you spending money on she may try to use against you - no matter how ludicrous. Logic and reason certainly didn't stop my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 07:27 AM
3

Why not both? :)
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 04:42 AM
1

I've seen this complained about over the years on various forums for divorced dads. Basically the State keeps an accounting of child support payments made, and it is the -official- record when it comes to determining if someone is in arrears or not. If it does not go through the state's official mechanism, it's not counted in their accounting. And that accounting will matter when the time comes to end support payments. It's possible that the receiver may be forthright and honest about monies pai…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 04:39 AM
3

Ok, you are not divorced yet. Do you have an attorney? If so, I'd ask them about the best way to handle this. In the mean time, look at your state's child support guidelines to calculate how much you will likely be paying once the divorce is final. For North Carolina, you can find it at https://ncchildsupport.ncdhhs.gov/ecoa/cseGuideLines.htm Give her this amount, and nothing more. And close the joint account now. At some point you might find it suddenly 'cleaned out' overnight. Once you are div…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 02:35 AM
7

I limited contact with her as much as possible, literally living in a different state from her, but understand that episode was 14 years ago and she had primary custody of my two very young kids. Because I wouldnt engage her on anything if it wasn't about our kids, she restricted access to them and used that to try get at me. I have spreadsheet logs of every call I made, and time she lied and said "they don't want to talk to you/they are not here", and every other bit of crap she pulled. And not…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 04:27 PM
28

My ex has/had similar delusions. Other than working for a her parents a bit in the early years, she was a stay at home wife, then mother. A lot I could say about how she drove us from well established to deep into debt over just a few years with refusing to control her spending ($5 to $10K per month on her credit cards) and even physically attacking me when I tried to put a stop to it, but the fun stuff was right after the divorce. As part of the settlement, I provided the down payments on her n…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 08:19 AM
3

If you are not on the hook for lifetime alimony, you will almost certainly come out ahead in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 07:58 AM
11

What's crazy is that I've seen this over and over, even when the ex wife already has a new guy or even remarried. 15 years on and my adult son is moving cross country to live with me. I try to arrange for him to travel by himself. She twists his arm and forces him to roadtrip 1700 miles with her. Skipping a lot of other details, she gets close and is expecting me to first have dinner with her and her new hubby (i.e. dictate to me all the rules for my son living with me), the she will come to our…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 10:28 PM
5

Have you safeguarded everything you care about not losing ( stolen or destroyed ) and all important papers and documents ( especially financial or legal )? Have you changed all account passwords, locks to your home and keycodes like for garage door openers? prepare for her to go crazy with rage and hopefully it doesn't happen, but don't do it the other way around.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 01:17 AM
1

I don't know if I skeptical per se, but rather I was a combination of ignorant and assuming that it didn't apply to my life. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex wife and the nuclear divorce I went through for not accepting her affairs and providing a carefree and opulent lifestyle to support them over 15+ years ago left me near destitute, friendless and had my eyes forcefully opened WIDE. The suffering I experienced was comprehensive, and included repeated physical assault and a bullet di…
/r/MensRights12/02/24 06:50 AM
38

Fortunately, it's illegal to discriminate against a race or gender, A LOT of people believe that doesn't apply if you are discriminating against white males. You know, because the patriarchy hands them positions of power, privileged and money just because they are while males and nothing else.
/r/MensRights12/02/24 06:44 AM
19

My Brother. For a position as an orchestra conductor. Music, especially conducting is a whole lot like academia - you spend your entire adult life 'climbing the ladder' which involves doing things to get funding and get noticed, building relationships and connections and reputations that may not pay off until decades later. And maybe, just maybe if breaks go your way, you will wind up conducting a big city orchestra. He was up for a position as conductor for a mid sized orchestra, and he had fri…
/r/MensRights12/02/24 06:42 AM
36

Sounds like University of Washington. Or a lot of places actually. https://www.ceousa.org/2023/12/08/no-white-faculty-allowed/ https://www.thecollegefix.com/white-males-need-not-apply-universities-continue-hire-faculty-meet-diversity-quotas/
/r/MensRights12/02/24 06:31 AM
2

If I only had 100 upvotes to give...
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 01:12 AM
7

Thirding this - the end of relationship stuff you described just screams to me 'I haven't 100% secured who/what situation I am going to monkey branch to yet'
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 01:09 AM
5

Only IF your ex is willing to limit things to just the kids, for their benefit. 15+ years on my ex still thinks she has a right to meddle in and control every aspect of my life and relationships, using my kids to do if needed, despite being 2000 miles away and blocked in every way possible.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 01:07 AM
18

Seen this happen over and over again. The thing you need to understand and embrace is that she is mentally processing this in a way that you just will never fully understand and is light years away from how most men view and act. And that way involves wild emotion swings, rewriting relationship history on a dime - repeatedly, getting drunk and high on dopamine hits from attention and new partners, and warping reality to never be at fault - ever. You can't change it, and usually not even predict …
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 01:02 AM
3

Funny enough, I was up late with my mother (married 57 years) talking about everything under the sun for hours, and we talked about what it was like dating in her day vs my day vs her grandchildren's (today). She had come really good observations, having lived though things like the introduction of hormonal birth control and the civil rights and equal rights movements. Two things she commented on were having to be realistic with your options and your expectations of what life could be. She came …
/r/MensRights11/02/24 10:11 PM
6

We will have cheap, safe nuclear fusion first....
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 01:48 PM
14

No. She still expects me to apologize ( in the form of large quantities of money ) all these years later for not welcoming in all of her affair partners and making life difficult for her. Not joking.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 12:50 PM
3

See: https://www.irs.gov/filing/filing-status Married or Single depends on your marital status on the last day of the year. Note that Legally Separated let's you file as single. You separated, but is it considered a legal separation? If so, file single. otherwise, you can't. As to Married filing Jointly vs Married filing Separately, the tax bill is almost always lower filing jointly.. Married filing Separately was created for some specific, very uncommon situations. Any Tax software, or accounta…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 04:33 PM
10

Similar story here. Ex was a SAHM but I did the vast majority of chores and cleaning. As for cooking she did sometimes, but I sure did get a ton of calls asking me to pick up food from a restaurant on the way home. After we separated, that part of life got a lot easier for me.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 03:19 PM
8

All the time. It's whatever she thinks best serves her in the moment. Realize that this is a fundamentally different way of looking at things and managing "facts" than you (and most men) have. She will apply to other things as needed whenever those things get 'uncomfortable' for her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 08:23 PM
10

Adding up Alimony, Child Support, and money spent on visitation (I had to move away for work due to the '08 crash) .. roughly $750K for those direct expenses. Add in another $200k-$400k for other expenses and ignore some serious opportunity cost loses by spending over 8 years with a negative net worth.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/24 05:21 AM
3

Its a partially my fault for marrying her and not getting out when I first knew I should have. I Waited and then tried to stick it out for my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 07:08 AM
3

If you STBX is anything like my ex, her getting even the slightest inkling that your situation has improved post divorce will have her wanting a piece of it, even if it is imaginary. One advantage of paying the Texas Guidelines Cap on CS is that it removes any reason for her to hold a modification hearing while you are paying that, and as a result you don't have to turn over any financial information or tax returns to her. I paid max guidelines, or OVER max (for first 3 years) for 15 years as pa…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 06:38 AM
12

I think nearly all of them think like that, including a level of dreaming/delusion as to what they will be rewarded with by courts for their 'support efforts' ("I freed up more time for him to work on his career by sleeping with everyone but him...") 15 years after divorcing her SAHM cheating ass that spent us deep into debt, my ex still takes credit for any of my career accomplishments (all of which were achieved in spite of her) including everything that came after kicking her to the curb.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 04:39 AM
3

It's worth noting that what YOU search for is not the same as what the major search engines actually use in return you results. There are algorithms and provable preferences at work behind the scenes.
/r/MensRights28/12/23 12:49 AM
5

There's a point where you would think they -finally- get it... but apparently that's optional. Sometimes the state agency would take an extra day or two to get the child support, which came out of my paycheck directly like clockwork, processed and into her bank account. She would blow up my phone screaming about it every. single. time. As if I could do anything at all about it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 06:44 PM
10

No, Texas.. (which I guess -some- people don't consider part of the USA... )
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 04:24 AM
5

SHAMs have the greatest PR agency ever when it comes to 'how hard' their lives are compared to the providers.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 03:28 AM
13

And the IRS don't give no shi*ts about her whining and claiming victim. My ex learned this the hard way, when the $5K a month in alimony and support I was forking over wasn't enough to support her 'lifestyle' (that had put us in deep debt) - despite her only post-divorce fixed bills being a car payment AND mortgage payment, which totaled only $1300 a month. She ran up her credit card to the limit (which had been reset to 0 as part of the divorce settlement) and depleted all of my retirement acco…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 03:21 AM
1

Depends on your reading preferences. The backstory behind my comment above is a bit convoluted, but I'll give it a shot. Bear with me. Some time in the aftermath of my own scorched earth divorce, looking for something to read I searched for stories where the cheating wife gets her comeuppance and then some. That led me to a popular site for spicy stories where I discovered there is a whole sub-genre called BTB (Burn the Bit@@), and a surprisingly large number of authors, some of whom are really …
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 12:27 AM
1

Have you read February Sucks?
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 03:28 AM
2

I believe in Massachusetts they can get away with that until the child turns 26.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 04:47 AM
1

She just got a job making more money than me, but won't hand over her pay check to her lawyer for the new child support calculator. Ask your attorney if you can subpoena her new employer for a copy of her paycheck, and any offer letter / bonus plan / employment contract / etc. If you think she is getting money from parents or a boyfriend, I'd also see if you subpoena her most recent bank statements. Also, if you suspect she has loans or credit cards you don't know about, you probably have enough…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/23 06:43 AM
10

My ex's MO was "if the universe doesn't work the way she wishes it did, make the lives of everyone around her miserable by nagging me to change the laws of physics and alter reality, and refuse to listen to reason." See also: Entitlement without responsibility.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 05:02 PM
1

Nice. I should be getting a clearance in the next year, which should open a few more doors for me in the future if I choose. This is probably peak career for me, it seems unfathomable to be able to get even higher and it could also end at a moments notice since I am basically a contractor. and that's a good way to view the situation. I was in a semi name-your-price situation back in 2015 when being converted from contractor to FTE due to the 18 month time out, and I did. I remember the HR' lady'…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/23 05:55 AM
3

LOL!!
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 11:03 PM
3

Good on you. I think we would see eye to eye at any dinner table conversation. I'd be curious to hear what kind of move you made to get a 60% bump in the current economy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 10:24 PM
23

The best revenge is living your best life after someone else pushed you to rock bottom. Take all the upvotes. This is the TRUTH.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 09:04 PM
13

Women are rarely able to ever 'do better' after divorce. But OMG are the convinced they will do better, and will crow about it to your face... She used yell at me "I can get a guy who makes twice what you make just like (snaps fingers)" and other derogatory things about my providing (I was making 6-figures at the time, ~20 years ago). After slutting around to the max, she had a former HS classmate lined up as hubby #2 for when the alimony stopped. I heard a few years that his income finally hit …
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 09:01 PM
1

During separation also don't forget to 10) Secure your finances, documents and important possessions if you haven't already as part of preparing for the actual divorce. You never know what your STBX will do in a fit of unexplained anger. Make sure your accounts and other assets can't be accessed without you knowing and cleaned out. Stuff like your tax returns, legal agreements, credit card statements, social security card, birth certificate and passport might suddenly 'turn up missing' at a mome…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/23 12:41 AM
7

When it comes to articles like these (or all articles really) it's always important to take note of three things: 1) The slant or message the author wants to get across. It's rare to find any writing that investigates any situation without one. 2) The target audience of the article. In this case, it's not the people subscribed to this sub. 3) If discussion of an article is moderated (This one is). If so, then comments and discussion is usually filtered in service of points #1 and #2.
/r/MensRights25/11/23 07:32 PM
38

Late 50s guy who got divorced in my early 40s after 16 years married, 2 kids here. Absolutely glad I divorced, though it set my retirement back a solid 20 years, and had alimony and child support for almost 15 years. Wish I could sit you down for 20-30 minutes and give you a big brain dump, but I'll have to settle for highlights in a post here. Barring additional details. such as you living in a state like CA where she would get lifetime alimony, and taking just what you posted at face value -- …
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/23 04:03 AM
4

Cowboys and Lions fans have entered the chat.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 02:37 AM
15

there is a video .. i need to go find it.. that delves into the inner workings of tinder. tl;dr - you are not wrong. lots of psychological manipulation is going on to maximize monitization.
/r/MensRights07/11/23 10:04 PM
-4

portable camera like a Trailcam then. sneak over 30 min early, set it up to watch your car, retrieve 15 min after she thinks you left. If you caught some video of tampering it might be useful- ask your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/23 05:21 AM
3

I wouldn't expect this to stop her. How was she able to get access to your car? I am thinking if I was in your shoes I would get and hide cameras that gave me coverage of my car and residence for when she tries her next stunt - wouldn't be shocked if next time was a break-in why you are at work.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/23 05:12 AM
3

What are the chances that a woman you live with for YEARS would get every single international crisis WRONG. It's impossible by random chance right? They are greater than zero. My ex was like yours in much of the way you just described. I think what you described is due to a combination of socialization, culture and even biology. But before going there, we do need a '"Not all Women" and "Also some men" disclaimer on it. This is a 'take a huge sample population and put them in a distribution and …
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 05:38 PM
3

My only regret... that I didn't end it sooner. Things begin getting better for me literally as soon as I moved out / separated.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 06:15 AM
12

Just wait... until 10-15 years later if you happen to have young kids together. Remember all those rants about "I could find a guy who makes twice as much as you just by snapping my fingers" ? Remember all the bragging she did about 'Mr. Wonderful' who is 'her soul mate' and 'luv of me life'.. i.e. the guy whom she had on the back burner while she spending all the alimony slutting around on your dime and then stepped up to wife her up a couple weeks after that last alimony check cleared? I.e. th…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/23 01:37 AM
2

A BIG reason for a lot of people actually. If you are under retirement age, and make even a modest amount of money and don't have employer provided insurance, you may be looking at obscene prices for ACA plans depending on pre-existing conditions, location and other factors. Health Insurance in the USA is up there with feminist run family courts in the race for corrupt extractors of wealth.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/23 11:35 PM
6

I don't have time for the long version, but you need to treat the situation expecting that she will launch a surprise attack on you in the near future. She may seem like she just want to hop in a car and drive away, but there will be a moment when she realizes she can come back for "what she deserves". If that doesn't come to pass, great, but you do not want to caught with your proverbial pants down without access to funds and documents, etc. Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ Especiall…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:53 AM
10

She has a huge, deep need to control the narrative. women seem to be far, far more concerned with how other people perceive them. Explanations for that include both socialization and biological differences. But what you need to understand is that if possible she will paint you to everyone including your own family as 110% the bad guy and her the innocent victim who was fooled her entire life by the monster you are. To that end, she will also attempt to manipulate you into not telling people or a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:43 AM
5

Young, dumb, full of self loathing, lonely and afraid that I couldn't do any better so I took the first person who would have me. She wasn't even beautiful, certainly less on the inside though it was well-hidden at first. At that time, people didn't diagnose for things like ADHD and being 'on the spectrum' which I was (far less now). Nor was there any good info on relationships or what a healthy one was back then (pre-internet days)
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/23 06:21 PM
2

It's not easy to talk about the positives I've had here without getting majorly downvoted. There's a lot of very valid pain in this sub. Marriage IS very risky for men today, and dating is a minefield, but it doesn't men every guy should take themselves out of the game, or that we should see ourselves as blameless and without need to improve. I've had to own the fact that I chose to marry my ex even though I knew It wasn't a good idea out of thinking I could not do better, and the myriad of thin…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/23 06:18 PM
1

We got married 6 1/2 years after dating, 2.5 years of living together. Did a ridiculous amount of vetting. I honestly was 99.8% sure by the 4-year mark, but kept to my word and didn't start discussing it until the 5-year mark (and she refrained from bringing it up all the time). We have a pre-nup, she was totally ok with it. Our values align - some would call her RP'd. One of my requirements before moving in together was that she had to be able to afford to totally live on her own. We're both in…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 09:19 PM
1

Thanks for compliments! All I could suggest with your newest relationship is take your time which it sounds like you are already doing. As to 'Is this a rebound?' there's no set formula of 'gotta wait X days' or such - you just gotta be brutally honest with yourself and willing to move eventually if it is, instead of going 'welp, this is probably the best I'll ever do, guess I'm stuck with it'. Only you can answer that for yourself. I'm wishing you the best - most of us really do get better and …
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 05:56 AM
1

I certainly wish the best outcome for you. I should have added that I wasn't saying you should -never- date in the first year as a divorced guy, but omitted that to focus on answering the question you posed. The important things to me are getting clear of the wrecking of the previous marriage, making version 2.0 of you better, and having your eyes wide open as to how dating and intersexual dynamic work and the strength and trust in yourself to not compromise you in the future. A LOT of newly fre…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 05:49 AM
17

To avoid rebounding into a relationship and commitments they shouldn't get into, and the fact that most men, unlike most women, can not easily have a 'hoe phase'. ( Forgive the long length of this comment - the topic is one that kinda triggers me as I've seen guy after guy jump right back into a relationship or marriage too soon and get burned a second (or third) time ) Many men, at the time of their divorce, have been through years of misery - disrespect, feeling unwanted and even hated, dead b…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/23 06:48 PM
2

It may have been felony blackmail, but it was clear there was little to zero chance of her suffering -any- consequences from pursuing it.. which is unfortunately true of most lies and false allegations made against men in family courts. I know my attorney was excellent, as my ex wife only has ever referred to her as "that witch" or other equally derogatory terms. :) I was 'officially' living in one of the smallest counties in Texas at the time of my divorce (though I was separated and had an apa…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/23 03:54 AM
3

My attorney was excellent. She was just pointing out the facts of things would play out. The problem was that law enforcement wasn't going to do anything with my recorded call - there's nothing legally actionable when she can claim "I was just kidding/mad at him". Not only is there technically no crime committed (problem in itself), the police don't want to get involved domestic shouting matches. The other problem is that SOP of law enforcement in the case of a Very Very Bad accusation(tm) being…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/23 12:19 AM
15

I've got my own recordings of my ex from during the run up to and during our divorce. Thankfully at the time there was an app on my phone (Palm OS) that cleanly recorded the calls and saved them to the SD card named with the time and date. 2 or three of them were damning doozies, but one stands out above all the rest. I'm sure I described it in past comments, but the tl;dr was her going off on a Bond Villain style monologue, describing and listing in detail all of the people she would get to say…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 05:31 PM
7

Been down this exact road. If you don't tell them, she will spin a long complex narrative to convince everyone that she was pure as the driven snow and it was all your fault. Do you have 100% proof to keep in your back pocket? She will deny, deny, deny. The longer you don't stand up for yourself and tell the truth, the more likely you will NEVER be believed.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/23 04:48 PM
9

I did tell her 'not interested in hearing it' but like much of our marriage that didn't phase her believes that she rules the world. She liked to ambush me while I was waiting to pick up my kids for visitation. When she would do this, I wouldn't say anything and would distract myself by imagining very bad things(tm) happening to her. Once the kids had their own means of contacting me, I would hang up on her on the phone. I would try to avoid meeting her during visitation, not always successful. …
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 09:12 PM
26

Over the years since my divorce, my ex - whom I had to deal with due to our kids and custody - would go through different phases of rewriting the past and our years together. At first, when she was getting alimony and things hadn't fallen apart with her 'new' house and car that I had paid for, and she hadn't depleted the retirement account, she was a 'strong, independent woman' who was 'living her best life' (i.e. dropping the kids off with grandma and taking off to be with play partner of the w…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 04:31 PM
0

I had the opposite. In my early 40s I divorced someone I knew wasn't the love of my life when I married her (I was young, stupid, and mentally messed up). It was a nasty divorce to say the least, and I still post sometimes regarding the trauma it caused. I then dated for a couple years with great success, and to my surprise I met my now current wife who is without question the 'love of my life'. She was in many, many way the metaphorical 'younger sister' of 'the one the got away' (and left me wi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 07:12 PM
2

While true they are more dominant in those areas, especially HR, they typically are less than 50% of total corporate staff. Going by what I am seeing in my professional circles, hearing from friends and colleagues and looking at things like my connections on LinkedIn, in terms of total numbers I am seeing far more men laid off than women. No disrespect to either gender as losing ones job usually sucks and puts the family in stress. But I'll stand by my assertion that 70% figure being used is ina…
/r/MensRights08/10/23 12:42 AM
5

I do not believe the '70% of layoffs are women" figure - no idea where someone pulled that out of their ass. Managers in many, MANY companies, especially publicly traded ones, have to report the diversity in their departments, and the companies themselves often issue "diversity and inclusion reports" to the public. A REQUIREMENT for companies to be listed on NASDAQ is to report the diversity statistics of the board of directors. The SEC is working to make diversity reporting a requirement for al…
/r/MensRights07/10/23 07:52 PM
12

No. Blackmail will backfire on you in multiple ways. ALSO: SHUT UP - Don't tell her. Just making threats or blufs, while it will feel good in the moment, will totally give away whatever leverage you would have. She'll immediately begin to cover her tracks and hide any and all money, and call any bluff you make. Do you have a divorce attorney yet? If not you must get one ASAP. Share this with your attorney, and after consultation with them go ahead and report it to the appropriate law enforcement…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 03:21 PM
7

She would look at her richest friends (not her poorest ones) and blame me for not giving her the same lifestyle. This is something our sons needs to be made aware of. In my 20s I joined a startup company along with a bunch of other guys in the same age range. the company grew and did well and was eventually bought out. my coworkers by and large prospered, got married and had kids on mostly similar schedules, especially once their equity was worth something. A few guys left and took their shot at…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 03:40 AM
1

I wasn't actually commenting on unfairness in the division of assets - I don't always take the husband's side just because he's the guy - I'm am pretty big on fairness and neither gender has a monopoly on shitty behavior. What I primarily commented on was the lack of awareness of how actions are going to be interpreted by the courts and the law. There's a lot of clear cut rules when it comes to divorce (some of which vary by location). Hearing and seeing someone not only do something out of spit…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 04:28 AM
6

What amazes me is how often this happens (many of my peers got divorced in the past 15+ years, I'm in an industry + demographic that creates conditions favorable for SAHMs who then get 'bored' and 'unhappy') and that in every single case related to me, their ex/STBX was thinking they would stick the entire bill on the guy. Not a one of them seemed to know, or wanted to investigate "the rules" the legal process of divorce in their area. Of maybe they did know they thought they could get away with…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/23 05:43 PM
3

She is waaaaay ahead of you at this point in time. Everything you are feeling and doing is a reaction to things she already processed and planned months ago. I hate to say it, but you need to shift into wartime mode. this is your personal 9/11, and you have your kids to protect. You have to accept that the person you married IS GONE and that she is no longer the person who loved you and vowed to spend their life with you. And there is no "Undo" button on this. Get they to the best divorce attorn…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 10:49 PM
9

they must all buy their logic from the same place...
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 12:37 AM
7

mine just used the threat of false charges to try and extort me.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 12:36 AM
5

yup. they all do it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 12:35 AM
4

The times I've seen this situation dynamic (and I lived it myself) - the real truth is that you can NEVER do a good enough job. If you do everything right, the goalposts will be moved and there will be some things you were supposed to "just know" to do that was never actually communicated. The truth is, that behavior pattern is a power play to keep you off balance and always trying to catch up / appease her / make up for perceived failings that you agreed to in an attempt to keep the peace or ma…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 02:55 AM
2

Have you asked your attorney if it would be worth it? They might tell you to just hang on to it until something else drags you back into court, when you could just 'tack it on'
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 12:51 AM
2

In fact, one comment was something like, "If it's so important, and he doesn't get it, what's he going to do? Cheat?" The current cultural zeitgeist suggests that "ok for her, a no-no for him"....
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 06:24 PM
18

After my divorce, I instituted a hard rule to protect myself from getting into a rebound relationship like I had seen my brother and other men do. Simply put, I told every woman I dated I had a rule: 5 years before the topic is even up for discussion. I would present it a bit more softly and sugar coated.. something like: "Look, I recently got out of a 15 year marriage that ended by going nuclear. Part of that is on me as I got married after only knowing her for 18 months. I made a vow to myself…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 07:48 PM
3

For almost 15 years, my ex continued to try and interject herself into my life and my business in every way possible given I lived in a different state and grey rocked and kept her on an information diet, along with alienating my children from me and teaching them to distrust and disrespect me. She's also still on the warpath about my second wife, and ANY success that I have achieved since leaving her (though she tries to take credit for much of it. BPD/NPD for the win) In the intervening years,…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 05:33 AM
2

Man 20 years older than you OP and in addition to a lot of good advice others are giving you, if there is one thing I would want you to understand above all else it's this: You are now playing the long game. You STBXW is all short-term, not thinking beyond next quarter's earnings report (despite any proclamations to the contrary from her - they all do that). Be the very best dad you can be for you kids, but also the 'Ice King' to your ex. When things don't turn out as wonderful as she is current…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 09:10 PM
13

Had a friend who had this happen to him. She actually wasn't pregnant, she just wanted him back (to serve as an ATM and punching bag IMHO). Truth came out a couple months later when he insisted on going with her to the prenatal doctor appointments.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 03:33 AM
1

They all know what are politically correct and incorrect answers. Have you ever met a woman who wasn't allergic to looking like the 'bad person', deserved or not?
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 05:20 PM
5

I've had those nightmares also, but thankfully not in the last couple years. More than once the nightmare included my exhausting my amm* (yes, what you would think someone would use in personal self defense), and she's still coming at me like a f***ng terminator while declaring that 'she still loves me' . she has made such a declaration in FRONT OF her current husband and my kids, most recently when I was trying to get her to sign off on the end of child support - my kids both were wishing they …
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/23 12:04 AM
2

The problem is that for a "for cause" divorce, you then have to prove it to the satisfaction of the courts. If you saw your STBXW making out and getting groped with her top off with her boss, but didn't get pictures or video ... then she can claim it didn't happen and bam.. you are stuck.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 08:25 PM
9

My cheating SAHM ex has an incredible sense of entitlement, and has decided in her own mind that she was entitled to much more than she got. Apparently, this is NOT uncommon. Years after we divorced and she had re-married (2 weeks after her last alimony check cleared) I was picking up my kids for visitation. She came outside while I was waiting for the kids and attempted to talk about something about the kids. My responses were the most bland and banal possible. Out of nowhere she then went off …
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 07:33 AM
3

(fu*k reddit's auto formatting of numbered lists and markdown using every symbol) Q #1. Not applicable to me Q #2. Far far, worse. Having a SAHMs (not STHM) spouse is super tricky to do successfully in the long term. Major risks include, but by no means are limited to: you becoming less important to her than the kids, the dog, the house, etc. your spouse have no appreciation for the sacrifices needed to bring in the money, especially if they never worked a demanding full-time job The time you sp…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/23 06:33 PM
0

lock down your amex that she has or any other cards and accounts she has access to. my non-working ex tried to run up my cards and pull cash advances just before we went to court. EDIT: if you're going to downvote me into negatives, I'm curious as to WHY you think this is bad advice or off-topic for someone who recently served their STBX. Serious. and by 'lock down', amex will let you as the primary card holder put a spending limit on each card.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/23 06:25 PM
28

Something related I've heard said by more than one person in my ex-wife's circle of SAHMs: "When the kids are (finally) out of the house, I get to retire". The less/unspoken part about that the husband gets to keep working for the next 20 or so years paying for everything. This was the assertion of (her) belief that raising the kids, WITH help from her husband during all that time in -addition- his to working a job that pays for everything.. that her 18-25 years of being a homemaker was of great…
/r/MensRights23/07/23 05:23 PM
10

Saw a lot of this when our kids were young. The other thing that happened a lot was that the kids were elevated above the husband in importance and justification for bad or non-supportive behaviors (like out of control spending). Demoting your life partner to household servant and money source is three quarters of the way to losing all respect for them.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 05:59 PM
1

Of those that don't divorce, I would suspect that they have a higher percentage of being very happy and healthy than first marriages. A lot of people learn and grow, and make version 2.0 an improvement on the initial release.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 05:55 PM
1

Don't need it. In addition to the cheating she revealed and all the recordings of our phone calls from our separation and divorce, I got a hold of a bunch of her instant messenger logs from years earlier nd a year's worth of her emails when she synced her phone to the kids computer. I have a pretty good understanding of what parts of the marriage and relationship that I didn't do well enough/failed/whatever, and yes I share a lot of culpability. We shouldn't have gotten married in the first plac…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 05:51 PM
7

There was. She and her new hubby had their share of financial problems and actually had to face them - Dave Ramsey course and all that. Eventually they got on their feet - understand she had my kids so I didn't want them impacted. She would shift as many of their expenses as possible on to me using all the classic methods. I had to keep her on information blackout along with misinformation as to how I was doing, lest she hear about any positive developments in my life and decide that those right…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 01:20 AM
4

My wife thinks my ex has,, what she calls, adult onset autism lol. hadn't heard that before. For the longest time when I was young, I thought that everyone, including all women, could see the world rationally and honestly. What I didn't understand was how a person can get so wrapped up in their own narcissism about what they wish was true - labeled to everyone else as "what is only fair" - that they can't afford to ever admit - even to themselves - that any part of it, no matter how small, was w…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/23 01:12 AM
6

The thing that gets me, and how so many men here encountered the exact same, is the level of delusion they have about how money, the law, and the world works, and how they will double down trying to move heaven and earth to make reality fit their delusions. I really think there's a common mental illness component to it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 11:02 PM
7

The total I just posted here was ~$750K, but it was composed of several factors and spread out over 14 years ('08-'22). So about $53K a year average, though it was higher in the beginning. Alimony+CS was over $5K a month the first few years, and there was 6-figures of debt assigned to me (she had $0 assigned to her), along with her getting about 70% of my retirement accounts - It was however my plan to front-load the settlement and make it so she could not drag me back into court for more. I was…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 10:58 PM
5

Child Support, Alimony, Legal Bills and Debt (and the interest on it) due to her out of control spending that was assigned to me? about $750K after tax dollars over 14 years.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 10:44 PM
6

Happened to me. Came up in conversation 10 years after our divorce, and she implied it was behind problems throughout our entire marriage. Pretty convenient if you ask me - she holds it up as the "see, not my fault" card and I have to ask... WHY THE F*Ck DIDN'T SHE TELL ME ANY OF THAT DURING THE 18 YEARS PRIOR TO OUR DIVORCE???!?!?! It certainly was NOT for ANY lack of my trying and pleading and asking on my part to figure out what was wrong so we could try and fix things... I think she forgets …
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 01:36 AM
7

There's always exceptions, statistics being what they are, but in general this outcome is true for the majority of women who divorce during or after their late 20s, or have kids. What you, as her ex, should expect to hear from her - directly or indirectly - is just how much better some new guy is for her ... her 'soulmate' .. (despite her having called you that in the beginning). Just ignore it. There's usually going to be a desperate neurotic need to save face and promote the narrative of a bet…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/23 04:05 PM
4

My advice? When focusing on yourself, be as open as possible to exploring and acknowledging the things you did wrong, or could do better/change. It's human nature to take the easy way out - which is to put all the blame on the other person - because that causes you the least amount of mental stress as opposed as to taking all the blame. We all see ourselves as the protagonist in our own life's story, and we aren't really taught to take hard looks at ourselves, especially if we find something we …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 10:46 PM
9

Quick Answers: 1) Maybe, but only under the right conditions, 2) no, 3) if it comes to it, then it so be it. Long answers: step 1 - make your health and physical condition an ongoing focus going forward. More years on this earth that you get to enjoy. step 2 - go ahead and get the divorce rolling here in the USA if possible - I have no idea how it works with international situations like yours, but if you can dis-entangle yourself legally and financially from her, at least as far as the country …
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 10:10 PM
3

It amazed me how my ex had such strong beliefs that child support and spousal support (I was DFW also) should continue on forever (and increase with time) even after the kids left home.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 03:08 PM
7

Not trying to pull in anything from those controversial subs, but it's a basic truth that it's a lot easier for her to go out and find new dudes for hookups and casual fun than it is for the majority of guys. The younger (especially if under 35) and prettier she is, the easier for her. It doesn't work exactly the same way for guys, though it usually gets much better towards middle age. This has been documented to death elsewhere. What's important to realize is that she's going all in on short-te…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/23 10:33 PM
5

I would add another items to the "do this immediately" list: Secure the originals, or at least copies of, all important documents and items that you would not want to lose. Things like bank records, account statements and records, your mortgage records, passports, birth certificates, medical records, titles (car, boat). Secure and remove any personal effects and possessions that matter to you. My ex wife took and hid my high school yearbooks, and the 1876 Silver Dollar my Grandfather gave me - I…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/23 06:58 PM
2

Get angry and push back against all of her demands. My ex was, and still is, similarly delusional when it comes to money and how much is owed her. At various points post divorce she's made statements to various people (including my kids) giving specific amounts she thinks she was actually due; amounts which usually were usually well in excess of my total gross income. She hasn't worked in over 30 years. Remarried less than 2 weeks after the last alimony check cleared.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/23 06:46 PM
2

It's been 15 years and I still don't know everything my ex did while we were married - though I do know more than she thinks I did, thanks to some info coming out later. It hurts, and I still have moments of anger all these years late when something reminds me of how I got used and played and how little she thought of me and what she was willing to do. At some point though, you gotta accept that for your sake (not hers) that you're going to work on dealing with it. That doesn't mean forgiving or…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/23 01:36 AM
2

Ok, you're well into the Divorce process now, and I can assume you have safeguarded important things, and she's past the point where it would help her to make false charges against you (but don't give her the chance to anyway until the ink is dry on the decree). An analogy I like to use - getting divorced is like being in a plane crash on a mountain side. You survived, but you are dazed and weak, and there is burning wreckage all around, and you're not 100% sure what even happened. Now you will …
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/23 01:31 AM
1

ask you attorney about the VAR. it may still be om to keep it on you all the time to protect against false allegations.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/23 03:54 PM
14

I've seen plenty of women hit with the 'Martian Slut Ray', but the ' Competent Adult Ray' is a new one to me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/23 08:16 PM
6

It first I thought it was her discovering that she was "Polyamorious" and "a switch". It turns out she was those things the entire time I knew her.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/23 08:13 PM
1

Besides adding another in an endless line of first hand experiences where a woman can lie to the courts without consequence while you face ruin and even jail time... ... This is something that we.. the collective "we".. need to publicize at every opportunity. Fellow men, and especially our sons, need to know they are facing a very rigged game if they get married, and have an idea of just how bad and damaging it can get for them. Many will still go ahead and get married, but some won't, and socie…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 10:42 PM
15

After my divorce, I made a hard and fast rule - "5 years knowing you before discussion of marriage is even on the table" (insist on pushing it, and she gets nexted). I made this known as soon as I would get into the "get to know you more" phase of every woman I dated, so we wouldn't waste time. It sent more than one who was surely 'husband hunting' (or attempting to 'call my bluff' - after the horrors of my ex, I NEVER bluff) scurrying away. In the end, i found someone worth it who was willing t…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 09:37 AM
4

Don't let yourself be 100% sure - My SAHM ex-wife managed to find time and ways to have multiple affair partners while we had 2 small kids. You got a battle ahead. Prepare carefully.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/23 12:29 AM
2

When the kids are that young, sadly true no contact is not an option. Hopefully his ex will stick to only discussing kid related matters and they both can keep moving on in regards to the other parts of their lives.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 05:15 AM
4

I can certainly relate. Child support ended a year ago for me, but there is my kids college/vocational training still to pay for, and of course my ex has contributed $0 and $0 despite my attempts to get a portion of the CS set aside in 509s, etc. She's told the kids repeatedly of course that I would pay for it because I supposedly am loaded. I exited my divorce $100k in debt and with almost no assets except a car (the house was sold as the market was crashing, and I had drained the equity just t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 04:37 AM
2

It is just about the way they feel and not what is real. See my comment above for another example of delusional ex thinking. I also watched her spend the lions share of our accumulated assets (rather quickly) and later had a reduction in support when she was expecting (wishing) for an increase.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 01:58 AM
9

I've been in a similar position. The only concept my SAHM ex had about money was spending other people's money like it was infinite. It was a red flag when we first got together that she refused to understand how taxes work. The first year we were married she still had a part time job temping (that would be her last foray into the world of unemployment) and I made 4 or 5x what she did. I attempted to tell her multiple times to adjust her W2 withholding so we wouldn't owe, but she stubbornly refu…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 01:55 AM
2

Congratulations. It is a very good day! Is your ex 'annoyed' that the free money flow has ended?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/23 03:18 AM
3

A lot of women who cheated and are getting divorced find it necessary to hang on tight to a self-narrative that makes them the victim of either you, or forces beyond her control (or both). The last thing in the world they want to do is admit to themselves in any way that they screwed up or were in the wrong or were the bad person, lest other people think that about them. It's amazing self-delusion and very common. You can expect it likely that she will an amazing amount of time and energy into c…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/23 01:55 AM
3

wants to just move on? or make it rough on you? I totally agree to agree on whatever you can if you both are able to see that paying lawyers means less left over for the both of you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 05:07 AM
5

If she just wants to move on, and not extract some 'pound of flesh' she somehow believes is owed, then more power to the both of you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 04:31 AM
6

exactly! and good to run across you again dday!
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 04:29 AM
6

Not so much the requests, but what annoyed me the most was her constant attempts to interfere, find out about and dictate my post-divorce personal life. I grey rocked and put her on an information diet as soon as possible, but I couldn't get rid of her 100% due to her having primary possession of my kids and my crushing alimony and child support. The kids were rather young, and she'd interrogate them after every visitation looking for clues to anything going on in my life. Combine that with a lo…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 04:24 AM
12

Honestly, just assume she has and tell yourself "not my monkeys (anymore), not my circus". You already know you are moving on from her, and agonizing over it will just distract and weigh you down. However, since you are in Ohio, it might be worth finding out if things get contentious over the kids. see: https://slaterzurz.com/the-role-adultery-or-cheating-plays-in-a-divorce/ Now expect that once she knows you are filing, for the crap to hit the fan in a big BIG way because you aren't doing what …
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 04:37 AM
3

Soon to Be Ex? You can't file as single if your weren't divorced on Dec 31 of last year. And filing as "Married filing separately" is usually a higher total tax bill than filing jointly, except in very certain situations. Let me guess.. She thinks she gets to decide how the rest of the world works and it will be so because of that. (my ex certainly was, and still is, this way)
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/23 07:48 PM
5

tl;dr - you raise your bar on standards and boundaries, and if any one of them is broken, you move on promptly with no fuss. Refuse to put up with bad behavior from day one and never change.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/23 10:42 PM
3

I think her betrayal has damaged me. I'm going on 15 years since my divorce, and I'm clearly still damaged by what my ex did to me (mental, physical, you name it). some would call it PTSD. It can clearly been seen in my posting history, etc, despite currently being in a happy relationship for more than a decade, which is by many objective measures is bleeping fantastic without any significant negatives. tl;dr - you may heal, but scars remain.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 06:29 PM
4

To answer OP directly, in tl;dr form - I would say that I really raised the bar on what it would take to get me to walk down the isle again. For the long, rambling story form: - read the bottom line, you might find it very interesting.... I had an in depth list and understanding of why marriage # 1 failed. I KNEW I shouldn't have married her, but I was young, seriously depressed, on the spectrum, and assumed it was the best I could do. Fast forward a couple decades when it's all going to shit, a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/23 06:32 AM
2

Happily remarried and out of it. However, when I was freshly divorced and early 40s, which was just before dating apps came along, I was focused on getting myself together (health, mental health, career, etc.) and it was like being the cheerleader who joined the chess club. A complete inversion from what I experienced in high school/college. I think I realized that I had landed in Oz when I went with 4 single ladies to Shakespeare in the Park, and wound up making out with 3 of them. Even more so…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/23 08:59 PM
16

According to my ex, everything bad that happened world-wide between 701 AD and 2247 AD was my fault. And everything good that happened during the same time period was her fault. I wish that wasn't only a -mild- exaggeration.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/23 11:22 PM
24

Do I believe him? Meh, I'm not quite sure. I'm going to go with "the odds are decent that he was being truthful". Shortly after my divorce, the 2009 mac mini computer I bought for my kids was having issues and as 'the computer guy' I was able to get it from them by replacing it with a newer one (2010 model). A few months later something inspired me to check the hard drive on it. I put it in an external drive, connected to another mac and discovered that at one time my ex had synced her brand new…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 04:46 AM
4

She's in the fog of NRE. Move to secure more parenting time as part of the decree/settlement while she still is high on dopamine. It will wear off...
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/22 05:27 AM
2

Thank you. I'm going on 15 years on now since filing, and my life is far, far better now that it ever was with my ex. The fact that I had to resort to a secret journal to confirm that I wasn't going crazy or had a shit memory is sad, but the confirmation of it was a turning point towards getting myself out of a bad situation.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/22 08:20 PM
4

I'm writing down everything she says to me, trying to get as much as I can in emails and texts. I've gone so long believing in her that I still think I'm the problem. In the year before I separated and then filed for divorce, I was so beaten down (mentally, and a couple times physically) and constantly being gaslit. For my own santiy's sake I stated journeying everything that she said and happened between us. After a few months, I had the clear evidence that I was right and my memory was indeed …
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/22 05:40 AM
2

What is... this.. Retirement.. that you speak of?
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/22 08:36 PM
1

Thankfully, I’m not looking to get married again, but her attitude reminded me of how unbelievably lopsided the laws are in the US, how big a burden I was able to overcome, and how I was able to persevere. Very true, and very nice to hear you are making it through. You may be in a tough place now, but there is hope, and if you stick with it, you can find a better life. This is generally true, though some men are never able to overcome the burden. I made it through, and like you had to move to af…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/22 06:52 PM
3

Congratulation and wishing you well. Odds are you will soon become much healthier and financially sound.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 08:39 AM
3

This is typical. She's spending hours a day ret-conning your entire history and thinking up ways to be blame-free and smelling like roses in the eyes of everyone else. You need to not get sucked into it, or any of the games she's playing. It's not easy, but you gotta go stoic and minimal communication. She will test you when you try to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/22 10:08 PM
7

Do you have joint tax returns? If there was a 1099-INT or other tax form generated (depending on the type of account), she would have to report it on her tax returns. Another thing to do is to run her credit report and look for any accounts you don't recognize.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/22 07:08 PM
4

I lost my job and couldn't find anything comparable locally. I did find one in another city that was a 4 hour drive away. (this was 2008, things were getting crunchy job-wise) I left out 4500 sq ft house filled with stuff, and got a 500 sq ft efficiency apartment to live in during the week. Living in that apartment was the beginning of my happiness (as an adult).
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/22 04:58 AM
3

It's a valid choice, and right for a growing number of guys. Just be honest with yourself about why you are making the choices and actions you do (good advice for any time in your life really). My only advice would be to expect that some people, even members of your family, will try to shame you for your decisions. Sometimes very subtly, sometimes overtly. Be prepared to navigate that with grace while subtly telling them 'none of your damn business'.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/22 01:06 AM
1

The separate returns doesn't mean you can't look at them. In fact I think you should go over them with a magnifying glass.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 03:16 AM
2

Do you have full copies of your tax returns from all your married years? She can change the mailing address for the statements, but that doesn't put them 'off the table' Talk to your attorney, but basically as I understand it ALL the assets accrued while married are on the table, as well as any that were brought into the marriage but since 'co-mingled'. Sounds like she is either Civil Service Retirement System (CSRS) or the Federal Employee's Retirement System (FERS). If she worked for anyone el…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 02:39 AM
2

I'm mid-50s. I had my kids in my mid to late 30s and honestly I can see and feel the difference between the years. Besides all the timelines (financial, retirement, life goals) having a baby now would mess up, though being in ok shape, I don't have anywhere near the energy and stamina I had to find when I was younger in order to deal with demands of raising young children. I divorced in my early 40s and my second wife is more than a decade younger. We acknowledged that were were done with kids, …
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/22 05:25 PM
3

Having dated post divorce from 18 years younger to 8 years older, this is solid advice. My second wife is a total winner and nearly 15 years younger but was post kids - she had hers in her early 20s and was also a NCP. As a result we both were at the same point / place in life / situation regarding kids - ages, custody, etc. and being done having any more of them. That was and still is a key item in our compatibility. We're approaching the 15 year mark (7.5 married) together and it's still aweso…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/22 06:01 AM
8

Living well ... and having your ex realize it... is the best revenge.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/22 05:57 AM
3

I was out of the market for less time than OP, and boy was everything different after my divorce. OP apparently has been in a DB for a long time - I don't think we can fault him for wanting to end the dry spell now that he's moving on and it being on his mind all the time. He'll figure out the big picture and hopefully not make any more serious mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/22 03:01 AM
26

I got divorced in my 40s after almost 20 years 'off the market'. Things hugely change for a guy from his teens and 20s to his 40s and 50s. Remember all those stories of middle age/ older woman saying there aren't any eligible men out there? When you teens/20s, you were a commodity, and competing against hordes guys who were older, more established, etc. At our age (I'm just a couple years younger than OP), if you are man, are in reasonably good shape, and got your shit more or less together, you…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/22 02:58 AM
6

nope. Divorce had been over for nearly a year at that point in time. The emails were over a year old, and all it would do is tip her off that I had better idea of what she was up to and how she had been lying/gaslighting. Yea, I saw some things needing eyebleach.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/22 02:18 AM
25

my cheating ex ... and her mother ... seemed to believe I would be sentenced to handing over 110% of my gross pay for the next 50 years as well as not being allowed to live in anything better than a 35 year old car. I've wondered exactly how they got the impression of things being so one sided during their lives and that women automatically deserved it all no matter what. It still cost me a great deal, but not the lifetime. right after the divorce I got a mac mini computer back from my kids that…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 08:47 PM
3

What's the definition of insanity again?
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/22 08:06 AM
8

once the first ultimatum is successful, others will follow. knowing it was successful in the past will embolden the resolve to not give up and push back and through your "no"s. It sets a hella bad precident for how your marriage, and relationship in general, will function going forwards.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 08:23 PM
1

If your attorney said to use Venmo, then I'm guessing you aren't the first to use it, and the courts aren't going to confused by it. Thinking about it a bit more, I'd recommend if possible to get a 1-month cash buffer for alimony payments - if possible, dunno if the current situation has bled you dry for the moment - and set it aside and make it so you always send the full payment on the first or 15th of the month. Get some confirmation from the ex in email that'll be the schedule. In addition t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 05:34 PM
1

This can be, and usually is (should be) a payment schedule spelled out in the divorce decree. In my own decree was something like this (paraphrased): If SL is paid monthly, then (it) will be $1000 per paycheck If SL is paid semi-monthly, (it) will be $500 per paycheck If SL is paid bi-weekly, (it) will be $463 per paycheck. Ask your attorney about the best payment method. googling around I can't find any info about any state agency for sending alimony through - it's all Child Support. Your attor…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 03:43 PM
1

I think the commenter above is thinking of child support. I've never heard of a state that has an office that collects and then forwards on alimony / spousal support. On the other hand, every state has such an office for Child Support and is the official way to do it. The reason is that there is matching funds from the federal government involved and states want all the federal funds they can get. If possible, I would have your employer take a proportionate amount of of each check, and direct de…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/22 06:58 AM
4

Same here. There was a lot of willingness on my part to believe her various lies and gaslighting, taking each one of stories and explanations at a time (for a while at least). But standing back a bit afterwards, the big picture leaps out loud and clear.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/22 05:12 AM
2

From what I have seen in person, with my friends as they divorce, and in the Reddit echo chamber, women care more about the narrative than they do about the facts. This is a generalization of course, but I have seen it a lot first hand. I've seen this almost pathological need to craft a comic-book hero level narrative personally, and time and time again with friends and co-workers who got divorced, and it usually got shoved onto the kids. I really haven't seen it in the men, but then I've been s…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/22 04:36 PM
16

It's been said that as we grow up woman are socialized to be more concerned with appearances and social connections and standing and men are more concerned with accomplishments and performance. And I think the current state of our society encourages that for women (embrace being a victim, put out the message that you are a strong survivor, etc) more than ever. In my experience, the (STB) wife is usually the one that wants to maintain an air of blamelessness to other people, especially if they di…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/22 08:27 AM
2

No troll here. Been there. Got the disrespect and rigged game of never could be good enough for her along with far worse (cheating, extortion, physical harm threats, false allegations). Then I got the part time dad T-shirt and alimony/child support and my freedom and self-respect back.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 09:53 PM
3

She has failed to grasp the concept that once the ming vase is dropped on the floor, no amount of wishing or super-glue will ever return it to its unbroken state. This is many men. they take it, the abuse, the disrespect, the belittling. They take it silently until it all breaks. There is no control-Z in real life to undo it all. And you understand that is how your wife is. Who she is. Anything else is temporary just until she tires of keeping it up.. or forgets .. or changes her mind.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 08:28 PM
5

Play dumb for the time being while you get your situation prepared for a split. While she is not looking you need to secure documents, valued possessions, assets, and so on. Once you file, or the gloves otherwise come off, you absolutely should expect her to go nuclear on you with no warning, up to and including making false accusations, getting you kicked out of the home you have every right to with a TRO, stealing things that were yours before you met her, blocking access to any documents or r…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 02:54 AM
7

Put me down for $20.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/22 06:36 PM
1

When I got divorced, the max duration of "Spousal Maintenance" aka Alimony was only 3 years, even if you were married for 20. The only exception was if the ex spouse was disabled or other extenuating circumstances, but the bar to get that was very high to avoid dubious/frivolous alimony claims. Around 2011, the max duration of spousal support got raised to 5 years for long term marriages (don't recall the numbers off the top of my head), but they also increased the window to cancel child support…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/22 05:26 PM
1

My oldest was just born. I thought i could tough it out for their sake. Things only got worse from there until it was beyond untenable. Sometimes you can't see that you made the worse choice until things have played out.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 06:52 PM
1

False accusations. Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence During my divorce, my ex threatened to get various people to say that I was doing very bad things(tm) to my kids unless I gave in to a list of her demands, which I got the whole conversation on voice recorder. My Attorney was estatic, and when I asked if I could share it with the local police so that it would protect me, she said they wouldn't listen or care, but that having it would get me out of jail in just a coupl…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 04:52 AM
5

Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence If things go south, combined with the Duluth Model, you are the one at great risk of being blindsided when the law or the courts get involved, hauled off to jail, or worse. The cards are heavily stacked against men in these particular situations no matter who started it or is at fault. Things may be not be at the point of going to all out war for you (thankfully), but if they were to you need to know what kind of shenanigans could be pu…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 04:47 AM
21

This is to give her time to regroup and blindside you some other way. You need to get yourself an attorney ASAP! Go for a free consult at the top 2-3 family law firms this week. You may find that she's already beaten you there as once you do, the firms will refuse to talk to the other spouse about representation. You need to go radio silent and act dumb all the while scrambling to get your defenses in place. Read this for how she could play dirty: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/22 03:15 PM
2

She's wanting to put them in more activities which will come at the expense of your time with them. It's a play to reduce your involvement in their lives and mess with your visitation/custody schedule. It's a very common tactic divorced moms pull.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 05:57 AM
4

np. figured you were just remembering the 2 kid rate. thankfully the alimony situation in Texas is sane.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 10:04 PM
3

TX state guidelines are 20% of net resources for 1 kid, 25% for 2. op - check the state oag website and realworlddivorce.com for info specific to Texas.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 07:28 PM
7

Child support is often handled separately from custody issues. Now that you have primary custody, you should be able to have your attorney file for modification - either zero or for her to owe you. Go talk to them about getting this changed.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 01:30 AM
2

Just glad to hear you are handling this with eyes wide open and protecting yourself as much as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 03:45 AM
3

Do you have a solicitor yourself that you trust to represent your interests strongly? Do not sign another mortgage with her, and do not sign a quit claim deed until after the court order is complete and you have your money. Otherwise, you'll never get it. Please listen to u/esby80 - the failure of one ex-spouse (usually the woman in my personal observations due to socialization) to not follow through on the agreed financial separation / steps is very, very common due to the lack of consequences …
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 04:18 PM
4

Yeah. Income is better.. but time is much shorter. Just hoping we're not looking at a lost 5+ years of returns.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 08:29 PM
8

Happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:24 PM
8

It's the retirement rebuilding that's the stress. EX got over 2/3rd of my retirement accounts in the divorce. I was left 6-figures in debt, and had to crack what little was left a few years later when I was unemployed. Already in my mid-50s, really only just gotten started rebuilding it a couple years ago (last CS payment was 6 months ago).
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:21 PM
7

I'm done now.. but it was $5K in 2009. So Inflation adjusted... That said, a friend of mine ended a 25+ year marriage in WA state 3.5 years ago. $7000 / mo Alimony (no CS, Kids over 18) for 7 years or $588K total. I think he just beat the deadline for tax deductability of alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/22 03:18 PM
3

Does your STBX know this is coming? If not, there's the potential.. nee.. likelihood ... that she will go scorched earth nuclear. Along with that keep your planning and consultations on the down low and act stupid/oblivious/everything's fine.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 03:30 AM
2

Worse she thought she was entitled to the same quality of life he lived after the divorce. That one of the more 'amazing' things many men encounter in divorce.. as in 'amazing entitlement'. About a year after filing, I went on a 'company paid vacation' at my new job. I was already living in a new city, paying alimony, child support, etc, when the company I was working for took everyone and their families/SOs/partners to a resort in Mexico for a week just to chill and relax. I took the gal I was …
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 01:10 AM
8

Here 'ya go. I made my last child support payment 6 months ago, so I can help a brother out. check my posting history for some posts about how money crazy my ex is. And good on you for mentioning realworlddivorce.com.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 11:04 PM
7

Can I buy an "O", an "E" and maybe a "Y" ?
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 10:19 PM
5

Even among women, my ex's state of delusion is a sight to behold.... I've got numerous stories, but no time to post them.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:49 AM
7

I paid for 3 years, the max at the time, and Spousal Support (Aka Alimony) ended. We had divorced in Texas just before the economy fell off a cliff and the company I worked for went under. The laws there have changed a bit.. now it's 5 years max, but there is a also a window if you find out the kid isn't yours that you can get out of child support.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:48 AM
10

My ex was a SHAM also, and we were living some good life for a few years before the divorce, due to my work success and stock options. I front loaded the settlement, and she was set.. if she could have managed it well and actually followed through on her stated plans. But she didn't and that's another story. She remarried as soon as the alimony ended, but still got $2.5K / month in Child Support until last year. Her new life with her new husband, which she publicly declares is "best life evar", …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:18 AM
9

I'll toss one more "ex has no ideas how life works" out... About 8 years after my divorce, when I was picking my kids up for visitation, and while waiting outside my ex came out to talk to me about something (I forget what). During that exchange she blurted out that "I had cheated her out of $7,000 a month in lifetime alimony" (her exact words) "that I owed her", because you see I had moved away to a different state AFTER the divorce, and that state had more favorable alimony laws than where we …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:06 AM
1

ABSOLUTELY NOT! You get 100% of the liability and 0% of the upside
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 05:59 PM
3

I have to second this. My first marriage (in my early 20s) went bad from pretty much the start. My second marriage (in my early 40s) has been amazing and still going strong. Among the many things I did right the second time around, I had a hard rule that any discussion of marriage was off the table for 5 years. In short, two of the biggest things it did was 1) getting to know my partner as they actually are as after a while of always putting on your best face for dating, you slowly revert to you…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:25 PM
10

Be concerned about her wanting ALL your financial info, she may be thinking you are hiding assets. And.. she may try to get access to accounts in your name only to use them. Consider getting a PO Box, redirecting all mail to there, and changing ALL Passwords, adding 2FA and basically prepping for identity theft.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/22 10:00 PM
1

One problems is that banks for the most part won't make an auto loan on anything over 10 years old, so it's 2012 model or newer unless you can pay cash or want to buy from a place that finances at painfully high rates. Used car prices have remained absurdly high - went shopping for my son's first car recently - dealers wanting around $20K for 2014-2016 crossovers with 100K-150K miles on them. Some "as-is" mechanically. As a result, I'm looking at 2008-2011 Honda CR-Vs with around 90-130K miles. …
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/22 07:28 PM
1

Sold mine to a gold /metal / coins dealer. Took some of the the proceeds and had my favorite meal and some drinks.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 04:50 PM
4

Anywhere you go, you will need to establish residency first. That usually takes 6 months. And then file there first. If you suddenly move, will your spouse go "hmmm..." and file in Canada?
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 03:02 AM
2

My ex has never worked, but worked the system. The courts didn't give a shit that I was unemployed as the great recession was starting. In the years prior to the divorce she regularly spent more than I brought in, usually thousands a month, and got violent if I tried to stop her, screaming "It's for the kids", while carrying on multiple affairs. Would also threaten to file files charges of the worst kinds against me (I have some recordings of hers threats). Not being in the area every day actual…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:26 PM
2

I had to move away to find work that paid enough, but it took me away from my kids, which has always pained me. To explain, it was 2008 and I was out of work along with hundreds of others in my field, and I was $100K in debt from my (cheating SAHM) ex's out of control spending and divorce costs, and got stuck with $5K a month in alimony and child support payments, and lost over 2/3rd of my meager retirement account. There wasn't a lot of choice if I wanted my kids to have any semblance of an ok …
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:17 PM
2

I did the math for the second half of my 16 year first marriage - it was well into the 5-figures per starfish romp....
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/22 03:19 PM
3

There are a lot of us in this "club". Seriously, someone should sell T-Shirts saying something to the effect of "The Lifestyle my Ex thinks she is STILL entitled to" with a picture of lavish Mansion & expensive cars. My ex has retconned the narrative about our marriage in her head as the years have gone by and sometimes has mentioned (We have kids, thus I have to occasionally still deal with her) in a dreamy manner things like "don't you remember the wonderful times when....." and of course she'…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 03:45 AM
1

You are not alone, not crazy, and not wrong in standing up for yourself and that's what this group is here for.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 12:23 AM
2

She's a victim rights advocate at a domestic abuse shelter... Oh crap. Protect yourself the best you can than. She knows the system and how it can be leveled at you. /Sad but true story time During my divorce, my ex threatened (on a phone call I recorded no less) to make false accusations of Very Bad Things(tm) against me if I didn't give her what she wanted ($$). My lawyer said that even with the recording, it would be rough as the authorities would act first and it would be up to me prove my i…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 12:01 AM
1

Your kids are high school aged - that's usually enough to have a rudimentary understanding of dating & betrayals, even if they don't have any first hand experience. They are going to "realize they know this is not usual behavior." one way or another. So the tack I'd recommend is to make it clear to your kids that you are going to always be there for them, unquestionably and without fail. Repeat and reinforce that message and be an open ear for them to voice their concerns and fears to. Don't sla…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:23 PM
4

And somehow it was my fault that I had to work to keep things afloat and prepare for our future, and it still wasn’t enough. "(It's) For the Kids!" became my ex's battle cry to bludgeon me over the head for my not working enough, my not doing enough work around the house, her spending being out of control, and so on.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 01:54 PM
13

Meant to comment earlier.. With men on average marrying at later and later ages, they have more that they have acquired on their own, and they need to protect that. Even in a full community property state, it's important to keep a firewall on property and assets that you bring into the marriage, as well as Inheritances that come in during the marriage as /u/Dell_Hell excellently noted. The converse is also true: If you buy a house AFTER getting married, you ABSOLUTELY want to put your spouse on …
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 09:31 PM
1

You've misread me some. I will clarify that I am not suggesting he tell the kids more than is appropriate for the age / maturity. And certainly NOT to appear to have an axe to grind with the kids. It's important he remain level and a rock of love and support for his kids. But if OP omits facts entirely like that his wife was the one who asked for separation or wanted to move out because as OP said "but she's not going to want that narrative..." he may be blindsided finding his kids suddenly blam…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/22 02:46 PM
2

Kids, especially a teen, is going to react badly when they figure out they weren't considered smart/mature enough to handle the truth about their own family situation. It's bad news all around, but not a reason to treat them like their parent thinks they can be deceived.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/22 04:06 AM
3

If you hide the truth from the kids, mom will spin the story to something that makes her look better so hard that both political parties will try and hire her for their PR departments. You can soften it for the younger kids, and spare all of them unnecessary details, but the 14 year olds especially can comprehend and will appreciate not being treated like they can't understand. Go along 'for the kids sake' and suddenly they will telling OP that he's the bad guy for cheating he never did.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/22 04:04 AM
2

Lots of ways to go about it, and lots of good feedback from others here and on your other post. A big factor is if you can mentally be 'at home' with 400 sq ft or (much) less of living space. I have a friend in her mid-30s who fulltimes in a 25' RV and is doing quite well. Only you can judge if it will meet your needs or of you're going to go crazy because it's missing something you want in your life. Another question is "do you want to explore and keep seeing new places, or would you ideally pr…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/22 07:08 AM
67

My father was a High School teacher for decades, now retired. He will tell any young man to avoid becoming one because of the dual whammy of not being personally safe if someone accuses you of anything and not well enough paying (any more) to support a middle class existence.
/r/MensRights12/04/22 03:21 AM
5

I hope that’s an existential question. This is why the best mathematical models of Black Holes have come from divorced physicists.... /jk
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 04:24 PM
2

Too many possible factors still are not defined to make this a simple calculation. Things like where you are located (laws differ), and if you bring any property into the marriage will it become "marital property" or remain your property could totally flip the calculus. go to http://realworlddivorce.com/ and read some of the different states (like MA and TX) to see how different things can get.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/22 03:48 AM
5

To clarify: In order to qualify for a divorced-spouse benefit a person must: Be finally divorced from the worker on whose record benefits are being claimed Have been married over 10 years Be currently unmarried Be at least age 62 Not be entitled to a higher benefit on his or her own work record [Note: this rule does not apply if born before January 2, 1954 and eligible to file a restricted application.] And also: A person who has been divorced twice can choose the higher of the two divorced-spou…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/22 03:43 AM
12

In some states, 10 years is the threshold for lifetime or permanent alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/22 03:36 AM
1

It varies from state to state. What does realworlddivorce.com say about your state?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 06:53 AM
1

Then it's probably time to pursue it. See what your attorney thinks. It'll cost you, but if it gives your ex actual consequences and a wake up call to actually follow the decreee... In my divorce, my attorney advised me that our judge would give the wives many, many chances to 'make good' before getting tough.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 07:45 PM
1

unsure. Honestly it's a question for your attorney. They (your attorney) should have prior experience with the issue and more importantly with the judge in question, and would have an idea how the judge would respond, and when the threshold is enough that it would change the response from just admonishing her to pay to actually causing consequences for not following the decree.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 05:34 PM
1

probably not much consequence unless it gets really really bad. Judge will tell her to pay, she'll promise she will make payments and that'll be that for the next several months. For the most part, it's too petty an item for the courts to want to put the smack down on her (how exactly would they compel her anyway - the tools they have are pretty coarse. toss he in jail for a day?) and they don't want to be in the business of micro-managing people. If they did, they'd have to work overtime just t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 05:29 PM
14

Expect her to shortly change her tune going forward after she's digested that there is no hope of reverse monkey branching, because it would make her head explode to have to admit that she made a mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 02:45 AM
16

It amazes me to no end how almost every cheating wife is so concerned about keeping family and friends from finding out and angry at the betrayed spouse for telling anyone. /why yes, my ex was the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/22 07:00 AM
5

I understand. Most guys take what their wives tell them as literal truth, and act on it accordingly with the best of intentions. And when they finally figured out that were being fed a bunch of BS for various reasons , but that she'll never admit that it was effectively BS and a no-win game, then it's a punch in the gut to realize that they were given zero respect and treated that way for so long.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 04:30 AM
7

You don't have to be worth millions to be concerned. When I divorced in my early 40s, I had just landed my dream job which had not only a LOT of social status but was making a couple hundred grand a year. Now I dated around for a couple years, in a wide age range, and I was always honest about my circumstances, but I didn't give a lot of specifies (like salary). What I was able to do was figure out who was looking at me as a "meal ticket" to either pay for their kids, allow them not to work, or …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 08:41 PM
4

cheating or not, there is always that brain chemical rush and honeymoon phase of a new partner to watch out for. Most couples who have solid long term marriages are aware of that, and take steps to have boundaries and avoid getting into situations where their judgement will be clouded by the rush of the prospect of a shiny new mate.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 08:28 PM
4

What's your opinion on the "he wouldn't change" excuse? I think more often than not, it's just that.. and excuse. You could translate it to "he isn't what I wish he was..." which can include things that are impossible - like being 4 inches taller, or independently wealthy. It's a good way to avoid admitting that the person they married wasn't what they really wanted or that they failed to vet their partner well enough before saying 'I do' or that they thought their partner would change into some…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 08:25 PM
5

What really blew my mind as a younger man was -- They often make up their mind to leave months before they actually leave. I think this a general difference between men & women, and it has components that are both instinctual and socialized / educated into us. Your mileage may vary, and as always a sudden serious incident can necessitate a complete change of plans.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 08:20 PM
3

Been there, paid out about a half mil in child support + alimony, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 04:39 PM
13

Another older guy chiming in who has been through it all and seen many friends and peers go through it as well. One thing you need to understand, and its often hard to fully internalize is that once she decided she was done with you (and probably could do better) is that NOTHING you could do would make her change her mind to like you again like she once did. When asked she'll say you didn't do this, or didn't do that to X degree or amount, but that's her finding a justification, not an actual cr…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/22 04:17 PM
14

u/jaymo54 said this best: NOTHING gets an ex more miserable than you being happy. Play the long game as well as the short game. By this I mean, in addition to fighting the good fight right now to not get destroyed by the courts, lose your kids, etc, believe that you are working towards a better future in 5, 10, 15 years from now than you would have had if you had stayed married. I'm 13 years out, doing better than I ever was with my ex in all respects. Remarried to a gal 11 years younger than I …
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 06:06 PM
3

Some information may be found here: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Texas Divorce, custody, and child support plaintiffs in Texas cannot mount as threatening a lawsuit as in most other states. The community property law prevents a short-term spouse from attacking premarital assets, for example.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/22 06:07 PM
2

Most attorneys will do an initial consult for free. The trick there will be to find the time to slip away and have the consultation without making her aware you did that. Also: I believe that once you have consulted with an attorney, even if you don't hire/use them, they will refuse to represent your spouse if she should come to them later and attempt to hire them (because then they've heard from both sides or something). So if there are any local firms that are particularly known for being shar…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/22 04:54 PM
1

I had to focus on rebuilding, especially for the first couple years. Myself mentally from years of an abusive relationship, as well as financially, being a hundred grand in debt and having to pay five thousand a month is alimony and support. So I didn't go our much. I focused on my time with my kids, my work, and relaxed with cheap things like video games, coding, going to the gym, etc. I spent a lot of time figuring out how I could improve myself and avoid the mistakes and traps in any future r…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 06:52 PM
10

How many red flags could you make out of that bolt of material she has on?
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen03/02/22 01:46 PM
6

Your doubts and mental state are your worst enemy. I feel like that you need to grab on to an idea like "Outcome Independence" as a central part of you are remaking yourself into going forward. What I mean by that is that you are going to have to work on a bunch of things - liking yourself, putting yourself first, loving yourself, doing things which are good for you in the long run, and avoiding those that are not, and not having your identity tied up in having a partner, or who your partner is.…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 06:11 AM
2

Well, they got the name of my ex right...
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen01/02/22 10:38 PM
50

One thing we tend to forget is that in China, Money - having it and acquiring it by any means and ethics possible, is held in crazy high regard - much more so than here in the west, and that's saying something. You've got the normal urge to marry up, but on top of it is a set of HUGE social pressures peculiar to Chinese society coming from friends, family, strangers, the media, and so on. So nope, government officials aren't going to solve any "problem" this way, but they can at least claim to t…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen01/02/22 03:22 AM
1

Meals.. well I am still married but I know I can do this myself. That said I HATE cooking. Something I've never done. So largely I want to find a way to have quick but healthy meals. I want to largely lose weight get in shape and stay healthy. Try checking out something like Every Plate ( https://www.everyplate.com/ ) for meals. May seem like a gimmic, but it's honestly transformative - I'm saying that from personal experience. It takes most of the pain out of meal prep, and you're eating way be…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 03:17 AM
1

When she used to work in banking guess what division she was in? RETIREMENT SERVICES! I believe it. I'm astounded at the mental disconnect in dealing with hard numbers and facts that you can get when a woman has fully embraced the belief that it's some man's job to 100% pay for her and the lifestyle in which she desires to become accustom to. I've got a few financial related doozies about my ex I could share, the most recent involving the ending of child support because my youngest turned 18. Du…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/22 02:59 AM
1

I'm assuming your wife has not worked all this time? I've wondered if it is possible to move out and leave her, but not bother filing for divorce. I'm guessing she would run and file in that case.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/22 01:56 AM
6

Indeed. This story, and the previous part as well, struck me as a little too "nice and smooth" as a dating disaster/rp tropes collection that I am wondering how genuine. Things like the 600k salary are hard to swallow as thats less than 0.1% of tech, and how quick the "best friend" moved. too many outliers to just go "ok, sure"
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen24/01/22 05:51 AM
4

Was going to downvote you at first glance... then I re-read your comment and saw what you did there...
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen10/01/22 10:27 PM
8

She was such an outlier when younger that her idea of "normal" is a complete outlier as well.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen10/01/22 08:38 AM
7

I commented to my wife the other day that I hadn't noticed Paulina whining about not getting enough attention for 2 weeks and wondered if she was sidelined with covid... My wife's comment after reading a twatter thread on her today was "She doesn't realize how pathetic she is being." 'nuff said.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen10/01/22 08:35 AM
1

A couple thoughts: If you think about it, it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective going back to primates and other mammals. Reproductive success doesn't give a s**t about anyone's feelings. Individuals who will venture outside their group/pack/territory for reproductive opportunities are going to have their DNA spread around further and more likely to survive local extension events. Individuals that don't have their lines lost to history more often than individuals who find such attracti…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen09/01/22 10:38 PM
68

The last 3 words of her quote though are a complete lie, written to make the rest palatable and not piss off the majority of men.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen09/01/22 10:16 PM
45

Magical thinking at it's finest....
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen09/01/22 08:16 AM
1

Where did OP ever say anything like that? You're right that OP didn't explicitly say that. I think it's a combination of the OP saying "The Ex is now dating a lawyer." and other people's comments about it. It's not uncommon to see guys asking the question "hey, my ex is now living with her new partner and he's paying for a bunch of stuff - i.e. she has more resources now, can I lower my burden?" Your other replies are valid and OP should take notice of them. like, does having a lawyer for a BF g…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/22 07:00 PM
1

First off - I agree with other commenters in that you probably don't want to stir up that hornet's nest. Secondly, or zeroith if you prefer, her boyfriend's income doesn't matter to the courts. It's really common for a women receiving alimony to just live with their new man until the alimony ends. They don't see any reason cut off the supply of free money, even if their new guy is a $Billionaire (they wish). Conversely, they won't remarry until the alimony stops. Child Support is a different dea…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/22 04:45 AM
3

I'm no chad, but a decent dude, even if just 5'10". My ex decided to whore around, and then demanded a one-sided open relationship (using thread of divorce and our kids) even though she was less attractive than your ex. I'll spare the extreme nastiness of the breakup, separation and divorce (2 small kids, her making false charges, and so much more) which I initiated, and skip to these 2 points: 1) My ex was weirdly expecting me to still be there for her the whole time she was slutting it up.. an…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen05/01/22 08:17 AM
2

Ha. I missed that.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/22 02:54 AM
3

Alas, we're not thinking as clearly either...
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 11:01 PM
4

We're both of the 'living well is the best revenge' mindset. Doesn't hurt that she's almost 15 years younger than I am too.. :) More seriously though. Men really do gotta learn to be careful, and willing to NOT commit to someone who is just/only a "sink" for resources/time/money/life energy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 09:28 PM
5

She will blow through her half of my retirement within 5 years I am sure. You're being too conservative - It took my ex exactly one year to do that. Marriage is a business deal. Love is the bait to get engaged in that deal. There is some hope. Post divorce, I had set some strict requirements for anyone I would get serious with - they had to be able to support themselves 100%, and we had to be dating 5 years before marriage was even open as a discussion topic. I met and eventually married a gal w…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 09:17 PM
5

Our culture and media is making the problem worse IMHO. As people grow up, the idea of what an average person's life is that they see is highly distorted. And technology has only made it worse -call it "lifestyles of the instagram famous and beautiful" or "facebook shows everyone else living a better life than me"
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 06:55 PM
10

My ex has given me some choice quotes relating to money over the years - all of which shows her disconnect from financial reality. "Ten Thousand Dollars is Nothing!" (her wanting me to buy some expensive furniture she saw while we had financial troubles) "There are 6 figure jobs on every corner!" (WTF convo after I lost my job and trying to explain that jobs that paid as well as the one I had were scarce because I hadn't got a new job within a week) "You cheated me out of 7 thousand a month life…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 06:42 PM
13

The hilarious/sad thing is that they SWEAR up and down they are not going to remarry, and go on about how they are independent etc. My ex spewed that and when I mentioned it to my attorney, she just scoffed and said they all say that while lining up meal ticket #2. Yes, I later apologized to her for not listening.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 05:43 PM
12

My ex got almost 75% of my retirement account along with all our other meager assets. she was SHAM, never working since we married young, and was never satisfied with the money I earned or her spending. Her out of control spending and demand for nicer car; bigger house, etc. combined with bad timing - housing crash, 08 recession and a couple other bad choices (having Merrill Lynch manage a windfall and advise us for their gain, not ours) had us deep in the red at the time the divorce went throug…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/22 05:19 PM
1

You have to ask yourself "Will she counter attack with even more lies, or perhaps something else you'd rather not air out?" My ex back in the STBX phase was wielding the threat of false allegations, including those of 'doing very bad things(tm)' to my young children, in my face. I even got a recording of a phone call where she laid out her threat of 'extra bad accusations' in detail like a Bond Villain, going far enough to list everyone she claimed would corroborate her lies, if I didn't fork ov…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/21 12:22 AM
3

was recently banned, without reason give, from a sub I had posted in on and off for years. My comment reply in question was marginal at best for maybe sorta implying a couple concepts other mens subs talk about (just the concepts, not actions) but avoided the 'language', tried to be honestly thought provoking and relevant to the OP, and was nowhere near as reactionary as MANY other comments that were allowed. Better to unsubscribe anyway. It's pretty clear there is a "correct" ideology and messa…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/21 09:34 PM
16

You'll be ok. Keep reminding yourself she's doing what nearly every divorcing woman who came before has done - shifting as much of the blame onto you as possible and trying to come out blameless and the victim. It's some sort of instinctual protection mechanism that extends to telling all your family and friends that you're the bad guy and retconning the past with a skill that the writers at Marvel and DC comics only wish they had.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/21 05:42 AM
3

Here’s my explanation: The “traditional dating” paradigm that women are hopelessly locked into was based upon a narrow margin of history when women dated outside of the home but dating pools were shallow (they went to the same school and lived in the same neighborhood), men generally were the primary earners, and women didn’t milk it for too long since they were told to get married early before all the beta bucks and chads were taken. Two hugely insightful comments here (the reply chain above th…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen02/12/21 05:52 AM
6

Congratulations! I remember going through all those various milestones of getting back on my financial feet.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/21 10:01 PM
4

You need to say 'no' to the ex's parents and establish firm boundaries.. I guarantee you grandma knows what she is doing and her intent is to get the kids away from you, even if that hasn't been communicated to your ex. It's really quite common, and grandma can be much more malicious than your ex as she feels she is protecting her daughters, and grandduaghters while you are not 'of her blood' (and thus of little to no interest to her). And they love to hide behind 'plausible deniability'
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 07:31 AM
37

One thing I've learned is that online, and especially reddit, is not the real world. Here you will find people who dedicate their lives to pushing their position and attacking all opposition with the fervor or a religious zealot warrior. This the various subs and sites under attack and often portrayed incorrectly. In this current day, there seems to be no room or tolerance for a middle ground. That said, I've been perplexed and amused by the response to mg tow by many women. You would think thei…
/r/MensRights28/11/21 07:57 AM
6

She's used my kids at every turn and they've wound up pretty alienated though she claims they're not. Child Support plus Alimony plus direct Kid Expenses has run up to just under $600K cash (most after-tax) over nearly 15 years. I smile and ignore on the outside while praying for a bolt of lighting to hit her.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen23/11/21 06:31 AM
8

Don't leave the house, but DO get to a Family Law attorney ASAP - do it without her knowing if you can. Read up at http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ if you can. For starters read the sections on your state and the domestic violence parallel track. You need to go full Radio Silence. Play dumb and oblivious, even though it's hard and you would rather want to explode on her and the AP. You got a small window of time/opportunity to get a head start here. When she realizes she might be in the position…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/21 07:29 AM
49

My ex has told me, with a serious straight face, that she should be getting alimony despite the fact that she is remarried, and that the only reason she isn't is that I somehow cheated her out of it by moving to a state that has lifetime alimony (it actually doesn't, just something close if you are married 25+ years) AFTER the divorce was well underway (to take a job during the 08 recession). Did I mention that she also stated the amount she was due but not getting - which was higher than my ful…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen22/11/21 07:23 AM
3

Maybe. 'heap of magical thinking' seems to be closest to it. It's ignoring that 100,000 : 1 odds and thinking that you must be that one in a hundred thousand, even when the quickest objective evaluation shows that what you have is ordinary and unremarkable .. in game development I'd say something like "oh, and it's a Flappy Bird clone, except with a chicken for the bird?" and the implication would go right over their heads. I knew a gal in High School who fit the above - she had her standards at…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen22/11/21 12:53 AM
1

Took the words right out of my fingers!
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/21 07:21 AM
23

The thing that gets me is what makes them believe this . How many examples of this happening could they possibly have seen? I guess the odd high profile guys doing this like Prince Harry and that nfl player wifed up Future’s leftovers (Russell Wilson?) have a lot to answer for. Since I assume they are what women are basing this on Be a complete hoe and in some cases a baby mama and still get an elite man. But they miss that these are exceptions I don't comment here that often, but I will share a…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen20/11/21 03:40 AM
7

and it works both ways. My son, currently under the age of 18, is 6' 5". I'm 5' 10", and I got a DNA test done on him when I divorced his ho of a mother. (100% mine).
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen06/11/21 11:13 PM
3

I recall reading somewhere that many women, upon discovering that they had been deceived by a man they was high value but actually was of lower value, that they would have a huge visceral reaction of disgust. I think many men would have the same reaction upon learning they were plan "B".. er... "H".
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen06/11/21 10:56 PM
2

Have you turned it into something tangible like code or a patent?
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/21 05:38 AM
2

Yes, but it will not be an easy thing for most boys to accept. At least in my generation, the vast swath of school aged boys in the middle (SMV 3 to 7.5) have had (often many times) the experience where they tried talking to a girl and giving her attention, and while there were getting some response, they saw (or were made aware) when said girl showed her interest in one of the more genetically gifted boys, even if nothing more came of it than a swoon. And it didn't go un-noticed that they never…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen03/11/21 04:59 AM
4

Also maybe come up with some stock responses to deflect. Maybe you can playfully throw something like "Oh, you're right .. I'm just pulling your leg.. and you're going to pay for our dates after you ask me out, right?... Right?" that takes the topic in a direction they'd rather not and gets them to eventually drop it. As some of the other posters have noted there's a big problem because of everyone's age. You are all still teenagers in high school. At this point in their (and your) lives, they r…
/r/MensRights03/11/21 04:32 AM
14

Divorce can be very expensive, especially when kids are involved. One high earner vs a stay at home parent that knows how to play the system can be very lopsided in how the family courts see things. We live, we learn.
/r/MensRights02/11/21 04:42 AM
20

I work as an internet sales consultant at a Toyota dealership. I see so many women come in to buy a car that have TONS of student loan debt, wrecked credit and horrible income in a job they did not need the degree for. One lady last week was 50 years old working at Waffle House with $20,000 in student loan debt. When I was your age, and before the internet was opened up to the public, I spent a year working on computerizing a independent mortgage loan office - mostly the back end stuff that a lo…
/r/MensRights02/11/21 02:54 AM
3

Please Read this as well: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence Get a good family law attorney ASAP. Secure all the items you care about safely offsite, including all important documents, financial records, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/21 10:25 PM
4

Watch out for false charges of domestic violence or doing bad things(tm) to your kids as an attempt to regain the upper hand in the divorce proceedings. If she's backed herself into a financial corner, then when she realizes she might be screwed in the purse, she could suddenly decide (or be advised) to do something unscrupulous. You would think she would never do that, but neither did I and my ex attempted to blackmail me for $ with threats of the latter. http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Domesti…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/21 01:57 AM
2

what u/GoldPotential6298 said. Is your STBX jonesing for a payout from you? DO you want to sell, or hang on to the house? If you're looking at alimony, you might get her to go for less or shorter duration in exchange for up-front cash from the house sale. Use greed to your long-term advantage.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/21 09:10 PM
6

You can stop payment and because you are not on the loan, it falls to your STBX. However, laws vary from state to state, and even judges vary in how they will rule. You absolutely want to include this in your consultation with an attorney. They will advise you as to not only what's "legal, but how it will be interpreted and reacted to by the judge/family court. Martial and co-mingle property is a funky things sometimes. It's just one thing of many to get professional help on in terms of getting …
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/21 08:38 PM
4

A more important question: Is your name on the mortgage?
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/21 07:51 PM
13

I’ve seen some of the most adamant equality preaching feminists end up as stay at home house wives, supported by their husbands, or maybe they have a fun low paying job. For married women (or in a strong relationship) when work becomes 'hard' and takes away the 'fun' from life, the option to stop working and 'let the man take care of making the money' is so very tempting that many, if not most, choose it. I've lost count of how many times I've seen some variation of that (quit job, decided to ge…
/r/MensRights23/09/21 04:15 AM
3

See my post above re: Texas. Alimony is capped at either 3 or 5 years. Child Support is fixed formula and capped also.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/21 07:25 PM
3

Please check this site out: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ It was written by 5 Academics (4 of them women). It has writes up on the laws in every state and interviews with 3 experienced Family Law Attorneys in EACH state, and presents a set of standard scenarios to each to get their take on it. Texas has a 3yr/5 year cap on alimony (rehabilitative maintenance), which if you are in a long term marriage (10+ years) is hella better than looking at life-time alimony in California. Cost of living i…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/21 07:24 PM
1

It's a slippery slope. Indeed it is. "It's For the Kids!!" is what my SAHM ex would repeatedly scream as she was racking up 5 to 10 thousand dollars a month on our credit cards, which I was paying off in full, depleting an investment account that should have set us up for financial independence. No matter how many times we has "the talk" restraint would last for a day or two at most. As things progressed I would be browbeaten, yelled at, gaslit, vilified and even assaulted.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/21 06:58 PM
2

This. I remarried 7 years ago. No kids together (we both had kids from priors). Number of co-mingled accounts to date: zero Number of times one of us bailed out the other: zero Number of prenups: one I can't begin to express how much that helps things. But if it comes up in conversation, most people are shocked to hear that we have 100% separate accounts. The way I found to explain it such that they can at least pretend to accept it is to say that it prevents any conflict over resources going to…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/21 06:50 PM
4

I just don't get why everything seems like it is a personal attack. Because she now hates you because she has retconned her history of your relationship and marriage. She hates herself for having been "stuck" with someone whom she blames for all the bad things(tm). She of course remains the innocent victim of your pulling the wool over her eyes for so long. Classic coping technique to avoid having to take a hard look at oneself and be willing to accept their share of the blame. It may sound hars…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 06:21 PM
3

I follow our agreements to the letter, she couldn't give a shit. Get used to it. I think that socially and culturally we teach women, directly and indirectly from birth, that they can indulge in whatever they want and either rules will be waved for them, or consequences will be lessened or removed. And when it comes to divorce, a lot of women view the "mom card" as a free pass of sorts. Spend a life of not being held very accountable, and you never will develop the self-discipline to make sure y…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 05:18 AM
5

Paying for college, or rather not paying for it. Let me explain a bit. When I divorced my kids were just 4 and 6 and my STBX really really wanted it written into the decree that I would pay everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, for my kids college, without any restrictions or limits or qualifiers. That is, she wanted a giant blank check that had no limits to costs (kids could be going to $100k/yr schools), no limit to duration (kid could change majors repeatedly and be on the 8-year plan), or if…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 08:13 AM
1

I'll bet the judge sees these filed as an attempt to get the upper hand all the time. If you stand tall and firm, it's could be more likely he/she will suspect that it's false. Have you read this? http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/21 01:35 AM
1

Sometimes "It Depends" or "It's Complicated" In many senses, I moved on from my EX well before the divorce was final (took about a year to finalize). I don't miss her. I regret I didn't exit sooner (the marriage was abusive, moments actually put my life in danger, and I was to find out afterwards that she had repeatedly cheated on me the whole time). I also met someone infinitely better suited for me and she's still at my side today. So I'm happy about that. In many other ways, I still have to d…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/21 01:18 AM
2

If she is anything like my ex, she will burn through it far faster than she believes is possible (and then quickly look for another provider sucker) Focus on your kids and yourself and winning the long game.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 01:00 PM
1

Ouch. Sounds like a brutal battle she waged given those attorney fees. I also was/still am paying over TX formula standard maximum (net resources cap) in child support. There is a silver lining though (potentially) - because I way paying over the max for the standard formula, my ex never took me back for a modification. Not sure if she just never thought to, or if she asked an attorney and got a “it might go down (to net resource cap max)” answer. As a result I’ve never had to turn over my tax r…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 04:30 AM
6

From my experience, it all depends on the answers to 5 questions. 1) How old are you? 2) What is the age range you want to date? 3) What are your desired results? (ONS, FWBs, LTRs, Marriage, one at a time, spinning plates, etc) 4) How encumbered are you post-divorce? (i.e. finances, kids, schedule, etc) 5) How willing are you to whip yourself into good/better shape physically and mentally? I had a blast and some crazy times post-divorce dating, and also met Wife #2 (still going VERY strong with)…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 10:38 PM
3

she's never worked a day in her adult life, despite making a huge show about getting her degree and teaching certificate after the divorce (on my dime) It's the danger of being the only earner facing off someone wrapping herself in the flag of motherhood and apple pie in front of a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/21 12:20 AM
6

Many men more successful than I, have paid out far more.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 11:11 PM
16

My running total is similar to u/used2befast but the components differ. 17 year marriage, life-long SAH/SAHM, 2 small kids at the time. Currently somewhere in the 600 thousands and counting. We had over a half-million worth of stocks in a brokerage account about 6 years before it all went down. My ex spent that time spending us into a hole - new bigger house, Mercedes SUV, and putting $5-10K monthly on her credit cards while screaming at me "It's for the kids" when I dare to question or try to g…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 10:46 PM
4

I can guarantee you that he would not get any part of a positive reaction by doing any of those things.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/21 09:46 PM
2

1.5 million false domestic violence claims each year in the US To hear so many put it, it's 1.5 false DV claims a year. The widespread ideological insistence to insist that it never happens unless a man is the perpetrator both angers and baffles me. Why yes, my ex did make false claims against me, some directly as part of extortion on her part. Consequences for her? none.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 11:28 PM
1

I hate to have to bring this out, but you need to read it and understand how things could go horribly bad for you if things get physical - even if she hits you and all you do is sit there and take it. http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence In the event of DV call to 911, the cops are going to remove and possibly arrest someone, and the default setting, thanks to policies like DAVA, is always the husband, even if he's covered in blood and stab wounds and the wife is juggling steak knive…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 07:02 PM
1

A coupe of things to unpack here. First off, take a look at Texas Family Code chapter 154.127. for the specifics on how Child Support is calculated. Specifically: SUBCHAPTER B. COMPUTING NET RESOURCES AVAILABLE FOR PAYMENT OF CHILD SUPPORT lists what you include and what you get to deduct in coming up with the total. As you can see, you get to deduct Federal Taxes paid which includes taxes on your capital gains. They come up with a "bottom line" monthly number for "Net Resources" which is how mu…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 07:18 PM
6

Not that uncommon. My ex to this day, more than a decade later, feels the need to snoop on and monitor me. She truly believes she has a right to know and to somehow control my life still. In the early years of our divorce she would find out some tidbit from my online activity, or though other people, and message or call me up out of the blue, revealing something she discovered (often inaccurate) and either yell and scream or try shaming language. If I did not have kids with her, I would have har…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 04:44 PM
3

If she's choosing a job that pays less than what she could get for her degree, check with your attorney about having her income imputed at a higher level.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/21 04:31 AM
7

The point is that these success stories do a lot of harm to young women who live in a world of possibilities instead of the real world of probabilities. I can hear it every day ... "If she won the genetic lottery, and the mate lottery, I can too!!"
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen19/07/21 08:48 PM
23

Agree in general. I noticed that Birger really, REALLY didn't want to come out admit that most women have a primal revulsion reaction to "dating down" and spent plenty of time looking for 'other factors' to diffuse the thought. The article is 6 years old, so I'm kinda letting it pass that it doesn't bring up that: 1) Boys/Men are getting the message that they are not wanted at college. (Unless they are from rich families or very skilled athletes) 2) If boys do go to college they are going to be …
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen17/07/21 09:14 PM
25

As a side topic, obesity has become a problem for all of us. Since I was kid, obesity has more than doubled worldwide, and it has caused a disconnect between what I remember and learned growing up, and what I see out and about. When I, as an over 40 man, was at my 'low weight' and fit into the same 32-inch (not relaxed!) pants that I wore in college, I notice more general signs of positive attention. I'm almost back down to that (thanks "Covid 20"), and determined to keep it this time (I'm sure …
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen17/07/21 09:04 PM
5

You would not.. well, you probably would... believe how much my ex stalked me online even after our divorce. She just couldn't let go of trying to run (and ruin) my life. Like you, I set up all new accounts, and even altered details to avoid coming up in searches she might be running.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 05:41 AM
1

We met online in my post-divorce period when she was going through her own divorce (if it wasn't clear, he ex was 'in the closet'). She pretty much is the opposite of my first wife, except for weight, where's she's only 1/2 of my ex's mass... :) We both have kids, about the same ages, that our non-working exs have primary custody of, so we're well matched. She's had her tubes tied.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 05:03 AM
1

My single biggest piece of advice would be to NOT settle in/shack up/whatever with anyone if you have not already dated at least 5 different women I've lost count of how many guys (including my own brother) 35+ who when suddenly single again after a long time, wind up moving in with and/or marrying the first pretty girl they meet and then the bloom wears off later on and they regret it. They call it a "rebound" relationship for a reason. It may sound cynical to say "you need practice dating", bu…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 04:54 AM
1

Mind if I ask approx how old you are?
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/21 03:27 AM
2

For what it's worth, I didn't marry her until almost 7 years after meeting her and 5 years post going-exclusive. I told her I had a 5-year waiting period before marriage could be on the table - to protect both me and anyone I was seeing from making a mistake by rebounding etc... and I stuck to that HARD. A few ladies thought they could change my mind about it and they moved on. For my current wife, I did break my 4 year rule about co-habitating and we moved in together around the 3 year mark bec…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/21 03:25 AM
1

I met my current wife, and a lot of the other ladies I dated online (some of which then set me up with their friends, etc)... but that was 14 years ago. It was before smartphones, and before dating apps, bots, etc. We got the advantage of casting a wide net, but everyone had to actually read profiles, write, progress to phone calls, and talk back and forth a lot, etc/ etc. Had no idea at the time, but it was basically the golden era of online dating - it was getting enough people on it, but it h…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/21 02:06 AM
2

My ex wife made the same claim to family, etc, which of course was laughable in truth but still cost me dearly. What kept her from making it to authorities? when her female friend pointed out that if I was jailed, which seemed a likely outcome as said friend's husband was a cop, that all her access to (my) money would stop as we were living (my) paycheck to (my) paycheck at that point. Until that moment of revelation, she honestly thought that somehow the government was going to step in and give…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/21 02:29 AM
2

Fortunately, I think our odds are more favorable for several reasons which would fall under RP thinking. Still. Step #0 - Got a very solid prenup. She has been making > 150k for the last few years (I make more) with a solid career. The only shared asset is the house, with about $800k equity which we've equally contributed to in all aspects. Would be difficult to prove she was helpless on her own.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/21 02:16 AM
3

I can't believe you glanced over at her that way, you evil, vile, sub-human excuse for a man!
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 11:47 PM
5

Ask any white collar type guy (or gal) about office politics and the dreaded 'annual performance review' where your boss HAS to identify a few things you are doing wrong/could be doing better in order cover their corporate azz, all for a raise that doesn't keep up with inflation. then compare that to being to a SAHM where if hubby tried to give her an annual review, he'd be sleeping on the sofa for 2 months, while she can berate him in (sometimes subtle) ways daily for not bringing home more mon…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 11:46 PM
4

I believe spousal support in TX is capped at 5 years max, unless someone is disabled, or the like.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 08:05 PM
1

That's a factor. A Man's thinking logically and with clarity improves with age when it comes to that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 08:05 PM
7

I'm a happily second-time married person. But that only happened because 1) I went through every sort of hell the first time I got married and destroyed in the divorce. 2) I learned and forcefully applied everything learned the second time around. No kids with wife #2. Prenup. 7 years married and we have no joint bank or credit accounts. Strong attraction in both directions. Firm rules about boundaries and conflict management (expecting the other to read your mind is an explicit no-no we both ca…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 06:02 PM
6

How so? Is it something like that the power dynamic has shifted? Exactly. Look, I don't want to come off as being ideological about it as there is so much of that going on right now with gender dynamics, but if you look at how things have pretty much always been throughout history in practically every culture, women have always been valued for being young and pretty and men valued for what they have and do and power and status. It's optimal for making and ensuring the next generation. Today, a g…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 05:54 PM
5

I actually try not to come off as sexist, but this scenario can't help but be, because of the huge asymmetry between men and women it brings out - dad has zero option to be the one to get pregnant and everything that follows, which forces his roll to step up and fill the first plus second provider void when the woman exits the workplace, and the total demand for resources goes up due to baby. My current wife earns very well and makes no bones about the fact that it was much easier in many, many …
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 05:44 PM
6

But if you do, do not allow a situation where you work and she does not. I understand and agree that it is good for the children to do this. However, in the long run, it kills the father's ability to provide for and be a dad to his children. The problem I've observed is that when a lot of men get married, their wife is saying she will stay working post kids, or even not have kids for some long period of time, and then ... ... wham ... she gets pregnant and changes her mind. which changes the gam…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 04:26 PM
3

Sure, plenty of regrets regarding marrying, putting up with stuff, my kids, etc, but for the divorce itself? ... ... Only wish I had done it sooner. ( I tried staying in a dangerous situation for my kids ) Post-divorce life has been 10,000% Better. The 'single man' period was eye-opening. Dating in your 40s for most men is almost a complete opposite from dating in your late teens, early 20s. I did re-marry 7 years after, but I had taken everything I had learned from the first time around and imp…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 04:19 PM
1

This may have some relevant info: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Connecticut
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/21 01:52 AM
37

They hate men but still want a boyfriend or husband. It's just weird to me. Let me clarify. Free Stuff. Someone to pay for everything. Someone to do the crap tasks they don't want to. Someone to blame for anything they don't like, or their own failings.
/r/MensRights03/07/21 09:38 PM
7

May I recommend http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ for reading up on sections that seem relevant to you. This section in particular: The Domestic Violence Parallel Track is worth reading just to understand how badly false DV accusations can be and how they've been weaponized. I personally would lean towards telling your adult children the day/evening before you have a served, assuming you can trust them not to tip her off. I'd keep it short and factual, and stress the desire to keep a positive rel…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 06:58 PM
31

Year ago, I was young, just out of school, and lived in a 'bible belt' part of the country. After a while, and living with an older relative who was a top-5% in the genetically gifted department (and taking full advantage of it), I got clued into just how rampant this behavior was among the single church-going ladies. They had zero qualms leading dual lives - publicly proclaiming how virtuous, chase and god-fearing they were, while privately getting miles of pipe laid down through them.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/06/21 11:03 PM
7

Wasn't it Leykis who said "Money, Status and Power" were the three aphrodisiacs? Basically is having 'social proof' that you have risen above the pack of other males in some fashion. I'm probably a 7 on the 1-10 scale. Decent looking and sized, even 'cute', nothing physically wrong, but I don't have the extra oomph of being over 6' or clearly genetically gifted to put me in the top 10-15% where the panties get wet after first glance, but enough to get me some occasional success over the years wh…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen14/06/21 12:25 AM
12

A valid line of thought. So many women say they want men who are educated, top of their class, worldly, caught up on all the latest important issues, have unique and creative interests, etc... while they themselves are as bland as a slice of Wonder Bread and were nothing better than solid "C" students... and don't see any sort of disconnect or imbalance in that. As a man who somewhat fits that description of exceptional accomplishments (can name drop quite a few things of interest when describin…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen13/06/21 06:42 PM
2

Yup. My ex remarried less than 2 weeks after the last support check cleared.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 04:31 PM
3

Texas has a 5 year cap on alimony (spousal maintenance), which is great compared to lifetime
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/21 01:43 PM
4

And I second it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 07:38 PM
3

Understood. You have a big picture understanding of what you want to protect and to get free of her claims to your future. It's often necessary to front load the settlement to get in position to win in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/21 03:49 AM
2

Secure all important documents, tax returns, business records, bank statements, even birth certificates. ASAP. Change all online passwords she might know.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/21 04:27 PM
7

when you're 18-25 The difference in the average man's life experiences during those yeas vs. the average woman's life experiences at the same age is something that should really be taught. Nature and Biology is cruel, efficient, and amoral. Successful reproduction IS the only goal that really matters in the larger scheme of the universe (it's the only reason all of us are here after all), and the role in the process each sex plays is very asymmetric, and for the most part each of as individuals …
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen30/05/21 10:08 PM
40

Reminds me of something that happened a few years ago while I was eating lunch in a mall in Bellevue, WA (High $ area full of tech companies) near the Nordstroms. A group of 3 teen girls, probably 17-19, sat down at the next table and were rambling on when a woman who was probably mid 40s walked by the table. Now this older woman was what I'd call 'typical' for the area - she wasn't fat like most women her age get, but probably about 135-145, and very well dressed with designer clothes, shoes, p…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen30/05/21 05:32 PM
5

Also. I see my first line of response was rather snippy. Apologies for that. I know we're all on the same side in seeing how things really are.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen30/05/21 12:11 AM
2

He is good. And like I said in the other comment below, once he's older and up to speed, it's going to massively work in his favor. It's just getting him to that level that I worry so much about. If you've known any parent who had an autistic/special needs kid, you probably have an idea how exhausting the childhood challenges can be. At six he was still smearing poop on the walls. At 14 he was still unable to deal with sensory overload, making it very hard to go out in public where there was any…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen30/05/21 12:08 AM
13

Once he's more caught up socially, I totally agree. He'll go into most dating situations with a major bonus to his stats. However, at this very moment, he's never spent a day in High School, or Junior High, talked to a girl his age other than his sister to any meaningful amount, much less had a girlfriend, etc. He doesn't have or bother with social media, though he does online gaming sometimes (most of his gaming is either grand historical wargaming strategy or flight simulator). Contrast that w…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen30/05/21 12:04 AM
2

Did you miss the part about him being autistic? He's spent only a total of about 1.5 years in public schools (elementary school years, which were very tough), with my ex home schooling him for the rest. I'm having to push to get him to go for his GED. He can give you an encyclopedic recounting of almost every airplane made by Boeing in the past century, and has almost 40 hours of flight time racked up, but in terms of socialization, he's a disadvantage to the craziness of the average 18-yr old g…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/05/21 09:27 PM
23

"Appearance is everything. Appearance is reality. Women are always perfect, never at fault." Took me too long to figure out that I was often dealing with women who would self-destruct like a computer in Star Trek given an unsolvable logic puzzle if the above wasn't adhered to.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/05/21 09:02 PM
36

Women tend over estimate what the average height is It's not just height that modern single women seem to collectively over estimate. I saw a youtube clip from the fresh and fit podcast guys a few weeks ago, where they had 3 or 4 'ladies' still in the party years phase (who probably overestimate their own SMV/MMV) in and asked them how much money did they think the "average guy" makes. I don't recall to be certain, but I'm pretty sure the lowest response was in the 6-figures with one of them say…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/05/21 09:00 PM
15

Attraction is amoral. Dang well put. Added to my list of truisms.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/05/21 08:46 PM
14

Most women would argue that "life is supposed to be fair" and are rather upset if you insist it isn't. Of course their definition of 'fair' needs some scrutiny....
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/05/21 08:46 PM
23

Most of the other commenters already cover this, but I'll add my own voice: The true extent that a guy's height matters to a woman is something they collectively will NEVER admit to, and conversely short guys are incredibly disadvantaged when it comes to dating and mating. In my 20's I knew 2 'short' guys, also in their 20, rather well. One was a co-worker/friend who was 5' 4' and the other a high school friend of my (now ex) wife's who was 5' 2". Both of these guys were 'slim' builds i.e. they …
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen29/05/21 08:43 PM
5

She doesn't have to settle. She can have all the cats she wants.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen24/05/21 12:34 AM
8

She forgot her credit cards and cash in her "other" purse. Ooops...
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen21/05/21 02:58 AM
1

You ask a really good question, and in the interest of not writing a 3-volume book series, I didn't go into how that worked for me. I'm happy to try and explain that to you. For starters, I felt that I had not given up on marriage altogether and still believed it possible. I had a great example in my own parents who not only are at 55 years and counting, but still LIKE each other a lot and it shows, which gave me hope and ideal. But given that for most of my 1st marriage I knew it was a mistake …
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 04:33 PM
2

I was meeting these ladies mostly online, and then some by referral/friends of ladies I dated. A few notes about that: 1) I set aside my shyness, fears and got aggressive about meeting people and dating. I had come out of a long marriage that had been a dead bedroom for years - finding out it was only dead for me, while my ex had cheated up a storm. I understood for the first time that being rejected was NOTHING to fear, especially compared to some of the hell I went through with my ex. 2) I was…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 04:29 PM
1

If you're not ready yet, you're not ready. One thing that is part of every man's needed self-improvement is the ability to end something or otherwise walk away rather than 'give in' if you know it's not what you want/bad for you even though the other party is nice, etc. You have to love yourself enough to put your well being and happiness first - otherwise how can you be the best possible man for the other person?
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:40 AM
3

The truth is that even almost all of the most 'glamorous jobs' are just jobs, and after doing them a while, especially along with the grind and commitments of daily life, we catch ourselves wishing for freedom from them. There's also the stress difference between staying at home being a houswife and going to work everyday for some big corporation. One gets in trouble for coming in 30 minutes late, the other not. One has to worry about annual performance reviews, playing politics and getting fire…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:27 AM
5

Very true. I watched a middle aged youtuber a while back who ran the exact same dating profile 3 different times, but changed his status between 'lifelong single' 'divorced' and 'widowed' - divorced and especially widowed got WAAAAY more attention.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:08 AM
11

boy was she angry we weren’t sticking and she had to somewhat work for a living. I find it really interesting the general difference in expectations between men and women when it comes to this. (insert 'many' and 'not all' in front of men/woman as needed) Men are socialized from birth that we are going "work and provide" our entire lives. The message is loud, clear and consistent. Women are socialized from birth that a man (or someone) will be there to provide for them (and their kids), and desp…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 06:05 AM
13

Some advice from a man 10 years older who went through the same thing in his early 40s... Dating has not been difficult. Compared to dating in my late teens/early 20s, dating in my early to mid 40s was like being the cheerleader who joined the Chess Club. Everything was flipped in terms of difficulty. Like you I was in good shape and making the effort to take care of myself, making good money at the time (~$175k, but not sure if I would have called that 'great'), and was being told by at some of…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/21 05:56 AM
3

But the real question is refi, should I be signing? WHO is on the current Mortgage??? You need to understand that the mortgage is separate from ownership of the house. I.e. you can be the only person on the mortgage and she can be the only person on the title. (ignore that the mortgage lender has a security interest in the property for right now). If both of you are on the current mortgage then moving to only you on the mortgage is probably akin to slitting your own throat in terms of leverage i…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/21 07:54 PM
2

No. You don't want to even try and do that. If anything, you open a second account at another bank, along with a PO box for any statements, bills, etc. Some reasonable steps for a man preparing for divorce are to: 1) Decide what outcome you want to achieve. May sound obvious each situation may have some unique complicating issues. Draw up what an ideal post-divorce situation would be for you, then work backwards to figure out what you could compromise on and what's a hard line in the sand. Don't…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 08:43 PM
1

Here is an important question: What is your savings/liquid asset situation like? The reason for asking is that when you file, you are entitled to half of what's in all the accounts and assets. The question is - "Is that enough to fund the divorce process and disruption it will cause?" When the flag drops and the divorce is "GO", you can and should immediately move half to accounts only you can access. Many guys are blindsided because their spouse immediately takes ALL the money out of joint acco…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 07:04 PM
5

Give her all the rope she wants. Hold your ground firmly. It's important that she learns that you won't give in anymore. She was probably used to getting her way when married (via giving you a load of crap and making life miserable until you gave in) and it will take a while for her to realize that doesn't work anymore. My ex still tries the same crap she used to pull 15 years ago and it hasn't really ever dawned on her that I gave in back then mostly for the sake of the kids, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 01:03 AM
52

it's completely unrealistic. But best for ratings, advertisers, making $$$
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen06/05/21 03:37 PM
1

She's making clear who will wear the pants... and the strapon.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen06/05/21 04:45 AM
5

Per details on tmz.com - she filed and they've been separated a while. saying no prenup, but maybe there was one back in the 90s?
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 01:37 AM
10

Wasn't that Sheryl Sandberg, author of 'lean In', etc? Ahh here is it... “When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects o…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen03/05/21 05:00 AM
31

Yes, this one was a bit too 'by the script' for me. In real life, after one spouse wants the marriage opened up, the marriage usually explodes within a year or so. The other spouse often agrees to it, because they don't really feel they have much choice - i.e. the alternative is a threatened divorce and all the downsides of that. People tend not to appreciate how much unrelenting pressure a wife often puts on her husband - pushing every button and trying every manipulation and making him miserab…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen12/04/21 02:21 AM
1

If you are both on the deed or mortgage have it written that within 10 days of the divorce she will execute a quit claim deed Absolutely everything in the final decree/settlement that involves her doing something needs a clearly spelled out time limit and due date. Otherwise I can guarantee you she won't if it hurts you and not so much her.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 05:48 AM
2

She's is well aware that she can drop a nuke on you with a false DV claim. You need to treat her as a threat to your life at all times. Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence And realize that she may have friends, a lawyer, or even family telling her she can get more from you faster by pulling a false claim. Record EVERYTHING. including phone calls (put them on speaker and whip out the recorder). And sadly, as I heard my divorce attorney first hand, even that isn't enough to…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 05:45 AM
5

You might want to read: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/21 08:27 AM
5

I've got one of those (2nd time around, had to get RP because of my first one). A nice girl who was something of a 'plain jane' growing up overseas (parents were military) and looked down on by the fast crowd. She is traditional, grateful for what she has and values it. She laughs as hard as we do, if not more, at the women showcased here when I share one with her, and feels zero sympathy. Correction.. negative sympathy. usually mutters something like "got what they deserved"
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen09/03/21 07:28 AM
2

I'd talk to an attorney about a modification if possible to remove any clauses giving her the ability to meddle in your future affairs. You've been railroaded I think. If there are no kids involved, you should be be moving on with separate lives. As vindictive as she sounds I'd be putting my money on she had an affair and is upset at you for not being cool with it and thinks you should pay her until you die, and then for another 50 years.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 06:35 PM
4

Every year? No. Alimony should be set at the time of divorce. Child support is often a fixed percentage of net resources, but isn't eligible for re-evaluation unless the payers income changes by some amount and/or a set number of years have passed. My first thought is that it is being done to hassle you post divorce - your ex has an axe to grind and wants to grind it for as long as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 05:05 PM
16

Sometimes they have child support and alimony, or just child child support, and while it can be crippling to the ex husband, it's usually no where enough to keep the single mom in the comfortable lifestyle she believes she is entitled to. Child support is usually set by a formula in most states, and things like providing health insurance coverage, etc are often included in the calculation. In Texas for 2 kids the formula is 25% of the man's net resources, so bringing home $4000 a month? Off goes…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen27/02/21 06:29 AM
22

My second divorce lawyer was also a woman. In a small county in the south, and she was a 'good old gal' plugged into the local good 'old boys network of county government. Think like ex-Texas governor Ann Richards. To this day over a decade later, if the topic of going back to court is raised with my ex (since my youngest is still under 18) - which is usually on an escalation ("if you think you deserve more child support go take it up with the court and all discussion needs to go through {my law…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen27/02/21 06:13 AM
22

Was thinking that.... but today.. you can't be sure.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen24/02/21 09:31 PM
1

Consider that it was the work of 5 academics... 4 of which are women.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/21 11:11 PM
2

Take a look at the entry for your state at http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ - see if it says anything their preferred way of splitting custody.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/21 08:42 AM
3

The difficulty can vary by state as the laws on the book are different. Where are you located?
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/21 07:45 AM
19

12 more support payments to go here...
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen10/02/21 09:05 PM
5

The mental disconnect is damn strong with this one.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen10/02/21 09:05 PM
8

I agree with splitting it along custodial percentage and I've always paid at least 2400 a month. I would like a little less hassle every other year when my non-working ex tries to claim them on her taxes despite my having signed 8332 forms for that year.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/21 07:37 AM
6

I'm not holding my breath on this one. Non custodial parents are too easy to demonize and equality for them doesn't fit the social justice narrative that so many in Washington are currently are giving lip service to. I've seen some other commentary about this being paid for by repealing the SALT deductions, which is going to piss off a lot of people.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/21 07:31 AM
4

The reality of divorce is now 50/50. I'm going to disagree a bit.. In a LOT places, divorce still does not start with the idea of 50/50 custody, but still has enshrined the concept of a primary (aka winner) and losing parent. Some places, Yes they want 50/50, but many places No. And there are incentives to keep the status quo.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/21 05:37 AM
5

Welcome to the club, you get one free t-shirt and a decade of payments.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/21 06:31 AM
10

Be aware that the game is rigged. Once she lost respect for you, however she defined that, NOTHING you do will ever be good enough, even if she needs to get an electron microscope to find the flaws. What you are experiencing now is a control tactic to keep you on the defensive and distracted with trying to please her (impossible). Do you best to remember things and keep your things neat, but constantly remind yourself that it's good enough for today. You're doing this for you, to become better, …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/21 09:45 PM
8

Since the time period that show was set in, as a society we have had more big structural changes that have impacted 'gender roles' for lack of a better term, than at any other 60-year period in history. Things like Birth Control, Women's Legal Rights, Government Assistance, Medical Advances, etc, etc. And I think it's correct to say that not everything has worked out 100% for the better, and would also assert that many things are "in flux" and will continue to change and evolve. Some really grea…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 04:43 AM
4

Unfortunately, it's often par for the course. My ex had behaved exactly that way before as well. She want's what she thinks she is entitled to 'Right Now!' and it doesn't matter a whit that external forces may be at play because "That's not my problem! it's yours! gimme!"
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/21 02:42 AM
3

Saying this may put me into territory that is frowned upon around here, but I do believe that overall we hold women, especially younger women, to a lower standard of telling the truth and consequences for not doing so compared to men. So especially in the area of inter-relationships communications there often is a presumption on a woman's part that she has free reign / that it is "ok" to manipulate the truth, given how they've been raised/treated so far in their lives. As for boys and men, they'…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 03:21 AM
2

I remembered her mentioning "if you don’t like how something turned out you can just tell yourself it went differently, and if you do that enough eventually it becomes true” What are you doing marrying my EX anyway?? Holy crap that is one of the biggest ongoing issues I (still) have with her - either she retcons the past in her mind, or she believes something that is blatantly not true because she wishes it were so. I also was very, very, very stupid when I was young.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 03:08 AM
3

You ex is bad news, and you're right to insist on hard no contact. It's not unusual if she has a narcissistic personality for her to think that she has some ongoing right to both know about your life, and to meddle in it, even though it was a firm breakup. My ex is the same way, and many other guys report similar. Also note that she likely considers it a 'goes only one way' sort of thing. good luck, and glad you got your mom onboard.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/21 02:37 AM
11

And have spouses who are happy with their traditional-style choices (low N-count, skipped the party phase, decided to be happy with what they have) and view and laugh at these profiles.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen10/01/21 08:06 PM
1

She didn't say "bro", but she would say that I got it wrong and it was actually xxx all the time. When I tried to explain how I felt or throught, she often would go "No! You are feeling / thinking ZZZ not XXX" I was under constant bombardment of manipulation.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen09/01/21 04:26 PM
1

Like others have said, check out better bachelor, coach gregg adams, etc on youtube and you'll find plenty of videos about online dating, etc. Now, I think I've identified a primary reason why online dating has become so bad for most men. The advents of "apps" based dating like Tinder has reduced the "friction" (effort) of 'matching' with someone to about as low as it can go, while simultaneously increasing the apparent supply, and removing the perception of competition. I borrowed the term "fri…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/21 03:35 AM
4

The over the top manner she uses is deliberate to give her 'plausible deniability' if she gets called out for it. My ex used to do this ALL the time. She was convinced she was made of teflon.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen08/01/21 08:47 PM
2

There's frequently truth behind jest. This is what I was going to say. She lays clear her aspirations, and there will always be a simmering under the surface if she 'settles' for less.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen08/01/21 08:43 PM
12

Some men are 'having the conversation' with their sons. And believe it or not, some moms are too. (I've witnessed both). It's not easy to get through to a young man about to go off to college. They are full of hormones and ideals to go with their inexperience. At that age, you have to present the information carefully, make them feel they have stumbled onto the truth themselves that there's a trap out there, but not to tell them they have to be suppressing their natural desire to go out and mate…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen01/01/21 11:25 PM
3

If it sounds a tad... triggered.. it was. And I apologize. I had to deal with my ex this morning regarding my youngest child. Just another year to go...
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/21 07:10 AM
4

After getting physical distance from my abusive, cheating, rubbing it in my face, threatening, ex wife I was orders of magnitude happier. It's not just "happier" but 'healthier' - I was able to walk around my own place (tiny apt) without fear. It was not being constantly ridiculed, belittled and subject to constant stream of abuse designed to manipulate me. "I was able to breathe freely again" is a good way to put it. The only downsides were losing full access to my kids and the hundreds of thou…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/20 10:14 PM
2

This is why I earlier said the discussion of topics that could be considered RP are so tricky here. Yes, the risk-to-reward situation for men getting married has shifted to being less favorable for men. But inexperienced people shouting out absolutes (in order to get views+monetize) doesn't belong here. And the whole topic is off point for this sub (it's for men facing divorce, not men contemplating marriage).
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/20 09:16 PM
5

I have come to believe that there are differences both from how our society is structured, that come with our built in programming and stem from how we raise+socialize each gender, that encourage women to not only consider themselves not responsible, but feel that they must maintain and project a "good" social image to everyone including themselves. Or that conversely, that men are encouraged from multiple vectors to 'take responsibility' more than women are. The old adage goes: We get more of w…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/20 12:13 AM
2

It is the way of the internet, and especially reddit. Certain viewpoints are both 'more correct' in the current social-political and have legions of people with too much time on their hands looking for dissenting opinions to "correct".
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/20 12:08 AM
1

Have you read this? http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ It's a study + ebook done by 5 academic researchers (4 of whom are women) that asked questions and presented scenarios to over 150 Family Law attorneys in all 50 states. I hat to say it, but from your description of events so far, you are not fighting a rational opponent. She likely has re-written history in her mind to believe that you owe her not only more money than you will ever make, but to compensate her for the years she wasted because …
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/20 07:42 PM
2

I have to be. When it comes to one's children, you can't let yourself get caught up in the games an ex plays or stoop to their level. They are innocent in the matter, even if they have been told lies and put in the middle of things. And it not any adult's place to put them in the middle. When you go through mandated divorce counseling, that point is stressed. I'll be honest, it has torn me up some times wanting to refute false things that their mother has told them. But no good would or could co…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/20 10:23 AM
3

My thoughts: If your economic situation permits, you want to be close enough to your kids to get all the opportunities you can to be with them/do stuff with them/etc. If your ex is a danger to you, you want enough distance between you and her to make it so she can't easily impulsively go after you if in a rage, while drunk, manic, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/20 03:39 AM
3

The kids haven't moved out yet, though one is over 18 and I have just 13 more payments to go. Mom has made them very 'dependent' on her, living at home with her new hubby. She's going to take a hit when the payments stop (she has never worked) and I expect her to try something to prolong them, but I've already prepared for that, and it's unlikely that will happen. I explicitly fought for and got no college commitment in my decree - it was too much of a blank check and too far out in the future t…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/20 03:37 AM
2

I moved out of state, mostly because I had to, and a bit for my safety. I would NOT recommend it to anyone. My divorce proceedings started in 2008 just before the economy seized up. The company I worked for, which had offices in multiple states and headcount over 1000, suddenly went bankrupt and I was jobless. The funding pipelines for other companies in my industry shut off and other firms went under or majorly downsized. My area was hit really hard. If there were any positions open, there were…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/20 02:27 AM
16

Even worse is when you are doing forensics on old computer equipment and learn that 1) there were a lot more 'others' than believed and 2) they were on the scene way before you left. I now measure my hate for my ex in orders of magnitude...
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/20 12:00 AM
3

Can you also pull her credit report to find out if there are other accounts she is hiding? Sadly I fear you are on the receiving end of an irrational vendetta by her and her mom. (which is not that uncommon in a divorce).
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/20 07:54 PM
1

Major stress like that can cause fluctuation in your blood pressure, which could impact vision.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/20 07:04 AM
10

I feel conflicted about this. I feel that some of the basics about male vs female behavior and motivations that the RP stuff covers are spot on, and removed from any particular ideology. But there's other parts - stuff about aggressive gaming of women and things I feel are just too far one sided and rooted in negativity. And some things are being lumped in with RP that I don't think belong there - like the basic philosophy of MGTOW (given dating trends for young men, and I have a teenage son I w…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/20 01:46 AM
49

I realized this 35 year ago after getting dumped in college for an 'older, more successful' guy. A girl that sticks with a guy before he 'becomes something successful' is rare and valuable thing, and a guy is more likely to treat her that way.
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen11/12/20 09:11 AM
29

The article doesn't address a few things, but I can confirm first hand that the headline premise is correct. I'm a bit older now - mid 50s, but a bit over a decade ago, thanks to fb and a few trips cross county back to my hometown which I had left behind decades earlier, I reconnected with people I went to high school with including a bunch of gals. Surprisingly (or not), more than half of them were single. This was mostly your honor society crowd, i.e. those expected to make something of themse…
/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen11/12/20 09:07 AM
2

She wants the house. I want to move out. But she doesn't have the credit score / income to move the mortgage to her name You got a problem here. You need to light a fire under you ass and have your attorney help you map your way out. Your STBX has an interest in the house and any gains from it, but zero obligation to pay for it. She's in a position to screw you over, and based on your other post she's willing to play dirty. Here's the thing - the judge can aware her the house in it's entirety an…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/20 09:14 PM
1

is she the type that that just believes she is going to get 'her way'... 'just because'?
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/20 02:55 AM
5

If she is as you describe, odds are very high you are about to get blindsided big-time by her. She's probably counting on you being in a funk and expecting to have you on the defensive the whole time. Also, you have 2 children to protect. You need to prepare for war, as in you are about to be hit with Pearl Harbor soon. Get an attorney immediately. A couple real common move by women in your wife's position is to move all the money she has access to, to somewhere you can't touch even though it's …
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/20 07:29 PM
3

We're in the same boat my brother, just that my kids are older. My ex would always use the kids as some sort shield, knowing that I wouldn't retaliate in a way that would harm them - and she would go out of her way to make it seem like they would be. She'd always be bad mouthing and complaining about. Nothing quite like picking up your 5-year old son for visitation and having him blurt out "You don't give mommy enough money!" I had to go as hard-line as possible on her. I detangled my finances f…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/20 04:41 AM
4

she chooses not to pay it and buys motorcycles and whatever else instead. She won’t refinance it, even when she was working. She has disclosed plans before to stop paying the mortgage, save all the money and move and abandon the house. The situation is fucked beyond belief. Ok. It's time to stop being a nice guy. She's decided that she doesn't need to follow the terms of the divorce decree when it comes to you. If she has the means to pay, but isn't, that's a big middle finger to you. She's "mov…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/20 02:56 AM
1

Whose names are on the title and on the mortgage(s)?
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/20 10:51 PM
1

MA has had the reputation for the worst lifetime alimony. A few years old, but probably still useful: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ State specific sections where they discuss specifics of the law ask the same questions/scenarios to divorce attorneys in each state: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Massachusetts http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Connecticut also, please read the section on domestic violence even if you don't think it applies to you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/20 07:21 PM
2

if she opened an account in your name that you didn't know about, you should treat it as identity theft going so far as to file a police report. There's a good wiki on dealing with it in r/personalfinance It happens with people close to us (spouse, parents, kids, etc) way more often than most people realize.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/20 01:51 AM
2

Consider going so far as to close the acct entirely, and open a new one at a different bank. Have you changed ALL your email and online passwords for anything financial (bank, credit card, amazon, paypal, ebay, any e-commerce, etc) in case she figured them out while you were together?
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/20 01:39 AM
3

She's racking up charges on your credit card and bank account, even though you had the accounts changed? Need to find out how she's doing that and shut that crap down ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/20 01:30 AM
3

OP. Listen to this. Worry less about the mechanism by which you will meet new partners and much more about having yourself and your world together when you do.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/20 04:03 AM
1

If you want the most beneficial to you situation, try working up a spread sheet with info as close to as accurate as you can, and see what the difference is. If she's making a tactical error based on some delusion, and it's going to cost her more, let her. Your attorney should have an idea what you will get or pay based on state laws and the specific judge / court you dealing with your case.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/20 11:35 PM
2

All he needs is for her to convince herself that her bottom line will be smaller with a protracted fight rather that a quick one, and if her greed exceeds her need to win some sort of imaginary revenge. I would think that's easier done in states where asset division and support is pretty cut and dry. Dumb doesn't hurt though - my ex had a friend trying to help her parse our settlement and upon sitting down with the details her eyes glazed over and she declared "I'm tired, I'm going to take a nap…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 10:52 PM
1

If you think she'll listen, then in a moment of calmness tell her this "There's something important to realize here - you get to decide how much money is left over to split. Lawyers are expensive and they like to do things that fatten their bottom lines, and are happy to indulge you if it makes them more money. etc. " and lay out how much $$$ is potentially at stake by going to war and end with "do you want that (50% of $xxx) to go to you, or to your lawyers? it's your choice." Appeal to her gre…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 06:41 AM
2

Dang. explains some things though. Can't blame you for down shifting a decade and a half early. My ex is still pissed to this day that she didn't get lifetime...despite remarrying less than 2 weeks after the last check cleared. Saying she harbors a few delusions about it is understating things. I hope you aren't dealing with someone as out of touch with reality.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/20 06:37 AM
1

Does it have a max duration, or could you be looking at lifetime alimony?
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/20 05:56 AM
2

The best days are yet to come, my brother. I'm proud of your growth.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/20 04:08 AM
1

How is Alimony handled in WA/King County? Does it follow some guideline or formula, or is whatever the judge can be convinced to authorize?
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/20 03:18 AM
1

Normally, Id say that if you can refinance for a sufficiently lower rate, say under 2.5 percent, and the costs are low enough to recoup the fees and points in under 3 years, I'd say go for it, as it's totally unclear what will happen to rates after the elections. However, you need to consider 1) are you actually going to get divorced, and 2) if you divorce, do you want to keep the house. If the answer to both of those questions is "yes", then you got an interesting situation, and you absolutely …
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/20 02:52 AM
2

Been there, got the t-shirt and the false accusations of bad things(tm). While it's not every divorce, nor every woman, it's a surprisingly common difference along gender lines. Most men tend towards both being logical, and having been taught since birth to 'accept their lumps, and move on' when they screw up. The ladies seem to have gotten quite a different message and often tend towards the emotional and vindictive, holding on to a narrative that doesn't have to be grounded in reality while pr…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 10:43 PM
1

Par for the course, unfortunately. She wants you to suffer (a lot) and pay for what you did to her - wasting her time when she could have spent those years with the new, 'tru luv of her life'. She doesn't respect you and is annoyed that she has to deal with you, and that you get something that 110% belongs entirely to her (or so she says) - involvement in your kids lives. She's going to continue her war of attrition and annoyance against you for far, far longer than makes any rational sense. If …
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 08:30 PM
1

Texas is one of the absolute best for limiting spousal support (alimony), especially if you have been married a while. Child support is also a fixed formula with an income cap, with little no room for exceptions. I absolutely recommend doing it in Texas if you currently reside there. If you move is your spouse moving with you?
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 12:20 AM
2

Waaaaay later than I should have. For all the various reasons. In retrospec, my only regret was not doing it sooner, even though I had kids with her. Yes it's painful on that front, but it's painful later on too.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/20 12:18 AM
8

she is a criminal mastermind who is going to take all time with kids + all ownership of house + all money + put my dog to sleep. That is probably only half of it. You need to be making plans, taking action, and appearing to her as if you are clueless and doing nothing. Absolutely do nothing to tip your hand as much as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/20 06:26 AM
1

Hey NW, Hope you have been hanging in and ok there this year!
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/20 02:55 AM
2

And she will ultimately have to pay consequences for that. You can't control her, just you. Keep being the rock and example to your kids. In the meantime, I know you're feeling overwhelmed, but you need to prepare for the storm that is coming.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 10:57 PM
1

You need to be making (quietly) preparations - not just to protect yourself, but to protect your daughters. You may feel beaten down (you have been worn down by her) and just want to ignore it/feel so tired, but they (your girls) are going to be hurt by her and you can and should help protect them and their interests.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/20 10:55 PM
3

Wait. Are you actually divorced/divorcing here, or is she just leaving you guys and moving around? I ask "are you being declared the custodial parent by a court?"
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/20 07:29 AM
1

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/20 05:23 PM
6

My ex was honestly shocked when I found the strength to walk away. She really thought I would be happy to stay forever in a 100% one-sided (for her) situation.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/20 04:04 AM
2

My ex had spent us into near BK when we split, got almost all the remaining assets and left me with all the debts and $5K a month in support. That wasn't what chaffed me the most about her (unfortunately too common) super sense of entitlement: It was that she felt that she was honestly entitled to anything I earned, achieved or was gifted post-divorce. My new, post-divorce, employer had several nice perks, one of which was taking the whole company on vacation for a week (I certainly couldn't aff…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/20 08:24 AM
1

Do you feel that you were 'isolated' by your wife? i.e. had to give up your friends for her?
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/20 07:02 AM
1

It's a common tactic. the goal (whether she is conscious of it or not) to keep you always off balance and playing catch-up. It keeps the heat and focus off of her because you "never kept up your end" (of pleasing her). You are in South Africa? I am unfamiliar with the divorce laws there, but I guarantee your mental (and physical) health will improve drastically once you do not live with her and can put boundaries on her.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/20 06:37 AM
2

Hate to say it, but you were a means to an end for her, and now you are just someone to be "managed". You don't interest her beyond what you provide for her real priorities. You need to mentally detach from trying to please her (the goalposts will always be moving, you can never possibly do enough and if you do the definitions will change). Until you do that, she will keep jerking your chain around - keeping you off balance and trying to please her is a way of managing you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/20 02:35 AM
2

In many cases, it is kinda hard to enforce - guy dies and there is nothing left, but if he has a lot of money - say older rich dude divorced by young pretty thing, you can see how his estate would be gone after. I saw an article about 80-something woman in Massachusetts taking her 82-year old ex husband (divorced well over 30 years prior) to court because he stopped making alimony payments - he couldn't work anymore as his body was giving out. She was livid and furious at not getting what "she w…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/20 07:28 PM
2

You filed in TX, so a court/judge will issue a final decree of divorce in Texas. That decree will spell out the amount and duration of payments you will have to make, as well as the division of debts and assets. Texas doesn't not have Alimony - they have 'spousal maintenance' instead, which is capped at either 5 or 7 years for long term marriage (the idea being it lets her 'get back on her feet' but not 'support her for life'). If you were in some other states, you'd be hook paying until she die…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/20 07:02 AM
1

hey dday, Be sure to add realworlddivorce.com to your resource list, but I'm pretty sure you already have it. I often link the section on the Domestic Violence Parallel Track to guys in need. I liken the reaction from reading it for the first time to the Matrix movie - specifically the start of the lobby shootout scene where the guard sees Neo's guns (the DV link) and exclaims 'holy s++t' :)
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/20 07:00 PM
2

Were you a co-signer on the student loan debt? if not, that stays with her (because the education is not divisible - it's all hers). Move half your funds where she can't swipe it ASAP - but you're already doing that and the other things. Your main concern is her going crazy when she is served and knows that you are serious. Until then go radio silence on what's coming soon. Act like you forgot about it, etc if possible. By 'going crazy' I mean that you don't want her making false allegations tha…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/20 05:14 AM
2

I know - my ex is the same way :) Still, a sharp attorney pushing "best interest of the child" might really deal her a setback...
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/20 01:51 AM
2

Seems like the ex's complaint of 'too much time' in the car for the q weekend a month would actually support a longer period of visitation. right now it's ~8-10 hours in the car, which is 20-25% of the weekend or so, and her moving will make it longer. If he could get a full week, it would only like 5% of the visitation time. Just saying that's an angle that would be "in the best interest of the child". And given the virus situation, the kid shouldn't be going to school around other kids, and an…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/20 08:31 PM
2

no. Nothing wrong with that. It's much more of a concern if she has kids living with her, and her motive for dating might be to find someone to help parent them or provide for the household. Not that such is necessarily a bad thing to choose to do, but rather it might be an ulterior motive that is not overtly disclosed.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/20 02:57 AM
5

From my (and others) personal experiences, this is more about her need for control over you and extracting some sort of ongoing 'revenge' than it is about 'the kids best interests'. I can guarantee you that she doesn't believe that the equivalent restriction should apply to her. She's pissed at the idea of you having a spine and a life of your own that she doesn't control. /u/dday_throwaway3 is spot on about the "morality" clause. If she really wants to go there, she has to be subject to it as w…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/20 10:32 PM
14

Have we looked closely at the messages from society that girls are growing up with today (and the messages today's women have been given)? It's not so much overtly said, but rather woven into so many things. From the "you can have it all" to "you deserve xyz just because you are are female]" to the "you will get a pass on your behavior and consequences [because you are female]" to "The mother is always right and deserving when it comes to [anything related to children]", we've been getting a gen…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/20 05:11 PM
2

OP: Please head /u/ciscokid12345 's warnings and prepare yourself against the possibility: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence "Your typical divorce plaintiff wants four things: (1) the house, (2) the kids, (3) the husband's paycheck, and (4) freedom to spend time in the house with her boyfriend," said one attorney. "It might take her two years to get to that point in the family court with accompanying legal fees. She can get there in a day through the domestic abuse system, probabl…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/20 04:18 PM
2

You might need to hold the threat of going after it to get cooperation for a smooth break. Was there someone else providing motivation for her?
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/20 09:43 PM
2

I will second checking out the Pacific NorthWest.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/20 08:26 PM
3

I had to move away for work (Divorce was in 2008 and my area was decimated with layoffs and I was jobless). If you don't have kids to worry about, I think it's actually better - a clean break and new chapter in your life and puts literal distance between you and her. The only problem tends to be Alimony and if she keeps trying to drag you back into court for more money, etc. You have to make sure you are notified and show up for court or have your attorney there for you. The upside is that it ma…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/20 08:25 PM
6

One thing that seems very common is that the wives are much, much, MUCH more concerned with what everyone they know thinks of them and what they know about what really went down. To that end they will start up massive spin and PR campaigns, not just with "her friends" but family and "your friends". They'll usually start this well before D-day - as soon they are pretty sure it's going to go down (even if the husband has no idea yet). They usually have no problem retconning and pushing the envelop…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/20 08:21 PM
5

What is the saying? "Living well is the best revenge..."
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/20 08:18 PM
3

I've had co-workers ask me "what does that mean?' after hearing it from their spouses. My personal observations so far mean "I found someone else" 100% of the time, though it's possible that it means 'it's just not working out' (without someone else in the picture)
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/20 09:03 PM
7

This... and DO NOT ENGAGE.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/20 02:26 AM
1

Pretty common, unfortunately. Absolutely in no case can she allow anyone to think she might have been anything but the poor victim. But your son knows what the score really is - that's something a lot of dad's don't get.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/20 04:07 PM
2

ahhh. You need to get with the program comrade, and report for indoctrination. Facts have no place in a world like this.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/20 04:05 PM
2

Hold the course and keep an eye out for another attempt at an RO or even a DV charge.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/20 01:15 AM
4

In a few states, you have to have a set separation period before the divorce can take place. Depending on the laws where you live, this might matter, so you need to check. Really it comes down to if the two of you can be civil about it and let each other live your own lives. Some STBXs absolutely can't and will make your life a living hell many times over when they see signs that you are living independent of them or their ability to control you. Other's won't care and just be glad the situation…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/20 01:13 AM
2

I remember your earlier post(s). Sounds like you are handling it correctly and keeping your attorney fully informed. Sadly, the "action plan" listing you as 'abuser' is pretty much par for the course. With the standardization of the Duluth Model and DAVA act, there's funding behind promoting a one-sided DV model - witness the number of shelters for men (hint: you will only need one hand to count). Ditto for the risk to put you in a position to be arrested on false claims, evidence be damned. It'…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/20 12:49 AM
2

talked to my oldest about this and she tells me her mom has been rattling around the family for years about how she’s going to “make me pay” at some point Good Lord. Nearly 2 decades and she can't let it go. It's going to feel good to have the tie finally severed. Wishing you well through the process!
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 09:23 PM
7

This is a sobering read: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence TL;DR - In the family courts, the domestic violence laws/system can be exploited as a tactic to gain the upper hand -- and often is.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 07:23 PM
2

I realize now she was always going to do this so we might as well get on with it. She may not have always known - i.e. she never bothered to think much about it until the end was near. But this is a steady stream of "other people's money" and (I am guessing) combined with a righteous sense of "being owed" much more than you have paid out. When it comes to 'free money' even via shady means, people are willing to pull just about any sort of sh*t to get it and keep it coming. Spend some time in r/p…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 07:18 PM
5

I can't stress how much better I felt having the strategy/situation review call with my attorney more than a year ahead of time. I've got a timeline of what to do and when and what I need to have in terms of ducks in a row for it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 05:07 AM
8

Unfortunately, his ex is addicted to the income stream it sounds like and with the end of it looming, she's willing to lie (as noted by OP) and throw anything against the wall to see if it sticks. A good family law attorney had seen this 100x before, and knows the particular court, judges, the state laws and likely the ex-s attorney, and will know how to deal with it. It's annoying that he needs to do that, but this is one of those time you need a professional to shut that sh*t down and not miss…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 03:16 AM
7

You've followed your decree and support order to the letter and cent, no? Let your attorney handle this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/20 01:37 AM
2

You are probably in for about 5 years of alimony @ 25% of your net income. half the duration of the marriage. End it sooner, the sooner you recover.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/20 07:01 AM
2

10 years is often the point at which it goes (can go) from alimony for a set duration to lifetime alimony (in CA for sure) - don't wait -- you need to contact an attorney ASAP, and more importantly do it on the down-low. From your description of the situation if she get winds of it, she'll run to her attorney and try to blindside you. Read up on this as a starting point: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Oregon (some of the laws may have changed) Said she would fin…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/20 06:59 AM
1

At very minimum (pun intended), without anything else to prove she can make more, Minimum Wage should be imputed. Normally, the counter argument put forth is that "the kids need full time care and can't be left alone - that's my job" .. except your kids aren't in preschool, etc. But, your oldest is nearly 18 and youngest around 14? they should be able to look after themselves just fine while your ex is working. If she claims that, you push back that she clearly is saying that the kids are self-s…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/20 05:15 PM
1

Good point about the mind games. OP needs to establish and hold mental frame all through this. One thing that is surprisingly common that guys don't pick up on is that many women get this idea in their heads that once they get married and have kids, they don't every have to work again - and that it is "just the way it is".. and that once the kids are out of the house, they get 'to retire' and be supported by hubby, even if he has to work his ass off another 20-30 years. It's some sort of long de…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/20 05:11 PM
2

From: https://legaldictionary.net/imputed-income/ The term imputed income refers to the treatment of an individual’s income as if it is greater than what he is actually earning. While income may be imputed for a variety of purposes, from taxation to healthcare, it is most commonly used in reference to the determination of child or spousal support in family law matters. For example, if the court, when calculating child support payments, finds that one parent is unemployed, or underemployed, earni…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/20 04:23 AM
1

In some states, it is indeed. Usually the marriage needs to be considered 'long term' which usually is over 10 years duration. 98.17% of STBX-wives believe it is a real thing, and get pissed if they don't get it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/20 04:21 AM
7

My ex makes sure my kids are too busy or distracted to call me on my birthday. My current wife spends her own money, and has gotten me stuff like 1) Front Row Center tickets to Weird Al, 2) P1 subscription to PermiumTom, 3) An evening to guest DJ at my favorite local radio station. Guess which one I met after taking the Red Pill...
/r/MGTOW19/06/20 04:17 AM
3

If your ex won't work, you should look into having income imputed. Actually, you should insist on it. Your kids are old enough to not require her constant care and supervision. She'd do it in heartbeat if you weren't working, and unless she has some legit reason for not work like a real disability (separation anxiety from your wallet doesn't count) the court should deem her capable of going out and getting a job. What/when was the last job she had?
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/20 04:11 AM
1

So the judge is on to her crap? Would that same judge be willing to sign off on a restraining order against her? I'm sure she'd ignore as 'the rules don't apply to her' (in her mind) but it would put it in worse situation in the court in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/20 05:25 PM
1

The college part has always perplexed me. If mom and dad are still together and they just don't have the money to send kiddo to college - or they chose not to support their choice - then that's that. But if mom and dad are divorced, I don't think the NCP has to pay whatever the cost of college is (which could be astronomical), but rather the existing formula based CS continues. I guess its based on some theory that the child is somehow still dependent. Now, if the NCP lets a blank check for coll…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/20 10:08 PM
2

Yup. There's actually a legal term for it - I believe it is "superior rights". As in the children of divorced parents having superior rights than the children of married parents -- at least in terms of the state family law courts. The loophole of course is that support payments do not always go directly to the child - they still go the custodial parent. They can be amended to go directly to the child in some states, but I am unsure if that is possible in all states. Many custodial parents will d…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/20 05:41 PM
4

I'm well aware. The standard decree language in my state gives allows for CS to continue until 19 if they are still in High School, but right now he's already in position to take the GED with time to spare. I actually paid for an hour of consultation with my attorney about 6 months ago to go over what to do as these milestones approach. There are some states that will enforce child support during secondary education (NJ goes until age 23). Massachusetts is even worse - it can go until the "child…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/20 08:31 PM
2

This is far more common than people know. Be lucky this was limited to 12-24 months, and not 18 years of child support. I have seen far too many recipients of child support -- which are typically women -- claim that any payment made to them was a "gift" so they can use the Child Support Enforcement Agency as an extortionist service to double dip. What worries me is how desperate to extend it some recipients can get when the end of the child support payments approaching. My youngest is 16 and a h…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/20 07:52 PM
3

Fair enough. What it most important here is that you have Paternity Certainty. A lot of times guys have thought they had it, but didn't. She doesn't have to be cheating for what /u/dday_throwaway3 said to be true - that she still likes sex, but just not with you. What a marriage situation like yours does though, is make it easier and easier for her to cheat in the future - you're busy working so she can blame you for not being around to help with the kid, etc and generally transfer her unhappine…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/20 12:54 AM
5

Should I just book a ticket and drop the bomb? Should I do this gradually? Should I stay because maybe it'll turn around? /u/dday_throwaway3 is spot on correct - the moment she knows you're thinking of divorcing, she will go on the warpath, and she WILL fight dirty - you are most probably not ready for it. You need to keep this totally under wraps until you are ready to pull the trigger. seek couples therapy Here's the problem - she already has what she wants - a baby and you to pay for it and d…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/20 12:49 AM
2

check into fault based divorce in Alabama - Your uncle is wrong - given the length of your marriage, TX would assigned up to 7 years max of alimony (called spousal support).
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/20 07:55 PM
1

I am amazed how often an STBX - who cheated on you - thinks that you dating someone after the divorce is underway, but not finalized, is somehow worst than committing genocide. It's an unfathomable leap of logic in their brains. My ex was/is just like yours in this respect. It's totally irrational, but history says that she. just. wont. let. it. go. ever. Because you have kid together I think she believes she has a right to dictate what you do down to the last millimeter. Add in jealousy at bein…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/20 12:19 AM
1

It's broken and an ex like that will never give up - I should know because I have one. One thing that will happen is that when the kids get older they will have their own devices to facetime or call with. Your ex seems super concerned with controlling both the information your kids get and give to you, as well as having a way to use it against you. In the early days, whenever my ex would get pissed at me, it would be a solid week or more of "the kids are already asleep" "they don't want to talk …
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/20 06:16 AM
9

Really, really great reply. The only thing I would add is you are now playing 'the long game' with your kids, and indirectly everyone else you know. This is where you 'win' (if such a thing is relevant) by leading the better life and being the better person.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/20 04:38 PM
11

It sounds like at least you don't have kids with her. Her anger came from what could have been if she hadn't married me. Man, is this ever a common theme. Consider that "what could have been" was a maybe at best. maybe, if she busted her azz and had luck fall the right way, but there are no guarantees in life, yet so many wives who decided they want out dream up some reality-TV worthy vision of what they were destined be if lousy old you had not came along and tricked her into a life that was ab…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/20 10:29 PM
3

Oh jeeze. Massachusetts can be one of the worst states for a man to get divorced in. You need to read these 2 links http://www.realworlddivorce.com/Massachusetts (some details may not be fully up to date) http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence You're looking at 8+ years of trying to be seriously involved in your kids lives. You're going to have to take a hard line and realize that you are in a super-serious conflict where you are going to have be very careful about anything that can im…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/20 03:25 AM
2

Where abouts do you live? (you don't have to be exact) How old is you son? Serious questions as I have tried helping a few friends with this type of thing before. If I can put $ and years parameters on it, it might suggest some options over others.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/20 02:40 AM
16

she got a protection order, kicked me out, coached my son to initiate a dcyf case and ended up forcing me into supervised visits, No. No. No. and HELL No.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/20 02:38 AM
3

Whew! Too often, they'll try and convince you that it's yours.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/20 08:33 PM
7

Just making sure - she's an 'ex' and not 'soon to be ex' ... i.e. no way she could try and pin support for the kid on you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/20 05:21 PM
4

Don't. Just Don't. - at least not yet. The reason is that it's almost certain to send your STBX into an absolute rage if she thinks it will eventually turn romantic. She may be fine with divorcing you, but it's almost certain that in her mind no other woman is allowed near you in that way, and to do is an affront to her somehow. because she’s manipulative and a liar. You have kids involved? She'll be screaming to the court that other women can't be around the kids because she is a danger to them…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/20 04:28 PM
3

I was young and stupid and kept thinking if I just tried harder things would work out. Truth is, I knew in my heart that I shouldn't have married her in the first place - I just thought so low of myself that "wlep, this is the best I'll ever do..." But yes, the red flags were there so clearly it looked like a May Day Parade...
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/20 11:21 PM
2

Worth reading up: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ and specifically: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence "Your typical divorce plaintiff wants four things: (1) the house, (2) the kids, (3) the husband's paycheck, and (4) freedom to spend time in the house with her boyfriend," said one attorney. "
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/20 07:33 PM
9

very lucky. No kids? No Alimony? Not many people get a do-over.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/20 12:42 AM
1

It's interesting to me just how much and how strongly Men's Rights and anything considered "redpill" is attacked, vilified and denounced. Ignore all the stuff relating to PUAs, 'scoring' and the like and focus on the core observations of how and why people behave the way the do, and the differences they have, etc. and what you're left with is the intersexual relationship equivalent of the "Standard Model" of Particle Physics. It doesn't explain everything, but it explains and models most things …
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/20 04:01 AM
5

Unfortunately, you are going to be whatever serves her interests in that given moment, for a long time, probably forever. It's been a decade, and I still hear about this with my ex from my kids. (I have been involved in the creation of several well known entertainment properties - My ex brings that up when it benefits her to do so) post-judgement support (fuck no-fault by the way). 'She cheats, You pay' is doing wonders for current and future marriage rates.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/20 02:51 AM
1

Wants an order that states I'm not allowed to speak of what happened that caused the divorce in any media Let me guess... she was trying out for the Olympic Double Monkey Backflup Team? I'm sure she has already told everyone far and wide HER version of events.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/20 07:14 AM
3

Women love to do this kind of crap and think that all the frivolous minutiae detail will somehow play a part in your divorce. Seriously. A lot of them have this deluded idea that the judge is going to see that you forgot to give the kids dessert once, and sentence you to 100 years hard labor in the salt mines for it. That's it's somehow like a parent playing favorites with disciplining small children and they are there to 'settle scores' for her. Not only are they not, but they've lost count of …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/20 07:13 AM
3

As already pointed out, a couple key things: 1) It can't have anything to do with children, custody, child support, etc. - the children aren't party to the agreement and are considered to have rights of their own. 2) Use the prenup to protect and define what you have coming into the marriage and take them off the community property table if you split - this includes property such as homes, cars, but also things like valuables such as your great grandpa's silver dollar collection 3) It's also imp…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/20 07:04 AM
5

Likely she has a new partner, and her head is in the fog.. literally. Major rush of dopamine and other brain chemicals and she's believing 'she's finally found her true self' or somethings like that and right now wants to run off and start her new life (which she believes is going to turn out to be the wonderful she thinks she wanted all along). The problem is that it (the rush of someone new) wears off in a few months - that's the nature of how the brain processes it - as a way to facilitate pa…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/20 07:14 AM
5

We have a generation of children of divorced parents who are now adults and many of them actually noticed how it destroyed one of their parents (usually the father) and say "not for me"
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/20 07:47 AM
3

She's playing you - you are her backup plan while she tries to find a better situation with another guy. Get to a lawyer of your own as fast as possible, and move out half of your money/finances to somewhere she can't access. DO this fast but do NOT tip her off as to what you are up to. She is 8 steps ahead of you, and you are about to get shafted unless you get a move on protecting yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/20 07:46 AM
3

This is the best I can think of. You are playing the long game. The problem with an ex that has custody AND an axe to grind, is that they can and usually do keep up a steady stream of low key anti-you propaganda when you aren't around. If you try to drag it out of them what was said and refute it, you're just making things worse, and as soon as they go back to the other parent, your refuting will be refuted. In many cases, the ex has a burning need to come out 'victorious' in proving that you ar…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/20 01:06 AM
4

Step1: Go online, and/or ask anyone you trust who may know to find not just a Family Law Attorney, but a good one, in your area. The laws regarding your situation vary from state to state AND are also dependent upon the judge(s) who handle the cases - they have a lot of latitude and their personal biases and tenancies can impact things. So what you want to do is consult with an attorney that a) knows the laws in your state/county and b) is familiar with how that usually play out in your specific…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/20 10:48 PM
2

I'm assuming you have since secured all other documents and items you don't want to lose. (my ex pulled some crazy stuff like that)
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/20 04:59 AM
3

Mostly all you can do is record and document and not allow yourself to be alone with her - where she can push your buttons and make claims that are he said vs she said. It's unfortunate that the party willing to play dirty can exploit flaws in the system to harm the other, and especially that when it comes yupr situation that the laws and procedures used by the government are biased against men (look up the 'Duluth Model' if you are not already familiar with it. tl;dr when the cops are called, t…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 03:00 AM
4

There's a lot of games she can play to try and get the upper hand in the divorce, and it sounds like she is already doing them. Read this please: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence Then, as much as possible, force all communication to be via email or go through your attorney. In addition, you may want to video record all of your interactions / children handoffs, as well as make some videos of what you do with the kids while you have them. If she insists on phone calls, let them all…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 02:16 AM
2

Is that just me or are women really like that? Yes. Many are, and i think there are social/sociial reasons for it -- i.e. it's historically been a form of power for them (inside the family unit), perhaps compensating for a lack of physical power (relative to men) and social/legal power through the years.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/20 11:43 PM
2

I noticed this tendency with my ex. Things said innocently years prior would be twisted and trotted out to be used against me in any way she could. Context would be invented. It seems like women are more likely to invest in their verbal and social manipulation skills, but I'm sure it isn't exclusive to them. I wish more people knew (going into relationships) that it's a serious red flag behavior to look out for.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/20 11:41 PM
1

You mentioned before that she won't admit that she had a part in screwing things up - that to hear her say it, it's 110% your fault. Not only is that no way to live, but it's a sign that she has a burning need to appear blameless, the victim, a good girl. (even if no one she tells it to wants to hear it). She's used to pushing the blame off on you, and this is a way for her to get more ammo to keep that up. I could have written the above about my ex. Even to this day she day she persists (we hav…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/20 03:46 AM
3

She's up to something; Remember "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?" I think she wants access to your facebook. What she thinks she will find I'm not sure. Something to use in court? or maybe just something to push your buttons with? Have you retained a good (shark if you can) Family Law attorney yet? If not, you need to get one soon, get filed (first to file can be important) and set the terms of the next steps. Looking at your other posts, she checked out and you tried to save t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/20 01:42 AM
5

Understood. Keep being the best dad.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/20 01:22 AM
6

Are the kids old enough to have a say in where they live? Might be time to let them tell a judge where they'd rather be.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/20 11:20 PM
12

She is seeing dollar signs. It's not unusual for a STBX to be 100% convinced that you have more assets and income than you actually do, as well as be ignorant of things like how taxes work, etc. i.e. She knows that your salary is $120k/year and therefor assumes that means you get a $10,000 check every month.. forgetting about taxes, and health insurance premiums cutting that down to $6900 a month net, and thus fixating on numbers that aren't real.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/20 07:17 AM
6

A must read for any man about to start down the divorce track: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/20 07:45 AM
4

You need to talk to a good family law attorney in your state about your specific situation. A lot can vary from state to state, and if she is in an other state that might complicate things.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/20 10:17 PM
4

Apologies if I came off too defensive. I've posted the link in the past and had people vigorously reply accusing me of being some incel MRA spreading lies in an attempt to discredit the fact that gender equals guilt. I really should stay off of reddit for my own sanity.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/20 07:57 PM
7

Is there a counterpart framework that explains women's abuse/violence against men? Nope. Are you sharing so he is aware how to defend himself against accusations of domestic violence towards her? Yes. Please read the following for an analysis of the situation: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence And if you are going to be another person accusing the above of being fabricated because of bad men reasons, please note that the entire study was created and written by 5 academic researche…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/20 04:18 PM
2

Very true.. and.. 1) there's not much the courts are usually willing to do (jail for contempt is about all they have) to try and force the assigned party to do what they were told do 2) The lender is under no obligation to refinance the debt, especially if the assigned party doesn't have the credit rating, down payment or income to meet their approval or underwriting guidelines. Contract law is NOT overridden by family law. A common case is where the ex-wife ran up a ton of debt on credit cards …
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/20 04:18 PM
8

How do we divorce with a pile of debt. You could represent yourselves, but that's super risky and can't be recommended. Some lawyers will make accommodations or payment plans - you need to ask. In terms of splitting the responsibility for the debt you've accumulated in a divorce, that's part of the divorce process to be worked out between the parties and the judge. But there is a HUGE fatal flaw with that. The people you owe money to - the bank, the 401K administrator, the credit card companies …
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/20 01:50 PM
1

As another escapee from a dead bedroom (for me, not for my ex-wife as I would find out), there is a lot of hope for your future relationship(s) being more fulfilling. I know this first hand and wish you well.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/20 06:52 AM
2

Typically, for short marriages, it's no more than 1 year of Alimony/maintenance for every 2 years married. Depends on location a judge/court of course.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/20 06:47 AM
3

The purpose of Alimony, or Spousal maintenance should be to provide enough support for the low or non-earning spouse to transition to being able to provide/earn enough for themselves to live independently. This may mean affording for the spouse to go back to school to gain credentials or a degree, or to provide sufficient time for the spouse to secure employment. It shouldn't necessarily mean that the spouse, once single, gets the same lifestyle and standard of living that they had when they wer…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/20 06:44 AM
5

Ok, looking at your posts - she already knows you have seen her texts, etc because you confronted her, but now with the lockdown in place, and she's acting all nice and good for now while she's stuck at home. listen to /u/NohoTwoPointOh - what you really must do is play dumb/unobservant to her activities and not tip your hand that you are thinking of divorce. I'm sure she wishes that things were like they were before you found her out, so if you act like it, she's much more liable to buy it and …
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/20 06:47 AM
1

Also: Interesting video on Title IV D Child Support -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRTUCOxANWk&t=71s
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/20 06:51 PM
2

I did it out of necessity. Divorced in '08 right when the recession hit my industry, and in my state especially hard. The company I was working for (National, several thousand employees total) suddenly went bankrupt and out of business, and I was unemployed. My STBX had depleted all our savings and assets in the years just prior. I wanted to stay close to my kids but there were nearly zero jobs to be had and hundreds of laid off guys competing for those same jobs. At the same time I was facing m…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/20 04:22 PM
2

Take EVERYONE's advice to lay low and keep totally quiet about this - don't let your ex have any idea that you are aware she's engaged, but get any evidence that she's putting herself out there as such, while you figure out what actions, if any, you will take. If she doesn't know you know, act dumb. If she does know (like she told you directly), act bored, disinterested, etc - never tip her off in any way that you are wanting to end alimony. Normally I don't advocate such a hard line, but this i…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/20 05:34 PM
10

same thing /u/4agreements said - what does your divorce decree say? Some will have language about alimony ending when she cohabitates, some won't. ALL should have language about Alimony ending when she remarries. See this page for more details: https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/living-together-book/chapter8-6.html • Most states will authorize reduction or termination of alimony upon cohabitation only if the cohabitation significantly decreases the recipient’s need for support. •…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/20 04:47 AM
2

Only 80%? She must have gone soft :D My ex got a number fixated in her mind, and didn't bother to check to see if... you know.. that it might be GREATER than my entire after-tax earnings at the time.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/20 01:51 AM
4

Of course the do .. when the fairy tale life they tell everyone they are having has failed to come true for a long enough time to be noticed. It truly perplexes them "life isn't fair" and they didn't get their dream existence without putting much (any) effort into achieving it. Will they admit it? Based on my observations to date, the answer is somewhere between no way and never. This pattern you are describing happens so often it has become cliche. I've come to believe that there must be some b…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/20 01:49 AM
9

This! The problem, or risk to you, is greatest when they a) have nothing to lose, b) plenty to gain and c) Have fully checked out of the relationship or otherwise couldn't care less about you.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/20 05:27 AM
6

It's probably up to her to accept what you offer. If you do that, this is a time to use maximum negotiation skills and beat her at the mental game - you need to make it seem like you are perfectly happy for both of you to stay put in the house. Otherwise she will push and push and push for more and more for her to accept. Chill for a bit. Formulate a plan to make an offer. Deliver it casual and cool like you barely care.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/20 04:40 AM
1

Unfortunately very true. And I'll bet a lot of exs/stbxs who like screwing with/over the other will be shameless in taking advantage of it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/20 03:16 AM
3

It took a few years post D, and I had already begun detaching and working on my escape plans well before the ink dried on the decree. Though I missed my kids terribly, I enjoyed living on my own again. It would have been even longer I think, had I not met the gal I am with now. I did enjoy casual dating, but I was clearly in no rush to get seriously involved and more than once had declined advances by ladies wanting to move faster than I was ready for. It was quite unexpected to meet the future …
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/20 04:01 AM
7

Consider telling her something like "I'm thinking yes, but there may be a snag. Give me until Wednesday or Thursday to confirm that I can do it/have the full amount/etc" -- and use the time it buys to talk to an attorney and run it by him. If she presses you as to what the snag is, try and have something already made up that she'd buy / can't double check like some other debt issue, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/20 01:46 AM
5

Not only the fog, but even it was only a month ago that the "other" happened, she probably was mentally checking out of the marriage and dreaming up her post-you life many months earlier. So to her it has been a while. Also, she may believe that because of vaj-jay she can do no wrong on anything parenting related and her farts smell like roses.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/20 03:51 AM
3

Just understand that it can be regained, but it won't ever be exactly the same. Not trying to be negative - just saying after what you've been through there is an element of "what has been seen can't be unseen" to it. You're going to have a more critical eye going forward, and see some things you used to ignore or not catch. Some people you're going to have a lower opinion of... but that enables the flip side - you will find some other people you can respect and admire even more when you see how…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/20 09:06 PM
3

So far she's refusing, depending on the alimony I pay. it's apparently not enough for her living expenses, so she's going into debt Story of my ex. I gave her a HUGE front-loaded settlement that gave her 3 years to finish her degree and get certified as a teacher (should have only took 2 years), she got a new house, new car, most of the furniture and personal items and most of my retirement account (needed for her to get the mortgage), and all of her debts paid off. I was paying for the insuranc…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/20 06:35 AM
2

One question would be if she got a new bank account since separation (or one he never knew about) and isn't admitting that she has it (since she's already lying about working, it's a small step).
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/20 06:26 AM
4

I don't know about her wages, but they probably would be required to respond to a verification of employment query that your attorney could put together. i.e. "we need to confirm for matters of court record if Mrs Copperpot, SSN 123-45-6789, of city, state has or is currently working for your company, Doordash, as a contractor/delivery driver, on or after the date of Jan 1, 2020 as part of verifying her employment history. All we need is confirmation, and the date range of employent/contracting …
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/20 02:52 AM
2

Sense of Entitlement. Our society has been filling their heads with it for a long time, telling them they are better just because they are, not what they do, how they behave, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 07:08 AM
5

You need to go consult with an attorney NOW! If the shoes were reversed, and you just wanted to bolt to greener pastures, a judge, and likely the laws in your state would have something to say about trying to abandon someone disabled. If you can't go by yourself, can you get a friend or other family member to help and take you to a consultation - without saying ANYTHING to your wife - Radio Silence as you need to prepare.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/20 07:06 AM
2

For those interested in why the child support system is the way it is, this video gives some background into the formation of the federal incentives involved. Title IV D Child Support
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/20 03:13 AM
1

If you get the promotion, you could ask for a delay before the raise takes effect until after the divorce is final. I don't think the raise should be a big concern unless it is significant.. over 10% or so. However, you should be concerned if you are making substantial more than you could easily get anywhere else. If you lose your job, and are unemployed or the new job pays less, you'll have to file for a modification to lower your child support based on that, and it can often take many months d…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/20 10:58 PM
6

that 20% - 25% for 1-2 kids is based on your gross income, but paid with after tax dollars, and you don't get any deductions for it. For the average get getting divorced we can use an effective federal tax rate of 25% or so (not counting state income tax) and that comes out to 30% of gross earnings (22.5% / 0.75% take home net)
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/20 10:55 PM
3

She said that technically she doesn't have to pay me back for the credit card because it's under my name because we had a joint account. that may be BS. If you and your lawyer can show that ran up the debt and absconded with money in the run up prior, after things were set in motion, it may count as her half of the community property. Again.. ask a lawyer. go to one NOW, don't wait. Also, how is the return being sent? electronic or paper? If you can intercept it, go ahead and tell her there was …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 05:14 AM
10

She's in the dopamine fog and finds it all exciting. Wall your kids off from that and smile inside -- it'll wear off eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/20 01:55 AM
3

A start to get an idea about the process might be found here: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/NorthCarolina It sounds like a separation period is needed and it could take a year to get the process completed. You need to make a plan and checklist - it sounds like you are lucky in having fewer things to fight over than most. I'm assuming she'd be happy to move out/move on?
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 04:18 PM
2

Despite having kids, honestly "never marry" would be the correct answer. Any eventual kids would have had been spared a lot of crap. Or course it all depends on how one views how such a quantum mechanics defying event would work...
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 12:44 AM
2

Demanding an open marriage under threat of divorce and not ever seeing my kids again (one side arrangement of course). To this day she tells people 'He agreed to it, so it wasn't cheating' as if holding a metaphorical shotgun to my head meant I was freely complying. ( I was able to use the time period after that to work on physical separation and get some of our financial affairs in order ).
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 12:42 AM
2

A good Lawyer might be able to argue that her loan payoff was 'her half' because of a concrete existing plan that both parties had agreed to. It'll probably depend on the judge though. Worth having the discussion with a GOOD (read shark) attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 12:40 AM
1

It wouldn't be the first time. Friend of my got remarried in his 40s, and during the honeymoon phase got tricked into co-signing on student loans for her teenage daughter. Kicked to the curb a couple years later and found out just how one-sided she had arranged things.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/20 12:38 AM
7

Hey there - good to see you are still hanging in there and not giving up. I appreciate the update, and I'm tottaly there with how you are feeling right now. You are depleted inside. The. Fight. Was. WORTH. IT.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 06:35 AM
3

If you are an even semi attractive dude in your 40’s, in decent shape and with a decent job...... You are a unicorn to divorced women. This is real. I got to experience it when I got divorced at 42. It was like the world had flipped upside from when I was teenager/early 20s and I (felt) I was invisible to women (one of the reasons I got with my ex, sadly was my low self-esteem and self-image) Key takeaways I had: At 42, I was coming into my own in many ways - sparked in no small part my by bad m…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 05:37 AM
1

I didn't make any of it up. Unfortunately it was crazy enough that I still find myself triggering on the memories every now and then a decade out. I supposed that when you are in a dysfunctional relationship, it's easy to internalize that it's not so bad and get stuck. Looking at your posting history, the feeling that I get is that you and your husband are pretty self-aware and have each others backs. The best blessing i can think of is when you and your partner actively nurture a healthy dynami…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/20 05:45 AM
4

Has anything been filed yet? What state are you in? how long married? Kids? Trying to get an idea of what you would face if it all goes down.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/20 06:00 AM
2

I still have to deal with her on child related issues, and when I come to get them for visitation. I can go weeks without hearing from her, which suits me fine. I'm unfortunately long distance from my kids; it was either that or unemployment, and she'd have me back in front of a judge in a heartbeat to complain about that (I would get angry calls when the state AG office took a day longer than expected for the child support to be deposited in her account). I wouldn't say it's totally unfortunate…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 11:59 PM
1

My current wife has boys of her own from a prior, and I think you and her would see eye to eye on a lot of things. I wanted to be clear that I wasn't painting a whole gender - just that the differences make it easier to bring that out in some, who for whatever reason of birth, DNA, circumstance, etc, are more succeptable to growing the attitudes in the right situation.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 09:09 PM
1

Her mind is an interesting place. BPD, etc.. Seriously, during our marriage she would hear a fragment of something, get an idea in her head of how she wished something was/would be, and then upon later being confronted with having it all wrong, would go ballistic that reality didn't bend to her fantasy worldview. If our first kid had not come along when she did, I woulda been outa there so much sooner. My fault for being super stupid and thinking I was worthless for marrying her in the first pla…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 09:06 PM
2

OP - consider /u/SmoovMove 's comment - it could be possible that your STBX wants to play nastier than the attorney was willing go along with. Being a bit paranoid as to what she might be up to could be a good idea.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 07:17 PM
3

The important thing is that we learn that this is just the way they are, and not let the blame for their bad behavior stick to us, and that it's best to move on from such people.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 07:15 PM
2

I have my theories as to why this sort of entitlement seems more common in ex-wives than ex-husbands, but it'd probably take too long to do it justice. tl;dr - Some of the ways our culture treats men and women differently from birth results in growing those aspects of self-centered / entitlement / lack of consequences more often in girls than boys.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 07:14 PM
2

Good for you. You sound a lot like my current wife. Whom my ex hates with the burning of a thousand suns. We actually are very careful to avoid letting her find out how well are actually doing, as she still seems to believe that our success is somehow due her and stolen from her. And when she does find out things, she tries to find ways to somehow use it against us. To give you a feel for the crazy, here's a couple of things she has said to with a straight face in the last couple years to me (ou…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 07:09 PM
16

I've seen this before... in my ex and the ex's of many men. And congratulations on the small victory and sticking through with it - taking the long view and not giving up on here. Here is what I think is going on with his ex: She is holding a grudge inside of her against your husband and he has to pay. This is the only game, the only way she has now to extract her 'justice' against him - though their daughter. But no amount of 'paying' is going to be enough. It's not rational, and never will be …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/20 05:37 AM
1

I think it all depends on your ex wife and how she presents things to your kids. While you are not there she could very subtly work on alienating you from your son, or she could be supportive of keeping the bond intact. I had to move away as I got laid off during the last recession, and had to choose between being unemployed with no jobs locally and huge court ordered support payments to make, or take a dream job that paid twice what I was making. I flew back often enough to have over 50 overnig…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/20 08:52 PM
1

Oh, I totally get this. My ex was joined at the hip to her mom (who lived nearby), and her mom seemed to think that I would be sentenced to toil away in the coal mines and have 120% of everything I earned given to my ex. I later found out she actually was covering for my ex when she met up with a high school boyfriend. Her mom was one of those super straight-laced on the outside but no issue with deception on the inside types. Recovering a bunch of her emails that had been unknowingly synced (ap…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/20 03:14 AM
2

Do you have an idea of how she views her future over the next few years? You can try and play into that ('this way lets you do xx which you want to do/if things go as you expect you'll be ahead in the long run/etc)
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/20 04:43 AM
2

Thank goodness for small things. Many wives after they have a kid and stay home for a bit renege on their promise of going back to work, without concern for the impact on the family.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/20 04:39 AM
2

There are a lot of us that fit that specific description. It's my theory that there are several factors that increase the odds of the wife straying in that particular demographic. I sure have seen it happen in much the same way to a lot of my coworkers (and myself) over the years.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 11:54 PM
3

ouch. I feel your pain there. Let me guess: code wrangler with a SAHM who needed some strange?
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 07:29 PM
2

Good point about lump sums, but when it comes to alimony, usually what happens is that the ex finds a new guy, moves in with him to his place where he's paying for everything, but they don't get married as long as she is getting a check every month for doing nothing. There can also be a cohabitation clause about ending the alimony if she moves in with a paramour, but unless there are kids under 18 living with her it can be very hard to prove enough to enforce. i.e. she can claim "Dear Judge, he'…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 07:21 PM
3

Honestly, I'd go for shorter duration.. but it really comes down to what she will agree to and be willing to tell a judge that she's agreeing to (and not have her lawyer convince her to bleed her dry and run up the billing hours) Sweetening the short term payout in her favor to make it attractive can go hand in hand with her thinking that her life after you will turn out great and that she'll either land a good job or a good next husband. As you probably know, reality often gets in the way of op…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/20 08:58 AM
1

Unfortunately, she's probably still pissed at you that she didn't "get to retire" as soon as the kids were out of the house. I was honestly shocked and saddened to find out over the years how many wives of my co-workers and others I knew that had that attitude.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/20 01:43 AM
2

It was necessary in my situation to give her around 70% of y retirement account on a deal that was ridiculously front-loaded but short (thank god for Texas's spousal support limits) that let her qualify for a mortgage on her new place. I knew it was almost a certainty that despite the generous alimony and child support (over $50k/yr) she would try and live a much higher lifestyle while she was supposed to be finishing up her undergrad degree. Sure enough, in just a year she had exhausted the ret…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/20 01:40 AM
9

No problem. It's a hell of a shock you are going through. And, in my opinion, betrayed husbands gets much less support and sympathy than betrayed wives. Couple that with adult men having less of a support network on average, and there's our inspiration to reply to you and share the pain and commiserate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/20 06:33 AM
11

One thing you and OP need to do is prepare for battle - and this is really tough because she's got a big head start - time-wise in terms of checking out of the marraige and probably thinks she has a nice place to land once she wrecks your life, all the while you are just now getting hit with it, and having to deal with the pain, confusion, emotions, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/20 06:17 AM
18

Many of us have walked that path before. It's painful as f**k, but you will eventually be doing better. Hopefully you don't have any kids to suffer for her poor choices. Just don't let people put the blame back on you. You didn't hold a gun to her head, and she didn't have the stones to end it with you first before seeking out some strange. In my line of work (tech), I've seen it play out waaay too often among co-workers (I'm pretty sure that's due to the demographics of working in tech) Still, …
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/20 06:15 AM
4

And the #1 answer is.... "I'm having an affair" Seriously. That exact wording is frequently spoken by someone who is getting massive hits of dopamine in the brain from boinking someone other than you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/19 06:21 PM
1

Absolutely not true. I'm going to assume you are here to troll as it's clear from your posts you have an agenda to promote.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/19 10:01 PM
5

In my case I actually told her "I used your soap to wash my balls". Her facial reaction was straight out of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon...
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/19 11:02 PM
16

Or alternately, use her (expensive, special) facial soap as regular all-over soap and not give a flip... (that caused my ex's head to nearly explode)
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/19 07:36 PM
1

start to creep back in briefly. But I realize that I deserve better than being married to someone for whom I am not high on her list of priorities. Eventually I may relocate someplace where housing is more reasonable. Plenty of college towns where you can get a place > to live for a few $100K. I might even decide to shift down and get a normal job that's not a high paying pressure cooker, as long as it has health insurance. That's the kicker for us older high(er) earners, isn't it? We (current w…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/19 07:34 PM
1

As I understand it, back dating the official date of divorce for tax reasons is really tricky, and requires meeting several requirements. It can't hurt to have an attorney/accountant who has dealt with it before make sure that it's done just right.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/19 07:31 PM
1

At least in the US, the consequences for falling behind on making child support payments can be pretty harsh, especially if your ex is angry. Since you are just in the 'considering' phase, please consider this idea - set up a secret account (or maybe a 'business account' or something that won't get split in the split) and attempt to squirrel away enough money to cover estimated support payments for 6 months or so. i.e. set up a buffer that will survive asset division that will smooth out the irr…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/19 08:29 AM
1

I agree. You came out ok given the duration of the marriage. The main thing is that any of your preparations for slowing down and retiring as you move into your 60s have been likely been reset. Plan on taking some time after the divorce is final to rebuild yourself mentally. I know from your other posts that you've already kinda processed it because she's been checking out for years, but it will feel different once you are 'free and done'. During this time, give a lot of consideration as to how …
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/19 08:14 AM
3

I have a recording of my ex (on my phone, had a recorder app), explaining in detail that she was going to do #4 to me unless I agreed to her demand of the hour (more money right away). She spelled out it like Bond villain giving the exposition of their master plan, naming names, etc. I took it to my attorney - who was very good - and she was thrilled. I asked if I could go to our police preemptively so they would know any accusations from her were false and her attempting to extort from me. She …
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/19 04:21 AM
1

If you are not in a mental place to be comfortable with One night stands or short term FWBs, then Don't do it. If you aren't comfortable breaking things off if she becomes 'too attached, too fast', then don't do it. If you are going to not like the person you would be if you 'just used her for sex', then don't do it. I encountered more than very sexually forward woman when I was divorced in my early 40s. Think the female equivalent of sending unsolicited dick pics. I pass on most of those so tha…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/19 04:13 AM
1

Divorce in middle age has the potential to literally set a person (usually a man) back decades in terms of progress towards financial security, asset & wealth building and preparation for later in life. It's also a point in time where many men's careers and thus their earning potential has begun to plateau. Add to that a slowing down as the body ages and shows signs of wearing out. Given all those factors, the stress to make more money, more quickly is usually heightened.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/19 04:07 AM
1

Is she your wife, or ex-wife? the title isn't clear If she's your ex, I'd check with your attorney on this (assuming you like and have confidence in your attorney), as they will know the court and judge and how they are likely to see anything. Mention to your attorney about going to OFW as others have said and see how hard they think that will be. As for your (ex-)wife's behavior and sense of entitlement... It's classic... and not that uncommon. My ex never worked a day in her life and feels tha…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/19 05:57 AM
2

It happens. As long as you are drawing a breath, you have the ability to learn and grow and do better/understand better and make better decisions in the future. My first marriage was... bad would be an understatement. Twice the 'drought' was over 14 months. To this day she denies that happened (because it was a drought for me only it turned out). For as much that went wrong with my first marriage (and lets be honest - it was my fault to get married and stay married even after I knew it was a clu…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/19 03:54 AM
8

Dating at 40 would be a nightmare. No problem living alone I actually kind of like being alone. Going to add a counter point to the other replies. I got divorced in my very early 40s and dating was great. Suddenly I got to be the 'hot girl in the chess club' - quite the reversal from my teenage years. I went about it very maturely - I worked on having my s**t together and being firm about things and independent, but I also had a blood great time, until I met Mrs Lost. Actually, I had a great tim…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/19 01:14 AM
6

Last year she got tired of me bothering her for sex and told me our sex life id over and to just accept it W.. T.. F.. ??? She proudly calls herself the dream killer. Are you serious? She would destroy everything you own? Because your would dare to leave her? Prepare to go deep radio silence and being making exit plans. You need to get your gonads back and move on and escape this prison and warden.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/19 01:09 AM
2

In the US, it depends on the state. It's possible in Massachusetts to be stuck with child support until they are 26 (in addition to lifetime Alimony).
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/19 04:57 AM
3

listen to /u/no_prnd - in the majority of cases women are the gatekeepers to decide if they will have sex with a guy or not. I am assuming she was not raped, so she no only made a conscious decision to have sex with him, she decided to ignore the vows and commitments she made to you and your family. So please stop thinking of it as a situation where she was a passive participant with no say in the matter. As for men - and males of most species of animal - at genetic / DNA firmware level - we are…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/19 09:49 PM
2

I don't know that you need to hire someone to do that. There's a lot of info online so you can start to do your homework. Start at http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ to get ideas and talking points. And while you are at it, carefully consider your STBX and what you know of her - what she wants, her situation both now and likely after, what she is liable to fight for, what she is liable to agree on. Keep notes. And then make worse case scenarios. If you have kids, give a lot of thought to their nee…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/19 06:00 PM
3

I have one. They are in short supply, and you, as the husband, need to be grown up, have your stuff together and on your game as well. A lot of guys who get married have no business signing that contract, regardless of who they are marrying.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/19 08:14 PM
1

It can be. I did it. But we.. the both of us.. have taken a good hard look at what makes our peculiar specific situation work so well, and the situations of all the married people around us and.. well... For a majority of people, in this day, age and society.. it's not a good or safe deal and I wouldn't recommend it to them.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/19 08:12 PM
2

Unfortunately, that personality type often will never.. ever.. let it go. It's now a bitter grudge against you that holding on to has been made part of her identity. To admit defeat or that screwed up to herself would be akin to one of those computers in Star Trek, when presented with a circular logic puzzle that can't be solved, start to smoke, spark and then blows up.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/19 08:09 PM
1

Was your attorney able to give you any guidance? This may be out of date in spots, but is still probably worth a read: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/SouthCarolina (as well as the non-state specific sections).
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/19 06:35 PM
3

Ok. Two more things you should know. (and maybe you already do) 1) In the early stage of an affair.. (or regular couple coming together) - there is a ton of Dopamine being dumped into the brain to facilitate pair bonding in the first 6 months or so. Often referred to as "NRE" or "New Relationship Energy" aka the 'honeymoon period'. During this period everything seems better and more intense with the relationship. When it comes to infidelity, it's commonly referred to as "the fog" (as in the chea…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/19 07:53 AM
2

My biggest goal is to make it as easy as possible on my daughter. Potential pitfalls? Here is one: In wanting to do so, your wife could use emotional arguments and her knowledge of your tendencies and weaknesses to try and manipulate you into accepting a lopsided deal that's not in your favor. If that happens, you are trading away even more of your future time and effort, leaving less for you, and less flexibility to deal with changes in your (and her) lives that in the future that you haven't a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/19 07:11 AM
5

I came here to post the same link. Massachusetts is the #1 worst place for a man to get divorced. If you wife does not see the Divorce coming.. i.e. she's not likely to be thinking about it or file it, I would HIGHLY recommend retiring to a different state. Like Texas. And use the reason "For the Warmer Climate" or something. Establish residency, and use the move to set yourself in a better position for separating assets. If you stay in Massachusetts, you are very likely to be given a horrible d…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/19 07:29 PM
2

My lawyer (a woman) told me she would have another dude lined up and waiting as soon as the spousal support (alimony) ended. I told my lawyer that "no way, she's so adamant about being done with it all, and just focused on the kids". She re-married 13 days after the last Spousal Support check was sent.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/19 03:22 AM
3

You are the best judge of yourself. The idea behind waiting a year is to give you time to pull yourself together and figure out what you want and how to do better than the previous time. That said, you will know when you want to date again, and about how far it should go. One thing you can do if you realize that you are wanting companionship and up for dating now, but not necessarily ready for a lifetime commitment is to set a couple rules for yourself such as "2 years before I will consider liv…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/19 03:19 AM
2

I'm on my second marriage, and it's going better than my first (which I am still paying for) by an order of magnitude. But that happened in large part because I learned a whole lot from the first time, and put it into actionable items.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/19 09:38 PM
2

The 80% / 20% stat is a bit of an urban myth springing from a misinterpretation of data You sort of beat to the punch replying. Yes, it's a bit of an urban myth, but there is truth to it - it's just a lot more nuanced than can be put in a simple sentence. The best way I've found to try and explain it is that there is a very uneven distribution curve in different several areas when it comes to success at getting mating opportunities, and one of them is the advantage that people who are convention…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/19 08:57 PM
2

Although Japan is a somewhat unique circumstance in that the wives were expected to be super-submissive, That's externally. Inside the home is traditionally a very different story.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/19 08:38 PM
8

but she thinks she should get more. It's really interesting how that particular sentiment seems to fall along gender lines. It most places you get downvoted and subject to attacks for saying so, but it's true. Our family law system is out of sync with the times, and culturally we're still telling women they get best of both worlds (who wouldn't want that, until you see the price tag), which makes it that much more difficult for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/19 04:03 AM
2

No vacations in 10+ years, that one is tough because she’ll see her friends posting on FB and living “the good life” which is mostly BS. Thats a problem you can fix, but this is marriage not fantasy island. They will always want what they don’t have. You bring up a very interesting point that'd I like to expand on. I've work in 'tech' and have been since the late 80s, and in that line of work, I've seen fairly homogeneous group of men family/economic situation-wise. Guys who are making good mone…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/19 11:21 PM
1

Is it common for BPD-like behavior to grow as women hit middle age? She's acting in ways that are more extreme versions of the occasional outburst she might have had when she was in her 20's. It's politically incorrect in many circles to say so, but a LOT of adult women in the US have been diagnosed and/or on meds for BPD. When I was dating in my 40s, I would say.. 2/3rds were. Some keep it in check, some don't care to, etc. Your mileage will vary. I'm not trying to be anti-women (and there are …
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/19 11:31 PM
1

I made my statement after noting that you mentioned BDP. My ex was as well, and apparently it's not that rare in middle aged women. (and I noticed that for a while my comment above was downvoted into negative territory - some people don't like that bit of truth I guess). The nature and mechanisms of BPD makes for some viscous mood and personality swings, and if angered she could see going for the jugular as being "very reasonable". Which is why I recommend preparation. Trying to 'be reasonable' …
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/19 11:45 PM
1

You don't need a reason beyond irreconcilable differences, which could mean anything. I would spent much more effort determining if she might go ballistic on you and/or try and play dirty (file for a restraining order, etc) when she learns you are filing for Divorce, and to take steps to protect yourself. I say this because it sounds like she's capable of extreme mood/personality swings (been there, got the T-shirt)
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/19 08:23 PM
3

It's a great deal.. for many women.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/19 06:10 PM
3

Thanks. This is the crux of the modern problem, especially for older men like us (I and OP at least): It just seems like a financially stupid idea in California for anyone with a work ethic, and partner who lacks that. Laws (and expectations) regarding divorce are way behind the times (in so very many ways) There's also a dishonesty out there that's hurt the relationship between the sexes. Women have fought for and won equality in the workplace and elsewhere. And now they're out there in force, …
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/19 06:07 PM
3

I wonder if the prospect of not having her finances scrutinized is some motivation to her to not let your divorce become a nasty fight.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/19 03:53 AM
2

You may have to be insistent on that with the clerks when it comes to actually filing the papers without child support to get them to process it. (from someone else's actual experience)
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/19 03:52 AM
2

I was pretty close to 'never again' for a long while. Somewhat similar story beginning - my ex chose to be a stay at home long before we had kids, and it turns out was cheating on me throughout the entire marriage, not to mention being abusive and eventually physically abusive. I'm still paying child support more than a decade later and my ex continues to be a PITA and make things more difficult and expensive whenever she can. As a running total, my divorce and support payment have cost me over …
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/19 03:48 AM
3

A PreNup agreement can not cover child custody or access. Pretty much anything that involves kids you may have together can't be in a prenup, or it will easily get thrown out. (Basically, the child has rights too, and you can't sign those away).
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/19 06:31 AM
1

It's odd in your state you make the payments directly, most (?) states collect the money and disperse payment to the ex-spouse. That's true for Child Support, as the state also makes some money off of it from the federal govt. Not as common for Alimony though.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/19 01:21 AM
1

Is the info on this page not correct? https://www.divorcemediationtexas.com/blogs/how-get-spousal-support-spousal-maintenance-or-contractual-alimony-texas
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/19 05:02 AM
1

Nope. It's not that strict at all. I paid for 3 years in Texas to a SAHM.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/19 03:25 AM
1

She also says she wants to keep trying. wants it to work. When she says that, it's an admission that's it's not working, but she doesn't have anything better. Remember the joke about the definition of insanity? - doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. You have to look hard and be honest if that would describe your particular situation of "trying to make it work". I lost over a decade to that insanity.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/19 01:45 AM
1

If it's been a short term marriage, that may not be true. For longer term marriages, there is a 5 year cap on spousal support in Texas unless someone is disabled, etc. Child support typically will follow the state guidelines/formulas.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/19 01:43 AM
7

I'll Triple THIS! 2 things that took a lot for me to learn: 1) Marriage counseling will only be helpful if BOTH participants really, honestly, want the same outcome. Otherwise it's like trying to get to the next city over by driving randomly for 3 hours, but then findind yourself driving right past your house... 2) if you have been sidelined and kept in "beta status" she will NEVER acknowledge that. Women in this state have zero issues lying to their partner if directly confronted with the quest…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/19 01:41 AM
9

You get an attorney. That's step one. Do NOT skip step one. And there is no need to tell her you have or are going to until you must. I expect she has already talked to one. Things are going to depend on where you are. Check out your specific state at this site for an idea: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ Many states will let you keep the property you came into the marriage with - some however will give half or more to her. At least you don't have children - so do NOT, under ANY circumstances, …
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/19 04:43 AM
2

Along the line of planting something - a keylogger or spy software on your computer perhaps? Or on the other hand, she could have brought a thumb drive and copyied off any documents or files from your PC that might be of interest to her looking for dirt to get on you for the battle ahead. Maybe account information to get access to your email, etc? If it's a Windows computer and it was turned off while you were out of the house, it's possible to go through the system event viewer (Under Administr…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/19 09:25 AM
3

I'm astonished at the amount of women that breathe the words, out loud, to me, knowing how I resent my ex for this same attitude, their desire to just be a kept woman. Even from professional women. Funny how that goes against the narrative that all women are capable, and want to compete with (and defeat) men in the workplace, and are under-represented in the upper ranks because (the patriarchy). The truth is that a stay-at-home wife (on average) has far fewer stresses than either a man OR a WOMA…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/19 09:14 AM
2

Plan for the worst, and hopefully it goes a lot better than that. If it doesn't you'll be in the best shape you can be given the circumstances. Don't plan for the worst and you could be really setback and blindsided.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/19 04:43 PM
2

And realize that she may get advice from friends, or even her own attorney, that misrepresenting something would tilt the situation to her favor (in a deniable way of course if from her council .. i.e. "It's a good thing haven't told the police that you are afraid of what he might do because then they'd have to automatically apply for an order of protection ...")
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/19 04:40 PM
1

Nope. SAHM who cried and lied in front of the judge. Cost me my kids and a half mil$ and counting...
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/19 11:50 PM
1

I used the term "Town Bicycle" myself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/19 04:37 PM
1

Student Loan Debt should stay with her as she keeps all the benefit of the education. I thought there was significant precedent for this. What does your attorney say?
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/19 02:24 AM
1

What happens is then when he picks up the kids for his time with them, they suddenly don't have clothes, shoes, etc that aren't about to fall apart, whatnot, then tell them "Don't worry, Dad said he will buy you new clothes, etc". Ex's that self centered have no problem making the kids suffer in order to put their ex into a position of having to buy the kids stuff so they don't have to. Been there, bought my kids the T-shirt multiple times.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/19 06:02 AM
2

My ex was a SAHM. ... But the dealbreaker was when she declared herself to be poly and bi Yours too, eh? I was fortunate to divorce in Texas back when they had a 3-year cap on Alimony (it's 5 years now). Lifetime alimony has a friend of mine working toward leaving for another country in a couple years. Can't blame him.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/19 05:58 AM
3

Glad to hear you won the last battle in court. My ex, who remarried 7 years ago (13 days after the last alimony check cleared) last year declared rather loudly to me out of the blue (when I was picking up my kids) "You should be paying me $7000 a month alimony for the rest of my life" I have no bleeping idea what planet she is living on, but apparently she's not alone there. I think there must be some cultural things that some women get exposed to growing up that make them think that once they h…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/19 04:30 AM
2

Document, Document, Document everything. Make sure you have access to prior tax returns showing she recently made more. You could still run afoul of a man hating judge, but maybe you won't.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/19 07:08 AM
1

Make sure that you, through your lawyer, express grave concerns to the judge and court that she will flee with your kids if they are allowed to travel abroad with her, and go about having their passports flagged for possible abduction or enter into the Children's Passport Issuance Alert Program if they don't have any yet. Also, can you have your attorney notify USCIS that she (not you) has filed for divorce (and is delaying it) in advance of her interview in case she tries to BS about her status…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/19 07:03 AM
2

It's not just attention - she knows that if you are feeling sexual interest in her, then you are likely to be more pliable to her requests and wishes. It's a game to her and you are a pawn. If you can, work on achieving a mental state of just not caring or feeling anything towards her (outside of what you need to do for your son of course). That she's now just a stranger you don't wish to know.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/19 05:09 PM
2

As everyone else is pointing out, you are at risk: Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence It will give you an idea of the ways the system can be used against you. Also, nearly all US law Enforcement now uses the Duluth Model - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duluth_model - which says "the person with the Penis is 100% at fault, evidence to the contrary be damned" and if they are called out, will take you away. You're going to have to treat this like a grand strategy game - you…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/19 01:42 AM
3

Custody = Money. Get a Lawyer ASAP. A tough, nasty one. Pursue the what's in the 'best interest of the child' angle with continuity of his situation. She left him with you for over a year. This is a game that you have to play your part to a "T" as often there is a lot of hidden bias against fathers / preference for mothers. Document every interaction - have as many as possible go through your lawyer, and for gods sake, don't show her anything but calmness - nothing that she could twist and use a…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 01:10 AM
1

My total payout so far has been around a half-million, and still running - just under 3 more years of CS payments to make. My ex, of course, made motions like she was going to finally put her teaching degree to work and get a job for the first time as an adult... Just kidding... She remarried less than 2 weeks after the last alimony check cleared. Had the guy.. er sucker.. lined up while she had a couple other 'play partners' in rotation as well. Has yet to work a single day, but boy oh boy will…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/19 06:54 AM
2

Everyone needs to read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence An eye opening break down on how it works and how it's stacked against men. A tiny excerpt: A standard tactic is getting the defendant investigated as a child molester by DCF [Department of Children and Families]," noted a Massachusetts attorney. "In case the social workers don't play along, though, the plaintiff will want to be able to deny that she initiated the process. You should also know about the Duluth Model (h…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/19 06:50 AM
1

oh shit man. I'm sorry to hear that she's playing hardball using the system to abuse you - you're going to have treat everything as hostile conflict in a war zone, and she'll likely try to use the kids against you any way she can. Been there, got the t-shirt and it sucks big time.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/19 02:35 PM
1

Use it as a starting point. It's a few years old now, some laws and details could have changed. Talk to a good family law attorney (are your union lawyers specialized in family law?) to confirm what you are facing and consider all the various other aspects of your situation such as was there infidelity? have kids? have any separate property? marital property? likelihood of her seeking a surprise restraining order? and so on. You should be driving them to cover all bases (they are working for you…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/19 02:01 PM
2

What state are you in? Laws and guidelines vary from state to state. A good start can be found here: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/ It has sections for each of the 50 states where they ask established lawyers in that state about certain common divorce scenarios as to how they will play out as well as some good overall breakdowns.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/19 07:30 AM
4

She's using the system to ruin you and get as much leverage as possible. You need to read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence It's a deliberate tactic, and some lawyers advise their clients to do it. There is very little to zero downside fo her, even if it is all proven to be lies. It's very serious business and you will need to professionally fight it to get it cleared & dismissed - you DO NOT want any of this on your record as it can bite you in the azz later (background che…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/19 05:02 AM
1

It almost sounds like his ex is the Judge's side-piece. Usually in Texas they are sticklers for following guidelines.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/19 11:27 PM
1

There should be grounds to appeal that it needs to be heard by another judge. This guy sounds awful. A (good) attorney would be the one to know how the system works to do that.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/19 11:19 PM
1

Did he present any evidence of that to the judge like bank statements or Tax returns?
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/19 10:15 PM
1

So the judge imputed his income?? Did he ever make more money in the past couple of years? otherwise he need a lawyer to appeal it or get another judge if never has made that much money (in the last couple years anyway).
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/19 10:12 PM
1

Texas has a strict formula for child support. for 2 kids it should be 25% of his net resources.. i.e. $300-375/mo. Did his EX claim he makes much more than he does?
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/19 10:00 PM
1

You're in Texas. Did they not use the 8550/mo net resource cap for your CS payments? (I saw you're paying 2700)
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/19 08:50 AM
1

Can you get a new job in Austin, TX and move there? Job hunt on the downlow and get an offer. Make up a story that you are going to be laid off, or make it look like you got fired, and lucky you, you got an offer from Texas the next week. Stress that there's a lower cost of living there. Time for a change of pace. Austin is full of Cali transplants. etc. Give her no clue that you're looking to split. Yes, it'll take you away from family, but you hardly see them. Establish residency there, and th…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/19 08:48 AM
2

Borrow money or go into debt if you must to get a lawyer. You have an angle to pursue with the ex's BF, but need a pro who knows exactly how the process and system works to have a fighting chance.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/19 05:59 AM
2

in addition to completely neglecting male victims and female perpetrators of abuse. Take note of this part.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/19 05:52 AM
5

Any pointers or suggestions? Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Is there anything I need to do to protect myself and not get screwed over? I know we are supposed to be living an age of equality and all that, but truth is that when yout, the husband of a SHAM or near-SHAM files for Divorce, she will more often (than when the roles are reversed) unleash the hounds of hell on you to fight dirty and gain an advantage, and it will come out of nowhere. In fact they will often try and lure y…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/19 05:44 AM
1

Do you know what it was used for? if was not used for qualified medical expenses, you will be subject to tax and penalties. Had this happen to someone I know and it was a mess. some potential reference: https://www.benstrat.com/downloads/HSA-GPS_HSAs-and-Divorce.pdf
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/19 03:56 AM
7

Not like the it didn't happen. But she's already filed your relationship in the "past" folder. She's not going back and nothing you say will move her, she's not even listening, you might as well be speaking a different language. And don't be surprised that memories and events she put in the "past" folder have been rewritten by her, and aren't as positive and favorable as you thought they were.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/19 04:46 PM
1

Oh man. I am sorry to hear that. But. You have confirmation. Can I recommend staying undercover for now and not tipping her off. Also. Get copies of evidence as much as you can.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/19 08:56 AM
1

Now how did I manage that??? This is one of those tough situations - I did just want to say "dump her", but there's a lot of ways the OP's situation could have gone sour over the years.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/19 06:49 AM
1

Some of us, like me, are coming from personal experience where we only found out after the fact just how much our spouses had been cheating, and even worse - disrespecting and trashing us. So do remember to filter for that. However, that said, I do stand by the things I think you should look at. Like if you are receiving less basic respect from her than a stranger would get.. that's saying something is very wrong. One thing to remember is that you've been together since 19 or so, and some of how…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/19 05:16 AM
4

Odds are possible that she's gotten complacent with you, and has lost some respect for you (it's brutally hard to regain respect lost in this situation BTW), and the things you do around the house and with kids are not counting for much in her in terms of attraction and bonding with you. Perhaps they even are making it worse. She may be thinking in the back of her mind "didn't I once always say I would wind up with more than this? Something more exciting or more (fill in the blank)?" and having …
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/19 04:35 AM
2

Agreed to focus on the contempt. You may want to take archiveal snapshots of their public facebook before reporting to see if that's something else that might get her in trouble with the judge (per your concerns below) as well as document that they had her when you were supposed to.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/19 03:56 PM
3

You have my sympathy - was in the same boat. It turns out having an affair doesn't matter for diddly or squat today - it all comes down to who has the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/19 05:13 AM
2

Oh, I heard from so many people that you're lying and bias doesn't exist in family courts and in fact men get favorable treatment when it comes to custody, and we're all just butthurt because it's our fault. Makes it easy to know who not to invite over or stay friends with.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/19 12:10 AM
2

I had stayed waaay to long for the sake of my kids and endured a lot of abuse. It was therapeutic and healing to finally be away from her. Separation from my children was the only emotional downside. I had already prepared for the financial destruction.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/19 05:43 PM
2

Because divorce laws vary with locale and can be complex, you really need to consult with a local family law attorney. They should be able to tell you not only the laws that will apply but the tendencies of the local judges/courts to rule on things that are in their discretion.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/19 05:42 PM
1

Hang in there, it will get better, but I won't lie - you may find it necessary to pretty much re-boot your life and change the cast of people of around you. Ever seen the movie 'Mean Girls'? That world of social standing and backstabbing seems to be closer to the norm for a majority of women and most guys are not able to play those games.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/19 04:10 PM
1

Can you afford to AirBnB, have a friend's couch to crash on, or something else to bridge the gap until you have your own place?
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/19 12:49 AM
5

I don't think it's a case of 'shit on the other party' but rather the OP setting boundaries and trying to enforce them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/19 07:31 AM
12

At first I just dismissed OP as needing to vent/Rant... but then it occurred to me that he is on to something worth recognizing and acknowledging. First - culturally we value men and women differently. Men are valued more than women for their utility. Women are valued more than men for their beauty. If you look around carefully, you can see that this has been enshrined in our culture for as long as it's existed. This is worth nothing because.. Secondly - if you let someone else define "the bar" …
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/19 08:24 AM
1

Take advantage of the time she is away to do a free consult with a couple local divorce attorneys, and figure out who has the best rep supporting dads in your state. As for documenting, keep of log of all attempts/items - time,date what you did, what she did. Consider using your phone or an ipad to video you trying to contacting them perhaps? but don't let anything you make - video or log - go where she could see it (shared cloud account, etc)
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/19 10:51 PM
5

Financially, she will do very well. It makes me wonder if money is a big motive. I'll spare you the wonder. Knowing she'll clean you out is empowering to her.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/19 07:19 AM
3

Yeah.. And there no concrete standard of what constitutes 'emotional abuse'.. or how to determine it even took place. It is whatever she thinks it is at that moment in time, and there's no way to refute it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/19 02:43 AM
2

Even if everyone she spins her stories to doubts her, it still can create problems for you. Until my current wife pointed out what it's like from a woman's perspective, I never realized big a deal it was. We socialize women and men different in a lot of areas. Boys get more of a message to just 'face the music' while girls are taught to place a premium on being 'innocent' and 'good girls'. The whole bit about how girls socialize growing up and how their standing in their group is most important,…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/19 02:40 AM
5

I found out, after the fact, that my ex was telling the wives of our neighbors / close acquaintances that she was 'raped' (marital rape). The lady across the street was married to a police officer, and upon hearing this she grabbed her husband and said 'you have to report this!' .. and then the backpedaling started - and besides the fact it was a lie, she knew that if I was jailed that I would lose my high-paying job which was the only thing keeping us afloat sure to her non-working ass's uncont…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/19 11:10 PM
12

It's possible the problem has been exasperated by your ex spreading untruths about you and your breakup to anyone and everyone, even people that were 'your friends' only and your parents/families. This is a surprising common problem men face waaay, way more often in divorce than women do. I believe it has to do with our culture and to extent, gender roles. So many women feel a huge need to come out smelling like roses and hide the existence of any role they may have played in the marriage's fail…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/19 11:05 PM
1

Fight hard, and stop making any offers to her. Let her sweat. She's in the affair fog. Also.. are you in a state where the grounds for divorce can be switched to adultery? Listen to u/OMJ2SA 's post - he's on point here. This is long-view strategy match .. something on the order of playing a game of Civilization... not a 5 minute firefight like Counterstike. You want to take that mindset, and play the hardest hardball you can.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/19 11:06 PM
3

You are probably entitled to some sort of spousal maintenance from her, at least for a while. Now, the "what do I do" .. that's going to be a bit involved, but there are a couple things you MUST do for starters. Number #1 is the same as Numbers 2 through 7 - Don't tip her off that you're planning to file! You don't have all your ducks in a row yet, heck you don't even know the formation of ducks is going to look like. Tell yourself that you are going deep undercover as spy for the next several m…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/19 03:01 AM
1

If the house is jointly owned, I wonder if you can push to have it sold once the last child graduates high school, and the proceeds split? It will be 6 years in the future, but with the kids adults then, it would be a way for the both of you to restarts future lives. A good attorney would know.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/19 07:55 PM
1

The fact she makes nearly as much as you do will help a LOT. Does she have separate savings of her own? As /u/EyesOpened50 recommended - you need to talk to a family law attorney - preferably one with a good reputation for representing men. From there work our a strategy. Maybe you can max out your retirement savings and or other pre-tax things that the court wouldn't hold against you and bring your net pay down to equal or below her net pay? I have no idea. But in theory, if you are close enoug…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/19 06:44 AM
1

Pay for a background check on the boyfriend if you have any questions. Sometimes it can be very... illuminating. Hopefully in your case it would be totally boring.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/19 05:09 AM
1

Every one of us does this to some extent - auto-falling back onto patterns we learned when we were young(er). Rarely do we ask with serious introspection "How did I (they) get this way?"
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/19 04:18 AM
1

That's normal. What's going to happen is it will trend better over time as you keep pushing forward. I made the car reference because I browsed your posts and saw you have an //M. It looks like you also have a couple kids. Pour some of your energy and pain in to being the world's best dad and remember to be a rock for them. They're one of your biggest reasons to keep going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/19 07:47 PM
2

Looking at your other posts - it wasn't suddenly. You were the backup plan she settled for because at the time she didn't think she could do better. Now she's thinking she's got one last shot at what she wants and you are last week's news. It sucks. It's going to hurt for a while, but you're going to get past it. I even managed to get past losing my Euro E34 3.8L M5 Touring due to my divorce I won't lie - it wont be easy, but it will be better in the future and you got to hang on to that and kee…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/19 05:50 PM
2

Your STBX's behavior isn't that unusual unfortunately. If she grew up getting her way, by pouting and refusing to go along if necessary, she has early brain programming that she will default to, often with no awareness of her lifelong patterns. This goes with criticisms levied elsewhere about cultural failing to provide girls with accountability and agency growing up. A double-edged sword really, but what it means for you dealing with someone in the mindset "as long as I don't acknowledge the si…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/19 04:48 AM
1

Ok, there's something you are not seeing clearly here... She told me that's theres been problems for over but she never actually sat me down and talked to me about them. The part about not telling you, and how you were expected to just see it, and even be able to read her mind. That's BULLSHIT. It's making you responsible for something you were never informed about. Ever have that happen to you at work? When that happens in a workplace, it's because you are being setup to be fired, or otherwise …
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/19 06:35 PM
3

USA here: A defined contribution plan is a 401K or the like - the value of it is how much you have put into it. If don't put another dime into it, the value of it will change only based on the performance of the investments in it. This is the most common type for younger people here. A defined benefit one is where the pension plan promises to pay you a certain amount, usually based on how many years you worked for them, and what your salary was. It also usually adjusts for inflation. This is usu…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/19 03:20 AM
1

Half? Try 70-75% if you have kids... /Been there. Have the T-shirt.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/19 06:20 AM
2

Is it a defined contribution pension or a defined benefit one? If it's latter, it's a no brainier to not let her touch it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/19 11:32 PM
1

As long as your EX is willing to go along with it, and the general attitude from her is cooperative.. i.e. does she have an ax to grind with you or are you both being honestly chill about it? If it's clearly a bottom line win-win that benefits the kids, and the both of you can go into the courtroom and say the same thing "Best interest of the children", the judges will be willing to go with it. You will want to codify it in the decree, but it can be written up as "valid until these major conditi…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/19 01:57 AM
5

Read this: http://www.realworlddivorce.com/DomesticViolence "Your typical divorce plaintiff wants four things: (1) the house, (2) the kids, (3) the husband's paycheck, and (4) freedom to spend time in the house with her boyfriend," said one attorney. "It might take her two years to get to that point in the family court with accompanying legal fees. She can get there in a day through the domestic abuse system, probably without spending a dime. All that she needs to learn is to say 'I'm afraid of …
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/19 09:25 PM
3

During all of it, the one thing I have really wanted is for her to own up to everything she did wrong. You should have asked for a pink unicorn instead. For most guys, it has better odds.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/19 09:51 PM
1

might be time to get video interviews of the kids explaining "Mom is saying scary things. What is she up to?" Especially if they are older and realized they want no part of this.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/19 03:15 AM
2

Absolutely about the guns. Also I think google maps may be able to breadcrumb? I don't know. Anyway, in addition to the guns, can you get all your critical documents out to a safe location - a trusted friends house or perhaps a locked drawer at your desk at work? Think Birth certificate, social security cards, passports, critical bank and financial documents, etc. Maybe the kids documents as well? Basically, anything you might need later if you were to lose access to your house.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/19 03:13 AM
3

Yes. Talk to your lawyer. If she's using some specific working, it's possible she's either been coached or some other way she got the idea and has the specific goal in mind. If she does wind up trying to put an RO on you, there are some long-term ramifications of it being on your (criminal) record, so you'll need to fight it to get it fully dismissed as frivolous. If this is looking too real a possibility for you, I'd really consider secretly adding continuous video coverage of the common areas …
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/19 03:10 AM
12

You might want to read this: The Domestic Violence Parallel Track There's a chance she's is trying to lay the ground work for an RO on you to get you out of the house. Consider have a VAR (Voice activated recorder) on you at all times. Continue your policy of not being alone with her. Perhaps even a hidden video camera or two in the common in the house in case there ever is a dispute as to what took place. Consult with your attorney on your fears and options.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/19 11:52 PM
5

Seems like a back handed twisting of the facts to minimize the things men face statistically speaking in a divorce. Honestly, if I was about to divorce and read that, I would NOT use their firm. Given the concerns most men having going into it, the verbage would be setting off warning bells. For example: This has been true for the past 100 years, despite a common belief that wives are far more likely to file than their husbands. In reality, nearly one out of three divorces is filed by the male p…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/19 06:16 AM
2

8 Years and she has all that prior? Get an attorney even if you have beg, borrow and steal to afford them. What you are seeing in the letter is what she wants - not what's she deserves or is necessarily entitled to. And it sounds like she wants a pound of flesh from you. This is the kind of situation where the "quality" of the representation you have - i.e. how smart, how much of shark/pitbull they are, and how well they know the local courts/judges/system is going to make a huge difference in t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/19 06:21 PM
2

In the end...I’m gambling that my lying, cheating ex-wife will find some other sucker and move him into my former home.. I'll bet that if she does she will attempt that move a BF in anyway and claim she's not co-habituating. Since she's staying in the old home, hopefully you can keep a close eye on that and if necessary make the case in front of a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/19 09:56 PM
1

Was the "adventurous relationship" her idea originally by any chance? I was given a similar sales pitch by my ex, only to learn much later she already was cheating and was looking for a way not to hide her multiple boyfriends.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/19 10:10 PM
2

They are that bad. It's an attempt to take you for all they can, and exploit any vulnerable state you may be in. If you conceded even a bit, it's an opening they'll try and exploit for more. The only safe response is a negative one - get visibly pissed, even if it's just for show, and let her know "I already gave you my best deal, you don't seem to think I'm serious. Are you ready to spend to spend a whole lot to find out I am". In the end, there should be state guidelines as to alimony and chil…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/19 06:24 PM
3

It's negotiating 101 - mistaking your offer as an opening rather than as a final offer. Her lawyer has told her she can get more and they are trying that as SOP. Respond with a counter offer that gives her LESS and make it clear that's your 'line in the sand' unless she wants want fight it out in court... and perhaps you might drop an aside that she can hear -- "Can't believe you fell for that..." and if she responds "what?" come back with "did you notice? your attorney is telling you to choose …
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/19 04:42 PM
1

The level of retconning OP is about to see is something Marvel and DC comics can only dream of. OP needs to be sure she doesn't try and pull the "He hit me" call to 911 trick next.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/19 03:19 PM
1

I have a big brain dump to follow up on, but I'm slow typist and need to a bunch of stuff around the house right now, so give me a while to give a full response. The key is how reasonable your STBX and how she views the world. If you can get her onboard with the idea it's a 'win-win-win' situation - i.e the numbers show that you all get a bigger slice of the pie because it's not being split across 2 independent households. And as you noted, Alimony would normally only last 3.5 years (1/2 duratio…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/19 10:50 PM
1

There's a couple factors the OP mentions in the comments that make this seem more doable to me. One is their ages - at 45 I would think she's done having kids - so remarrying and having more kids with someone else is (likely) not a consideration. And that also makes the one kid they have the center of both their parental universes. The child's best interest do align with the OP's in this situation. You can't get money that doesn't exist from an ex (though many have tried). Also, at that age, I w…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/19 07:24 PM
1

This is possible a good idea - it really all comes down to how you and your STBX get along. Most of the time there is 'bad blood' between the ex's and at least one side wants the other suffer as much damage as possible. If the two of you are in the minority and really do get along AND are putting the interest of your child ahead of your own, there is a common ground to maybe work something out. Just off the top of my head: Child support is a "right of the child" and not something you can negotia…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/19 06:58 PM
1

Depends on the state you reside in. I recommend taking a look at Real World Divorce as they have several standard scenarios put to divorce attorneys in all 50 states. Use that and other info you research online as a starting point, then go and talk to a good family law attorney in your area. They will be up to date with your state's laws, as well the tendencies of the judge(s) you are likely to get in your county.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/19 03:45 AM
3

Talk to an attorney to confirm what you can do and how it will be seen by a judge. I've heard that you have rights to half the balance in any accounts, and just taking all of it would be seen in a bad light, and eventually you may be forced to repay it (odds increase with Y chromosome). Also, find out what is the proper timing - before she is served? or the day of? and if it will make any difference in court. One of the problems you may face is if any debts she ran up, such as credit cards, are …
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/19 10:46 PM
1

Nothing regarding the "rights of the kids" can be put into a post nup then. Doing do pretty much ensures that it wouldn't hold water. It really comes down to the willingness of your current partner. The time for a post nup is usually when things are good and no kids yet. Are you seeing a breakup in the near future?
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/19 03:14 PM
1

Are your kids with your current partner or from a prior?
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/19 05:42 AM
2

Frequently it's the wife who is insisting that the man move out, while continuing to make all the rent/mortgage payments. There's a big danger of staying around her when the conflict level has gone condition red - she can beat the crap out of you while you lie on the floor trying to protect yourself while never lifting a finger, then call 911 and have you arrested for DV. Most police now follow the Duluth Model https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duluth_model Criticism of the Duluth Model has centered…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/19 09:59 PM
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