"I understand" vs. "I empathize." What's your preferred word choice?

PreInfinityTV · 2019-01-28T17:33:08+00:00

I think he feels its dismissive just because “i understand” seems to be overused and a lot of people just use it to disregard whatever they said

Malojam009 · 2019-01-28T17:34:22+00:00

It depends, I use them as appropriate. As a male, I can not understand the feelings my s/o goes through on her monthly, but I can empathize with those feelings. I can feel bad because she is. On the other hand, because we work in similar fields, I can completely understand what it's like for her to have a long hard day at work.

grasshopa · 2019-01-28T17:48:48+00:00

Understanding comes from empathizing.

Your gender doesn't define what you can or can't understand. You can look at a situation such as family court or criminal law and, through empathy, understand what it's like to be a man. Likewise, I can look at abortion and understand what it must be like for a woman ( child birth would terrify me were I a woman ).

So I'd say "I understand" implies empathizing.

GingerRazz · 2019-01-28T18:44:20+00:00

Here's my take on it. Generally, it doesn't matter if a person sees a difference between the two statements. Generally they both are attempting to express the same sentiment. At the same time, the sentiment is about emotional support. As such, it's a rather small ask of you to use the term that is more effective since your intent is to offer support anyway.

I know I wouldn't care most of the time, but he's not me. I also know that I understand can be frustrating when someone says it to me and I'm still trying to process my feelings as I, personally, don't fully understand yet, but that's not a common problem with me. I understand could also be frustrating when the person hasn't finished explaining and feels you can't understand yet because you've yet to actually hear the core of the problem.

Relationships are about effective communication and reciprocity. If I empathize makes him better hear the sentiments you're expressing, that's just learning how to more effectively communicate.

Lethn · 2019-01-28T19:49:13+00:00

It depends entirely on the context, I'm afraid both phrases come across as incredibly patronising and dismissive and I think that can be said for any issue where somebody is facing genuine prejudice or having a tough time only they can specifically really experience.

You don't understand and never will, once you understand that, then you'll become much better at communicating. For me being a white man it'd be like me saying I know what it's like for a black guy to have racist slurs shouted at him over being black or what it's like to be pregnant, I'll never experience those things.

Equally, you'll never know what it's like being treated like you're fucking satan or an automatic Nazi by feminists and sadly quite a lot of western women because you were born white, have a dick and refuse to pretend you're inherently evil because of that.

tenchineuro · 2019-01-28T20:49:01+00:00

An example: When interviewing someone at a Pro-Life rally, if a man gives his perspective on the issue, the woman responds with, "I understand."

I'm having difficulty with this one, I've never seen any actual understanding between pro and anti abortion advocates (of either sex).

And years ago our company had a diversity fair, it was so important that you had to attend even if you were involved in critical work. One of the booths had some manner of a belt with a bowling ball attached, you were supposed to empathize with being pregnant. I declined stating that I used protection. There was absolutely nothing about empathizing with men of course.

And I've been favoring "I see" lately, as opposed to "I understand".

Soviet_Rambo · 2019-01-28T21:20:48+00:00

To me, "I understand" is kind of vague. It could be interpreted a lot of ways, including in a dismissive way.

Words I use and their meanings:
"I empathize" = I feel what you feel, I imagine how that must've felt.
"I sympathize" = I understand your situation, and take into account the circumstances you're in.

Sometimes I empathize with someone but don't sympathize, e.g. someone has too many feels and can't deal, but they're being unreasonable/irrational. I feel you, but I think you should grow up and shouldn't have thrown that tantrum.
Sometimes I sympathize without empathizing: when I can see your situation and acknowledge the position you're in, but on an emotional level I don't give a shit about your problems.

valenin · 2019-01-29T01:50:07+00:00

You yourself refer to it as 'a canned phrase.' Then you ask why it might sound dismissive?

Because it is. You're not engaging with him, you're giving no indiciation that you're actually thinking about what he's saying. You're breaking open the can and serving up the same two words companies use to open their form letter reply to complaints.

Edit: This is also probably the wrong place for posts like this. Go to AskMen or relationship_advice. You won't get any answers from anyone who isn't jerking you off, but this isn't a focus group.

Title	"I understand" vs. "I empathize." What's your preferred word choice?
Author	Rabid-Ami
Upvotes	5
Comments	44
Date	January 28, 2019 5:19 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/akplnr/i_understand_vs_i_empathize_whats_your_preferred/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/i-understand-vs-i-empathize-whats-your-preferred.1182096 https://theredarchive.com/post/1182096

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