• How old are you (and how old is your partner) and how familiar are you with RPW?

My husband and I are both 31. I am new to RPW.

  • What is your relationship status?

Married

  • What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!)

My husband and I view the purpose of our marriage very differently. We have a generally happy, traditional marriage. We have four young children and will likely have one more and then be done. We're at a good place in life and have had no major stressors in our marriage though we dated for several years before and had a lengthy breakup before getting back together which still causes some resentment from both of us from time to time. To cut to the chase, we had a conversation a few days ago where my husband kindly and clearly laid things out for me. He feels that our marriage is primarily for the practical purposes of raising a family, he considers me a great friend and partner, and our sex is good but that he feels I create problems for myself by being overly attached to romantic ideals of love that are not realistic. Romantic/passionate love is something he considers a foolish, youthful trait that he has outgrown and would encourage me to do that same. It seems to me that the purpose of our relationship is as a practical fulfillment of roles to him and to me it has been motivated by romantic feelings. I have often been surprised that he seemed disinterested in me and dispassionate because it was not always so. I don't feel entitled to him having these feelings for me, I should clarify. The core of my issue is what do I do with myself now that I've accepted that he doesn't? I made a lot of choices in my life with the aim of pleasing my husband that I would in no way have made if I had understood that while he loves me, it is in a way I would characterize as more familial and less passionate or romantic. I'm committed to making the marriage work and he says he's happy but ever since realizing how he felt I have been hiding a deep despair and loss of motivation that has made my daily functioning difficult. The way this difference manifests in our life and creates conflict is that I still want to go on dates and spend time with him and have strong romantic feelings for him, but he is happiest with me when I am keeping the kids busy and giving him lots of space for alone time. I know this may come off as me reading too much into the situation, but he has told me explicitly that he does not find me that interesting anymore and that he prefers time alone to work on his hobbies and interests and that couples time is something of a chore that he does because it keeps me contented and better functioning in my role.

TL;DR: I'm still really into my husband in a butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of way and he's not that into me. The future looks pretty bleak, and I don't know how to move forward.

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  • How have you contributed to the problem?

Failure to understand my husband's views and motivations. I feel I've been working towards an impossible goal. I've built my life around the idea that my husband loved me in the same way that I love him and when things in life inevitably contradicted that viewpoint, I would just focus on trying to change or better myself to get a different result...but I've obviously failed at it. I either didn't understand men in general, or didn't understand my husband specifically, or both. I was ignorant. I've also contributed to the problem by making poor decisions. If I had never left him when we were dating years ago it is entirely possible, he would value me more now. That's a long and complicated story but we were young, there was no infidelity, but both had brief marriages and divorces in the time we were apart. I think I made a mistake in thinking that because he proposed to me, and we married and are seemingly happy that we were on the same page emotionally. I can accept responsibility, but I don't know what I can do about it going forward. He told me I was "An ordinary woman, with an ordinary blend of virtues and vices, and that doesn't merit a passionate response." which would seem to indicate that I should just find a way to be more interesting and illicit that passionate response, but I can't see the way to do so at this stage of my life.

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  • How long has this been an issue?

A long time but I've only recently grasped it. I've been in denial for years.

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  • What have you done to resolve this problem?

In practice I've just accepted it and gone on with business as usual. When he laid things out for me, I told him I understood and that while it obviously wasn't what I had expected I would respect his needs. I've been less emotive and have stopped trying to arrange date nights for us which has yielded a good response. I've been keeping myself busy which isn't hard with four kids, school, and a part-time job. I take the kids out more often, so he's not as overwhelmed by the chaos of four kids and can have some more peace at home. I try to fit in time for my own hobbies and interests but I'm finding it difficult while dealing with such young kids.

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  • How long have you been together?

11 years cumulatively

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  • Is your relationship long-distance?

No

  • Do you have an active bedroom life?

It varies. Currently 4-5x/week but has been as low as 2-3x/month at points in the past.