Establishing boundaries in a "Hall Pass" relationship

CigarettesandAsh · 2022-01-05T19:57:19+00:00

cried for hours about how it's difficult for me to know he still wants other women, and that if he truly needs that then I just want him to be happy and if that means he will leave me, I will accept it.

he has said this is a "want but not a need"

he admitted that he still has the urges and that he had been hoping I would change my mind about a "hall pass" for our relationship... that it's sex and nothing more for variety. Needless to say this breaks my heart to hear.

This entire post seems to be you hamstering about how to let him have sex with other women while avoiding getting your heart broken, when you admit that there is no way that allowing him a hallpass isn't going to break your heart. You talk about trying to make it fun, but it's clear from your writing that it will never be fun for you to know that your boyfriend is having sex with other women.

if I decide to try this in order to enable a fulfilling life for us together

You won't be fulfilled if you go down this path.

How do I present my personal boundaries in a scenario like this without it coming across as an ultimatum or restricting his freedom?

No matter what kind of cheerful face you try to paint on this, him having sex with other women is going to eat at you. Your relationship is going to deteriorate, and emotional outbursts like the one you had while high are going to become more common. Except you won't be able to have an emotional outburst about the actual issue (him having sex with other women) since you've given him license to do it, so you're going to start getting angry when he doesn't pick up the dry cleaning like you asked him to, or he didn't get you exactly what you wanted for your birthday or whatever. The bottom line is that if he can't restrict his want for variety, you are going to be miserable and the relationship is going down in flames anyway. If he genuinely doesn't try throwing your work in your face about this situation, I'd say something like 'I can't be in a relationship where my partner doesn't believe that a relationship with me is worth eschewing sex with other women.'

And I'm not trying to be anti-poly or whatever. Maybe it works for some people. But your post says that it can't work for you, and that you will be torn down if you try to accommodate his sexual wants.

HappilyMrs · 2022-01-06T13:05:16+00:00

I have tried adding a third person to our situation. I was also sceptical, wary and naturally jealous. It was a disaster. There were times when I felt suicidal over it, and when it ended it destroyed friendships. Not everyone is poly-able. Yes, it's fashionable, yes it may suit men's wants. But if your need monogamy, you will be better finding a mono partner. Don't screw up your mental well-being, it is not worth it.

I wont delve into the work stuff, but perhaps reflect on whether your lack of sexual contact = intimacy with clients feeds into his feelings of wanting sex without intimacy with others, and whether this may seem like unfairness.

PippeliPaavo · 2022-01-09T06:00:44+00:00

So you are a sex worker and have sex with other men? It doesn't really matter if you are getting paid for it you are still having sex with other men outside the relationship. You can't hide it behind it "it's my profession." It's not a matter of defining it as mono or poly. Regardless of how you want to define you are having sex outside the relationship.

kriszdj · 2022-01-07T06:47:33+00:00

I have to wonder and factor in your line of work. I think it plays a huge role in his "want".

johnnycage24 · 2022-01-05T18:41:23+00:00

Hey, this was very thorough my eye twitched, it seems like you've already taken the right step in seeing a professional congrats, doing it as a form venting can be helpful too, it seems like.... I feel like whatever i say would be wrong or missinterpreted as this seems like there's a lot of ground to cover, overall i wish you the best and a happy life.

Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 · 2022-01-07T14:40:53+00:00

Eek. No judgement on your job, a bag is a bag, but I think you are signing yourself up for a Danielle & Garrick situation from Seeking Sister Wife. That was painful to WATCH, never mind live. I can't imagine being in that position. What if the girl(s) he chooses is/are legit WAY hotter than you?

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2022-01-07T16:28:11+00:00

Thanks everyone. I have spoken extensively with a therapist as well as close male friends who understand my line of work, and I do understand how my work plays into this hugely for my bf. Thank you for your input. I'm hoping maybe he will be happy just getting it out of his system, and then we come up with a plan for these activities that is mutually agreeable. It will surely be a break test for the relationship, and I just hope either way we stay together, but whatever will be, will be.

mmeyer0606 · 2022-01-07T18:51:56+00:00

I'm a bit late to the thread, but I felt the need to share my experience. I (23F) met my husband (25M) 5 years ago and been married for 3 years.

I worked on my confidence in and out of the bedroom last year (getting my breasts done was the trigger. Best money ever spent). My friend said husband and I should take a BDSM test just for fun and compare our kinks.

I had no clue that my husband was interested in non-monogamy until we compared answers. I was angry and started feeling resentful until we had a very long conversation about it. He asked me what my sexual fantasies were and I truly didn't know what to say. I had never delved into my fantasies, and had never thought about bringing them up with him, as I didn't want to hurt him.

I brought up that I've wanted to try kissing women and watch others have sex. And that's kind of how our swinging lifestyle started. Our communication has drastically improved. There are no secrets between us. Our sex life is better than ever. I definitely don't think it works well for some couples, but it has definitely improved ours.

We see swinging as a way to "add upon" our relationship. I also want to add that it has improved our RP relationship. We're not fully RP but we're very happy and husband takes the lead.

In regards to OP, keep speaking with your therapist as they can definitely help you break down your thoughts and feelings. Try putting yourself in your partner's shoes. That's what helped me understand my husband's POV and get over my own insecurities. Not trying to push hall pass or swinging on you by any means, but I felt the need to get my little story out there.

Hope this helps and wish you best.

Title	Establishing boundaries in a "Hall Pass" relationship
Author	Advanced_Bar_673
Upvotes	0
Comments	12
Date	January 4, 2022 7:03 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rw1y3w/establishing_boundaries_in_a_hall_pass/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/establishing-boundaries-in-a-hall-pass.1094609 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094609

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