When you met, dated and got married, you were in loooooooove! This love for him made you blind to his faults and his love for you made him blind to your faults. Things flowed smoothly, you didn't have to put it much effort to be head over heels, completely infatuated with each other.

But that didn't last forever. It's impossible for that to last forever. Sooner or later, you begin to notice flaws, annoying quirks and <gasp> shit that stinks 😳

Suddenly you're bickering, arguing and quarreling. Ugh. Can't you just be infatuated again?

No. You can't. That ship sailed and it's time for a more mature love. A love that's more in sync with day to day life and less in sync with fantastical romance novels.

Okay, cool. But wait a minute. Why didn't we get divorced as soon as the infatuation ended and the bickering began? What exactly kept us together?

Commitment kept us together. We were so committed to each other, we just had to try harder. We just could not give up so fast.

In other words: commitment truly kicks in, when the love fades away. In fact, commitment isn't ever necessary when the love is strong. Commitment is only necessary because love is constantly shifting and changing. Commitment is meant to keep the union together, even during the lowest, darkest times, when hardly any love can be felt at all. Whatever love is present, is hiding somewhere deep inside.

Commitment (in marriage) is inspired by love. Commitment itself, is not love. They are separate concepts.

Love draws us towards each other. It's an emotion that has us wanting to come closer. There are many variations of love, but the common denominator in all variations, is: being drawn closer together. Love of parents and children, love of siblings, love of friends and love of spouses. Each is the desire to be closer, each in the way that is appropriate for that type of relationship.

Commitment is when you stick to something or someone, even when you have zero interest! This is how you can be committed to a job, a project, to the hospital, to an insane asylum or to jail. You may have no interest at all, but you are committed.

Devotion is when you are super committed. When you invest that extra degree of effort and energy. When you run the extra mile. This is impossible to do when you're not really interested. You can be committed without active interest, but you cannot be devoted without active interest.

Have you ever reached a point in your marriage where you're constantly bickering and/or cold and/or sexless and/or loveless and/or can't stand each other?

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the bill…..😥

But here's a lesson from my grandmother:

If you want him to run that extra mile for you, you have to give him something bright to look forward to at the end of that mile.

Ugh… so simple and not so simple, all in one…. 🤦‍♀️

After much conversation, discussion and clarification, she was essentially suggesting that I act loving, sweet and pleasant to him, even if I don't feel that way. Some practical suggestions include:

  • Smile at him.
  • Listen to him.
  • Don't continue the argument.
  • Vent to a friend. Don't spill it on his head.
  • Lovingly touch him.
  • Compliment him.
  • Appreciate him.
  • Express gratitude to him.
  • Don't criticize him.
  • Boost his ego.
  • Make him food and serve it to him.
  • Eat together.
  • Go for walks.
  • Give him space every day.

She suggested that I start doing these, regardless of what he does in return. That I unilaterally make the first move. That was mighty hard. I don't know why I listened to her "antiquated" advice, but I'm so happy I did!

Because his devotion began to increase as soon as he got past his cautious amusement of - is she for real?

Am I ever glad that I stuck with the program for long enough to have a real and positive impact on my marriage.

Grandma for the win!