Need some advice from older and wiser men

ZulutheZebra · 2023-01-23T02:23:56+00:00

Well I’m definitely older so let me give it a stab haha. First off don’t ever feel weird or bad for having sexual or emotional cravings; it just means you are a healthy young guy. Giving up or at least seriously curbing porn is huge; especially as a young guy having that testosterone beast raging makes a lot of guys choose the easy route. But the rewards are for the men that can channel that drive into something else; the guys that get after the gym, are career driven etc.

But you know all that, and are working on yourself. Seriously, good job. I’ll tell you this; many a man has hard worked himself into getting laid. But here’s some more practical advice on the dating process.

Determine what you want right now.

Do you want sex? Do you want a long term partner? I know you mentioned an emotional craving; maybe you just want to not be so alone? Sounds like your “friend” is kind of a tool if he steals girls you like to prove a point, so maybe you are just lacking good friends right now. I’ve found myself seeking a girlfriend before when really I was lonely for companionship because I had just moved or something similar.

Come up with a game plan

Assuming for example you decided getting laid is your top priority, it’s time to do the groundwork. Getting fit is key, but just as important is good style, especially if you are in the process of getting fit. Get some stylish, well fitting clothes and a fresh haircut before you shower up and hit that nice cologne.

Another part to this is having a plan for when things go well. The last thing you want is for things to go great and you get caught flat footed when she goes for your pitch.

Don’t be afraid to strike out

You do all of the above, are on your absolute top game…and she flakes after you buy her a drink. Or she blows you off right when you approach. There’s a ton of ways it can go wrong, and all us guys have faced tons of rejection before. The best advice I can give is never take it personally and always play the calm professional.

As to how to get girls with low self confidence or skills, I would say environment is key. If you are late teens to early 20s, see if you can get invited to a party at a local campus. Never will you find a higher concentration of alcohol, high libido and willing participants of both genders than at college parties. As much as your friend is a douche, have you ever studied his game? I’m guessing he plays the asshole card that tons of girls seem to adore for whatever evolutionary reason. Either way though, notice what he does that is bringing in girls left and right. Your style will probably be different than his but you can always find nuggets of gold here and there.

A final thought: the best thing you can possibly do…is to do. Like Nike: Just do it. Kinda cliche I know, but trust me when I say absolutely every guy has to wear the dunce cap at some point to pull girls. The best thing you can do is just train that “muscle” as often as possible and you WILL get better over time, and nobody will remember any of your early mistakes when you are a more confident veteran down the line.

TheDudeExMachina · 2023-01-23T02:50:17+00:00

I know, I know, it's the "weak beta" thing to want some women in my life

Thats bullshit. Dont buy what they sell. Its human to want intimacy.

I really am AWFUL at the dating process. I can strike up a conversation, nervously get a number if I'm feeling bold, but if I can get them to go out 1 on 1 I'm too nervous and oblivious to even hold hands, let alone cuddle or kiss. Social skills are pretty good, intimacy skills are terrible.

Im not versed in the USA-"game" (I assume you are from the states?), but in my experience women tend to like it when you express that you are attracted to them - AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT A CREEP ABOUT IT. Its also benificial for both parties if the intentions are made clear. She can reject you if she wants, freeing you from any unfulfillable hopes in the worst case. She wont really reject you if she isnt 95% positive, because that could lead to an awkward position for her. Best case, she doesnt. But dont get fixated on this.

So, how to? Its like the social anxiety thing "Start small and ask strangers for the time": Start small and tell her about something you find genuinely attractive about her. Dont pick a bodypart. Something like "I like how you laugh, tbh I think its kinda hot", as long as it is genuine. Fit it to your tone. Then try to read her mood. Uncomfortable? Stop it. Embarrassed/happy? Ye, youre cool.

You will have to give yourself a mental push when you do something like this, but dont do something thats way over your head emotionally. If you make yourself a nervous wreck, thats both not attractive and not fun for you. Ease yourself in. Expand your comfort zone while respecting hers.

Finally it seems there is something very crucial missing in your repertoire: Talking/asking. Dont be afraid to ask her (in the right mood) if you can kiss her. Maybe even combine: "Id really like to kiss you right now. May I?". Thats not a turnoff for women (at least the ones I would want).

Feel free to ask if something is unclear or you need something extra before you have something you can act upon.

When will I suddenly have balls and be able to date girls without screwing shit up and constantly feeling inferior?

TL;DR: Never, until you improve at it. And you improve with practice. Just start with bites you can chew.

throwaway112112312 · 2023-01-23T08:50:31+00:00

He criticizes me for having no balls and being bad at dating, and sometimes will even steal girls I'm obviously interested in just to prove he can. He used to be jealous when I was getting all the girls a couple years ago, and I think he's taking the opportunity to feel superior to me for once.

That dude is not your friend, he is not even a good person. You won't have success in your dating life while that guy is poisoning your mind and interfering your dating life. Keep your private life private and put some distance between him and your dating life.

Also you need to decide what you want. Do you want one night stands? Meaningless sex? Or do you want long term relationships? In any case it is about seeing other person as a human being. Don't focus on "getting girls to the bed" part, focus on getting know someone better part. Maybe take it a bit slow, establish a connection first. Practice makes it perfect, then just practice and try again and again. There are no shortcuts, you need to try and fail until you are successful.

But please, for your own sake, drop that douche nozzle friend of yours and get some decent people around you.

FrostieTheSnowman · 2023-01-23T03:53:54+00:00

I'm not particularly old and wise, and I have issues myself, so take this with a grain of salt.

I was a late bloomer. Kissless until 22. It sucked. Aside from utilizing the apps, which did net me a few successes but mostly mental health struggles, what I changed is my perspective. I still flicker back to old thought patterns here and there, but overall I try to remember a few things.

Women are different, but they aren't THAT different. They are attracted to your body, yes, but what really catches them is your attitude and your ability to provide the right environment for them. It's a delicate balance, but don't be TOO agreeable. I'mma give you that "be true to yourself" BS, but I actually mean it. Don't soften yourself too much, women like a guy with a bit of an edge to him. That said, unless you're looking for a crazy chick or a string of one night stands, you don't want to be an asshole. Similarly, if you put them on a pedestal they will smell the desperation, which is far worse.

You've got to have a style. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to capture attention and you have to rock it. For example, apart from being overweight, one of the biggest reasons I struggle in dating is because I like to dress very comfortably and keep it simple, so I run around in loose athletic pants and t-shirts of various, uncoordinated colors. Not exactly exciting. What I do have going for me is that I accessorize a little bit, I have a colorful tattoo, and I have pretty great hair. Let me emphasize: that is not enough for regular success. You need good clothes, a style, AND to be (relatively) fit.

Lastly, you have to have fun with it. This is the one I hate the most, because I'm always too self-conscious unless I know the gal first, in which case she usually already sees me as a friend. Idk the cheat code for this one, other than divorcing expectations from the date entirely, which has its own pitfalls.

Anywho, good luck sir. May you learn these paltry lessons earlier than I.

a-man-from-earth · 2023-01-23T09:17:00+00:00

When will I suddenly have balls and be able to date girls without screwing shit up and constantly feeling inferior?

When you face your fears head-on and don't let them stop you, and consequently get more experience and confidence, little by little. Yeah, you will fail a lot, like practically everyone else. But you will learn what works and what doesn't, and become more successful.

SNAiLtrademark · 2023-01-23T13:46:53+00:00

I was a slut, and here's how I did it: I asked every single girl that would even look at me if they wanted to make out. Tall, short, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly, kind, cruel... none of that mattered. What I learned is that rejection gets easier the less you care about the person rejecting you, and so did the sex. If you want to build a relationship with a woman, that takes time, trust, compassion and connection; befriend a girl that you'll never sleep with, be kind to everyone, and realize that the whole "game" thing is incredibly toxic.

I don't care which path you take, it's your life. What I can talk you is that I'm much happier in relationships than I am slutting it up. All that takes is honesty and trust, and treating women like people, not the goal.

Savagemaw · 2023-01-23T14:15:38+00:00

Last year of HS is tough. You are doing what you should be doing. I have zero advice for how to really improve your sexual success, but if you just want some attention for the age and social level you are in, just ask girls if they want to come over and watch a movie.

The advice you are working with is meant for adults outside of Highschool. It is meant to get you through years of sexual failure to a point that increases your sexual market value. Right now you have a captive audience. Just be strong and virile and youthful. When you are in social situations try to make sure the girls associate you with fun. But for the long term, focus on yourself. You arent going to slay them at your age. There is a college guy picking them up after your date to take them back to the frat house and rearrange their guts. When they are in college, there is a professor taking them for a weekend seminar in the Keys.

If you are looking to bang and cant get the attention of girls your age (try netfilx and chill first), hunt for single older women. They are being rejected by men their age who have the sexual matket value to get 20 year olds. So pick up the leftovers. Im sure they'd be happy to get pounded out by a teenage stud.

babadeboopi · 2023-01-23T18:02:46+00:00

I'm older, wiser not so sure. What is that you really want? Someone to text/talk to and go on dates with? Or a girlfriend? Or s*x? All are OK by the way.

I suggest get a hobby where you can meet new people. A hobby you enjoy and would stick to. You can meet new people that will expand your social circle, meaning you get invited to more social events and meet more new people. For me it's Kickboxing and Toastmasters. But remember, do this for you not with an intention of meeting someone. That's a by product.

Start making small talk with every woman you see. Whether your attracted to her or not, the goal is to be comfortable around women. When you meet someone you like ask her out.

Most importantly, do put too much pressure on yourself to meet someone, don't be too hard on yourself, don't compare yourself to others.

Oncefa2 · 2023-01-24T00:35:35+00:00

Most of the women that you'll date will be mutual acquaintances with other people you know.

So one of the best things you can do is make more friends, especially with other guys.

Most guys do not behave the way your friend does. They'll usually try to help you with women instead. So being friends with that guy is really hurting you right now.

Since you're starting college, it will be a great time to make new friends.

Don't forget to befriend women, also. Even if those friendships don't go anywhere, they will still help you meet more people to expand your social circle, which means more potential people to date.

Crunch-Potato · 2023-01-24T13:51:18+00:00

I can't seem to rid myself of the craving and void I feel. It's much less of a sexual craving, and much more of an emotional craving.

Congratulations, you uncovered your humanity. And unless you can turn into a robot this will not go away.
And yes in the redpill logic this is weak beta shit... I hope you can start to understand why that line of thinking takes you to dark places.

As does your friend btw, a guy who will insult you and specifically go after girls you are interested in. Do not put your time into people like that, they will just make your existing insecurities worse.

Title	Need some advice from older and wiser men
Author	PickleJewler
Upvotes	21
Comments	10
Date	January 23, 2023 1:34 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	/r/MenSupportMen
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/need-some-advice-from-older-and-wiser-men.1149291 https://theredarchive.com/post/1149291
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/10j0d8w/need_some_advice_from_older_and_wiser_men/