What are some clues you notice , that made you realize you weren’t into a guy?

CountTheBees · 2023-03-15T20:52:22+00:00

This is a bit of an odd question, because 80% of guys are beneath our notice, right? There's a lot of guys that we just reject offhand without thinking deeply about it. The remaining 20%, either they're "right on paper" but don't inspire desire, or they inspire desire but are completely incompatible/wrong. And then there's the guys that are Right for us. I'm not sure whether you're asking about the "right on paper" guys or the "completely incompatible" sort, or if you've got a guy you suspect is Right but want to make doubly sure/self sabotage.

This is general, broad advice that will exclude a LOT of guys; but if you've got a guy who you think is Right but are trying to self-sabotage, then don't grip onto the below and use it as an excuse to say the relationship's doomed. Post about the specifics so we can reason out what's going on. All of these apply to early vetting.

If I look down on him
If I pity him or feel sorry for him
If I don't find him "strong" and "hot"
If I wouldn't trust him with something important - like telling me a difficult truth, or standing up for me
If our values were misaligned (I understand where he's coming from but come to a very different conclusion) on a lot of important topics. This one could be misleading if you're under 25 years of age because your values aren't completely cemented yet and could change. Eg a lot of women, including myself were feminist in our early 20s, but I am very thankful that I compromised and the men I dated at that age were NOT feminist. I don't have a better way to describe this sadly.
If I don't admire him for something important to both him and me

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-03-15T20:17:09+00:00

I went through multiple phases while dating, most notably the Ugh, I'm Going to Die Alone phase and the God, I Hope So phase. In the first one, I tried to convince myself that I was into every guy. In the second, I self-sabotaged every potential relationship I had. Eventually, I realized the following were reasonable deal breakers:

If I didn't see a man as masculine, there was no hope, even if I found him conventionally attractive. I'm from the South. The standards for masculinity are pretty high and traditional. A deer head on my wall is just the price I have to pay.
If I couldn't find physical attraction for a man, I was done. Not every great guy is going to immediately turn you on and that's okay. Attraction builds. I should not have gone on a third date with the guy who I thought looked like Gollum or a second date with the one who was 40 pounds heavier than his photos at 5'7", though. They were just so nice and had their lives together. I felt like I was being a judgemental asshole, but if you find yourself thinking "Please don't kiss me," do both yourselves a favor and end it.
When a guy wanted too much communication, I felt suffocated and creeped out. I dated an air traffic controller once, who worked an hour on and an hour off. He messaged me every other hour. It was exhausting. In the early days, my husband and I would go a couple of days without contact. I was far more comfortable with that.
If a guy expressed wildly different worldviews, it was over. A 34-year-old once told me he wasn't sure if he wanted kids. In Oklahoma, if you're not sure at 34, you don't want them. Another claimed he was agnostic and then told me about the girlfriend he'd had who was Christian. He didn't understand how she could be so smart and be religious. Another guy called the Host in a Catholic Mass a biscuit and laughed at me. Nope.
Any man who couldn't have civil discourse wasn't for me, because I love to debate. I once found myself on a date with a man who legit yelled at me for an opinion on The Walking Dead. We were in a Starbucks and he was swearing. It was bizarre and uncomfortable. Several others mocked my career, despite knowing nothing about it.

It's tough to balance. You want to give a good man a chance, but you do have to call it eventually. I highly recommend the book Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb. It gave me some excellent tips for balancing the two extremes.

Foxy_Traine · 2023-03-15T18:02:41+00:00

They get defensive when I correct them or give them any negative feedback. If they are so insecure they can't handle honesty, they are not for me.

If I have to minimise myself or my accomplishments to make them feel better about themselves. Get on my level or find someone else who doesn't intimidate you to be with.

Not listening, flaking on plans, not following through on their word, bad hygiene, disrespect to those in a position "below" then, and just being inconsiderate to me or others. All signs of a shitty person I don't want to be with.

jenna_grows · 2023-03-15T18:52:04+00:00

Everything they do irritates me. I am rude and dismissive, because I don’t care whether they stay or go.

Edit: past Jenna obviously.

freeannadelvithough · 2023-03-15T18:47:27+00:00

I find myself thinking about what I'm going to say next rather than just letting the conversation flow naturally.

LexiFromWestchester · 2023-03-16T04:12:18+00:00

All their little mannerisms & eccentricities went from cute or endearing to extremely irritating. I always would feel uptight or anxious in their presence all of a sudden, like I could never just relax and let my guard down. I started to question their sincerity when before I would take everything they said at face value. You can just tell that a shift has taken place, although while in the middle of it's hard to put your finger on it...but after a bit it becomes readily apparent.

rosesonthefloor · 2023-03-16T11:24:35+00:00

This is a pretty personal thing as all people are different, and some of the things my friends love about their husbands, I wouldn’t be able to stand lol.

But speaking about some of the broader things that made me lose attraction for men I was attracted enough to date, there are a few things.

Misaligned life goals (wanting vs not wanting kids/marriage, etc.) or core values
Not being able to trust his judgement. This is a big one, but essentially if I was worried about if he couldn’t handle himself socially, emotionally, financially, or professionally. Also when it came to trusting him to have care with my feelings, etc.
The above point ties into respect - if I couldn’t trust his judgment I couldn’t respect him, and if I couldn’t respect him, it was never going to work.
Putting little effort into the early dating process. I’m pretty low maintenance and easy to please, but guys who don’t even really try to woo a girl in the early stages just aren’t it.
Not being sexually compatible. That’s a big one for me as well.

righteousrivers · 2023-03-16T04:01:49+00:00

I realized he was a coward (running away from problems rather than facing them) He always gives me what I want - no backbone Couldn’t see any good outcomes continuing Lack of willingness to grow…. Blame and not taking responsibility After initial phase realized he was too boring, no mental stimulation My life was getting worse

Faith75070 · 2023-03-15T21:36:42+00:00

Rejected a boy when I was 15 because he made too many spellingmistakes in the Valentinescard he was trying to win me over with. Before the card I thought he was good looking and very cute. Still very proud of my 15 year old self. My standards haven't lowererd since.

English is not my first language. Valentinescard was not in English.

AutoModerator · 2023-03-15T17:26:13+00:00

Title: What are some clues you notice , that made you realize you weren’t into a guy?

Full text:

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

alexaxl · 2023-03-16T05:05:51+00:00

Flawed Girls in glass houses..

FreyjaNoctua · 2023-03-17T00:17:50+00:00

My ex was not very nice to my younger brother (who's 9 years younger than me) because my brother was a kid at the time and my ex didn't like kids. After that, everything he said would irritate me and I found myself wanting to cut him down with snarky remarks. I also started to feel queasy any time he tried to initiate physical contact with me. I broke up with him shortly after that and never looked back.

Title	What are some clues you notice , that made you realize you weren’t into a guy?
Author	Maree70
Upvotes	20
Comments	13
Date	March 15, 2023 5:26 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/11s31gw/what_are_some_clues_you_notice_that_made_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/what-are-some-clues-you-notice-that-made-you.1176898 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176898

Comments