What to do when ex wants you back.

GemJack · 2019-01-14T04:12:56+00:00

Ah, after my wife and I divorced the same thing happened. We tend to only remember the good times for some reason in times of loneliness. I missed my son so much that I forgave things I shouldn't have. We remarried and had another kid. All the old problems remained and were added on to significantly, and we divorced yet again 12 years later. Save yourself a decade or two and MOVE ON! Don't let the familiarity and ease of that old relationship lure you back. You'll go through many phases, some quite tough, but you will look back and thank your lucky stars you aren't with a person that you have proven already you aren't truly compatible with.

1crazedhorse · 2019-01-14T14:41:10+00:00

I went back... long story short. We’re still arguing about the past, nothings really changed except now I’m living out of boxes stacked in one room of the house. It may be hard but staying gone could be a better choice...imo.

Good luck

nakedskier · 2019-01-14T16:16:46+00:00

Wow. I would love an opportunity to reconcile and get back with my STBXW.

I know it’s probably not healthy and my mental state is off but I don’t think we/she exhausted all of the ways to improve our relationship. She just took her time saying she wants a divorce and didn’t do any of the work.

fxdbmgtow · 2019-01-14T15:39:03+00:00

Never get burned by an old flame..especially twice.

leadpainter · 2019-01-14T04:41:40+00:00

I am a dude willing to give anyone an indefinite amount of chances, only because all of my family and friends, and loved ones have extended so much forgiveness to me. I don't know the details of your situation but #1 on the list should be individual therapy #2 marriage counseling (the non combative type. The kind that teaches you about each other and moving forward while not rehashing the past.) #3 Group therapy... My 2 cents. If you know in your heart it's over and best for you and the kids, you may cut your losses and move on.

Illiterategenius · 2019-01-14T18:50:49+00:00

That's my problem. I am almost at a point where I can finalize and move on. She has stated she would meet my demands, but how long will that really last? Some have mentioned to me that under no circumstances should I dismiss my petition for divorce, and I certainly won't. I have been speaking with my oldest child to get their feelings on the subject and naturally my kids want us to be together and they know she is willing to come back. I don't want my kids to feel like I didn't make every effort for them. I also don't won't to prolong the inevitable either.

smolderingdarkness · 2019-01-15T02:02:48+00:00

Once a cheater always a cheater. You are making the correct choice by moving on. No one is perfect but how does your wife think that her affair would improve your marriage? All you will hear is one excuse after the other. There is no excuse for cheating save they are selfish and thought they could get away with it.

Many men will tell you that when they tried to reconcile it was all a wasted effort. They wished they never wasted the time.

The only thing your ex is processing is whether she can successfully branch swing to the other guy. She is trying to buy time by agreeing to your list of demands, nothing more. Your wife may want to come back but not for you and not for the kids. She will need a safety net until she is sure the current boyfriend will work out or until she can find another replacement for you. Her time is up and she knows it.

You already know the truth of the matter: "She has stated she would meet my demands, but how long will that really last? " Also, "I just don't see how all my demands are met and stay met. "

If you think you have seen her worst you are mistaken. Your roller coaster has only just begun. If you openly chose to advise her you wish to continue with the divorce she will likely turn nasty.

Even post divorce, once your situation has stabilized and she can see that you are happier and better off without, her she will attempt to stir the shit. If and when you choose to involve yourself with another woman and she learns of this - doesn't matter if you are officially divorced -she will become even more unreasonable. The unwritten rule of cheaters and narcissists everywhere is that only they are allowed to do what they want with who they want.

Going forward I would recommend you play her game of buying time while the divorce proceeds in the background.

" I have been speaking with my oldest child to get their feelings on the subject and naturally my kids want us to be together and they know she is willing to come back. I don't want my kids to feel like I didn't make every effort for them. I also don't won't to prolong the inevitable either."

It is nice you are attempting to consider your kids. You however will not in the long run do them any favors. You especially will not do any favors for yourself. Cheaters get more bold, less reasonable, less apologetic and better at hiding what they like to do. The momentum and advantage are all yours right now. She made her choice. Tell your child what she has done if they don't already know. If you find that a painful choice directly then make it indirect and have your child approach you with questions. Do a google search for "how to survive your wife's infidelity." Leave some printed out infidelity articles not so hidden in the kitchen or elsewhere in the home. This may seem underhanded. Divorces aren't the place for high ground and morals. You will provide the best home for your kids. Fight to win. The biggest threat to the stability of your children home life and upbringing will be your wife and whatever boyfriends she decides to rotate in and out of her life.

stent00 · 2019-02-07T17:34:07+00:00

this is what I did and you must do as well... do a pros and cons list of keeping her in your life... Go for a long walk and really think about if. Do not do "what ifs" and "what changes I must make" BS. That is hypothetical and not real. IF you have more pros than cons than stay. IF you have more cons than pros then leave. simple as that. No emotions involved.

leadpainter · 2019-01-14T03:49:59+00:00

I am a dude willing to give anyone an indefinite amount of chances, only because all of my family and friends, and loved ones have extended so much forgiveness to me. I don't know the details of your situation but #1 on the list should be individual therapy #2 marriage counseling (the non combative type. The kind that teaches you about each other and moving forward while not rehashing the past.) #3 Group therapy... My 2 cents. If you know in your heart it's over and best for you and the kids, you may cut your losses and move on.

leadpainter · 2019-01-14T03:51:35+00:00

I am a dude willing to give anyone an indefinite amount of chances, only because all of my family and friends, and loved ones have extended so much forgiveness to me. I don't know the details of your situation but #1 on the list should be individual therapy #2 marriage counseling (the non combative type. The kind that teaches you about each other and moving forward while not rehashing the past.) #3 Group therapy... My 2 cents. If you know in your heart it's over and best for you and the kids, you may cut your losses and move on.

leadpainter · 2019-01-14T04:41:34+00:00

I am a dude willing to give anyone an indefinite amount of chances, only because all of my family and friends, and loved ones have extended so much forgiveness to me. I don't know the details of your situation but #1 on the list should be individual therapy #2 marriage counseling (the non combative type. The kind that teaches you about each other and moving forward while not rehashing the past.) #3 Group therapy... My 2 cents. If you know in your heart it's over and best for you and the kids, you may cut your losses and move on.

Ittoa666 · 2019-01-21T12:01:58+00:00

If it helps you decide, my soon to be ex wife decided to contact me and put on the “I want you back” mask, and then a week later, she cut contact again and I ended up with a negative bank account. She came back in to get my card number and $1000 from me, just to run off to the west coast with her boy toy.

Be careful, think clearly, and don’t mess around. People rarely change, and someone who screwed you over will do it again because they can take advantage of your emotions.

Title	What to do when ex wants you back.
Author	Illiterategenius
Upvotes	5
Comments	19
Date	January 14, 2019 2:28 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/afr1jo/what_to_do_when_ex_wants_you_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-to-do-when-ex-wants-you-back.1182568 https://theredarchive.com/post/1182568

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