How to develop confidence & self worth despite a lack of male attention

Teacup000 · 2022-10-04T22:43:41+00:00

Being with my ex completely destroyed my self worth. No matter how many times someone says I'm beautiful, I refuse to believe it.

What you're suffering from is called negativity bias. This is a normal aspect of human nature, and it serves a valuable purpose.

I feel that my self worth is solely based on the amount of male attention that I'm getting (so it's very low, lol).

I’m just worried that I’m objectively below average and I’ll never find a man who’s attracted to me, meaning I’d end up single/alone for life.

However, if left unchecked, it will corrupt your outlook, as you are experiencing here.

You need to rebalance. Examine your relationship with your ex, find your key takeaways, and move on. Otherwise you will self-sabotage.

To me, it sounds like your key takeaways are this:

one person says you have an average SMV, others say it's higher
you are willing to raise your SMV through dress and self-care, but not surgery
it's important your future SO finds you attractive

As an observer, I would also add this:

you can focus on improving your RMV, as this matters a ton in LDRs
you might want to observe the actions/dress/hangout spots of your friends and see if there's something you can adopt
being desperate for attention and validation from men can easily send you down a dangerous path. Don't chase the short term at the expense of the long term

Anecdote:

My husband has a high SMV and dated a women with an average SMV for a few years before me. The reason their relationship failed was mostly due to her low RMV. Being average looking isn't a death sentence, I promise you.

abishagofthevalley · 2022-10-04T21:26:15+00:00

I stopped reading at some point.

Build your life in such a manner that you never again rate yourself on a fucking number scale.

I mean you go on about your nose but the whole vibe Im getting is, omg she's one of those who functions according to that script.

Im sorry I cant be kinder, it's 00:20 and Im at work etc etc but I mean this well. Lose the rating and this whole scripted framing you downloaded from certain web content, and not only that but you downloaded a whole boyfriend like that, too. None of this will be conducive of any self esteem in the ever of evers.

I feel that if you adjusted your way of thinking and brought it more to the real world and not such wannabe redpill NPC's, then your entire outlook on life, love, your own person would shift for the better and you'd find out you have the tools to improve them and enrich your entire life experience.

a_tall_amanda · 2022-10-04T21:42:07+00:00

You aren't an object to be rated as a 0 or 10

sunglasses90 · 2022-10-05T01:13:41+00:00

I’m going to be biased because I got a nose job at 26. My life was extremely fulfilling before the surgery. I wasn’t ugly by any means and neither are you. But our types of noses aren’t conventionally attractive so I’d say I would rate exactly the same as you. I think the surgery definitely helped me land more attractive men to date. It definitely gave me confidence and has given me more confidence/satisfaction with my looks every day for the last 3 years. What I will say is I had the same dilemma. Do I really pay all this money to change myself and the way God made me? I put it off for a long time, but I finally made the decision to do it. I don’t regret it because I did have a lot of sadness over my nose and people made comments about it.

Either way you’re still you. If it bothers you everyday like mine did maybe consider the surgery. All I’ll say is have realistic expectations about that too. You aren’t going to be a super model because of a nose job, you will be you with a straighter/smaller nose that’s all.

Or find a guy who loves those types of noses. They are actually out there who absolutely love “Roman” noses. Also, date older guys who are more mature and less worried about stuff like that.

yoginiph · 2022-10-04T22:54:01+00:00

Hello there! What I’m going to tell you is to focus on yourself and not the attention people will give you. You are still young and have a lot of time to bloom. I literally grew up an ugly duckling, so I had to compensate for being smart and personable. I read a lot and learned how to communicate well, quite frankly I became well rounded because of all the compensating I had to do because I’m not that gifted in the looks department growing up.

BUT you will grow up and you will learn how to take care of yourself physically. You will learn how to dress according to your shape and your face and body will change as you age! As long as you know how to take care of yourself, it is only positive growths from here on onwards.

It was what happened to me. I am still single now but can tell you that because I was able to develop my personality when I was young and looks growing up, the men I attract now are better and of good caliber.

Remember that this is a long game. You are still young, you have a long way to go. Goodluck.

HumanFamilyMember · 2022-10-05T16:20:33+00:00

People reflect back to you how you treat yourself in your inner world.

Are you gentle, encouraging, and loving towards yourself, internally?

Are you being mean and critical with yourself? Or grateful, gentle and loving?

How would you feel about someone who is constantly criticizing your nose?

Is the world a more loving, beautiful place thanks to your existence?

People who learn to love their quirks become so charming!

And anything can be turned to gold once you choose to see the gold in it.

yoshi_the_cat · 2022-10-04T23:16:47+00:00

Girl, there’s so much to unpack here but just a few thoughts:

I love a strong nose and so does my husband. You’re like a Greek goddess, Please try to change your thinking on your nose - it makes you unique, gives your face definition, it’s you! It’s your nose!
You are so much more than a number that some asshat decided when he was probably in a shit mood. It doesn’t matter what he thinks - he can go suck one. Please don’t take what he said as truth.
Your value, your awesomeness, your beauty is not based on how you look or how you dress, or even how you think of yourself. Your actual beauty is almost unseeable to you, you are so beautiful to the people who love you, who adore your beautiful laugh or the way you always try to make friends with animals, or how focused you get when you’re really concentrating. He might not have thought you were beautiful, because he wasn’t in love with you. But that doesn’t mean that you are unlovable. When you meet someone and fall in love with them, which will happen, maybe more than once in your life, The right person is gonna think you are so goddamn beautiful. They’re gonna love you that much.
The best way to prepare yourself to accept this future love is to start loving yourself now. Stop saying unkind thoughts to yourself. Stop caring how other people see you, and start treating yourself like your own best friend. You wouldn’t emotionally beat the shit out of your best friend, why would you do it to yourself?
It sounds like you have so many amazing other qualities to offer the world - Focus on finding people who share those interests, or value the same values, and you will have a much stronger connection that won’t be based on looks.

Sending you lots of love!

Hubbub_skywalker · 2022-10-05T10:46:21+00:00

At the end of the day, looks will fade, but true beauty and inner beauty will remain. I have often been described as more attractive than my best friend who is constantly showered with male attention, has had boyfriends and flings. Whenever I’m out with her, I get less than half the male attention she gets. The reason why is because she is loud and confident and talks to everyone whereas I am more private and do not like to act as much of a degenerate as she does. I still love her but the kind of male attention she gets is not always a good thing. As well as this, she is quite a high maintenance person in terms of appearance, getting fake tans, bleaching her hair, false eyelashes, whereas I do none of these things. Generally, making these comparisons is folly. Something like a nose will not take the shine away from you as a person, and just remember the only male attention that is truly important is the kind that looks beyond your looks and at your personality, your health and your femininity.

Maree70 · 2022-10-04T21:55:56+00:00

You might be overthinking your appearance you probably look fine also your ex rated you a 5/10 that’s puts you in the average category not sure how he killed your self esteem. That’s his opinion of you not everyone.

AutoModerator · 2022-10-04T21:18:29+00:00

Title: How to develop confidence & self worth despite a lack of male attention

Full text: Hi all! I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but thought I'd ask for some advice.

I'm 19, almost 20, and have received almost zero male attention throughout my entire life. Two guys had a crush on me at the very end of high school and I've had one boyfriend (who left me because of my looks), but that's it. I'm a college student and have not received even the slightest amount of male attention since starting college. Some of the girls in my social circle in college are constantly swarmed with male attention, and it sometimes feels like I'm the only one who is invisible to men. It's very frustrating and demoralizing.

My female friends and family members compliment me on my looks a good amount. They tell me I'm definitely above average, that I'm beautiful, that I have pretty hair/eyes, etc. People are often surprised about how little male attention I receive. They promise that they truly mean it when complimenting my looks and aren't just being nice, but it's hard to believe it when I'm virtually invisible to guys.

However, my ex rated me a 5/10 face wise and 7/10 body wise. I met my ex online and we dated online for a few months before meeting in person. I'm half convinced that he got with me only because he hadn't seen my side profile before we became official. I'm extremely insecure about my nose, it's too big for my face and I have a noticeable dorsal hump. I’m not a fan of it, but I’m never going to get surgery. My nose ruins my side profile. I'm convinced that my nose plays a part in my lack of male attention and brings my rating down on the 1-10 scale. I feel like I'm about average, but my nose might make me look slightly below average? I don't even know. Some days I feel like a solid 6, other days like a 3-4.

Being with my ex completely destroyed my self worth. No matter how many times someone says I'm beautiful, I refuse to believe it. Even if I tell myself that they're really being truthful, I still can't accept it. I feel like my self worth will only go up if guys find me attractive and tell me I’m beautiful (my ex refused to call me beautiful, he’d only say I’m cute). I feel that my self worth is solely based on the amount of male attention that I'm getting (so it's very low, lol).

I can dress nicer, take care of myself, put more effort into my looks, etc, but I can't just change my nose/side profile (unless I get surgery, which I'm not going to do). From the front I look decent, but my side profile is definitely weaker than the front of my face. I was born with these looks, and I just have to work with what I’ve got I guess.

I’m not sure if the lack of male attention is a valid reason to have low self worth/confidence, or if I truly need to learn to love myself before others love me. I can’t tell if I’m just ruined from that relationship, or if my looks are truly problematic enough to prevent me from finding a man. If I’m just objectively unattractive because of my side profile, how can I accept that and still love myself? How can I boost my confidence and self worth despite the lack of validation from men? I’m just worried that I’m objectively below average and I’ll never find a man who’s attracted to me, meaning I’d end up single/alone for life. How do I accept the possibility of this? Any tips or advice is appreciated :)

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ZombieUnicorn1013 · 2022-10-05T11:02:26+00:00

I hated my nose at some point too. People commented on it (squiward) and 💩 like that. I think I eventually grew into it or just stopped thinking about it overall. I started hitting the gym and am now powerlifting/bodybuilding . It gave me so much confidence cus I feel strong and saw changes in my body. I Focused on what I could change on my body. Eat healthier, be active, and take chances. If guys don’t come up to you , you go up to them. I felt the exact same way I had no one come up to me, in fact I got rejected a good amount of times. As I keep developing my body I’m sure more guys now want to hmu as they we tried to come back into my life (the ones that rejected me) and just like you my ex threw down my self esteem as well for 4 years. I’m 22, went up to a guy when I was 20. He’s my soulmate now married and having a baby. Met him at the gym too. It might not happen as fast but focus on what you can change, start working out it boosts confidence within yourself, and at the end of the day an active lifestyle and good personality draws attention away from your flaws. Guys worth the time will look past just your face. And one day when you meet the right one you’ll be sitting down, watching cartoons, sipping on hot chocolate and talking about how insecured about your knows you used to or even still will be. And if he’s the right one he will tell you to shut up cus you’re beautiful

sugar515646 · 2022-10-06T06:49:56+00:00

just go to anthropologie my love

sugar515646 · 2022-10-06T06:52:10+00:00

i don't know why no one's telling you what you don't always know at 19 about your looks and your attractiveness, so i'm not going to either.

mihapiha · 2022-10-11T20:59:20+00:00

I cannot judge your looks based on the discription, but I cannot imagine that it‘s as bad as you make it sound. Personally, I‘d separate between the words „cute“, „beautiful“, „hot“ and „attractive“. I‘m not sure others do, but at least I do. If someone says „she‘s cute“ in my head it means she‘s got a cute face and youthful appearance. „She‘s hot“ implies body, „beautiful“ means nothing really, because everything can be beautiful, even a painting. And now come the two words I think girls/woman should want to hear from their men: „pretty“ to me implies an objective beauty, which men tell their friends about, and „attractive“ means she‘s great the way she is, no matter if anybody agrees or not. It‘s very subjective.

Any human can greatly improve their looks by being cheerful. Woman who smile become quickly quite attractive. And „attractive“ is the right word. At age 20 you also have to understand that the men you‘re looking at, are not too mature yet either, and tend to „over-sensationalise“ on looks which does change in a few years anyhow.

Title	How to develop confidence & self worth despite a lack of male attention
Author	erunzzz
Upvotes	43
Comments	43
Date	October 4, 2022 9:18 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/xvr0nc/how_to_develop_confidence_self_worth_despite_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-develop-confidence-self-worth-despite-a.1135088 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135088