I (F30) have been with him (M33) for nearly 6 years. We have a small homestead, a dog, a cat, and a vehicle together.

The first few years were magical. It was as if I was finally discovering what love truly was and could be. I was excited for our future together. He was kind, loving, protective, interested, and engaging. Over the past few years he has become increasingly right-wing (which is fine), harsh, critical, and often downright cruel.

He has hit me a few times. One night he hit me, I left so we could both cool down, and I returned to him to beg him not to hit me again. He hit me 6 more times across the face while I stood still, crying, with my hands at my sides, begging him not to hit me again.

He's destroyed my things (including family photos and heirlooms) in a fit of rage.

He hasn't hit me in several months but his new thing is hurtful name calling. In the past few weeks I have been called slt, whre, cnt, btch, brat, etc etc etc. None of these labels fit me. I never go out. I don't have any friends. I cook for him every single day, do all the laundry, do the dishes, do the pet care, do the grocery shopping, make all the appointments, run errands.

He is having some financial difficulties and I have offered to get a job but he does not wish me to. He always covers the rent but we are certainly not financially stable or well off.

Yesterday while he was out I sent him a series of text messages attempting to explain why the name-calling was so hurtful and damaging. Things tend not to escalate if I text him instead of attempting to speak in person. He essentially told me I deserved to be called those names and he would not have his behaviors dictated to him by a woman. I became upset and he screamed insults at me. I went on the porch to breathe and cry out of sight. He came out, spit on me, continued the insults, and then drove off with our dog.

He has since doubled down and outright refused to stop with the insults. I switched gears and moved the conversation towards apologies.

Not once in our 6 years together has he ever apologized for anything. Not for breaking my things, name-calling, hitting, for being forgetful, for saying hurtful things. Not once.

He essentially claims he refuses to be 'cucked' into an apology by emotional manipulation. However, I see an apology as an initial attempt to help heal harm committed. For me, it is an essential part of moving forward. He has recently implied he would not want our children to learn the value of a sincere apology and I'm not sure what to do about that.

As he will not apologize or explain himself in any way, I am left with all these open wounds. I hear his awful words and accusations echoing in my head all day every day. I have never felt worse about myself than I do right now. I told him this, and he told me to examine the hurt and use it to improve.

I'm so tired and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life this way, but I want to have children and a family. We've built a life together and I don't have too many more years left to start over and work towards a happy home life. The lease and the car are in his name, and he would certainly keep our dog (who is my heart).

I just want him to apologize and to promise not to hit me or call me names anymore.

Any advice/books/ANYTHING is welcome.

Thank you.