How do you finally get past the fear and guilt?

ArtisticQuality · 2019-07-25T02:37:51+00:00

I think you owe it to yourself to take some time first to really dig into the situation and see what's up with you and her and why you feel so distant from her. A lot about life is a matter of perspective, the romance cools down but just as it does it is possible to rekindle, etc. Not saying you can go back to the giddy early days, but what you are experiencing is not exactly unique, everyone hits this point one way or another.

Even if you leave in good terms and things play out great for you (don't count on it), it still might be years before you get past all the emotional baggage, financial issues, fighting and what it's done to the kids. You might not actually be any brand of happy any time soon. So take a few weeks and explore what it might mean to make things truly work now. You might find some answers (even if not all the answers).

notreallybeingme · 2019-07-25T00:33:12+00:00

Start with counseling for yourself Then later marriage counseling

TriangleSmartDivorce · 2019-07-25T01:16:11+00:00

Explore what is causing the fear and guilt. Odds are your subconscious mind is trying to make you stay in something familiar even if it isn’t what you desire. Divorce can be hell as the other post said, but living a life you don’t want to live can be worse for some people.

GuntherVonHairyballs · 2019-07-25T14:53:07+00:00

If you don't do it now, she will in a few years. Spend some time on /r/MGTOW. See the success stories and how much happier men are after divorce. You want to initiate it.

anonmdivy · 2019-07-25T11:31:02+00:00

Stop focusing on things and start focusing on experiences. Dropping all that "stuff" can been pretty amazing. Make sure to give your kids what they need, then just start trying to find things to do, travel, day trips, group activities, etc. Get out of your comfort zone. You no longer have to live up to someone else's expectations, so be a little selfish and just enjoy each day for what it is.

DWM2019f · 2019-07-26T02:32:20+00:00

I am currently separated. File next week with our hearing in Sept. Let me just say that I had a lot of the same feelings. I didn't initiate a breakup, it arose out of a contentious period. After being separated I went looking for podcasts to listen to about how to cope with divorce. What blew me away was how much good stuff there is out there that gives really good advice on how to approach these kinds of feelings you have with your wife in ways that can help your marriage.

People on these reddits you were the dumped are always saying they wish their ex had come forward with all these feelings before just deciding to end it... that they would do anything to save their marriage. It's worth a shot. You have nothing to lose if you are already OK with the idea of divorce.

I can tell you the amount of guilt I carry with me everyday and the knowledge of the pain I caused eats at my soul like nobody's business. I truly hate myself most days. I really regret not going about sharing my feelings in a better way. Maybe things wouldn't have gotten better but at least I could say I exhausted all my options before throwing in the towel.

My advice would be to go hard and heavy into some podcasts. There's a few I can recommend.

3rdlittlepig · 2019-08-03T11:13:34+00:00

I know this sounds old fashioned or wrong, but unless its fucking bad, stay till your kids are out of the house. I used to do a lot of family law and, in my experience, divorce doesn't solve problems, it creates them.

Will you be happy with only seeing your kids every second weekend? It usually breaks both the father and kids heart's everytime they seperate. It's painful over and over. Or will you be okay with another man having a say in how your kids are raised?

Everywhere you go, there you are. Make damn sure it's your marriage causing your unhappiness. Couldn't you just have more time for your own desires? Going away for weekends with friends, or getting serious about your hobbies? Will it be better to cook pork for yourself as a divorced man, than it is to cook it for yourself as a married man? You need to take your life by the horns and do things that make you happy and you shouldn't need to be divorced to do that.

Also, you owe it to your wife to talk to her about it before you blindside her. Maybe she also dislikes where you guys are now. Maybe she wants to change many of the same things you do.

Just because people tend not to talk about it, doesn't mean many people don't regret getting a divorce.

ttomottomo · 2019-07-25T00:57:31+00:00

Divorce is Hell. It's a permanent change for all involved including the kids. Its worse than death in my opinion, because when someone dies they just rot in a box instead of blow dudes in the next town over and theres nothing you can do about it. Think twice. Im not saying to stay, but sometimes its cheaper to keep her.

Title	How do you finally get past the fear and guilt?
Author	jjonez76
Upvotes	5
Comments	22
Date	July 25, 2019 12:07 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/chg8b9/how_do_you_finally_get_past_the_fear_and_guilt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-finally-get-past-the-fear-and-guilt.1205310 https://theredarchive.com/post/1205310

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