I drank too many Bloody Marys today, and spent the morning drunkenly Redditing. But not all was lost - I defeated and educated an anti-father teacher, with a crushing assist from my soi-disant feminist girlfriend! Anyway, here's the rough transcript (gf agrees it's accurate), presented as a play:

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

ADIKIA .................................... AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS .................... A FOUL-MOUTHED DRUNK

ATHENA NIKE................................ GIRLFRIEND WHO PULLS IT OUT

ACT I, SCENE 1. A kitchen at 10:30 a.m. DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS drinks a Bloody Mary and fucks around on his laptop.

[Enter ADIKIA and ATHENA NIKE, conversing.]

ATHENA NIKE That school shooting is going to change your job. Believe me.

ADIKIA Well, with the shootings and all, we're very careful about letting children go anywhere with men. They may say they're the kid's dad, but we're extra-careful. Who knows these days?

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS [Looks up from laptop] Oh, bullshit. Dads don't kill their kids.

ADIKIA Excuse me? Yes, they do.

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS Bullshit! It's the moms you need to worry about. They're the killers.

ADIKIA I'm actually a teacher, so I think I would know.

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS Oh, good for you, sweetheart. Hey, how about I look up some numbers on that?

[DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS googles the statistics]

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS Hey, neat! Between 2000 and 2005, 1.7 million kids were murdered by their moms - according to Health and Human Services, anyway. You know, the government. The guys who track that shit. Numbers guys! Woo! [Drinks prandial adult beverage]

ADIKIA Whatever. What did their dads do, like 4 million?

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS No-hoooooo. Nope, nope, nope. Once again, you are full of shit. Six hundred fifty thousand.

ADIKIA OK, well, I am a teacher, and I deal with kids every day, so I think I would know. Dads are the problem. I see it every day. Okay?

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS Anecdotal! Not statistical! I do not actually care what you think - you're basically making shit up. Why do you think the police always question the mother first when a kid is killed? Gee, do you think it's highly likely that she did it?

ADIKIA Okay, Mister police expert.

ATHENA NIKE [Swooping down from on high] Uh ... actually, he's pretty much right. This is one area where Men's Rights Advocates are totally correct. Women definitely kill their kids way more often, and courts usually treat men like shit.

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS [Pointing at ATHENA NIKE] Bwoop!

ATHENA NIKE [Rolls eyes] Okay, drunky.

ADIKIA [Visibly flustered and angry] Yeah ... um ... I don't think so.

DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS Want to see the screen? Not making it up, here!

ATHENA NIKE [Shrugs] He's not wrong!

ADIKIA [Turns pink, glares at DIONYSUS ACRATOPHORUS]

ATHENA NIKE Ooh, Bloody Marys! Make me one!

ADIKIA [Dies]

[Exeunt]