Advice: How to be supportive while maintaining “fairness”

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-05-27T13:25:54+00:00

I want to support him where I can, but I am also conscious I am not his wife and therefore I don’t want him to get comfortable with me taking care of the house when I also work full time.

When you are his wife, you also shouldn't be stuck with the majority of the housework if you're working the same hours. In the meantime, it's completely reasonable to sit down and discuss the workload. Before I left my career to be with my children, my husband and I worked very similar hours. We found it easier to split chores than to trade back and forth. He took the dishes. I took the laundry. He'd clean the kitchen. I'd clean the rest of the house. It was pretty even considering we never really eat out, and our kitchen gets a lot of use. He did the yard work and I did the shopping. It worked for us.

We came to that arrangement by talking about it, though. It wasn't a big discussion and it never got heated. When he'd get distracted by some new hobby, I'd just politely ask him to be a bit better about doing his share. He would. If you're looking for a script, I'd start with "I think we should discuss our chore breakdown, considering we'll be moving into a new house soon, especially since it's a fixer upper." Take it from there and focus on the future, not what's disappointing you in the present.

Wolf110ci · 2023-05-27T14:55:53+00:00

No kids?

If so...

"We're both pretty busy with our jobs, and I've found I can't keep up with all the housework if I have to clean up after both of us. Going forward why don't we do this. You clean up after yourself and I'll clean up after myself and we hire a maid to come vacuum and mop once a week. We'll split that bill. Sound good?"

Even if you can't afford a maid, this will open a dialogue and you can perhaps divide the non-specific chores (like vacuuming) but certainly insist he clean up after himself - including doing his own laundry

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-05-27T13:30:57+00:00

What does your division of labor look like? What household tasks do you most like/least like, and what are his?

The easiest way around this issue is to have a clear division of labor, and then let his stuff pile up. In my life, that means I sometimes have to overlook trash piling up or the yard looking out of sorts. My husband overlooks a lazy dinner or my clothes on the ground. We trust the other will get to it.

When you help out with his half, do you point it out? Like "You seemed a bit overwhelmed with work this week, so I did the dishes last night?" It can be nice to get appreciation for what you've done while acknowledging you did more than you should've.

BigBlackMuscles · 2023-05-27T10:14:03+00:00

About the housework just talk to him. He's probably gotten comfortable and doesn't realise how much strain is on you. In terms of affection try taking the initiative. He might have stopped because he felt it was too one sided. Or ofc maybe he's cheating.

AutoModerator · 2023-05-27T09:23:09+00:00

Title: Advice: How to be supportive while maintaining “fairness”

Full text: Hi all,

I’m after some advice about the housework/full time job dynamic for me (26F) and my partner (32M), and how to ensure we both keep trying in the relationship and don’t get “comfortable”.

Background: I have a full time job earning slightly less (a couple thousand before tax) than my boyfriend. He is self employed, I am employed. We are also in the process of purchasing a house together as the right fixer-upper came up, albeit slightly earlier than we were both expecting. We have been together for a year and a half but have dated with marriage and children as the end goal and are both traditionally minded. I’d already moved in with my boyfriend before finding this group. I’m fully aware I wouldn’t be in this position had I not, but I did, and to move out now would cause damage to our relationship so please bear this in mind before commenting. I pay a couple hundred pounds to him to help towards bills and we share grocery costs and going out is shared 50/50 if this is relevant.

Lately, I have found that most of the housework is falling to me despite us working very similar hours. I’m looking for advice on how to bring this up in a fair but firm way. Sometimes it’s because he’s seeing friends on a Friday night/Saturday morning, or occasionally it’s because he’s working on a Saturday as he has lots of work on. I want to support him where I can, but I am also conscious I am not his wife and therefore I don’t want him to get comfortable with me taking care of the house when I also work full time.

He has also been less affectionate lately and I fear he has already gotten comfortable in the relationship and does not think he has to put the effort in, and says he is tired from work as the reasoning. What can I do to inspire his affection? I already dress in a way he likes, including night dresses, and am naturally very feminine, “cute” and playful but am struggling to remain enthusiastic with his loss of affection.

I’m aware I have two issues here. Currently feeling very lost and unsure, so any advice or similar stories would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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ResponsibleUmpire752 · 2023-05-28T01:40:13+00:00

Are you sure you want to buy a house with your bf before marriage? I ask because if he's already "comfortable" just living with you, will this large fixer- upper project affect your marriage schedule? What if you don't end up marrying him? How will you split the house? Fixing up a house is a lot of work. Do you guys have a division of labor plan if you both will also be working full time when renovating? Maybe you can bring up current housework issues within the context of the much larger future house project. Best of luck working this out!

Title	Advice: How to be supportive while maintaining “fairness”
Author	alwayscold666
Upvotes	6
Comments	13
Date	May 27, 2023 9:23 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13t2tdu/advice_how_to_be_supportive_while_maintaining/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-how-to-be-supportive-while-maintaining.1220467 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220467

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