Growth first, scrote second

In the last 2 months, I realized that while I'm working towards the future I want, I am not living my life the way I should to be the woman I want. I mean I'm getting good grades and should be graduating next year (finally!) , I'm looking into post grad jobs and maybe even grad school. I was living like everything was temporary though. I had a bare bones room, was making the same rotation of lunches and dinners, superficial relationships with my peers, telling myself school first health later.

So this week I gave myself a little extra room in my grocery budget, experimented in the kitchen a little. My ravioli was excellent btw, the dough was slightly thick but still tasted very good considering I used a rolling pin. I got decor for my room, so I no longer live in a glorified prison cell. I reached out to some of the women in my classes, we have tentative plans next week. I made plans with some of my friends from home (2 hours away) for my birthday this weekend.

Also...I jogged. I have been over weight since I was 19, in an abusive relationship with a man who liked to call me beautiful no matter what but also insinuate that I was lucky he was still attracted to me. I have lost weight since moving states, but I sorta stopped when I went from obese to just overweight. I'm still doing research on the gym since I have two available to me. But the other day I was walking my dogs, they were pulling at the leash a bit. So I started jogging with them. Then I kept going til we had looped back around to my apartment. I routed things out and I jogged like 2/3 of a mile, and I wasn't even huffing. I think the temperature difference from outside to inside did more to knock my breath than the jog did. I never thought I'd be running at all again, but it was actually invigorating. So I've been doing that almost everyday, for at least half a mile of our usual mile walks.

Like I said, I'm also doing research on the gym since they're available and I think I'm going to start some mild weight training. Not looking to be buff just tone it up a little.

Lastly I decided that I have a safety net of savings already. I'll continue putting a little back every week, but I can relax a bit, I'm allowed to splurge a little on me. I got my hair done, a manicure and pedicure, nicer bath products. I also got some fancy cheeses and crackers, because I don't care for college parties but a wine and cheese night is totally my speed. Even if I'm alone.

I also asked my current boss about post grad jobs, she can't promise anything but told me she would love to keep me on. She sent me a few job postings from similar departments just in case, but she also talked to the big boss about a spot for me in the office starting next summer. If I stay here I'd get a great benefit package and also they'd pay for my graduate degree.

So in short I'm working on leveling up, and it's going well. 😁

Onto the scrote. I met him on an OLD that's supposed to be for people looking for a relationship. He could carry a conversation and didn't get really sexual really fast. The bar is so low...I need to get better standards. I was fine chatting on the OLD platform until we went on a date. He wanted to text (phone #), I deflected a couple times citing bad reception in my room. Which isn't a total lie, there's a delay when I send things out for some reason.

He seemed to agree, then gave me his number 'just in case'. I should have blocked there but I was naive. I texted him. 😒 conversation was still good, but it had been over a week and he hadn't even tried to make plans. He blamed that he was moving house, and was busy getting things set up. He asked to call me. I said I was busy too, and just started responding less. He tried to call anyway, while I was at work.

I have calls (not texts tho) blocked while I'm at work, since my mom is the type to forget the Netflix password and spam me. He told me he tried to call, and I told him I thought I had made it clear I didn't have time to talk to him, especially while I'm working. He said he wanted to chat, I told him we could chat when he asked me on a proper date. I'm not looking for a phone buddy. He said he wanted to get his house more in order before having me over. I said I wouldn't be coming over for a first date. He sent a lot of messages about maybe not the first couple dates but insinuated that I'd be over (and spending the night) by the end of the month.

This is where I finally blocked and deleted. It took me too long, but me from a year ago would have answered his calls and been polite and explained how he was pushing boundaries and given him 10 more chances. I just didn't this time. I should have blocked on OLD when he pushed at me not giving him my number, but I didn't. I'm getting there tho. Time and practice.

Sorry for the long post, I've been mostly lurking and commenting a bit over the last year or so, and I'm finally internalizing the lessons and working on them.