One of the biggest difficulties of women being raised and groomed by LVM and NVM is unlearning behavioral patterns that we perceive as normal even though they are abusive. After being brought up by narcissists, enablers, Pickmeishas and NVM, the same mechanisms that helped us survive are now the same mechanisms that keep us trapped in relationships and situationships not beneficial to us. As we unwrap these patterns, any man who is slightly less bad or better at disguising his abusive side might feel like a breath of fresh air in the first moment.

A woman coming out of relationships shaped by psychological, sexual and physical abuse is easy prey for LVM who expect to be praised and coddled for performing the bare minimum. These are men who "help" with housework after their partner has asked them nicely (not nagging!) for 5 times and given them concrete instruction how to do this. These are the men who "babysit" their children once every two weeks so that their wife can have some me-time to take a shower and do the laundry. These are the men who would never rape a woman but who get passive-aggressive when their partner turns them down for sex. These are the men who insult their partner during a fight but apologize afterwards bc saying hurtful things to her made them feel bad. These are the men who need "clear communication" to learn that women do not enjoy having their partner insult their body. These are the men who watch porn secretly. These are the men who support feminism as long as it doesn't go too far. These are the men who are terrified to have daughters bc of all the bad guys out there but will laugh at their buddies' rape jokes. These are also men we need to stay away from.

In my last relationship (that started right after breaking up with a grandiose narcissist), I overlooked many red flags because he was not as bad as my other relationships. He seemed to act like a gentleman most of the time. But sometimes he would make a hurtful comment about my body, acting surprised when I did not appreciate his "humour" . Sometimes, he would try to coerce me into sex when I didn't want to but if I turned him away energetically rather then hesitantly he would actually stop. He would actually communicate about problems we had and let me explain basic feelings to him as if this could make up for his lack of empathy. Back then, this relationship felt like the best thing that I ever had. It took me a long time to understand that he too was manipulative and abusive towards me, long after the relationship had ended.

For women coming out of abusive relationships or family structures, telling subtle abusive behavior apart from daily miscommunication is extremely difficult, especially if a man frequently displays seemingly HVM behavior. This is why keeping away from dating after an abusive relationship is so crucial. This is why selfcare is crucial. This is why filling our lives with fulfilling activities and friendships with supportive women is crucial. If you start dating a man, you should not compare him to other men in your life. You want to find a man that is amazing and good for you - not just one who is less shitty than your exes. Does he add value to your life? Does he consistently treat you with love and respect? If a conflict arises, put yourself in his shoes. Do you really understand his perspective? Was it really a misunderstanding? Did he really think that making a comment about your belly fat was funny? Did he really insult your cooking because he thought this was constructive criticism? Was it really impossible for him to see that you did not want to have sex with him when you turned away half asleep? Did he offer you an actual apology or did he brush it off, claiming you shouldn't be so sensitive? Would you act in a similar way if the roles were reversed? Would you let this comment or this behavior slide if it was your friend? Would you treat yourself like this?

Stay woke and stay strong ladies. Treat yourself like a queen and don't accept any less of a potential partner. The vetting process never ends.