Should I go monk mode?

quicklogaccount · 2016-05-13T13:24:07+00:00

It doesn't look like the case. Monk mode is advised for people with objective GOALS. It doesn't look like your goals are objective. You have stated them generally and in between parenthesis man.

We are social creatures and we need social validation in some degree. But that is EXTERNAL validation. Around here we mostly advise people to seek INTERNAL validation, and the "monk mode" is the one tool to be used to gain it above all else. The reason we mostly advise people to seek INTERNAL validation is because usually external validation follows.

So, here's the thing. Usually you'd do good gaining internal validation through gaining some real value. I encourage you to do that. Always. But for the moment you might want to make better goals, and maybe make sure answering "why I'm in need of external validation?" is among them.

As a rule of thumb, increasing value (monking something) will lower your need for external validation, make it easier to get, help you to spot the balance, and it is something that won't harm you if you overdo it. Maybe make you arrogant.

Our relationship with external validation is often toxic, mainly when we spent too long on angst regarding it. We tend to believe it will bring fulfillment and, as with other drugs, once it doesn't bring it, instead of seeking it elsewhere we try to increase the stimulus. Bang more girls, LTR, party more, whatever. Bam. We screw ourselves. Take a look at Mystery's depressive tweets or Style's current positioning about PUA to see this is no joke.

Stating it in another way, we still need external validation from some sources and no amount of internal validation will do the trick if you lack it (zen traditions may disagree with me here), but we rarely need to seek it explicitly, it should follow your sense of self value. (One instance in which that might be false is for pussy obsessed guys after long dry spells. Doesn't look like your case.)

Colossus_of_Clout · 2016-05-13T12:46:07+00:00

we'd meet, go out a couple times, make out, everything

What's everything? Are you banging these women?

stealthcreeper · 2016-05-13T16:31:19+00:00

what you want is subconsious validation of your value from others

you have to take validation from yourself, and the only way to do that is to work on yourlsef and on a hobby

the way I do it is by making music that I love, and when I finish a song I feel acconplished and as a result I feel confident and validated

and you only need 3-4 friends

FrameWalker · 2016-05-13T16:06:04+00:00

Where are you low on value? Looks? Social skills? Talents? If you're a college agued guy people want you around for three things

1) Your attractive and bring girls to parties
2) You bring alcohol to parties
3) You make them look and feel cool. Fun attitude

If you're done with college they want you around because of your professional network as well

If social sklils are the weakness socialize more.

delux_bg · 2016-05-13T16:17:43+00:00

I've been in your shoes, you can't change their mind about you and you shouln't even try. Cut them off completely, focus on improving yourself, meet new people, read books like no more mr nice guy, models, the way of the spiritual man, the power of now...

Cunt_Robber · 2016-05-13T17:32:45+00:00

lots of girls where we'd meet, go out a couple times, make out, everything, but then out of nowhere they'd start giving obvious false excuses about why they weren't free or just straight up ignore me

This resonates with me. I had the same results until I started amplifying on the first date for sex. If you're under 30, there's no reason why you shouldn't try to have sex on the first date. Nobody in their early to mid-20s wants to commit time/energy to date, etc. Just go for sex (btw I assume that's the end-game here). Treat em nice and charming but amplify, bring up sexual topics. A good one that works for me is wondering out loud "I wonder if you're the submissive type or if you'd dominate me in bed." I almost always get an eyebrow raise and a wry chuckle out of this. It's a challenge. You start speaking their language, and it will catch them pleasantly off guard. After i say this, we usually get right into the meat of things sexually, and often this is where I go for some touching and even a kiss. Just fucking go for the kiss. If they turn you down either it's too early (gotta match their pace, don't rush) or you know they're nexting material. So go for sex on first date--I suspect you beat around the bush too much, and that's when they start giving false excuses or ignore because they think it's ridiculous. That was me anyway. Now things have changed. They don't put out, I next them. They know what I want, they're not stupid. Thinking anything less is an insult to their intelligence. Fuck monk mode, keep working on yourself but feel free to have some dessert every now and then. Might need to change your approach/routine/strategy and be a little more charming and smoooooooth. Report back post-coitus ;)

GreeneRed · 2016-05-13T14:56:20+00:00

I'm not a big fan of the monk mode mindset because 'monk' brings to mind solitude and isolation. I think a better way of approaching it is having feasible and attainable goals, and putting all of your spare time into it. You don't need to go into the mountains and live in a monastery. But you do need to devote your free time to reaching your goals rather than bar hopping, social media, Internet, or other bullshit time wasters. But don't neglect your friends. If you have found a couple good ones, find time for them. Work, friends, and gym are essentials. Women not.

Title	Should I go monk mode?
Author	icouldhavehaditall
Upvotes	2
Comments	18
Date	May 13, 2016 11:30 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4j5vzs/should_i_go_monk_mode/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/should-i-go-monk-mode.105381 https://theredarchive.com/post/105381

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