How to reassure my boyfriend I'm not tricking him when I say I'm very willing to take his lead on things?

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2023-01-22T13:33:29+00:00

Don’t tell him… show him! Words are cheap, but actions speak volumes.

Give him low stakes questions (perhaps less intense than what color your hair will be), and truly follow his lead. Give him good practice making decisions and expecting you to follow-along, and work him up to bigger decisions. Many men are pushed around by their girlfriends or wives so much, that they become used to such treatment and look at their partners like parents… break him of this habit now!

Start with something easy - “Honey, could you please pick a restaurant for dinner?” And whatever he says, sushi to Thai to pasta to wings and a beer… go with it 100%! When he asks you to make a decision for him (what shirt to wear, for example)… say “Oh, whatever you think! They both look so good on you.” Get him used to making his own decisions for himself first, and then allow him to lead you as he becomes more comfortable and confident.

Regarding the hair dye question… saying “I’m doing this, but if you think I should do something else let me know”, could come across a bit passive-aggressive. I would just ask him with no expectations and say “hey, I’ve been thinking of dying my hair… I think red or blonde would look good on me… which would you prefer? Or would you prefer if I don’t dye it?” And then truly take him at his word, whatever he says!

Empowered Wife is a great book for learning this concept 🥰

sunglasses90 · 2023-01-22T15:47:11+00:00

They way you’re phrasing things is making it kind of weird. You’re putting unnecessary pressure on him. Just ask him what he thinks without adding a modifier like “if that’s what you want” For example, “I’m thinking of dying my hair red. What do you think?” Or “I’m following your lead on this situation because I don’t know anything about car batteries”.

Men want you to be happy. They realize trusting and depending on their man makes them happy but it’s also a lot of weight on their shoulders to make every single decision. You can ask about his preferences, but ultimately that stuff IS your decision. You’re not a doll. You’re a person. You’re a potential wife and helpmate to this man. You need some of your own confidence even in a RP relationship. You have your sphere and he has he own. Don’t bring him into yours unless it’s absolutely necessary. Bring peace, not confusion to the relationship.

AutoModerator · 2023-01-22T10:58:55+00:00

Title: How to reassure my boyfriend I'm not tricking him when I say I'm very willing to take his lead on things?

Full text: Hey everyone!

I have what feels like an unusual problem, in that I think my boyfriend treads on eggshells a bit around me and it's holding him back a bit from asking me to do things I'm perfectly willing to if he wants me to.

For some general context, I'm 24 and I'm at the moving in stage with my boyfriend, who's 26.

He was single for a while before we got together, and has had some awful relationships in the past with girls who didn't treat him well. His longest relationship was with someone who'd always 'test' him by, for instance, telling him something's his choice and then giving him grief for making the 'wrong decision'.

We've talked a little about it and he has expressed that he feels a bit on guard around me and is concerned about upsetting or offending me.

To give a specific example, the topic of hair dye came up and I said something like 'oh by the way, if you think I'd be cuter as a redhead or something then let me know'. I could see his eyes light up a bit at the idea but then a moment he looked a little worried and said that it's my choice what I do with my hair. (I wanted to say 'my choice is to have it how you like it' but I dropped the topic instead. Should I have said that?)

He's also said he's consistently surprised I'm even into him as (his words not mine!) he's not especially attractive or career driven and earns a bit less than me. I've tried to reassure him that I do find him attractive, and I especially like the quiet confidence he has in his own beliefs and way of life. He might not be career motivated but he's also an artist and that's really his passion - he'd likely make a career of that if he could, and if me working would help support that then I'd do it (I'd see it as working for him rather than myself).

He has a lot of wisdom and empathy about him and I feel that outside of this issue he's not an anxious person.

So yeah, my question is how do I reassure him that I really am serious and I'm not trying to trick him or anything? Thanks!

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red31415 · 2023-01-22T11:34:34+00:00

I imagine this is a bit of a culture shock. Maybe ease into it. Bridge the gap and gradually shift to the new culture.

Thiccsmartie · 2023-01-22T11:59:46+00:00

His career might not matter now. It will matter in a few years when you want kids and be able to raise them yourself. He will not be able to support you in that choice. Is that something that will make you resent him? Is that compatible with your future aspirations?

Witty-Program-5786 · 2023-01-22T15:29:48+00:00

[permanently deleted]

VivaLaVict0ria · 2023-01-22T15:42:49+00:00

I grew up with a mother like this. (The ex who baited him).

One thing he needs to do is to build up his own emotional boundaries by taking people for their word and not feeling guilty when they try and flip the script.

You can practice this together by “role playing” it out.

Sit down with him and if he’s comfortable with it, ask for a situation where she did this to him; play it out how it happened, except this time his role is to stand up for himself.

Get him to practice saying things like,

“You gave me a choice, that’s what I chose.”

“If you didn’t want me to pick that option, then don’t give it to me as an option.”

It’s also okay to disagree.

My mom would get SO upset when I disagreed with her. Even about trivial things like she wants tea, and I want coffee, if both are available, there’s literally no issue. She just took everything painfully personally.

That brings me to what you can do; keep reassuring him, say things like,

“You genuinely get to choose here.”

Or

“I want to know what you prefer even if I disagree.”

And then as others have said; actions speak louder than words.

Treating him like an individual with preferences and needs and wants (while standing in your own preferences needs and wants) is the best way to help someone heal from just about anything.

Lead by example, essentially.

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Witty-Program-5786 · 2023-01-22T11:01:17+00:00

I'd just like to say I'm really happy to have found this place, I gave up asking friends for advice about this kind of thing ages ago as none of it was ever helpful. Thanks all!

undothatbutton · 2023-01-22T14:46:43+00:00

I won’t speak on your relationship dynamic with his career etc. I trust you are adult enough to know if that works for you and you can be honest with yourself/him if that’s an issue.

So as for the trust issue… this is something my husband and I have discussed many times throughout our relationship, not because of any exes, but because his mom is a real piece of work and really damaged him and his dad.

When we were dating, my husband would constantly (wrongly) predict my emotions and project this onto me, so he’d lie or omit things that were truly unimportant, and when I’d find out and be confused (not even mad, just confused, like why did he lie about something so inconsequential? It wasn’t BIG stuff, nothing to do with fidelity or finances or anything like that. It was seemingly meaningless stuff!), after some back and forth it would come out he was feeling like I was trying to trick him. Like I was trying to get him to say his real feelings on something just to throw it in his face, despite me never having done this… but his mother had done (and still tries to do) this a TON. This frustrated me of course but mostly it just made me very sad for him (and my FIL). He was so warped by his mom that he wasn’t even giving me the chance to show him there was no trick, no ulterior motive, I wasn’t going to overreact.

It took a lot of candid conversations and ultimately, effort on his part to believe me. I told him I understood and sympathized with his feelings and behavior, but we were going to be stuck in this rut forever if he never let himself trust me to learn if I was being genuine or manipulative like his mom. It wasn’t something I could “make” him see, he truly had to just take the leap and try to trust me. And it was slow going at first, and there were random times he’d slip back into it his default of hiding the truth, but ultimately it just took time and effort. Effort from him to choose to trust even when it felt impossible and he felt he “knew” how things would turn out, effort from me to just be patient and not take it personally (because it really wasn’t personal!), and effort from us both to keep our communication open and assume best intent from each other.

This isn’t exactly the same as your situation but the underlying issues kind of sound the same. Is this something you think would be worth talking more about with him? You can try to “make” him trust you but ultimately trust has to be surrendered by the other person. He has to choose to trust you. And in turn, you have to earn and keep earning that trust, and not take it personally that this is his struggle.

Title	How to reassure my boyfriend I'm not tricking him when I say I'm very willing to take his lead on things?
Author	Witty-Program-5786
Upvotes	17
Comments	20
Date	January 22, 2023 10:58 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/10ih4n6/how_to_reassure_my_boyfriend_im_not_tricking_him/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-reassure-my-boyfriend-im-not-tricking-him.1222795 https://theredarchive.com/post/1222795

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