I've been following Heather Havrilesky, aka Ask Polly from NY Mag for years. She gives great advice, and wrote an awesome piece for her substack subscribers recently about emotionally unavailable/inconsistent partners. There's a paywall, but these quotes stood out to me and essentially cover what she said:

"He doesn’t like real things that are right in front of his face. He likes imaginary things better...."

"Right now, he’s trying very hard to create an imaginary relationship with you. This imaginary relationship will serve many purposes: It will make his day-to-day life feel richer and more romantic. "

"The challenging thing is that it’s also easy to keep the attention of someone like that for as long as you want it. You just do what he does – appear and reappear. Stay distant. Don’t give your true feelings away. Play the part of the ghost - haunting, indifferent, inconsistent. It’s all so taxing and dull. That’s what the rom coms don’t tell you."

I used to love men like this, the ones who preferred the fantasy.... but I also used to be this kind of person. I still struggle not being this person, sometimes. The chase, the rom-com type of dating was always very appealing to me, because it meant I could protect myself while living in a fantasy. It made my life feel romantic and meaningful. I was always the girl waiting for some unattainable guy to get his shit together and decide he wanted to be with me.

But it never happened, because the standoffish men I pursued just did not want a real relationship. They didn't want the sacrifice, the difficult conversations, the natural ebb and flow of attraction that can happen when you're with someone for a long time. The boring parts did not appeal to them, but to be fair, they did not appeal to me either. I frequently shut down men who I instinctively knew were "nice guys", because I was afraid they were too boring.

Over time, this had a really negative impact on my life. I got to my early 30s without really knowing how to date someone in a healthy way. I was petrified of having a real relationship. I stonewalled people, even platonic friends, because that's how I had learned to protect myself. I liked when nice guys chased me, because it made me feel desired and unattainable myself. I was also insufferable to be around sometimes, because my life revolved around my romantic status and whatever non-committal dude I was chasing. I rode the waves, the highs and lows of loving men who didn't always want me all the time, and let me tell you... girl could surf.

Reading HH's articles, in addition to a lot of other things, has really helped me in difficult times. She writes about forgiving yourself, but also writes a lot about what happens when you stand in your own way. I really recommend reading some of her articles, there are a lot of free ones available on The Cut.