Need advice

MartyMcFly7 · 2020-08-18T19:19:22+00:00

You might want to check out the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's a big decision, you owe it to yourself to think about it.

The book talks about how the decision to leave or stay is sometimes like a scale. There are many good and bad things tipping it one way or the other, which can make it difficult to decide. Sometimes it's easier to look at individual things (e.g. "Does she physically abuse me?", "Would I miss anything about her if we were no longer married," "Is there something she gives me that no other woman could?", "Has she crossed an important line that there is just no coming back from?" etc.).

In my case, it helped me to realize that my wife and I had a lot of "strings" that once bound us together. As time went on, most of those strings were cut; we had very few things keeping us together. Our religious, political, ideological views had changed, she'd lost her interest in sex, our interests were different. We were mostly just caretakers of the house and the children, living as roommates.

As for kids, that's part of the reason we stayed together as long as we did. Sometimes it's worth it to stay together just because you can't stand the thought of only being able to see your kids 50% of the time. But kids are adaptable.

But it's good to express your needs. I literally said, "I need to be touched and feel loved." I don't think that's overreaching for a married couple. If the person isn't willing or able to meet those needs, you have to decide for yourself if the other things they bring to the table are worth the trade-off.

SecondChantzes · 2020-08-18T19:45:27+00:00

My divorce was mainly caused by my wife putting her family first. They mean more to her than I ever could have. Well, she has them now, and I've moved on. Best thing ever for her to have filed those papers. If she can't grow up and make the family that you have with her your priority, you don't want her anyway. Just my .02 brother.

syro23 · 2020-08-18T20:50:30+00:00

I was in a very very similar situation. She may not be cheating now, but she will if the opportunity presents itself.

You need to man up. Start taking care of yourself and don't give a shit if something gets spilled on the carpet. Stop kowtowing to all her stupid bullshit. Go out and start having your own social life without her. (this does not mean to cheat or have an affair) Read some self help books, starting with "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

Change your life to what you want and then she can decide if she wants to come along for the ride or get left behind.

You don't lift weights, so start. Get into shape and eat better. Once you start doing all these things and making these changes You resolve issue #7 and #6 and 1-5 are gonna fall right into place.

smoth123 · 2020-08-19T01:00:19+00:00

I am almost a year out and a similar situation. I have the kids 50%, and 100% of that time is awesome. When we were together I would be lucky if 50% of my time was good with the kids because I was always on edge. I cried about only seeing the kids half time, but it is fine. I do things around the house and date when they are not with me, so they are not getting my attention anyway. It is nice to have time for me and time for them.

SpacemanLost · 2020-08-19T02:35:22+00:00

Hate to say it, but you were a means to an end for her, and now you are just someone to be "managed". You don't interest her beyond what you provide for her real priorities.

You need to mentally detach from trying to please her (the goalposts will always be moving, you can never possibly do enough and if you do the definitions will change). Until you do that, she will keep jerking your chain around - keeping you off balance and trying to please her is a way of managing you.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2020-08-18T19:11:43+00:00

How did you think : "I am OK with not seeing my daughter/son everyday and share in their day"?

I never did think that. But at some point? If you ain't wagging the tail, the tail wags you. You can act or be acted upon.

Am I complaining about nothing?

Do you think the things you posted are hallmarks of a normal, well-adjusted relationship? Stressing and chewing your nails? Walking on eggs? Isolation from friends and a social network'? Not doing things together? Non-existent sex life and manipulation?

saabaadooey · 2020-08-18T22:34:44+00:00

This resonates with me man. I'm in pretty much the same situation. Most of the time, she treats me like one of our children. I get so tired of her constantly yelling at the kids that I absolutely dread coming home every day, especially if I'm travelling for work.

The only reason I haven't walked out yet is because of our three kids. I'm at the point where I don't give a shit about keeping a single thing as long as I get half time with my boys

My problem is I'm one of those people that puts everybody else's happiness before my own. Because of this, I'm fucking miserable and feel so trapped all the time.

wellnow456789 · 2020-08-19T01:09:28+00:00

It’s time to move on. She told you she can’t give you want you need in the marriage. You’ve tried. You’ve made the effort but she can’t meet you halfway. I feel for you. I’m in a similar boat. The kids have kept me here but as someone else said above, having a great time with your kids 100% of the 50% you get them is better than the current situation. Also, your kids are seeing their father unhappy and you’re teaching them what is NOT right about a relationship. That’s not good (again I have the same issue). Good luck.

vealchop88 · 2020-08-19T03:30:16+00:00

I feel like I could have written this post myself. Almost word for word. My wife and I have been on the fritz for almost 2 years. She didn’t cheat on my physically (so she says and I believe it) but she did fall in love with another man (her rich boss, cliche). I’ve been on a roller coaster, but the question I keep coming back to, is what do I deserve? Do I feel like at the end of all this, I really did everything I could? I too told her that I NEEDED more affection. Not want, not craved, needed. And I was met with nothing but negativity. I cried in front of her, and nothing has changed. She won’t spend more than 30 minutes with me, but when she goes out, she’s out for 5 hours at a time. It’s her birthday tomorrow and because I am a good man, I don’t want to spoil that for her. We have a 3 year old, and we have a family vacation planned next weekend. I’m basically giving it through Labor Day and if she makes ZERO steps towards improving things, that’s it. I’ve said this before in my mind, but this time i can feel the difference. I’m not sad... I’m ready. I’m ready to take my own life back. I’m ready fo be rid of the eggshells. I’m ready to do things for ME not for her.

I’m really looking for support during this, so if you want to keep in touch, vent, talk, whatever, message me. It’s super scary, but I’ll be there for you brother, should you need it.

ciphrr · 2020-08-19T06:43:44+00:00

Thank you everyone for your words and taking the time to respond. I have not had a close friend for years and this really made me feel good knowing there are so many bro's supporting each other!

Title	Need advice
Author	ciphrr
Upvotes	4
Comments	27
Date	August 18, 2020 6:54 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ic76g8/need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-advice.817965 https://theredarchive.com/post/817965

Comments