Just informed I have 3y.o. daughter, the mother hid it from me, tricked another into fatherhood; i'm currently in love with someone else... could use some help...

Hodor_Frey · 2013-07-18T02:54:58+00:00

Three years you say? You need to retain a family law attorney in Jen's state of residence immediately. I'll put it this way:

Normally a child born in wedlock is presumed to be the husband's. However, in some states, there is still a time period during which the real father can be identified and sued for child support. IANAL and I don't know where she lives and I definitely don't know the law there, but three years is awfully suspicious, because that time period is often four years. So you have to ask yourself, are you more successful than Adam?

Vegemeister · 2013-07-18T05:25:23+00:00

I feel sorry for Adam in this situation. If you want to help him out, you could record Jen confessing to the deception and check in every few months on Facebook so you can give him the recording if the relationship goes south.

You have no obligation to tell Mary unless you intend to bring your daughter into your life or start sending money for some reason. However, you could benefit from Mary's support in handling the situation should you decide to tell her.

Obviously, Jen's request is completely outrageous. Take comfort in the fact that you are not an evolutionary dead-end.

Clauderoughly · 2013-07-18T06:55:54+00:00

She is a sociopathic liar. You know this. She even admits this. Don't believe her that it is your daughter, it is stupid of you to do so. She probably told adam "YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD BE THE FATHER!" too. Tell her you dont believe her. Ignore her, dont speak to her unless lawyers are involved.

Last of all, do NOT pursue ANY KIND of relationship with her.

erenthia · 2013-07-18T03:45:31+00:00

The first thing I want to say to you is that you are not a monster. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, even if the child somehow manages to be yours. By your account, you've acted in good faith the entire time and have nothing to be ashamed of. If, after talking to Jen, you feel like a monster, then I would look very closely at what exactly it is that's making you feel that way. As men, we're apt to take on responsibility for things, even unnecessarily.

The other thing I want to mention is your desire not to even know if the child is yours. Why is that exactly? You said talking to Jen made you feel like a monster? Do you feel like you don't have the right to question her after everything you "did" to her? You are a human being just the same as she is, and as I said you acted in good faith.

I think, before you do anything you need to figure out why you're so down on yourself over this situation. It's unpleasant, absolutely, but it's most certainly not your fault.

tectonic9 · 2013-07-18T08:10:46+00:00

I don't want to go ruin this man's (Adam)'s life.

Being a victim of Jen's paternity fraud is what will ruin his life. Paying to raise someone else's child and staying in a relationship that he was likely pressured into is what will ruin his life. Learning that this girl whom he loves is not his actual daughter will hurt, a lot. But it's the one thing that will allow him to regain control of his life and end the fraud. For his sake, I hope it happens as soon as possible. He and the daughter have my sympathy - they (and you) are the victims of Jen's evil deception.

Rattatoskk · 2013-07-18T08:04:40+00:00

No offense to Jen, but her guilt is her own problem.

She should feel guilty, but her prescription is ONLY for her own betterment. Look at her request, and predict what happens if you follow through with it.

Who does it benefit? You? Adam? The child?

No. There is only ONE person who benefits from what she's suggesting. She's trying to fight her guilty feelings by screwing everyone else's lives up.

How has she learned her lesson? How is she fixing a single problem?

She should continue living with a man she doesn't love. That's what we're told to do. She needs to man up and take on her responsibility head on.

yakushi12345 · 2013-07-18T04:24:42+00:00

For what it's worth, blood line doesn't make it 'your child'. You shouldn't feel an obligation to sacrifice yourself for someone just because they are your genetic relative.

Mr_Rivers · 2013-07-18T04:26:30+00:00

This child is not your responsibility buddy. You never knew it existed, you had no intention to have it.

The first thing I would do is get a paternity test. She says she got with adam a few weeks after she had gotten pregnant? This smells fishy to me. This girl seems pretty manipulative to be honest.

That is to say that she ever contacts you again, which she may not. If that is the case, I feel that as far as you are concerned, you don't have a child. Why complicate matters?

2013-07-18T04:37:13+00:00

Be upfront with Mary. You've done nothing wrong, and thus have nothing to hide. Keeping it from her will make it appear like you do.

As to Jen... I'd be telling her that she fucked up, so it's entirely up to her to clean up the mess.

If you want to know your Daughter, go for it, but don't feel like you have to. Stay open to the possibility of knowing her in case she wants to contact you when she's older.

Jiujitsuismygf · 2013-07-18T14:38:59+00:00

DO NOT GIVE HER ONE INCH. DONT EVEN FUCKING TALK TO HER.

AlexReynard · 2013-07-18T09:56:54+00:00

Frankly, if the guy who raised that girl loves her and wants to be her dad, and you have no idea if you can take care of her... If it were me I would tell Mary and then both of us would do whatever we could to help the other guy get custody. It'd be the more honorable thing. Plus, it'd be damn near guaranteed you'd get to visit later on when you were ready. She'd have two loving daddies that way.

betaprime · 2013-07-18T14:55:38+00:00

Moral of the story: Don't be an Adam.

instorg8a · 2013-07-18T16:35:44+00:00

I'd tell Mary everything.

Honesty helps build elationships.
You're going to need some support.

rightsbot · 2013-07-18T02:16:20+00:00

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AbsoluteRunner · 2013-07-18T04:01:18+00:00

As for "Mary" I would hold off until the relationship solidfies a little bit. It's not the nicest thing but if everything else is pretty much awesome with this women then hold off on it. But don't wait till like 20years down the road. Like sometime after ur done with training but before a 100% commitment.

There really isnt an easy way to deal with this problem. So do what you've been doing and walk the path with the lease troubles and least amount of regrets

2013-07-18T06:22:34+00:00

I can honestly say I wouldn't know what to do here. My first instinct is to want to be a part of my child's life somehow. But I would not get involved with that woman, she's no good. Perhaps the just punishment for this woman's deception is to remain married to someone she doesn't love for the sake of her child. If you reveal the deception your child's life may suffer. Very tough situation.

Tastysalad101 · 2013-07-18T13:14:27+00:00

Just don't get involved just ignore it ever happened that the best thing you can do though Adam gets screwed over.

2013-07-18T13:38:06+00:00

People have covered the kid part. I'm going to cover the LDR part.

LDR's are generally a suckers bet man.

leftajar · 2013-07-18T17:57:35+00:00

... she feels tortured by overwhelming guilt, ... and feels she cannot live the lie anymore... [she] ask[s] that I go home to raise the child, step in as the real father, while she tells Adam he is not, and leaves him.

Translation: "I made a really big mistake. I have a huge problem, and if you allow me to, I will make it your problem."

Listen to me: you have zero obligation to do anything. This woman is stupid, selfish, and destructive. She will think nothing of destroying your life to serve her desires.

You DON'T have to be the father, and you DON'T have to tell your current GF. This is not your problem. It is hers, and it has always been hers.

2013-07-18T19:29:23+00:00

I will not go around playing moral cop but imo you should stay away from this woman and her problems, and that you must tell your SO about this incident immediately when you meet her in person.

LoL_feminism · 2013-07-18T19:41:47+00:00

Deny knowing her. She wants your money. All that guilt is her work. She knows she can guilt trip you because you have proof that you are the biological father. It's not for the child. The child has a happy life with a loving dad in front of her. It's money so she can fuck anyone she wants. It was her decision to take the baby in the first place. Not yours. You had no say in the decision. Than you can't have responsibility. Take a deep breath and let the guilt go.

Ready?

The next time you see her look her in the eyes and without emotion tell her you do not know her.

EDIT Oh and about telling other people. I think the best thing you can do after this post is done is delete your reddit account and never talk about this subject again. If your daughter seeks you out when she is older you can re-evaluate. Never look for her yourself.

nwz123 · 2013-07-19T04:02:18+00:00

Jen's story is: She was an acquaintance I would hook up with when I'd visit my hometown, I live elsewhere. She got pregnant (I was the only man she had slept with), found out, but 'knew' I would have wanted an abortion or not to father(she's a southern gal of faith). She was raised without a father, which really impacted her, so she decided it was worth it to deceive to a man who was in love with her for years (call him 'Adam'). She slept with Adam, and weeks later told him he had gotten her pregnant. She says she deceived him intentionally, as the child having a father was the most important thing, and he was dependable. They got married before the child was born, and have been married since.

After three years of living this lie, she feels tortured by overwhelming guilt, having lied to Adam, and to me, and for the child not knowing her 'real father'. She has never been in love with Adam, and feels she cannot live the lie anymore. She came to me to tell me this, and ask that I go home to raise the child, step in as the real father, while she tells Adam he is not, and leaves him. This way the child will still have a father if Adam does not stick around. Adam has apparently been loyal and loving, is an amazing father, and simply does everything right - Jen's only issue is that she doesn't love him, and she doesn't want a life with him. Adam is apparently madly in love with the child, and hasn't a clue.

Know what's the common-denominator in this story? She 'feels' something, then acts, not because it's the right thing to do, but because she prioritizes her internal comfort over all else. It doesn't matter that she's lied, deceived, and even stolen her way throughout that bit; no, she acts with impunity and her reward is? State-sanctioned force via the use of laws.

This is the shit that bothers me so much: that we have a legal framework that reinforces the authority of immoral acts, simply because of genders or whatever other group/marker of difference is used to justify it. It was wrong when those same laws are used to enforce a legal framework for slavery, and it's wrong this way too. Actions matter. Morality matters.

Bohica69 · 2013-07-18T15:06:37+00:00

Move on. This will not have a good ending, for anyone. USE A CONDOM.

chocoboat · 2013-07-18T06:50:45+00:00

Wow... that's a tough situation. I don't want to say that Jen is a bad person because I don't know her... but look at all the damage her dishonesty has done here. She didn't tell you the truth for 3 years, and is continuing to mislead Adam (who may be on the line for 15 years of child support if she leaves him).

My advice is to put this situation behind you. It's not your fault, you didn't create it, and you aren't responsible for it. Do not contact Jen or Adam, and tell Jen that you want nothing to do with her if she contacts you again.

It's OK to not tell Mary. This situation should not affect your relationship with her. Like you said, if you had an extremely close relationship for years it might be different... but I think telling her could do nothing but harm.

I think you are right to avoid Jen or any paternity test, unless you actually want to be the legal father of this child and responsible for raising the child. Since that is not the case... just try to find a way to put all this behind you. It will take some time.

DrunkNFunky · 2013-07-18T16:45:59+00:00

get a test... period

td9red · 2013-07-18T18:02:10+00:00

This is a bad situation. I think you need to first know if the kid is actually yours before you make any decisions. There are mail in paternity tests. Ask Jen for whatever type of sample you need to do the test and send it in for the results. If you are, in fact, the father than you now have some decisions to make. I think it is very easy to say you don't want the child in your life when the child is this abstract thing that you haven't seen. I think if the child is yours you shoudl try to meet with Jen to see the kid. I know you say you don't want a kid right now, but, you may see this kid look back at you with your eyes and suddenly you would do anything for her. At least give youself this much. Than if you decide you still don't want anything to do with the kid than tell Jen you don't. You said she is willing to respect your wishes. With respect to Mary, I would tell her the truth, if it's your child, whether you want to be in the child's life or not. Just b/c Jen is a jerk doesn't mean you should be. If your relationship progresses with Mary, you 2 get married it would devastating to Mary to find out about this child. With respect to Adam, Jen has treated him terribly, but, you have done nothing to Adam and you don't owe him anything. You need to think about yourself. This may not be the typical Men's Rights answer, but the weight of every mans right to know is not on your shoulders. Think about what's best for you.

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