I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but any advice appreciated

ConsiderationOdd2929 · 2022-07-09T16:43:50+00:00

So the guy you just described is my roommate, I will now detail his solution:

Everything you described was the same, except instead of punching holes in walls it was screaming at the giant barking dog in the backyard behind us (the dog is a jerk, by the way). The barking was his daily breaking-point. His son started repeating the bad words. More than one police officer knocked on our door about it. Good times.

Fast forward to now: After a few couple's therapy sessions with his wife (over zoom, at home) I notice that he has headphones on when he gets home from work and makes time to start journaling sports statistics and is pursuing a hobby of his - and he can't hear the dog. Apparently the psychologist suggested this, and the three of them agreed that his wife would allow him to make that time for himself each day. She gave him his space, he did his part, and the breaking point was eliminated.

His feeling are valid, but your feelings are valid, too; when that feeling is "Don't rage in front of the child", that is a very valid feeling. I'm pretty sure the fact you came here looking for advice means you will succeed. That's exactly what he needs.

Ferbuggity · 2022-07-09T16:53:39+00:00

I'd be pointing out to him what effect these screaming episodes are having om his child. Do the research, find some plain spoken, sensible articles, print some out and show him. You can and should do this with an attitude of compassion, not confrontation, but all the same the fact is that his untreated trauma is in turn causing generational trauma to your child. Point being, he might just have more motivation to go to therapy if he knows what real effect not going is having .

Nobody deserves to be screamed at in their home, not men and not women and no child ever. I'm sure he knows it's unacceptable, and his feelings about that won't be helping him right now. I've had close associations with men like this myself and I found the problem is bridging that gap between his coping mechanism of silence and the importance of an aggression free home. I've a couple of times written letters, careful to avoid blamey language but also making my case very plain, so the immediate issue of dealing with difficult emotions is somewhat softened. Perhaps you could include one of those articles and some pamphlets from local men's counselling services (do some hard research on those as well, they are not all equal in quality or actual usefulness to men).

WhereProgressIsMade · 2022-07-09T15:42:08+00:00

It’s a common issue that boys see men not being emotional but misunderstand that it’s not about stuffing them, it’s about having mastery over them so that emotions don’t master you.

I used to bottle up anger about our house being a mess until i would explode. Now when I start to feel a tiny bit angry I make lists of chores for the kids, dig in, and ask my wife to help. Problem solved.

If your husband is religious that’s been another way that’s worked for me to get things out in prayer and deal with them in meditation.

Edit: don’t try to be his therapist. If he’s dealing with stuff that people get a therapist to help with, he needs a therapist. Making a wife/GF into your therapist tends to do more harm than good.

mikesteane · 2022-07-10T00:00:28+00:00

Do a websearch for men's support group in your area or men's gathering.

HikuroMishiro · 2022-07-10T00:59:16+00:00

That's a very unfortunate situation, and unfortunately there is no easy solution. Personally I think the whole men and emotions thing is generally misunderstood by mean and women and most people have their own take on it that doesn't necessarily match everyone else's. I don't really 'get' therapy, but studies have shown that it is useful to a number of people, so finding a way to get him to go (perhaps getting a male friend of his to suggest it) might be the best bet. If you don't phrase it as 'therapy', but are able to word it in a way that might avoid any triggering words he thinks is 'unmanly' that might do the trick. If he goes to a session you might avoid saying 'what did the doctor/therapist say', but 'what did Bob(or whatever the therapists name is) say', since not really considering it therapy may be essential to get him to go back.

One thing to establish is if he knows when he explodes that it's a serious problem. If he admits its a problem and apologizes once he calms down its possible he can find some outlets to avoid bottling things up until he has an outburst. If he makes excuses and writes it off as no big deal, that's a serious indicator that the underlying issues are more an actual part of his personality now and improvement will likely be a very long arduous process. If this is the case you might have to find a way to tell him (preferably with someone else around) that if he doesn't get help for this issue its not an environment you and your daughter can stay in. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but screaming/putting holes in walls is something no one should have to put up with, especially if there is a child involved.

ALPHA-19 · 2022-07-13T18:19:28+00:00

OP. I'm a daughter of a man like this.

It. Messed. Me. Up.

I was afraid of "angry daddy" and hus outbursts, it made me walk on eggshells around him. Even if it doesn't look like it, his bullshit will leave it's impact on your kid.

If it doesn't change within a year, for your daughter sake, leave. Please. Leave. I wished my mom had the courage to do so, she didn't and I'm still struggling at 26 y/o with the impact it left on me.

Magnificent_Johnson · 2022-07-09T17:08:17+00:00

Deal is, we have no idea of what his daily responsibilities are and if he’s stressed to the point where he doesn’t know how to handle it. What men used to do was this: Hobbies. Yes, ones that don’t include you or your daughter. He needs an outlet or two where he does what he pleases without the possibility of being nagged about it. He needs male friends to hang with/talk to. Men need other men in their lives.

Does he need therapy? Probably, seeing a professional to deal with his childhood issues. What he shouldn’t do is talk to you about it.

Reddit1984Censorship · 2022-07-09T22:32:50+00:00

Gift him a boxing bag to put in the garage with sound proof in the walls

McIan_Avelli · 2022-07-10T02:56:26+00:00

Pull him aside at a good time and say.

"I have something to say. You need to take better care of your mental health. Whatever you're doing, it's not working. You need to do something else."

Then stfu. Whoever talks next is the one making the compromise.

alohakamara · 2022-07-13T18:29:27+00:00

Your husband is a dangerous, abusive man and should never be allowed to be alone with your child. Period.

bigdaddymafi · 2022-07-13T18:43:21+00:00

Coming from your recent post. Is this the “pretty much everything” part?

Title	I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but any advice appreciated
Author	pr1ncessazula
Upvotes	58
Comments	12
Date	July 9, 2022 2:59 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/vv3i5v/im_not_sure_if_this_is_the_right_place_to_post/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/im-not-sure-if-this-is-the-right-place-to-post.1122432 https://theredarchive.com/post/1122432

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