Today was a weird day, a lot of stuff came up all at once and it's triggered some new emotions about things going on in my life. I won't really go into detail about what caused all of it, cause it's not important for this post.

I'm sad about moving to college. I love my friends, I love my school teachers, I love my guitar teacher, I love my childhood dogs, I love my job and my coworkers, I love the familiarity, I love my backyard, I love my quiet and cozy neighborhood, I love my neighbors, I could go on and on but you get the idea. My awful-ass relationship with my parents is just souring everything. I really am only going to college because it's a way to get far away from my parents while meeting enough people that I don't totally destroy my social life. I guess I'm just sad that my life will never be like this again after the summer, even if I come back home.

I feel like an ungrateful, spoiled child because my parents are paying for college. I am uncomfortable with people buying things for me, especially my parents, because my mom tends to guilt trip me and use things they pay for against me. College is no different. I feel spoiled and ungrateful, because I feel like I'm obligated to have a better relationship with them if they're paying for college, if that makes sense. Even if they consistently violate boundaries, verbally abuse me, shame me, guilt trip me, and make me feel like a flawed human being.

I feel burnt out as fuck. Vienna by Billy Joel is my anthem right now. My mental health has gone from good to meh, and I just don't have energy to do much but watch YouTube and eat food. I haven't been to the gym in weeks even though I went 5 days a week for 8 months. I have a few moderately stressful events coming up soon, and I don't do anything to prepare.

I'm sick of my parents. Talking to my therapist, it seems to me that this problem is 50% about my biological "I hate my parents" alarm clock going off as it should around this age, and 50% the relationship being toxic and shitty. I'm really tired of dealing with my mom's weird BPD bullshit every day, and my dad is like the "nice guy peacemaker father" and he can be kinda unpredictable. Just lots of issues going on right now.

I miss my best friend, who moved across the country last year. I miss him a lot. My second closest friend has been an overly-competitive egotistical asshole lately, and I just want that easy-going mutual respect vibe I had going with my best friend.

I think that's it at the moment. Just a weird cocktail of emotions right now.