Insecure and broken from my first relationship. How can I move on, improve myself, and find love someday?

stripe_throwaway · 2022-09-08T16:03:35+00:00

Maybe go into nun mode for a little while and once ready to date again, focus on dating someone in your metro area. It sounds like there are some flags which were overlooked and would have been easier to spot if this was someone being physically nearby in their natural habitat for extended periods of time.

Northernlightsaurora · 2022-09-08T16:32:34+00:00

It is also timing. Most guys at that age want to hook up and have as much sex as they can and possibly see you not so much unapproachable but more serious and put together which isn’t a bad thing. Maybe try joining some self improvement groups in your area, hobby clubs etc. One event that was very impactful for me is going to a self improvement event. It was with Tony Robbins. I made some really good connections there and it boosted not only my confidence but also creativity, helped me organise my schedule better and my thoughts. It’s truly remarkable how a room full of like minded people can lift you up and inspire you.

As for your relationship it might ended bluntly but honesty is best policy and having someone end relationship without it going on for years and years is the best gift. It doesn’t feel good but usually those uncomfortable situations what drives us to change and do better. A good coach won’t sugar coat it for you. Good coach will tear you up and get all the raw feelings opened up so you can analyse it and do better. Take this relationship as that, he was a stepping stone and your life coach for that period of your time because now you can draw from this experience and work on being the best you can. If you do that it will draw more attention and more people into your circle.

tamara090909 · 2022-09-09T19:20:25+00:00

Im so sorry for what you went though. But I have to give you some words of encouragement and maybe offer some advice. It’s probably hard to believe but I was almost in the exact same spot as you when I was 18/19. during school no boys ever paid attention to me. I was always the „below average, awkward shy“ girl and it ate at my confidence. So when I first got into dating I was sooo eager to please and treat men nice and be the girlfriend they always dreamed to have. I didn’t voice my opinion and always said yes to everything. I just wanted some attention after years of being neglected. That got me into 1 very short lived (thankfully) relationship with a man who used my awkwardness and me being unable to say no to really anything. If he wanted to go out in the evening with me I said yes even though I hated it. When he asked what we should eat I said „idk you decide“ etc. thankfully he broke up with me because I was „too boring“. The same dynamic happened during some other dates but I was able to walk away.

So what changed? I stopped placing my value on whether men find me attractive or not. I wasn’t going to be the amazing girlfriend for someone who wasn’t truly committed to me.

I expected a man to show me his interest rather than tell me how interested he was. I started to expect more from men. I started to have my own opinions and learn how to speak up. For the longest time I felt sooo uncomfortable and awkward. But you know what helped me most? Pretend.

Pretend to be that girl that you aspire to be. For me I wanted to become a more extroverted woman who was able to have small talk with strangers, make them feel comfortable in my presence, talk with gentleness but firmness, put up boundaries and voice discomfort. That was the personality I aspired to have. And after 2 years now I feel so accomplished. Now I don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m just that.

Then I also worked on my looks, outfit, makeup and haircare. I might not be an Instagram model but most men truly don’t expect you to be that. Natural and enhanced beauty goes such a long way. Focus on the features you love and accentuate them. Luscious hair, a clean and glowing skin, mascara blush and lipgloss will elevate everyone’s beauty. I also started dressing like I truly wanted to and stopped following trends.

I hope this helps 💕

KatjaE · 2022-09-08T17:02:38+00:00

Hi! I wanted to touch on your newly found faith. I think this could be a great springboard for you. Even if he introduced you to Christianity faith is a life long personal journey. Maybe finding a church/ youth bible study group etc. could be great in finding like minded people and even similar inclined men! Also, it sounds a bit like your bf was a slight porn addict. His comparisons although hurtful just fall short to me because porn and online girls just loose a lot of value over time because all they offer is sexual attraction. That might be fun when you’re 21 but it’s not anymore once you get closer to 30 and you realize you’re alone. We can’t all be sexy cam girls…it’s not even realistic. Don’t base your entire self worth on his misguided view of women. You were not made to live up to porn or the 1% of women that make up the beauty standards in our world. You’re still very young and so was he. Give this some time. The first love is ALWAYS the hardest to get through. Maybe explore your emotions in an artistic way if possible? Writing always helps (wrote a whole poetry book after my first break up lol) me but if you got other talents - musical or painting avenues are also great.

AutoModerator · 2022-09-08T15:58:44+00:00

Title: Insecure and broken from my first relationship. How can I move on, improve myself, and find love someday?

Full text: Hi Red Pill Women! I’ve posted here on a different account before but I’m including some specific details here, and would rather not have some of this info on my main account. Sorry in advance for the long post, I just feel that I need to explain everything to get the proper advice. Thank you so much for reading!

Some background: I’m 19f, graduated high school a year ago, worked all year this year, and just moved far away for college three weeks ago. I entered my first relationship at the end of my senior year of high school. It continued on through my year off from school and all the way up until this summer. We were together for 15 months and he (21m) broke it off just shy of three months ago.

Not to go into too much detail about the relationship, but here’s some background on that: We met online and were long distance for the entirety of the relationship (visits every few months). There were plans to shorten the distance significantly, but the relationship came to an end shortly before this was set to happen. He didn’t treat me well and I felt pretty crappy about myself while I was with him. There’s too much to go into with this but I’ll keep it short: Looking at porn/models, talking to other girls online, and a lack of respect for me. This stuff only happened in our earlier days, luckily. That behavior stopped later in the relationship when he truly realized how wrong it was.

The reason why he ended the relationship? He wasn’t sexually attracted to me and he ended it solely because my looks. He initially tried to deny his lack of attraction because he wanted to be with me, but then realized that it wouldn’t work out well long term if he didn’t have the same feelings of attraction that I had towards him. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of us. This obviously hurts a lot, but I only want the best for him and wouldn’t want him trapped in a relationship with someone who he didn’t feel that kind of attraction towards. I want him to be happy.

I asked him if there was anything I possibly could’ve done differently, and he said there was nothing I could’ve done. The one thing that caused the relationship to end was something that I couldn’t even change about myself. It’s such a shame. It is a relief to know that there were no issues with my personality, how I treated him, etc. I treated him very well and was there for him during some of the hardest times of his life. He thanked me for treating him so well and being so sweet to him during our time together.

After nearly two months of no contact, he reached out about meeting up one last time for closure (since we live near each other now). The breakup happened while we were on opposite coasts of the US so we never really got closure. He visited me and we spent a day together last weekend. We wished each other well, caught up, and there were many tears on both ends. He said that he still cares about me so much, and he knows that I’m going to make a guy very happy one day. He said that he didn’t have enough sexual love towards me to stay, but promised me that somebody will someday. I’m very happy that we were finally able to get the proper closure. I feel better about things now.

One thing that did bother me during our final meetup is that he bluntly rated me on the 1-10 scale. He told me that I’m a 5/10 face wise and 7/10 body wise, which was pretty hurtful to hear. I’m very damaged from this relationship, especially because of the reason it ended. I’ve always been an insecure person and being in this relationship made my insecurities far worse.

Before I met him, I had never once received male attention in my life (I was 18 at the time). Two guys from school started showing interest in me shortly after I started dating him, and if that never happened, my confidence would be even worse now. It’s been a year and a half since that happened and I haven’t received any attention since. Everyone I’m surrounded by in college is receiving so much male attention while I’m receiving none. Both of my college roommates have multiple guys crushing on them, which makes me feel far worse.

I was never the type to put much effort into my looks and I’m not girly. I never dressed up, wore makeup, wore jewelry, or painted my nails. My hair was always up in a ponytail and I was always wearing athletic clothes. It wasn’t until this year when I finally started wearing my hair down and dressing a little nicer. I still can’t get myself to wear makeup (other than concealer on my acne if needed), paint my nails, or wear jewelry. It just wouldn’t feel like me.

I’ve always been shy and I don’t have a ton of friends. I don’t know how to talk to guys without coming off as extremely awkward. Because I’m shy, guys might see me as unapproachable. I’ve never been flirted with and I have zero clue how to flirt. The experiences I had in my relationship have convinced me that there is something wrong with me. I feel like I’m simply incapable of being loved in a sexual or romantic way. People I used to go to school with would call me ugly behind my back as well. My female friends would promise me that I’m beautiful and definitely above average, but it’s hard to believe them. It’s going to take me a very long time to heal from all of this. I won’t be okay for a long time.

My ex had a very big impact on my life for many reasons. He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with, he’s my first love, and he preached the Gospel to me. I’m a new Christian and I wouldn’t be a Christian today without him. I’m saving myself for marriage and I prefer to marry a virgin. I hope to marry on the younger end, but I’m really worried that I won’t be able to find anybody, especially someone who has the same values as me, loves me, is attracted to me, and treats me well. I also feel discouraged as a majority of guys my age want hookups and casual relationships rather than commitment and marriage.

What could I do to recover from this, learn to love myself, improve myself, and find love someday? I’m really broken, insecure, and discouraged. I don’t see myself dating for a while since I need time to heal, but I know that I eventually need to put myself out there. Any and all advice and guidance is welcome. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post, I appreciate it so much :)

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