I struggle not to roll my eyes when I hear ladies describe the traits they value in men; humility, empathy, independence, courtesy, self-esteem, honesty - always - yet I personally know several who claim they're attracted to such traits and feel authorized to dispense advice yet end up being with guys who are the polar opposite (arrogant, needy, jealous, harboring inferiority complexes, dramatic, controlling, sometimes physically abusive).

My cousins is an example: she's incredibly intelligent, well-rounded, and we've had deep discussions about dating and courtship - she seems to be aware of red flags and pitfalls and so on... and yet her partner is an outspoken loser who doesn't treat her with respect, even around her family and friends. Her previous two boyfriends were even worse. This is an all too common story, and it tells me either that almost every guy is a manipulative asshole, or that even someone as insightful as her feels lured toward the types of guys that possess these shit qualities.

I know I shouldn't generalize or resign to cynicism but it's hard not to sometimes.

It feels like I'm being gaslit whenever I mention how positive attributes on paper aren't always rewarded in practice (this is a society wide problem as far as I'm aware), and instead it's decided that I or whoever I'm referring to must not be an authentically good person but a nice guy who's niceness is only a deception so they can slither past the woman's radars and into her pants.

Sure, there is no shortage of guys opting for this scummy tactic, but to invalidate the expression of exasperation with firsthand observation of how the courtship process is fucked up in the modern world and how for some primitive reason people have a tendency to pursue people they know deep down they shouldn't... about how arrogance is confused for confidence which is confused for competence... about how dark triad traits and daredevilish behaviors are widely appealing on some deeper level... about the way fear and sexual arousal are interrelated... about the widespread fantasies of domesticating unruly men or literal monsters (as instantiated in the plotline to almost every YA erotica ever published)... and so on... to discredit all of this as the pitiful cry of the nice guy who's in fact more malicious than the shameless asshole is just disgraceful. Yet it seems to be the kneejerk response.

I'm not going to stop being 'nice' because being humble, empathetic, courteous etc is in my blood but I'd like to see a bit more acknowledgement that genuinely nice guys do exist and quite often do get overlooked in favor of someone more boastful and dramatic, therefore that many women don't reward the 'right' behaviors, and instead reinforce - often unintentionally - the ones they complain about. Or at least an acknowledgement that the world isn't just comprised; assholes, assholes posing as nice guys, and women trying to meet genuine nice guys.