Hi guys, I wanted to submit this here because I know lots of you are dads and lots of you are affected by this and I have no idea what to do.

When I was 4 years old my parents went through a bitter custody battle and divorce. When I was 5, I told my mom and her friend that my dad sexually abused me. I DO believe that I was abused, but not by my father. I think it was by one of my mom's boyfriends at the time. Or I could be wrong... I don't remember any abuse but when I was little I showed many symptoms of it (which of course could have been stress from the custody battle) and I was precociously sexual/attracted to things that I shouldn't have been. But the boyfriend had many kids, who accused him of abuse and he always made me feel disgusting and creepy.

In any case, I've always been a smart kid so it wasn't hard for me to fake the abuse. I don't think my mom told me and I don't remember her telling me but I remember it was a night when I told her and her friend and I remember thinking about some kind of a food reward (fucked up, I know). I also remember seeing a show about kids being abused so I just said the things they did.

I also remember my mom bad mouthing my dad at every turn and telling me when I was 5 that he wanted to make sure that my mom was poor and he might hurt us if he figured out where we lived. I also remember her telling me he beat her up and a lot of other bad things. (I don't remember him beating her, but I wouldn't deny he did). I remember them arguing a lot when I was little but being very sad by the divorce and eventually angry at my dad for these things my mom said he did.

So we eventually went to court and stayed there for years and I became better at lying, adopting phrases and things said by kids in my books about abuse. My dad was never charged as there was no physical evidence and while some of my counselors agreed with me, others didn't. But he eventually lost custody/gave up his parental rights.

Throughout this time my mom would get angry at me if I messed up on my story about my dad in court and either beat or scream at me. My dad's girlfriend at the time told me she knew I was abused and she was a guardian angel sent from heaven to protect me (she was nuts and testified in court that my dad never abused me though). Eventually I felt like I had to lie because I was so far gone and there was no turning back and I also believed that my dad was a very horrible person even if he didn't touch me. I knew if I said I didn't think it happened I'd have to see my dad, my mom would be angry at me/possibly kick me out of the house, and I thought I would go to jail. I also felt like I would letting down my mom and that saying it didn't happen would hurt her.

Throughout this time my mom was also constantly calling me names, kicking me out of the house, threatening to send me to live with my dad, calling me slut, whore, telling me I liked the abuse in horrible, horrible detail. She would favor my other sibling to get back at me because I was my dad's favorite supposedly. When I was 12-17, I just hated both of my parents, but I always thought my dad was worse because my mom always reinforced that.

I'm in an elite college now. I made it out through other people's help and I visit my mom on occasion but harbor a lot of anger towards her. I have no contact with my dad. My psychiatrist has said that my mom likely knew I was lying after a certain point and so I shouldn't blame myself... but I don't know that that is true. My mom could still believe I was abused by my dad and I have put him and her through so much. Every time I think about it, which is frequently I hate myself, I really do because I'm afraid I might not a be a victim of PAS but a kid who just wanted attention.

The times I do remember seeing and visiting my dad were great and fun. I can't really justify to myself that my dad is an "evil asshole" anymore and I feel most guilty about him being treated as a child molester and losing his kids. My mom and some of her friends made it publicly known that my dad was a child molester on several occasions and despite me telling her not to if anyone mentions my dad she immediately tells them he molested me. She even told my boyfriend that without even asking me first.

So I'm asking you guys, what should I do? Will I face jail time? In any case, I just want to apologize, but I feel that it will hurt my mom too and I feel bad for putting her through a custody case over this as well...My dad tried to get in contact with me awhile ago and I rejected it on an impulse so I do think that he would be open to an apology.

Thanks for any and all help or advice.