How do you cope?

TendieDinner777 · 2022-05-18T22:04:24+00:00

Just be there to validate his valid concerns and be a female voice for men when women or otherwise unconcerned people downplay or mock how issues affect men.

AceOfWildCards · 2022-05-18T21:57:50+00:00

Orderofman podcast may help him.

As for you...become an activist against feminism. For actual realistic equality

shit-zen-giggles · 2022-05-18T22:47:13+00:00

There's a book by a Tom Golden called 'how men heal'. It might be a good read for both of you.

How to cope is a good question, since it's highly individual. What helps one person, might not do anything for another.

The overarching commonality would be 'reduces stress and clears your head'. If he has an activity that yields this result, that's what I'd go for. If it involves being physically active that's even better because physical activity reduces stress hormones.

What you can do to help him is giving him space to explore and persue such activities even if it means him 'going there on his own'. Aside from that careful, loving, non-sexual touch is often overlooked in it's importance. Equally important is listening to him and giving him space to express himself without being judged.

Henry_Blair · 2022-05-19T06:34:00+00:00

Hi, and thank you. First for being such a kind person and second for visiting this forum and bringing up the question. I'll try to think this through together with you, as a married man who also was affected by the atmosphere in society. My wife is sometimes, I think, in a similar position to yours. Your question, I think, is something that men like your husband, myself and others in this forum, have not yet really articulated and found answers for - "what can I do as a woman, or wife (or a mother to a son)". We were so occupied with.. well, "keeping it together", when we're dealing with a psychological disintegration of the personality, which is what I feel this atmosphere of denial of social human regard and acknowledgment causes to a person, that we forget to think of the question - "what can others around us do to help". So this is the first time I'm facing the question. I'll try my best to come up with a first draft for an answer.

First, there are social paradigms around a man, that are the cause of the pain. Whatever any woman has done that was the primary hurtful act (sexual abuse, physical abuse, social isolation), this was then followed by denial from society, and often with society continuing and extending that original act, by attributing guilt to that man or boy, and often guilt will be followed by correction or punishment of the man or boy. "Society" could mean professionals (a psychologist), acquaintances, professional associates, the work environment, teachers and professors if this was a student, and the wider circles - the news, the media, social media, what we are exposed to on a regular basis and reflects to us what is considered the accepted beliefs, and norms, of the human world we live in. The understanding of a boy or a man, that if he got hurt by a woman (as opposed to another man), then in the society that he lives in he is by definition the culprit and will not only not be acknowledged but if he seeks either comfort or help (or god forbid justice in case a law was broken), then he will be punished - isolated, reprehended, and possibly legally punished - is something that breaks the personality from the inside out (perhaps first a crack appears, and with time as hopes for human regard are continuously refuted the crack widens, and I suspect this eventually reaches what I conceptualized to myself form my own experience as "personality disintegration", disintegration of the self in a sense. I call it "breaking the premise", that "premise" being some knowing of "who I am"). What I'm trying to get at, is to say that whatever the original act was, the harshest impact will come from society, not from the original woman or girl, from which most men and boys would have been able to heal over time if they received acknowledgment and support from society. As a consequence, the true answer to "what can I do to help", unfortunately, is something that most people will not be able to reach single-handedly - "change society", "change culture".

Considering all that, when I'm trying to ask myself what can a wife or a friend or a mother can do, I think acknowledgment is imperative. Lack of acknowledgment from every corner in human society (often including a psychologist) is what causes this crack in the personality, so any human acknowledgement is precious, and by that I mean also acknowledgment of the social denial. It's like water to a dusty desert land. Although, a note of caution: people in this situation may exaggerate their true position in life (it's completely normal I think) and may form a narrative that colors reality only with fire and black and red (this is in fact the traumatic perception of reality). I don't think that acknowledging means getting carried away with this depiction of the world. It's a messy business, I'll admit, to find the empathic path that fully acknowledges yet is able to reflect hope nonetheless when possible without it sounding like denial. Finding a psychologist who is defiant of the social narratives (that is, will not make things only worse by continuing the denial and correcting the person instead of supporting him) might be helpful. Hard to find them but they are out there (I'm following one on twitter, I'll send you his profile link if you want, he's in the UK I think).

But I do think that one of the most comforting and healing things for a man in this situation, is seeing a woman fighting against this culture of denial. This goes down to the need men have for women's affection and empathy, it's not a general human need but a specific part of the male psychology, for kindness and empathy from women (which is the primary reason that the denial of those, is causing a personality-disintegration; feminists of the aggressive kind are completely oblivious to the level of pain that their statements cause to men, "kill all men", "you don't commit suicide enough"). Anyhow I truly believe that no matter what your actual ability to change culture and society is, if you do anything at all in that direction - a comment on social media, as you commented here (you have no idea how just reading your question was healing for me personally...), any type of activity, in organizations or alone, even a comment in social media or during launch at work when someone repeats the mantras that perpetuate this cultural state - can have a tremendous effect on your husband when he learns about it. The feeling that a woman feels affection and compassion toward you that causes her to react, to do something, is... well. It builds you again from the inside. I can't explain how deep this goes. It's like being brought back to life.

SudetenNachkomme · 2022-05-18T22:00:54+00:00

My faith has been a real anchor for me throughout the last several years. I don’t know what yours (or his) beliefs are, but I do recommend finding a community of faith (vet accordingly of course) that is healthy and rooted in historical accuracy and move from there. (Not to proselytize, but if that is a conversation you’d like to go deeper on, send me a DM and we can have that convo properly).

So sorry to hear how he has suffered. People and society are cruel and ruthless, and it has broken many stronger men. The fact that he’s still standing speaks volumes. Don’t give up hope.

Halafax · 2022-05-19T01:45:43+00:00

When things were really bad, I maintained by only focusing on what absolutely needed to get accomplished. One thing at a time. There were so many distractions that I just couldn't consider "the big picture", that was too painful and complicated. In that position, there isn't much else to do until circumstances change. The agent of change doesn't really matter, though people should out effort into changing their own situation for the better.

Once you've been through that, life looks different. All responsibilities are not equal, some can be ignored and some can be let go of entirely. People have limited strength, once you know what really matters, it's easier to focus on what is important to you.

forever2100yearsold · 2022-05-19T05:57:02+00:00

Walks. Really long walks.

Alarming_Draw · 2022-05-19T19:27:18+00:00

I just felt the need to post to say - thank GOODNESS for this sub, even though Reddit is doing all it can to destroy it. And thank you to all the posters and their thoughtful, deep, helpful suggestions. I am not the original poster, but have been having a hard time.

I found the posts here useful for myself, and the simple fact that people responded to the OP with such kindness and thought encourages me in these difficult times men are facing.

ConnectConcern6 · 2022-05-19T00:02:43+00:00

Just listen to him I'd say. Let him know he is safe to open up with you and just listen to him. Compliment him, hug him, I know those things work for me and can go a long way.

Title	How do you cope?
Author	orione16
Upvotes	26
Comments	16
Date	May 18, 2022 9:50 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/usnr2n/how_do_you_cope/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/how-do-you-cope.1119435 https://theredarchive.com/post/1119435

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