I have no recollection of ever being comforted when crying

typhonblue · 2013-12-05T04:30:16+00:00

I'm not surprised. Statistically parents comfort their boys a lot less. So the law of averages would suggest at least a few boys aren't comforted at all.

Infant boys need to "cry it out" after all. Better for them to learn the lesson that no one's going to help them as early as possible.

But, you know, patriarchy hurts men too. Even men who are twelve hours old.

2013-12-05T05:57:59+00:00

The problem is that when someone, especially a child is crying, the reaction by the ones around is "Sshhh, shhh, don't cry, it's ok". This really leads to suppress emotions and have the mentality that "crying is not ok".

I'll tell you more, from personal experience. In general, seeing someone crying is not comfortable, but seeing an adult man crying is a very uncomfortable situation unless you're prepared and used to it. People tend to avoid crying men because it's very uncomfortable and instead of handling this discomfort and support someone who needs it, they prefer to just run away or pretend that it's not happening.

Anger is the most interesting feeling in my opinion, as it's a very powerful feeling that has an empowering force behind it. If you're angry, you have a drive to do things. However, anger can be scary, so we're also taught to not be angry. Do you know to what this leads? To suppressed anger and hidden anger is very dangerous in many regards. Passive/aggressive behaviour, ticking bombs, etc. Real anger shouldn't be any dangerous, but again, it's uncomfortable to witness.

Thanks to therapy and group therapy I witness, and experience, very powerful emotions which help me to understand things and people a lot better.

Future parents, please read this : Don't try to suppress your children's feelings and emotions. Their future selves and everybody around them will appreciate it. Is the kid angry at YOU? Take responsibility and see why this could be. It doesn't have to be reasonable, but saying "don't be angry, at least you have food and toys not like the kids in Africa" is irresponsible and immature parenting. Is the kid crying? Let it be, let the kid try, be there for them, but don't suppress it. We're not talking about babies here, but about bit older children that already have a wide array of emotions running through their bodies.

EDIT : Actually my last paragraph can be related to anyone. Is your partner angry at you? Don't shift blame, take responsibility for what it could have caused it. People are not angry randomly. The reason may be related to you, or actually the issue is this person's own anger finding a way to get out. In this case, don't take it personally and help this person figure out what was the reason behind that emotion.

Bodertz · 2013-12-05T08:19:36+00:00

Your experience is different than mine, for sure. I cried at everything. Everything. Just everything.

Anyway, there were always a few people who tried to comfort me, although I didn't actually want it, because I knew I needed to grow up.

warspite88 · 2013-12-05T09:57:20+00:00

there are times when crying is a self absorbed emotion for example when you dont get what you want, you cry (or whine) you cannot expect sympathy except from a white knight type. (not saying this is your situation im just going into examples)

there are times when crying is a result of genuine grief or pain or just a loss of knowing what to do, this is what society tries to stifle in men because society wants men to just suck it up, and come up with solutions and work hard regardless of pain, grief or lacking. women and men put this burden on mens shoulders and it is evil its wrong and it has nothing to do with survival it has everything to do with a disconnect with humanity and caring for men. that is what needs a revolution and a change is a genuine care and love for men in our society... when we see a man crying, we should not think he is weak or not a man , rather we as people should want to help him just as we have always done with women.

but note there are those who cry too much, they cry wolf and they do it more for attention or to take advantage of others sympathy. they are just as wrong because it takes away from those who truly deserve help and affection.

nuclear_unicycle · 2013-12-05T05:54:50+00:00

Well, why not share some stories while I'm on my throwaway?

I cry a lot. Stress, breakups, regret over my past actions, and even some movies, you name it. I rarely cried when I was little, but now I become weepy like a baby when I'm drunk; I wonder if it's common. But I digress.

I had never had any troubles having someone to comfort me. It never came from random strangers though, but probably most of my friends and girlfriends did this at one point or another. Some were eager, some were reluctant (especially girlfriends; one even was visibly disgusted at first, but got over it and started to help with time.) But the best comforting experience was with my supervisor at work.

It was a really bad week for the department I worked at, multiple conflicts, unsuccessful product release, tensions between departments. VP invited me to report on this, and somewhere amid reporting on what went wrong I simply couldn't help it, and started to cry as I was talking. Probably I was sorry for my mistakes, or just had a lot of stress, I don't know. So the VP did the single best thing he could do: he just ignored my tears, and continued the conversation with a bit slower pace, letting me gather my thoughts. The only remark he made was at the end, "don't worry: this happens to the best of us, even to those who appear strong."

I understand how OP feels. Sometimes there's noone to comfort you, and this can be hard. But I also want to ask OP to re-evaluate his experiences. I personally think that sometimes ignoring your emotions and letting you proceed with the actual business is the single best thing the other party can do. This doesn't come cheap: it requires tremendous patience and strength on their part, too! While not ideal, a disappointing glance is much, much better than a blow-back anger, or than a suggestion to get out of one's sight until you gather yourself, or than a dismissal of your capability because you're acting like a girl. Don't be harsh with those who surround you. And if you need more comforting, just hug your friend when you cry. It's not that hard.

YetAnotherCommenter · 2013-12-05T12:09:00+00:00

Women are the problem here. Who keeps telling men to "not get angry"? Women. Who calls men crybabies for crying? Women? Who tells men to "man up"? Women. Who calls men "creepy"? Women.

Women, as is often the case, are the problem. Women lack empathy and feeling for men, and we need to deal with women with this in mind. Female empathy? I call bullshit.

AnnArchist · 2013-12-05T01:56:06+00:00

Sorry, you had shitty parents if you don't think you were ever comforted when crying. Or a shitty memory.

rightsbot · 2013-12-05T01:38:17+00:00

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Tusse · 2013-12-05T23:28:50+00:00

I hate it when adults of any gender bawl.

It's noisy and usually pointless because it doesn't solve their problem. It's also proof of weakness, if it isn't an attempt at manipulating other people's emotion (which is usually the case).

The only people I don't ever mind crying (and will comfort) are children, bereaved or sick people.

2013-12-05T02:37:12+00:00

My tears can cure cancer. Too bad I never cry.

The_Patriarchy · 2013-12-05T14:32:05+00:00

I'm sorry you weren't allowed to cry as a kid. Kids, regardless of gender, should be taught to express their emotions appropriately, and shouldn't be told to "man up" or anything like that.

With that being said, I don't want to live in a world where everyone's crying over every little frustration. I want to live in a world where people have enough control over themselves to suck it up when they have a bad day. If you're an adult, and you start crying in public over something minor, I think you're a very weak person. That applies to men and women.

Crying in front of those close to you, or crying in public because something tragic happened (e.g. the death of a loved-one), are not the sort of thing I'm talking about. I wouldn't necessarily think someone was weak for that. But I don't want to see presidential candidates crying because they aren't winning a damn election. A world where that is tolerated, or even viewed positively (as in the article I linked), is not the kind of world I want to live in.

Title	I have no recollection of ever being comforted when crying
Author	throwaway0bviously
Upvotes	36
Comments	21
Date	December 5, 2013 1:37 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1s4jft/i_have_no_recollection_of_ever_being_comforted/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-have-no-recollection-of-ever-being-comforted.1157046 https://theredarchive.com/post/1157046

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