Becoming a stepmother the RPW way.

anothergoodbook · 2023-01-03T19:23:51+00:00

Edit: a few things I thought of later: make sure to correct yourself if you speak over him. And be quick to apologize. Model that behavior and show him the respect you are asking for. If you read Laura Doyle and apply some of those ideas - they go a long way. When things are calm, saying things like, “I really appreciated your input on xyz. Essentially the things you focus on become greater. So express gratitude toward him. Also, make sure he does have things in which he has control. If he’s a first born that’s pretty important anyway. And since so many things are out of his control - make sure he has things that he has control over. How about every third time you go out to eat, he does get to choose (within some parameters of course). If there are small things that he could have a say in - that’s not a bad idea to ask for his opinion before he gets the chance to give it. He probably doesn’t know his place in the house and in your relationship either. Figure out what that is with your husband and the both of you discuss it with him and get his input on it. He probably feels just like you are to be honest!

Okay. I have 4 children no step children. I am not submissive to my children. And I have one very, very difficult child out of the four.

First of all - I don’t ask my husband most things in front the kids that are important and my children aren’t involved in (like the budget). That’s a private conversation. So eliminate the “trigger” for those situations to start with.

Secondly, 13 year olds are obnoxious and you need to not read so much into his behavior. Yes it needs to be corrected. But every 13 year old is something else lol.

Your husband needs to take charge if your step son is talking over you. He needs to put him in his place and say, “excuse me stepmom is speaking and you may not speak over her”. And the issue needs to be pushed by him. And it sounds like a habit that’s been allowed to continue so it may take a while to get it under control.

I do not argue with my difficult son (he is 12). There is a consequence for actions and he does not get warnings. If he gets an attitude with me (that was always the precursor to a huge “tantrum”) it’s - go to your room. No arguing, no logic, nothing. If he refused - my husband did the heavy discipline when he got home (he doesn’t need this anymore as we’ve done it often enough that it’s has gotten better).

I tell my children, “this isn’t fun when you whine so I’m done playing this game. I enjoy playing games with you and I would really love to be able to. But when you whine and criticize it makes it very unpleasant for me to do so. So I am done playing”.

Your husband needs to model and require respect toward you. That is his place here - not yours. And arguing with him puts you on his level and makes you look childish.

Also - lines need to be drawn far before he is shouting. If he repeats his suggestion - it’s “we heard your suggestion the first time. You do not need to repeat yourself”.

I’m trying to cover everything lol… Most of this needs to be done with zero emotion or reactivity. My son thrives off of getting us emotional and stirred up. It’s just a simple statement. “Do not speak over me. It is rude. I would like to hear what you have to say, but you will need to wait until I am finished.”

My husband does a lot of the teaching moments outside of the “fights”. He talks about having his own family one day and how he needs to treat his wife. He talks about working and how his behavior wouldn’t fly in a workspace. We also spend lots of positive time with our kids.

I agree with others. You won’t be his mom. Moms and boys have enough to deal with in their relationship. At this point he needs to be respectful toward you so you can homeschool him and he will listen to you as a teacher.

hissyyfit1 · 2023-01-03T18:44:42+00:00

I mean, this is kind of textbook. You married a divorcee with a child. Nothing wrong with that, but divorce is really traumatic for kids, and at thirteen, he’s changing, growing, and dealing with an unfortunate dynamic/situation. What you’re feeling - frustration, an inability to bond with your stepson, guilt - is all normal. It’s also normal for him to lash out and be generally unpleasant at this time.

My advice would be to build a strong support network around yourself. If your husband has managed to improve the situation with his child, then continue to let him lead. You should tell your husband about the waning attraction or figure out a way to open dialogue up so your marriage doesn’t suffer. Are you less attracted to him because you have to drop the submissiveness in order to be disciplinary? Or because you feel he’s letting your stepson be disrespectful?

You’ll never have the relationship your stepson has with his actual mother, but that isn’t a bad thing. Maybe what he needs is a maternal figure, not another mom. That should take a little pressure off. Maybe when he is older and mature, he’ll appreciate he has someone he doesn’t necessarily view as a disciplinary figure but more like a “safe” person to talk to. Or maybe he won’t. Either way, you married into this, and the best thing you can do is be accepting and understanding. Lots of teens are like this. Also, you could take advantage of this experience so if your own children go through a phase, you’ll have some solid foresight already.

Maybe read some books about step-parenting troubled kids or get on a message board with other step parents who post their tips and tricks. It might be nice to unload around people who are going through the same thing as you too.

sunglasses90 · 2023-01-03T17:32:28+00:00

Divorce is really really hard on kids. The instability is really difficult. I don’t really know much you can do other than try your best. A kid won’t see that, but as he grows into an adult he will.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-01-03T19:16:59+00:00

What's so wrong with being a big sister type, at least for now? You're only 15 years older than him and he already has a problem with authority. I think that's the best you can do for the moment.

You say it's "just his personality," but also that he's made major improvements. Perhaps he has an assertive personality, but the disrespect is not an ingrained trait. It seems like your husband's tactic of ignoring him and finding the right moments to correct him is working. Arguing with him or scolding him just gives him an outlet to argue back or get angry. Don't validate the behavior. Instead, find age appropriate ways to reward the behavior you do want. That could look like talking over him and deciding on dinner without his input until he speaks at an appropriate volume one night, tantrum be damned. If you keep doing that, he'll eventually realize that the only way to get a say is to be civil and then you include him in the discussion and choose something he likes, too.

The same goes for submissive behavior to your husband. If he tells you to do something, just don't. If he asks why, tell him he needs to ask more politely. He'll undoubtedly be a jerk about it... and eventually he'll say please if he really does want you to bring him a glass of water. Private conversations regarding things like the budget shouldn't really come up in front of him anyway.

Being a teenage boy who hasn't had a daily relationship with his father for years, while he tries to scramble to become a man sounds awful. He doesn't know how to manage his emotions, how to be assertive without being a bully, how to be polite and considerate without being a simp. If you can ride this wave, there's a very good chance that just having him in your home, being raised by his father, will make a huge difference.

cringe_but_not_a_sin · 2023-01-04T00:18:43+00:00

What would happen if you yielded to the stepson? Listened to him and asked him questions and take him seriously? "Oh you think our budget should be x dollars, why is that?"

I don't have children so I'm not sure where is the line between being the model of punishment and control vs when to treat them respectfully like little adults

What I do know is people act like little kids when they feel disrespected and hurt. Of course this kid is extra hurt. He probably feels unimportant. He couldn't do anything to prevent their parents from separating, he probably feels last on everyone's priorities.

There is probably a reason why your husband went through a divorce and sought you, a compliant and submissive woman. His wife was probably extremely domineering and criticizing like the son is being. But even if she wasn't, anyone acts that way when they're hurt. I would suggest you be really sympathetic and understanding to the son and see a "hurt child" instead of "domineering brat" In general I find if you give men the power and respect they seek (eg. Acting as if his opinions are important, or in other ways) they won't try to take it by being loud and attention seeking.

I don't think it's being submissive, it's about being the one adult in his life who finds his human life valuable. It's gotta be extremely painful to be a child of divorce, seeing his mom probably fall apart without her wonderful husband. Seeing the dad remarry and make a new family. He's got to feel forgotten and unimportant. The two adults in his life who was supposed to care for him put their own needs instead of him first. If you can find sympathy for this child you can become his ally and mentor in what a woman should be and he will grow up to be a proper young gentlemen. Instead of reacting to his tantrums with more harshness he could see a woman value and respect him, and how she respects his dad. He won't think all marriages end in divorce. He could see how happy you and his dad is. He could feel important if you go out of your way to prioritize him and be nice to him. Like taking him out shopping or for a nice meal, get him a gift, play his favorite game with him. My suggestion is I see a child who feels hurt and unimportant. I think this is a perfect example of why people shouldn't get divorces and should try to work on their marriages bc the kids are the collateral damage from the fallout.

AutoModerator · 2023-01-03T17:21:27+00:00

Title: Becoming a stepmother the RPW way.

Full text: My husband and I have a very traditional setup right now - he provides wonderfully; I’m pregnant and take care of our baby. I cook and clean; he handles the finances completely. I dropped out of a top-tier engineering graduate program when we met and have been super happy as a homemaker.

My husband has totally earned my service and devotion. He’s a selfless leader, gentle and kind at work and at home, and responsible with the authority he exercises in our marriage. There is only one place it seems like he doesn’t have control.

My husband has a 13-year-old from a previous marriage. I’m 28 and my husband is 47, so I’m actually closer in age to the 13-year-old (weird, I know). He’s taller than me and has an involved mother, so I haven’t been able to feel maternal toward him, at best protective like an older sister.

But his personality is completely opposite to my husband’s. He’s an aggressive, argumentative, domineering personality but also very whiny? It’s like his life strategy is to talk over everyone else louder and more demandingly until he gets his way. Like if we’re trying to pick a restaurant for dinner, he’ll shout his preference over everyone over and over, louder and more insistently, until he gets his way or we draw a line - and if we draw a line, he’ll slam the car door and whine about it loudly the whole way there. And this happens over and over all day. Doesn’t faze my husband somehow.

If I or any other adult (his mom, grandparents, teacher, my husband’s colleague) asks him to do something, he absolutely will not hesitate to defiantly say, “No.” My husband is really the only person he listens to and even that is only after pushing back as much as he can.

The bit that grates on me most is just the constant dominance-seeking. He tries to find ways to correct us and tell us what to do all day long as if we’re children about things that don’t affect him at all (“you need to get in the other lane”, “why did you let that spoon go down the garbage disposal, you need to be more careful”, “you need to start giving the baby less attention so she’s prepared for the new baby” etc) and i find it shockingly disrespectful and exhausting. If I ask my husband a question that my stepson couldn’t possibly know the answer to (i.e., “what is our budget for X this month”) my stepson will ALWAYS answer loudly and confidently (and usually wrongly) before my husband (“probably like $X but we really shouldn’t be spending more on that”). Like I cannot speak to my husband with my stepson in the room without him taking over.

My husband is working with him and corrects him often, but mostly he just ignores it which is much harder for me to do. My stepson has improved a lot over the last couple years - when I first moved in he was calling his parents stupid jerks on a daily basis with no consequences, so there’s been a huge shift and I don’t know how much the rest of it can actually change. It’s just his personality.

Now it was just decided that he’s going to live with us full time and homeschool next year and I don’t know what to do.

It’s hard to be submissive toward my husband with my stepson in the house because I’m so not OK with being submissive toward a child and I have to seriously tap into my dominant/argumentative side to not be disrespected when he’s here. I also find it harder to be attracted to my husband in this dynamic.

I’m really dreading the next year. Any advice?

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LowlyLizzieBCG · 2023-01-04T02:13:04+00:00

Wow. I don’t have a lot of time to reply but your life mirrors mine to a degree.

My husband and my age is similar to yours and I have a stepson the same age and originally had -semi- similar issues.

My best advice is to literally kill this part of his personality with submissiveness. You said that his mom is involved,but do you know her? My kids mom was “involved” but a pos. Once she left the picture my kid changed 360. I think he was trying to compensate for his disdain for her. Every woman he was around was a little version of her. His biological mom -he wouldn’t stand up to but he wanted to dominate all the other women in his life.

He needed to see that not all women were shit. I just think it’s something worth considering.

Title	Becoming a stepmother the RPW way.
Author	tddyddtdd
Upvotes	6
Comments	9
Date	January 3, 2023 5:21 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/102dovp/becoming_a_stepmother_the_rpw_way/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/becoming-a-stepmother-the-rpw-way.1147240 https://theredarchive.com/post/1147240

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