Anyone else start out long distance?

Creepy_Speaker1852 · 2022-07-31T11:18:30+00:00

Girl you have made yourself very anxious and it’s taking a toll on you it seems. Just relax, calm down and then we talk.

I have to make few assumptions here, I guess you are also Indian and you guys have met on some dating app or Skype or somewhere on the Internet.

Firstly, you are 29M and studying in China, you seem to have figured out your career and are on the right track. Do not do anything to support your relationship that would affect your career adversely, it’s a very bad decision, this guy may stay or may not (like any other relationship, who knows what the future has in store) but making yourself strong and independent will help you avoid a lot of adversities. Focus on your studies and comply by whatever restrictions they have, it’s non-negotiable

Secondly, don’t just be in a hurry to move in together, rather have separate places till you marry. Live-in is cool and helps you bond but a relationship blooms if you do things together and also have a life apart, else you lose your individuality. So take longer before you move, or wait till marriage if you can.

Thirdly, girl you are thinking too much too soon. It’s been just 2-3 months, don’t rush into job, marriage and all sort of mix up. Enjoy the courtship, if you get anxious and start yelling it will make him confused and you will come across a girl with a temper, which you aren’t. Be yourself, enjoy the calls, know him more.

Fourth, he is 24, mentally he is in his late teens. You have to understand whatever he is saying is not written on a stone wall, it’s his opinion. As he grows he will evolve, form his beliefs, know his responsibilities towards his family, he is just flying, you can make your life decisions basis somebody’s words who himself doesn’t know much yet, he is yet to see the world.

Fifth, Not disrespecting anybody’s religious beliefs, but as men age they find their connection with god getting stronger ( see how Kanye is now so Christian that it was affecting Kim’s life, but she made it clear it’s his journey and that doesn’t change anything for her, she is the same person he married) He may be doing the bare minimum now but I have seen a lot of men going full blown religious afterwards.

Sixth, 3 months into the relationship he is asking you to be a stay at home mom. That’s a red flag. It’s your decision to work or not, do you want to give up all the education you have to not work one day? If yes, it’s cool, career is not just the only ambition, being happy in life is also an ambition you have to respect. Again it’s your choice, it is making me uncomfortable. Your career is your choice and believe me being independent is a lot more helpful to you. It’s your call, don’t work if you don’t want, but don’t make this decision for him, you will resent it and him.

Finally, Indian Muslim families are mostly conservative, they would not be comfortable accepting a girl from another community, and you are older also. Ask about how conservative his family is. If later he understands his responsibilities towards his family and says he made a mistake, you will be in a tough spot. And if he becomes more religious there are topics like burqa, birth control, polygamy (which is legal for Muslim community) and so much more, they may expect you to convert your religion for marriage.

Weigh in on these pointers, and if it’s all cool just keep calm and enjoy the relationship for what it is, new, exciting, long distance.

macheagle · 2022-07-31T11:28:45+00:00

RP BF here and am also an expat in China who has done long distance. I don't usually chime in here unless I believe there's something of value I can contribute to in a post. As someone who is where you are geographically and have been in your shoes, perhaps my two cents on this might be of value to you.

I can relate to and am empathetic to your situation. However while reading your post, I noticed a few things that I'd like to caution you about. Some of these are questions and I don't need to know their answers unless you want to respond - I included them primarily to make sure you have considered them for yourself. I don't know how much relationship experience you've had, so I'll assume minimal for now. I will briefly touch on your BF and then the rest will be about long distance and travel restrictions.

Your BF is 24. Unless he's born wealthy, his SMV is likely to currently be at one of the lowest points he can be at. What is his career path and what field is he in? How much debt does he have, if any?
Career paths aside, what's his family background? Did he grow up in a broken home and how is his relationship with his parents and family? Generally speaking and at least during the initial dating stage, men tend to be the gatekeepers of commitment and women the gatekeepers of sex. The fact that he's showing strong signs of commitment so soon and especially before even having met you in person (and given his youth and SMV) tells me this could be a red flag worth paying more attention to. In some cultures here, both men and women alike can be pressured into relationships by their parents and extended families to get married ASAP, and I'm not sure if this is the case with your BF. I may be able to offer more insights on this if I knew a little more about him.Perhaps you may also feel your SMV may no longer be at its peak and therefore a man with a similar SMV may be a more suitable match - however if the man lacks both life and relationship experience due to his age, then he may not be able to lead. It takes time and experience for a man to development himself and his capabilities to be a "captain".
I work in public policy here and in my professional opinion, China is unlikely to ease international travel restrictions for at least the rest of the year. As you may know, their sticking to a dynamic zero Covid policy is likely politically based and not necessarily a scientific one. The one place within Greater China that is seeing some light at the end of the tunnel is Hong Kong. Hong Kong currently requires 7 days of quarantine (and nothing else) which is slightly better than mainland's. In August, it's also expected to announce a reduction from 7 days of hotel quarantine to only 3 or 4 days (and then the rest can be done in self-isolation "at home" though this might not apply to you). Either way, I expect further easing in travel restrictions for Hong Kong this year. Since you said you may not be in a position to travel "internationally", Hong Kong may be considered as a domestic destination to your company and this might be the best poison to pick out of all. Perhaps you and your BF may be both be able to meet in HK on "neutral grounds". Other solutions may include your changing jobs and/or relocating, or your BF relocating to China - however these all involve considerable commitment which I would not recommend until you two have dated in-person sufficiently (more on this below).
Cohabiting with an LTR without having first dated the person for at least a reasonable amount of time is always tricky. You two may still be in your "honeymoon" long distance dating phase now so all the hormones may not let you easily realize this. Over long distance, we may not have the chance to get to know the other person's expectations, boundaries, lifestyle habits, domestic/indoor habits, hygiene, tidiness, obsessions, or anything we or they might be "OCD" about. We also need time and opportunities to gauge how the LTR treats not only us but others (family, peers, public). Imagine if things don't work out and now you're stuck in another foreign country with no safety net and social network. It's not a fun purgatory to be if that happens and I wouldn't wish that upon either of you.
I'm uncertain whether the Christian vs Muslim thing will work out in the long term. Assuming this is truly OK for both of you, and assuming both of your faiths extend to your respective families as well, have you and your BF made sure your respective families would welcome this dynamic? For instance, how would your Christian parent(s) feel about getting into a parent-to-parent relationship with your BF's Muslim parent(s)?

Just my two cents. There are probably a couple more things I can think of, but the above are the ones that immediately came to mind. All the best and hang in there! Have a great rest of the Sunday evening.

Kaizen77 · 2022-07-31T16:36:20+00:00

You need to relax. You're still in the new phase, emotions are high so don't rush it. Give it a few more months to let the new wear off and you start to find out what you really have. With some patience you'll gain much more clarity. And as a biased animal lover, please take care of your dog.

gd_reinvent · 2022-07-31T18:18:27+00:00

No offense, but I would just break up. It is absolutely not worth the effort to be with someone who is so fundamentally incompatible with you on so many levels.

Firstly, Muslims on the whole must marry other Muslims. It's literally in their religion. If you're not willing up to give up your religious background then don't bother. I can assure you, no matter how Muslim he says he is or isn't, there is a 0.0001% chance it'll work out if you're not also Muslim. Furthermore, in Islam dogs are prohibited inside the home. So you probably won't even be able to keep your dog. It doesn't matter if he says his family will be accepting; when push comes to shove 99.999% of the time I have seen Indian men cave to their family's wishes especially regarding religion. Your being Christian is a giant red flag for a Muslim man from India.

Secondly, you live in China and you have known this guy for less than a school semester. Let that sink in. You are not the exception that proves the rule; most likely you are the rule. You do not know him as well as you think you do. You've had a maximum of 100 contact hours with this guy. That is NOTHING. That's two work weeks. If someone says "yeah I've been working this job for 2 weeks" you would by no means consider them an expert in their field or the job. You are not an expert on him or know anything about him to be able to make any sound judgments about his character or values or anything of importance.

Then there is the age gap. You are 29. He is 24. This is not suitable. A 29M w/ a 24F is pretty close to ideal. Switch them around and it is very, very bad. Men at 24 are just simply not mature enough or capable of being the type of partner a 29 year old woman needs. It's just not possible. You should be dating men in their 30's and 40's, not a 24 year old. He has so much more growing up to do and you are wasting your time with someone who is too young and incompatible with you.

It's not worth the risk. As a couple you two are so fundamentally incompatible that there's no point in reaching to meet someone literally halfway across the world. I would break up and reflect as to why you let this continue in the first place. You deserve someone who is compatible with you on every level; culture, religion, country etc. I think you should let him go.

throwawayJTP · 2022-07-31T22:56:52+00:00

Been in a relationship 2－3 months now. We have a lot in common. We talk every single day, usually for 1－2 hours, longer on weekends.

and

I think I am starting to have a pretty good sense of who he is,

is not enough time, especially long distance, to know who anyone is but I appreciate your optimism.

Please do not consider doing something like a visa or marriage to be closer to him.

xxGabixx · 2022-08-01T12:52:26+00:00

I have been in a long distance relationship when my country of residence didn’t allow entrance because of Corona. What we did was meet in a third country, and spend a month together there. We were very compatible so we decided I would move to his country, and now we are living together:)

In my case, we both share the same language and religion. I think that’s very valuable, but to each their own. Good luck!

wasuphomieG · 2022-08-05T12:14:36+00:00

Just chiming in as someone who was LDR for 1.5 years during covid.

I think you need to just chill, take it slower. You guys have only been together 2-3 months. This is certainly not enough time to get to know someone. In a long distance relationship it is going to take you wayyyy longer to know the person well. The time you have had together is not enough.

My advice is to continue to get to know him before even thinking about visiting and potentially making life very very hard for yourself. Give it at least 3 more months of long distance to make a decision. You could be potentially causing yourself problems (bad reference from your school, breaking your contract, leaving your dog) by visiting and at this point in time do you really know whether he is worth it?

For context my partner and myself started long distance (although we were friends irl and lived together in college for 5 months). Despite being irl friends and living with each other I still found I did not know him properly properly. That took a long time more (via distance) to actually know him deeply....and to be honest some stuff was surprising....and to be honest, I'm still expiriencing pretty bad anxiety about even temporarily moving to his country for 6 months away from everything I've ever known....but then again I don't deal well with change or new adventures really.

Overall my advice is to take it slow, give it more time and tread carefully.

Title	Anyone else start out long distance?
Author	gd_reinvent
Upvotes	10
Comments	18
Date	July 31, 2022 8:00 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/wcjifn/anyone_else_start_out_long_distance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/anyone-else-start-out-long-distance.1125802 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125802

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